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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just thrown husband out

90 replies

Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 22:32

Got no one to talk to in real life so posting here to try to get some clarity .
Just discovered load of messages on husbands phone , he's been meeting up for sex and sexting. He had her on kik messenger which was hidden on his apps. He said "Ok, I have no defence "
And let me throw him out.

He didn't even say sorry or try to fight for our marriage.

I totally did not see this coming..

We have a 5 year old who will know something is wrong when daddy is not here in the morning.

Cant believe hes thrown our marriage away and our family life.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Biddie191 · 01/08/2018 06:53

So sorry to hear this - you must be feeling shell shocked. Just stay strong, look after yourself and your son, and make sure he doesn't wipe any joint bank accounts. You should be able to put a freeze on transactions I think?

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 06:55

Yes they usually rewrite history when they've been caught out. It's good you know this, one less shock for you if that happens.

Keep posting. Lots of us have been through this. Wish I'd had MN decades ago when it happened to me!

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 07:19

@biddie191 We don't have any shared bank accounts. He paid me X-amount per month to cover half of the outgoings (it wasnt even half actually but I didnt argue )
The house is in my name (maybe not a conventional set up , but I was the biggest earner for most of the relationship so the mortgage and house is in my sole name ). I can imagine he's going to turn that around and claim I'm a control freak with money . He may be right actually but at least our
child has got a roof over their head.
We've got a £2000 holiday balance to pay in the next 7 days. I've got the money at a stretch but I'm not sure whether just to cut my losses and loose the deposit by cancelling the holiday, or whether I should go ahead and just take my son.

@ryder63 may I ask what happened? Did you consider fighting for the marriage when you found out ?

OP posts:
Cawfee · 01/08/2018 08:49

Don’t be the bad guy OP. Tell your mil exactly what you found. If he doesn’t explain it to you then he might explain it to her!!

Cawfee · 01/08/2018 08:51

Whatever he claims you are...control freak with money etc does not make it ok or right what he did. He broke your vows, you didn’t. Stand up for yourself and don’t let anyone blame shift. He cannot be excused for his vile behaviour towards you

BIWI · 01/08/2018 08:52

Tell your MIL - you have a right to get your story out first! Don't let him tell his version of events, because it surely won't be the truth, especially to his own mother

RatRolyPoly · 01/08/2018 08:53

A marriage is about who you're married to; that's the crux of it. You can try and save a marriage for the good times in it, but you can't save who you're married to, and if that man is scum (he is, by the way) your marriage will always be worthless. His love is worthless to you now. you can't depend on it, you can't trust it, it won't take care of you; so even if you could have it for the sake of your marriage you'd only have a whole heap of nothing. You're better off on your own.

RatRolyPoly · 01/08/2018 08:53

Oh, and yeah, tell your MIL.

Mmer · 01/08/2018 09:05

You must be feeling shocked right now. Your husband has shown his true colours. If he cheated on you with so much at stake, he will never be faithful to anyone. Good riddance.

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 09:06

may I ask what happened? Did you consider fighting for the marriage when you found out ?

Our DC was a couple of months old. I found love letters from a woman he had contact with through work. He said it was a silly mistake, she was doing the running, he was flattered.....one day I went home after visiting my DM - he'd packed and gone. Leaving me a note "don't try to find me" Hmm guess where he was.....

No, I did not fight for him, even though I was devastated and totally in love still. I have not lived with another man to this day. LTRs, dating, yes - but I have very little trust even now.

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 09:07

Gah bold fail there Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 09:18

Sorry you are going through this OP.
It's truly shit.
But right now you will be in shock.
Look after yourself. Keep hydrated and your sugar levels up because the shock will hit you soon enough.
Get as many friends and family around you as possible.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT keep his dirty little secret.
That's the biggest mistake I made.
I went through hell, on my own.
Tell everyone the truth of what has happened.
You will feel the weight lift a bit when you share this burden.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 09:51

So, I told the MIL. Initially, she was shocked. Then she said he does spend a lot of time on the phone - which is true. He even takes the phone to toilet. Which is now obvious why.
Something I never know, but MIL has been through this - when her husband was cheating, she threw him out. He ran straight to the OW who backed off, and then he begged MIL to take him back. Sometimes me and the MIL dont have a great relationship but we had a really good discussion, especially as she has been through this same thing.

Eugh, when I found the messages last night, I took some screen shots of them. Against my better judgment, I re-read them this morning. I wondered how on earth he found the time since we both work full time.
Turns out he has lied about his working hours - I believed he worked 6am till 6pm, but turns out he has been finishing work at 2pm, going round her house for a shag/blow job /whatever and then coming home to me at half 6 making out he's had a hard days work.

OP posts:
madhattermum · 01/08/2018 09:52

Wow @madhattermum you should be a motivational speaker,

You have no idea how many women (mainly) I speak to on a weekly basis going through similar. What I wrote in the first post is what needs to be done once you have had time to get over the shock. Overall you need to find constructive ways to channel the hurt/pain by setting yourself goals. Small ones to get you out of the house at first. But ultimately hun you need to redefine and empower yourself. It's ok to cry and have Wobblies but when your done you wipe those tears and stand up again. No one said life would be easy. There are no 'Guarantees' in life except death. Live life with that one simple rule and you will learn to let go of disappointed and damaged expectations from people that cause you pain. Rewire your brain to think differently. Our expectations are only because of the way we think. That doesn't mean you don't aim high in life. It just means you deal with moments and events that cause you pain in a different more constructive way. Instead of looking at the future in despair of how it makes you feel you feel at the moment, remember these feelings will fester as long as you let them. Look at your future with optimism. You are being given a clean slate to write your story again. He has already chosen his path. Which path will you choose. The one that runs alongside his? Watching him live his life? Waiting for him to want to come back to yours? No you need to set your own standards, hold your head up high and stick to them. Never cross oceans for those that wouldn't consider crossing a river for you. Good luck OP xxx

GFat32 · 01/08/2018 10:10

It’s tough I’m
Six months in now after leaving and honestly the majority of time I’m extremley happy. I worry a lot about my DC and get sad he is an only child but I could never be with my stbxh again. I honestly adored him and never thought he’d cheat I was so shocked when I found out. He didn’t say sorry he just walked away didn’t even put up a fight. You can do this focus on you and your son do not contact him or her. Tell your own family and friends not his. Start creating your circle of trust. I remember howling one day in my sisters kitchen. Even now I stil get a bit teary. Don’t put your life on hold xxx

Cawfee · 01/08/2018 10:11

Wow!! He’s been at it every afternoon! What a liar. Divorce him for adultery. Keep copies of everything. Go see a solicitor

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/08/2018 10:33

How are you this morning, OP? So sorry to hear you are going through this. Keep the screen shots, you can use them in the divorce.

Great that you told MIL, and also good that she is supporting you.

You must still be in total shock. He is lying, cheating bastard and you are better off without him.

Unfortunately you will probably need an STD check...

Re: holiday, how much will you lose on the deposit? It might be nice for you and DS to get away. But change the locks on the house before you go.

Be kind to yourself. If you can't eat, make sure you stay hydrated (sugary drinks). And yes, get some legal advice.

In 6 months time, you will be flying.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 11:34

I'm at work, glad for the distraction.

yes, @Cawfee, he's been at it most afternoons and his days off. I feel like a fool - I would work all day, and get his tea ready for him coming home at 6.30pm, now it turns out he's been finishing at 2 and shagging about. Argh, I really had no idea.
He's been messaging her whilst we've been in the house together and even in bed together. I've been sleeping next to him, whilst he's been sexting some other woman.

My MIL wants to know who the OW is. But I really dont, I dont see what it will acheive? Her profile name on Kik messenger is very obviously a nick name so I have no idea how to find out who she is, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 12:00

Agreed - you do not need to know who she is.
It won't make you feel any better.
And it doesn't matter who she is.
HE did the dirty on you and it probably could have been anyone!

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 12:06

that's what i thought, @hellsbellsmelons.
It doesn't change what's happened, whether I find out who she is or not.

Theres been no contact from him today. He has read a message this morning I sent, telling him his belongings were left outside in the front garden. I'll see tonight whether they've been moved. I'm not sure why...but I was expecting at least a message from him asking to talk it through, but the true colours are really coming out now - he really doesnt give a shit.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 01/08/2018 12:38

Sorry to read your post OP
Day at a time is all you can do sweetheart - keeping busy helps

Ryder63 · 01/08/2018 12:47

He may be 'hiding' out of fear and shame, but whatever the reason for radio silence is, he KNOWS how devastated you are, and is acting in a cowardly manner on top of everything else.

OnlyTheDepthVaries · 01/08/2018 19:55

Madhattermum I concur with OP. You make a lot of sense. I love your expression " Never cross oceans for those that wouldn't consider crossing a river for you." It is certainly one to live by.

Feckers2018 · 02/08/2018 01:03

Hi there. I'm so glad you found out. He really has been an entitled wanker. I would suggest he has met her through Ashley Madison or some similar affair website and maybe he has been doing it for some time. As she has a nickname on kik then she could be a married woman and won't divulge her identity.
If so he has probably met lots of women. Of course I'm just guessing but it could be this.
If you wanted you could check his bank account records etc but really you already know.
You sound like a strong character. What a weak fool he is.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 02/08/2018 06:11

Yeah, my MIL keeps pressing to find out where he met her - work / hobby/ online but it doesn't make a difference at the end of the day .
He's broken up our family which hurts like hell .
I did quite well at work yesterday- I think keeping my mind occupied helps.
I had a real wobble last night, coming home to an empty house. We always seemed so happy, and he was always affectionate. I'm missing that at the moment.
I messaged him to say the rest of his stuff had been left outside. He replied with "thank you. I'm sorry for what I've done ".
I didn't reply.

OP posts: