Just thrown husband out

[Ceebeegee]

Got no one to talk to in real life so posting here to try to get some clarity .
Just discovered load of messages on husbands phone , he's been meeting up for sex and sexting. He had her on kik messenger which was hidden on his apps. He said "Ok, I have no defence "
And let me throw him out.

He didn't even say sorry or try to fight for our marriage.

I totally did not see this coming..

We have a 5 year old who will know something is wrong when daddy is not here in the morning.

Cant believe hes thrown our marriage away and our family life.

I don't know what to do.

I’m sorry he’s done this. Wanker.

You’re doing the right thing not even considering taking him back - not that the stupid prick is even asking for your forgiveness - yet, but I bet he will. Little Miss Fuck probably won’t even want him once she knows he’s available full time. Even if she does, it probably won’t take him long to discover the grass isn’t greener. But hopefully you’ll stay strong enough not to take him back, because, trust me, THAT is a living hell. It destroyed me trying to ‘make it work’ far more than him fucking someone else did. Wish I had MN in those days, I’d have handled it all so differently.

She is NOT better than you, she doesn’t have anything you don’t have, it’s not about which of you is ‘more attractive’ etc. If filthy rich, stunning looking models/actresses/celebs are being cheated on, it really does show it’s not about a about any of those things. It’s ego boosting, string free sex, offered on a platter. Taken up by a weak, pathetic, twat.

I am really sorry he’s done this to you, it hurts so much and it’s so hard when you though you had a good marriage and were happy. It’s a complete mind fuck. It will take you sometime to get your head around it and move on, but don’t let it take too long. I really regret allowing it to fuck up FAR too much of my life and changing the course of my life entirely. Be sad, wallow, cry, shout etc but not for too long.🌷

@AnnieAnoniMoose thank you. You mention that it was harder to try to make it work , May I ask did you make it work ? Or did you permanently split in the end ?

With a clear mind , I totally get that it isn't about who is better / what does she have that I don't. But when I'm alone and replaying their messages, I ask myself what was so magical about her that made him go to her ever single spare minute and he couldn't wait to get away from me. It kills your confidence doesn't it ?

Omg what a horrible man to do that to u, I'm so sorry op

No one will bloody want him after they find what what he's done to his wife !!! Shame on him.

U just need to focus on u and ur dc, and he'll soon realise what a mistake he's made.

How did u find the messages if the app was hidden ? Sorry I don't understand how kik works

@Tropicana123 he has an iphone which has folders on the screen, and there are apps within the folders
such as an "entertainment" folder has netflix and bbc i player, the "travel" folder has sat-nav and traffic altert apps, and one which is "social media" which contains facebook, messenger, instragram etc. The social media would be the obvious one to contain anything incriminating but there was nothing unusual in there.

There was a folder called "sports" or "work folder", and when I open it up, the first apps I saw are regular apps like sky sports news, football live, but when I scrolled to the second screen of apps, there was Whatsapp and Kik messenger. On kik messenger, I found the messages and photos.

Yes kik is the app people having affairs use. So he was very blatant and quite the expert.
TBH if you took him back he would probably find a new way to get extra marital sex. That's all these women are trust me. He might move on to sex workers next.
I really don't think you should take him back as I did. Otherwise you will constantly looking over your shoulder.
If this was a normal affair the woman would have had used her real name. I think this was married people meeting up for sex. He won't even know her real name so hardly a love affair. Anyway that's what the clues are telling me.

@Feckers2018 I re-read the messages during a crying session earlier and although her message name is a nickname, there is a message that confirms they have known each other for 2.5 years . They were discussing whether they were fuck buddies or friends with benefits. I don't know if this means they've been sleeping with each other for 2.5 years or not.
I'm not taking him back . It'll be hard , one of the hardest things I'll prob ever go through.

I hate to suggest this, but do you think he may have been planning to leave and this is why he isn't falling over himself to apologise, win you back etc.
We tell women to get their ducks in a row, maybe this is what he was doing.
I think a solicitors letter and divorce proceedings asap, do be careful he isn't up to something, like hiding money.
So sorry you are going through this

I am so sorry you e been treated so appallingly -what an absolute wanker . And as hard and horrible it is at least you've found out now rather than carrying on being lied too. You've got proof of adultery now surely with the screen shots so see a solicitor and let the bastard bloody have it 👊👊👊 much love xxx

Yes @RomanyRoots the more I analyse things with hindsight , the more I think he was planning on leaving.
The messages were absolutely constant , dozens and dozens a day and he was physically with her almost every day after work (falsifying his hours to me ).
And they've known each other 2.5 years and class themselves as "friends ".
Plus he left a sex toy (not ours) in his bedroom drawers so I'm thinking he was getting ready to let me find out so he had an easy way out to leave.
I mean , when I chucked him out at 10.30 pm he went straight to hers :(
So yes it does appear he was planning on leaving anyway .

Even if he is the one that committed adultery, can he still claim 50% of everything? I'm in the house at the moment , isn't he entitled to 50%? That means id have to sell the house and uproot out DS causing even more turbulence

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.
Sorry to mention it and apologies if it's already been said, but have you thought about an STI test. X

Ceebeegee UK divorce settlements are based on no fault so adultery will have no bearing on the finances. 50/50 is the starting point for marriages over 5 years (which includes seamless cohabitation beforehand) but the courts then adjust that figure by taking other factors into account e.g who will be primary carer if there are dependent DC, whether one party is much older than the other (i.e. closer to retirement age hence fewer years earning potential), disabilities affecting ability to work etc. So don't assume he'll get half.

Sorry you are going through this

I THINK OP as you are main carer to your son and it's his home you can stay there until he's 18. Hopefully someone with better knowledge will
Come along X

Hi there. You need to see a SHL asap. As you have a five year old I think you would get at least 60%
Do it now with your proof because if you leave it longer say six months you cant claim adultery as it will be seen that you accepted it as you didn't act at the time. Funny one that.
Proof has to be pretty exact I think. Not sure what you would need.
So get lawyered up as quick as you can as it will make you feel in control but don't tell his him or his family as that would be giving him a heads up.

I felt so much better after getting a free hour. Choose wisely and be clear what you want.

Oh gosh that's rubbish .
It's my house but I could lose it because he's shagging about ...thats insane.
I'll ring a local solicitor tomorrow to get a consultation.

As if it wasn't hard enough.

Sex toy in the drawer? Bloody good riddance. He will wake up from his sex zone and think oh my god what have I done? But its his lesson to learn. Bet he tries to come back at a later date.
You are doing everything right. Do not speak to him as in the script he will turn it round on you bollocks.
What a shit dad he is.
You on the other hand sound switched on and amazing.

Really don't feel switched on :(

What a complete twat he is. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this.

Now I'm freaking about the house.
The mortgage etc is in my name and I have only minimal savings, we didn't have any shared bank accounts. I think the equity in the property is relatively low ,about 15k so 50% of that after fees doesn't seem like itd worth it ?

I’m so sorry to hear. Your head must be in complete overdrive. I don’t have much advice I’m afraid but I would certainly suggest you and your son going on your holiday, why should you miss out on making lovely memories with your little boy. I know for me personally a change of scenery without the day to day hassles always help make things a little better! I hope everything works out for you xx

No need to freak out yet. Get moving tmrw and book an appointment with solicitor. They will tell you all you need to know.
Can you afford mortgage on your own? Its not worth releasing that low amount of equity.
Anyways no need to panic yet. Its about you recovering from the shock first.

Also I wouldn't be involving his parents in many details as it will eventually get back to him. Be careful there.

@Feckers2018 do you think I'd be better booking an appointment with a solicitor, or using one of those "no appointment needed free 15 minutes " ones?

Yes I can afford the mortgage on my own. The affordability tests etc were all based on my sole income which is why it's all in my name.

And I totally agree about the inlaws. At first I thought she was being really supportive but now not so much. I specifically told her I was not interested to find out who the OW was, i didn't know and I didn't want to know.
However today she tells me the OWs name. Even though I said clearly that i didn't want to know.

bimgy85

Do you think anything led up to this, did you have a good sex life? Never have sex?

WTF ? Shows how much you know about all of this .

What a complete tossed. You must try and get an STI check also, no one will judge you but it’s best to be safe

So sorry to hear what you are going through.
My hubby left me just over 2 years ago. We had a row & he went off to his sister's....he often ran back to mum or sister but this time he seemed to be taking a lot of stuff. Somehow I knew it was over. 2 weeks later I found out he had been having an online affair...someone he knew as a child, she was living abroad...she left her family over there & moved in with my hubby. Till he collected her from the airport it had all been online...they hadn't even met in over 30 years, since he was 10!
Anyway we were married 9 years & DC was then nearly 8. I'd lived in my house 10 years before I met him. Mortgage in my name & I paid all bills as he just worked part time. DC lives with me. But solicitor said as we were married he was entitled to half & could claim on my pension. In fact, I only just earned under an amount when I would have had to pay him maintenance! So he had an affair, he walked out on his family but he's entitled to half my house & I could have had to pay him enough money so he could continue to 'live in the style he was accustomed to'....solicitors words! The fact his gf got £90k equity from her half of her house meant nothing.
We have waited 2 years to divorce. He decided he didn't want anything from my house.....unless I move out before DC is 18! ( he said to protect DCs interests but it's not, it's cos he doesn't want me & DC to live with my BF who I met a year ago.) He has since bought a house & when I told him that would go in the marital pot he backed off & doesn't want anything from me at all. Just waiting for decree nisi.
At first I was angry & heartbroken...but as time passed I realised I am so much better off without him. Everyone comments on how much happier I am. I put me first for once & lost 10stones last year. I was so much more confident & a better mum too as had more energy & time for DC. Life as a single parent is not always easy, but it's better for DC to have happy parents living seperately.
It will be hard for you to see right now, but things do get better.
I suggest legal advice asap.
Plus talk yo your friends & family & let them support you.
I saw a counsellor, which helped. And my friends were great.
Sending you lots of love.