Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Maybe you could book into a local travelodge/b n b/ alternative fir one night using his credit card details (can do this online)pack his things up. Either put them in his car if he doesn't use it for work or outside door later just before he comes home. In the meantime change the locks. Job done. If you don't this will drag on and on.....

I’m not entirely sure it’s legal to change the locks to keep him out. Maybe kept bolted from the inside? Some legal advice on that point may be useful.

Think the suggestions of moving his things either to his parents or a hotel are brilliant. And as someone else said, he was willing and able to book a hotel for intended meet up with OW.

Rough day ahead OP. Stay strong.

Oh lass. What a shit he is. I'm sorry. No useful words really. Can only offer you strength and support.

OP v impressed at your calm.

Good luck.

what did he tell his mate? was he honest about what he'd done

Stay strong OP

What a shit-bag.

OP you're brilliant. Hang in there.

He started to talk about it to his mate and I thought "oh aye, here we go, this could get interesting" but I took a screenshot to send to a pal and when I went back he'd deleted the convo so i think the pal maybe twigged and hit the abort button.

He's sitting around this morn acting all sorry for himself and cuddling the kids like he's never gonna see them again. I've just dropped the 10yo off at an activity for the morn and I'm going to supermarket. I've told him to start taking his stuff to his mums while I'm out. And that if he doesn't I'll pack up my own car and drive his stuff across myself.

Book a Travel Lodge room and go dump his stuff in their for him. The other option is to call his parents, calmly explain that their DH wants to be with a teenage flame, had it all planned out and clearly he can't have both of you...so better he's a free man now to go and do as he likes.

Wow, you are awesome shits - stay strong, stay focused and stay on message. I don't think you can make it any clearer!!! Here's hoping he buggers off soon so you can have the house to yourself and a bit of room to breathe.

Maybe it’s actually hitting him what he’s thrown away.

Should have thought of that before he started trying to arrange a shag with someone else!

The fact that he'd concocted the "works night" away from home and tried to clear that with you, says that his intentions were fully laid out. This wasn't just a bit of flirtation or ego boosting on the web, this was a clear plan to meet an ow at a hotel and get laid.

That's the problem with an affair or in this case, not quite, the next day hard dose of reality and consequence isn't as much fun as the chase.

His point about not even kissing is immaterial. What he'd got in mind was far more involved. Far worse actually.

How fucking dare he sit there feeling sorry for himself. Weeks and weeks of actively looking for other women to put his dick in, and he's the one that's hard done by.

Please follow through. He's a selfish untrustworthy arse.

I feel sorry for you and your children. They deserved a better man in their lives. Would he be delighted if a future husband of one of his daughter's treated her this way? Would he encourage his sons to treat their future wives this way? Why is it ok to treat their mother this way?

The mind boggles that he thinks he hasn't done anything that wrong.

Stay strong! Get him out today!

Oh, and as for him immediately offering to get off of social media, etc, please notice that the first thing he did was delete his conversation with his pal when he twigged you could probably see it. So he's locking down his stuff rather than going full transparency, too... he wanted to delete or lie, not be honest. He's a fucking wanker.

Re your inheritance you paid debts off

Oh OP I'm sorry you're going through this you sound incredibly strong.
Everything i wanted to say BewareOfDragons has summed up. And when he's moping around feeling sorry for himself you can remind him of that exact point.
He actively looked and tried to arrange this, it wasn't a mistake.
He wouldn't see his daughter,sisters,mother treated this way, so why should you.
Stay strong, but allow yourself the time to have a cry/scream whatever it is that feels right at some point. x

Has he deleted the conversation with OW too?

OP ...I hope after the days done you can find a kind friends shoulder to cry on. You must need it, this has to be very draining. Phone a good friend and have someone over later.

Stay strong OP 💪

You're doing AMAZINGLY. Well done.

This speaks volumes

Then I got the "but I can't fit everything in the car and I have nowhere to go and I don't want to tell my parents yet until I know whether we can work things out or not"

He just can't be bothered with the upheaval he has caused. He doesn't care about you one bit.

He has made his bed now he can fucking lie in it for eternity.

Apologies if someone already asked, I can't see it - what's the housing situation? Is it owned in both names, joint tenancy or one name? So we can advise changing locks etc on the right info (eg if you both own it, changing locks should only really be advised for abusive situations and with backup of the police - he has as much right to be there as you do. And if he's refusing to leave, there is nothing you can do)

Shitsabout sorry that's he's making it even more difficult.

I suppose it's the shock & him grasping at straws, biding his time in the hope that he can win you round, even though you've made it crystal clear that he can't.

It's amazing that you are able to function so well - I think I'd struggle to get dressed, never mind get to the supermarket.

The fact that you are able to carry on with such strength, while he's still reeling in the haze that his selfish actions have created, will go a long way to making him realise that you in control, are able to function briliiantly without him, and that you mean what you say, I think.

If you were sat sobbing in a corner, it would surely encourage him to think there's hope, that he could manipulate the situation. (Although, tbh, that's probably what I would be doing in your situation.)

Hoping he comes round quicker rather than later, & sees that leaving the house is the right and only thing to do.