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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 05/08/2018 08:55

Watch out for his next 'Explanation' as he's had lots of time now to think of ways to convince you to let him back.
He'll try to minimise and downplay and maybe even try to put the blame onto you.
Weaselly little weasel.

Xanadu44 · 05/08/2018 08:59

Well done. Just concentrate on you and the kids for a few days, get some energy back xx

Flopisonsomething · 05/08/2018 09:09

So sorry, OP.
Hope you got some rest.
Also hope you have someone there in RL to be with you,

jazzyfizzles · 05/08/2018 09:11

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP Thanks

rainbowruthie · 05/08/2018 09:12

I'm so sorry to read your update Flowers

LadyWithLapdog · 05/08/2018 09:18

Just what was he thinking of? So sorry to read this.

Jjjjigoo · 05/08/2018 09:24

Just what did he think the consequences would be when he was eventually found out? Or maybe he thought he was being too clever to be found out.

It's hard now but you will get through this and be grateful that you discovered it.

Onemorefortheroad · 05/08/2018 09:31

Nothing to add that others haven’t said already :-( So sorry that you have found this out Flowers

Jammydodger81 · 05/08/2018 09:34

So sorry to hear this OP. Make sure you take care of yourself today.

TomHardyswife · 05/08/2018 10:00

So sorry OP. Thanks

Original poster
FuckyDuzz · 05/08/2018 10:04

Thanks so much everyone

I just wanted to share his explanation because now I’m thinking about it again tbh I think it raises more questions than it answers

So apparently his friend (this one dickhead that I hate that always seems to be the common denominator when something shit is happening) had got into some trouble and basically was selling drugs and ended up with more than he could get rid of and desperately needed to sell them to pay someone
He’d come to DP desperate for help because apparently DP knows more people than him (Hmm) so he’d helped him, and this is where the phone came from, dickhead mate had give it to him
This girl is a friend of a friends girlfriend (and a stripper) who he’d sold some to and of course it was her who took a shine to DP and perused him, was offering different ways to pay yada yada yada
He’s adamant they haven’t had full sex but did admit to her giving him blowjobs
He also refuses to use the word ‘affair’ because apparently it wasn’t anything beyond a blowjob and they ‘barely even talk’

He had no answer to my ‘but why, you get blowjobs at home’ questions
He reckons he just got swept up in it all and was flattered by the attention

Then he started to tell me how he’s bottom of the pile at home but I shut that shit down straight away I will not be blamed for this
I’ve got 4 fucking kids yeah he’s fifth in line, just like I am for him but I’m not running around getting blowjobs off strippers in the middle of the night

I was listening to him talk and just thinking - who are you?! Drugs, blowjobs, strippers - what?! This is not the person I thought I knew Confused

I’ve told my Mum that he left last night (not what he’s done) and she’s told us to all go there this afternoon and she’ll make dinner so I feel relieved already not to be alone all day

I so so so appreciate every one of you and your support Flowers

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 05/08/2018 10:08

Well that's a tale he had right there.

I hope he truly believes it was worth his marriage.

I'm glad you have your mum.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 05/08/2018 10:09

For me there'd be no coming back from that, so sorry you've got to deal with this.
Get support from your mum Flowers

Flightbite · 05/08/2018 10:09

@FuckyDuzz I've no words other than I'm sorry xx

catgirl1976 · 05/08/2018 10:10

OP you are worth so much more than this. Stay strong and let your mum look after you for a bit.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 05/08/2018 10:11

Oh shit! I've been lurking on the thread. I'm so impressed at your strength. That's a lot to take in.
Completely agree with you. DP knows his place in line with regards to need, of course your children come first.
I know from experience that there is no going back from the cheating, but you have so much more to process.
I hope you have a lovely day today, try not to think about it Thanks I'm glad you have a nice Mum to help. He doesn't deserve you.

rainbowstardrops · 05/08/2018 10:12

Oh @FuckyDuzz, I am so sorry. What an absolute bastard!
He's got four young children at home and he thought it would be a good idea to get caught up in drugs and getting blowjobs from a stripper???!!!!
I don't usually shout LTB on threads as it's not always easy to but there is no way on earth that I'd be able to forgive the shitbag.
I'm so glad you've got your mum for support Thanks

Gojira · 05/08/2018 10:12

A very elaborate tale indeed!

And likely a load of horse shit.

He can dress it up however he likes, he's cheated.

What a WANKER.

bluemoonchances · 05/08/2018 10:13

So sorry OP. From what you've said about the shortness of the messages the drug phone thing sounds plausible. These small disposable phones are classic dealer phones. Would also explain why he wasn't fussed about having it with him.
As for the rest, I can't even comprehend how you will get your head around it. You sound stronger than you think, well done for shutting him down when he tried to twist it on to you. Whatever decision you make will be the right decision for you and your family. Listen to your gut. It's worked so far xx

TheSassyAssassin · 05/08/2018 10:15

Right lady. Time to get tough. He definitely isn't who you thought he was. Whether you believe the "it was because of my friend" line or not, he has effectively told you he is supplying drugs to a woman in return for sexual favours! You do not want this tosser around you, or as the main male role model for your kids! It's on a par with bloody pimps sending girls out to have sex and then taking the money off them in return for drugs. He's sick! You tell your mum. You tell some close friends too so you have some support. NONE of this is your fault. NONE of it. Decent people don't do any of this shit. So glad you shut his victim-talk down. There aren't any excuses on his part. He has shown his true colours and now you know. You deserve more. Your children deserve more. And in time I really do believe you will come out the other side and find happiness. Flowers for you and 💩 for the tosser! Angry

DillyDilly · 05/08/2018 10:16

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Getting involved in selling drugs and the potential consequences as well as possible danger he’s putting you and your children in would be the end for me. As bad as his sexual liaisons with this woman imo.

You are in no way to blame for this.

Branleuse · 05/08/2018 10:17

Ugh, thats even worse than an affair. That poor woman and poor you. Hes a real fucking dick isnt he. Gross gross gross.

Love and strength to you.

Gojira · 05/08/2018 10:18

Also, if he was supposed to be paying off the drug debt to the friend of a friend via the stripper - then why would SHE be giving him blow jobs?!

That makes no sense, like the rest of the made up story.

I'm very sorry OP. But I would be so fucking angry that he was creating this elaborate scenario, purely to try and deflect away from the fact that he's cheated.

kaitlinktm · 05/08/2018 10:18

Of course it isn't the full true - he is minimising - but even so it is bad enough. What constitutes an affair if having blow jobs doesn't, and the drugs!! What sort of father of four gets involved in selling drugs ffs?

And then he followed the script - trying to blame you (well done for deflecting that one straight away), crying, declarations of "love". How much did he "love" you when he was getting blow jobs?

I know you haven't told your mum and I understand why - but she will have worked out some of it for herself when she sees your reaction.

Just to share - this happened to me 20+ years ago - well, it was a "proper" affair (whatever that is) and, as there was no MN then, I allowed him to victim blame me and gave him another chance (for the children Hmm - what a fool I was) didn't tell any of our families kept his dirty secret for him - I felt like it was mine. I thought my parents would hate him forever if they knew (and they probably would have - but they would also have helped me to leave him if I had wanted to, I felt so helpless at the time.)

I could never look at him the same again and eight years later he buggered off anyway, eight years I'll never get back. If MN had been around then, my life would have been so much different.

Consider confiding in your Mum, that's all.

BlueAnemone · 05/08/2018 10:18

He's a fool. And he chose to help his friend knowing that just by getting involved at all, he was putting his family in jeopardy.
At least your children have one good role model. I hope you have a nice afternoon with your mum.