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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is planning an affair

685 replies

shitsabouttogetserious · 05/08/2018 08:45

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
lapenguin · 08/08/2018 23:01

Yeah I'd pack his shit tomorrow and take it to his mums and tell her all about it seeing as he couldn't do the decent thing and not be home
He's clearly realised he fucked up and he's embarrassed and worried people will realise he's a dick

Justgettothepoint · 08/08/2018 23:03

He couldn't fit everything in the car?! -what's he taking with him?! Surely he just needs a weeks worths of clothes and toiletries etc for now? Hope you manage to kick him out tomoro OP cos the longer this goes on the harder it will get. Been throu an amicable split myself but took dh ages to 'find somewhere to rent' it was bloody agony! Be strong don't waiver if this is what you want. Flowers

Mrstobe90 · 08/08/2018 23:06

I agree that you should tell his parents. He's their problem now.

I'm so sorry he's being such a shit!

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2018 23:09

All the excuses he’s given about the stuff fitting in his car and not having anywhere to go, we’re the exact same reasons my BIL gave to my sister.

She found out her H had been having an emotional affair. She check his phone bill and he was messaging the same number up to 60 times day. She didn’t even know what the messages said but she ended their 20year marriage.

She did actually decide to give him time to find somowwhere else but he was a nasty bastard to her fir weeks. (Their dc are older and have left home).
If I were you Id tell him if he isn’t gone by 8 in the morning, with his stuff, you will tell everybody what he’s been up to.

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2018 23:10

Excuse typos!

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2018 23:11

I agree that you should tell his parents. He's their problem now.

No I don’t agree with that. He’s a grown man why should he be the responsiblity of his parents? He needs to sort himself out and I wouldn’t be phoning his parents at 11 in the evening.

meowimacat · 08/08/2018 23:18

He needs to leave ASAP. He is hoping you'll come around if he stays and he knows you don't like confrontation so probably thinks his best bet is to confront you and convince you to change your mind. Stay strong, tell him to go elsewhere - it doesn't matter where. He wasn't thinking of your feelings when he was messaging OW whilst you were sat in the same room as him - so don't think about his feelings as you tell him to leave. xx

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong · 08/08/2018 23:24

I feel for you - hiding upstairs - horrible. I hoe at least this threat is giving you an outlet for the frustration and you don't feel alone

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 08/08/2018 23:29

No it's too late to phone his parents. Ive told him I want him out tomorrow though and he's given me the "I can't find somewhere to rent that quickly" and I'm telling him to stay with his folks till he finds something.

I'm sleeping (well, lying down Mumsnetting) in the babies room and he's been in trying to convince me to talk to him but I'm refusing to engage right now other than to say "no, you're a twat, I can't trust you and i still want you to leave tomorrow" and repeat.

Even now he's only thinking of himself and not listening to what I want or need, which is space and to be left alone. He's pleading for a 2nd chance etc etc when even his mate (the twat still hasn't figured out I'm logged into his fb messenger) is telling him to leave me alone and give me some space to cool down.

OP posts:
Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere · 08/08/2018 23:34
Flowers

You are dealing with this very well OP even in the face of him being an even bigger knob

NoMoreFear · 08/08/2018 23:37

shitsabouttogetserious Thank you. Thank you for being so strong and dignified. You have saved my life. I let my husband get away with texting his brother about how hot one of their friends is and then a 3-month long EA (at least that’s what he claims). He then proceeded to leave me and our daughter with full cheater script and I was left heartbroken. How I wish I was strong like you! At least you made me feel strong now. Thank you!

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 08/08/2018 23:55

Nowhere to go?? Friends, family, premier inn?? Jesus they all say this bollocks. Not your problem anymore. He's got all night to pack some shit and reserve a room online at any hotel, it isn't rocket science, he is just hoping you will back down and get back in your box. He is an utter twat of a cliche, op, you will be absolutely fine when he has gone.

bullyingadvice2017 · 09/08/2018 00:02

Keep strong with that line. He will try every trick in the book to reel you back in. I remember a night of uncertainty and a morning trying to get rid of mine. So much happier now it will be worth it all.

pisces7268 · 09/08/2018 00:09

If he could afford a weekend away with this woman he can afford a hotel for himself
Well done op

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 09/08/2018 05:41

Wow. No matter that he has single handedly fucked your life over and the DC's lives, it's all about where he is going to lay his sorry ass isn't it? What a charm free bastard. Really glad you are able to actually see him for what he is OP. Had this not happened you would have been wasting your love on him.
Is he stalling so he can come up with a version that doesn't involve him looking like a massive prick I wonder?

Timefortea99 · 09/08/2018 06:22

Perhaps he can go and stay with his Facebook friend. Bet she is backing away so fast.....so I assume he found time to message her. What did he say in that message?

thebird93 · 09/08/2018 06:35

Stay strong and don't back down. You'll feel better when you have a bit of space x

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 09/08/2018 06:36

No, no contact with ow since Tuesday night. He's blown that too cos she now knows he was only really after sex so he can't really go back there even if he is now single. And she lives too far away to be any use to him right now.

OP posts:
Sharpcattlegridheavyhat · 09/08/2018 06:44

How did the night go? Hope you’re ok and standing firm, are the DC up yet?

loveisland · 09/08/2018 06:49

Go op you are so strong Thanks he's such a coward you deserve better!

fraggle84 · 09/08/2018 07:02

Morning OP, has he rang his parents? If not I’d do it now and get him out this morning

sexnotgender · 09/08/2018 07:23

Nowhere to go? Not really your problem is it!

He’s quite capable of working out how to book a hotel when he wants to shag his ex but all of a sudden he’s not able to now?

What an unattractive cheating man child. If I were you I’d be packing his bag and putting it at the front door. Whilst he should of course pack his own bag you know he’s going to use that as a stalling tactic tomorrow.

Do you have a (preferably Male) friend who could come over in the morning to help you get him out?

sexnotgender · 09/08/2018 07:23

Are your parents still around or nearby? Would they come to your house to help you?

Chalady · 09/08/2018 07:25

He says he has never kissed anyone? You think something may have happened 2 years ago.
That would always be in my mind.

Mix56 · 09/08/2018 07:33

"Never kissed anyone" is like
"I have been trying to shag multiple donkeys for 2 years, but haven't kissed anyone"
Jog on Tosser.

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