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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is planning an affair

685 replies

shitsabouttogetserious · 05/08/2018 08:45

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
NotAnotherHeffalump · 09/08/2018 10:27

OP don't be the one to leave the family home. I think it puts you at a disadvantage legally. Move his stuff out if you like, but don't you be the one that decides to move out of the house, even for a day or two. He can collect stuff while you're visiting your parents or at work etc, but don't move out.

ColumboHere · 09/08/2018 10:41

If he keeps asking for you to reconsider OP tell him that you will (even though we all know you won't) if he does one thing for you.

He will immediately agree to do anything.

Then tell him that the one thing is for him to give you time and space. Leave the house, leave you alone, do not contact you. Give you time and space.

There you are. You've asked for one thing. If he can't even do the one thing that you've asked for, the marriage is over.

This is a way of getting rid of him.

When you are ready, and only when you are ready, will you tell him the result of your 'reconsidering'.

yetmorecrap · 09/08/2018 10:42

I’m not sure if that’s true about leaving the home, maybe others can’t advise, someone I knew was told this and her lawyer said it was rubbish when kids are involved

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/08/2018 10:42

You're an amazing young woman OP, try your best to keep on, until you clear him out today. He really is pathetic.

jelly449 · 09/08/2018 10:55

I honestly hope other women who are in a similar situation read your thread op. You have handled this with nothing but dignity and strength and have held your ground.

You read a lot of these type of threads where the op just cracks and gives in, or some posts that go on for weeks on end as they just can't bring themselves to confront their partner.

How you have dealt with this so far in my eyes has been spot on. I'm so sorry you are going through this, to you and your dcs but the more I read your updates, the more it shows that you and your dcs deserve so much more than that massive twat of a dickhead. Hugs Thanks

Also - remember if you do start to wobble, that's ok. It's natural and it will happen at some point. You just need to take a step back and breath, pull up your big girl pants and keep going x

CocoaGin70 · 09/08/2018 10:59

Making him understand the consequences of his behaviour isn't going to be easy. He's going to do everything he can to backtrack and make you feel like you're overreacting.

Stay strong and be proud of yourself for knowing you deserve more Flowers.

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 09/08/2018 11:00

I've just had the hardest conversation ever with his mother. She was there when I went back with the shopping so I ditched it in the kitchen and started heading back to the car but she caught me at the front door and followed me out to the car to plead with me.

She was kinda downplaying what he's done - she called it a flirtation. So I had to spell things out for her a bit. Then I pleaded with her to take him away before midday so the older ds doesn't have to see him leaving. I'm now sat in my car sobbing

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 09/08/2018 11:00

Stay strong Op.

HannahnotAgnes · 09/08/2018 11:02

Sorry, cross posted - that's very unfair of his mum to put it on you but try to stay strong if you can & stand your ground. Cry if you need to - it'll be a good release of emotions & then go back in & go ballistic to get him out. Thanks

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 11:02

So sorry OP, weasel move getting his mommy to try and fix it for him

Pippylou · 09/08/2018 11:02

Best she knows, otherwise you'll be scapegoated.

lapenguin · 09/08/2018 11:03

Flirtation with intent maybe 🙄 why is it their boys could do no wrong even if they set out to cheat on their family...
Stay strong! You're doing well!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2018 11:04

He sent his mother to sort it out with you? Pathetic.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/08/2018 11:06

Oh dear. I think spelling it out for her was th best approach. She needs to know he absolutely was planning to sleep with someone else!

Yogafailure · 09/08/2018 11:07

Oh OP Thanks You are doing so well in this shitty situation

loveyoutothemoon · 09/08/2018 11:08

I hope you informed her that he'd arranged an overnight stay somewhere and lied to you.

jelly449 · 09/08/2018 11:08

Don't back down op. My own mother used to stand up for my ex when he did the same. 'Least he hasn't actually cheated' is what I got.

Keep going op. It's good to have a cry xxx

sexnotgender · 09/08/2018 11:08

Can’t believe he sent his Mum! Gosh he’s getting less attractive by the minute.

Stay strong OP, don’t let him weasel his way back in. A flirtation? WTAF, he had all but booked the hotel for a dirty weekend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2018 11:09

He asked his MUM to sort out his mess? Oh God, it just gets worse.

Please tell me she is taking him away, you've done so well, shits - it's OK to have a cry.

This was way more than a flirtation and he knows it, he's just minimising it for Mummy. Good grief.

Mix56 · 09/08/2018 11:10

Tell him to get his lying cheating arse out before Ds comes home.
Tell him you will both be having a conversation with DC where he will be required to tell them he is leaving & why

Karmaisabish · 09/08/2018 11:11

Pack his bags whilst he is at work, leave them outside with a print out of the convo on top. Change the locks. What a prick.

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 11:13

Stay strong OP, don’t let him weasel his way back in. A flirtation? WTAF, he had all but booked the hotel for a dirty weekend.

Only reason he didn't was because the OW wouldn't guarantee him sex :/

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2018 11:13

I don't think he's gone to work, he's gone crying to his Mummy instead.

eyycarumba · 09/08/2018 11:14

I wonder if his mother would consider it a flirtation if it were her husband or a daughter's partner. Your stbeh is spineless as well as a lying prick.

notthisagain83 · 09/08/2018 11:15

Well done OP. You have done amazing Flowers

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