Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

I think you'd have had this fling even if you didn't have problems in your marriage, just going by what you've said about your ex.

The fling is wrong and you have now realised this and talking about going NC with him.
I believe that counselling and trying to get your marriage sorted out is the only way to move forward from here.

So, your husband contributes nothing at all to the household, he doesn't do much work in the house. Foesnt take care of the children, spends money recklessly, you haven't had sex in 3 years, you've been having an affair for go knows how long and you just feel resentment towards your husband. You will be no worse off financially if you leave him so why don't you just do that?

SO this business that isn’t bringing in enough money is a startup ? Bit early to write off its earning potential surely after eight months?

Or sack the nanny and he can be a sahd?

Splitting with your husband will still leave you hating your job, supporting him financially and feeling lonely (I guess you'd move out) as well as having to fund a new home for yourself. I can understand your feelings of resentment, but I think you should be looking to change your job, spend more time with your children (and if you have to take a step down in lifestyle, so be it) and get some counselling with your husband so you can have a more adult relationship where you are both sharing the load (you with children, him with earnings). You can't go on as you are.

Don’t bank on him earning more suddenly magically sorting things out either. I knew a couple where she had an EA because he wasn’t doing enough with the kids. When she finally told him he was mortified. Pulled out all the stops till she had to admit he’d become a brilliant dad. But she still couldn’t give up the infatuation. Eventually said it had made no difference to her feelings so perhaps that hadn’t been the issue after all. In fact she now resented what he was doing because she thought it was showing her up. Long story short, they’re now divorced. Her EA went PA and the OM left his wife/got thrown out.

Point is, when push came to shove, she resented having to give her bad Mills & Boon life experience up. It wasn’t even as if the OM was a soulmate type. It was just a naughty thrill like a couple of teenagers smoking behind the bike sheds. I often wonder if she’d have preferred her H to have just carried on the way he was.

If you really want a solution then tell everything to your husband .........this will lift a burden from your heart and will make you see things clear.....this will be a wake up call for your husband(no matter if he is childish) and will make him realize his folly ..........you cant find a solution if you will keep everything in your heart.......tell everything to your hubby and have patience.......your marriage will become great ,i will pray to god with my whole heart........just end your affair with your ex

I dont know if you realize this but your hubby has got some serious issues which he feels awkward to tell anyone..........ask him if something bad had happened to him in the past

Interesting how the narrative has changed throughout the thread.

Have you and your DH actually discussed your lack of sex life in the last three years?

Amanda123444 Don’t we all.

Schnitzelvonkrumm Not much. I keep saying I just don’t feel like it but will sort myself out soon. I told him recently he needs to start paying his way because I’ve lost respect for him and it’s part of the reason I don’t want to have sex. He says very little. He is very, very English and emotionally repressed. He would never cause a scene or say how much it is affecting him.

Amanda123444 I’m actually rather intrigued. Are you a psychic or something? Do tell me more. Tell me how my ex actually feels about me while you’re at it.

Next week’s lottery numbers would also be helpful.

I told him recently he needs to start paying his way because I’ve lost respect for him and it’s part of the reason I don’t want to have sex.

Well I’m sure that made him feel a million dollars. I can imagine to utter roasting a bloke would get on here if he’d said that to his wife.

You’ve reduced him to an economic unit. And one you don’t appear to like very much let alone love.

*the utter roasting

You don't want help, do you OP. Not the kind that requires you to think about anyone else's well-being but your own.

I agree, PiggeryPorcombe. If a woman posted that her husband had told her that he didn't want to have sex with her because she wasn't earning enough, she'd be told to LTB immediately!

Argh, once again it is not that he is not earning enough! It’s that he is not trying, relying on me when there are others in his family he could go to to help support his business (who are quite literally 100 times richer than I am) and being reckless with money.

There have been times that I have worked for less than the cost of childcare, in a job that meant something to me.

I would have been fucked off beyond belief if dh thought I was unreasonable for that tbh.

But OP you can comfortably afford to support him clearly, you have to work long hours yes but so do a lot of people for Jack shit. Why would he go to his family when he is married to someone who earns enough. You have a marriage in which you should support each other it just turns out that at this point in time you are supporting him. You just sound like you resent the factyou have to share your very comfortable income with your husband.
Who knows in a year's time his business could be bringing in the big bucks and you could have lost your job and he will be supporting you. Wonder how you would feel then if he resented you, wouldn't have sex with you and started having an affair. He could justify it with, "my wife isn't pulling her weight" and the women he is having an affair with "is just the most beautiful woman he has ever met in his life" .

The thing is OP you know have a story that puts you in a good light without having to shoulder any of the blame.

You're playing with fire here. Would your ex be interested if he was still married? He's single and you're available

WillowRose79 He pursued me before when he was married so yes he would be interested. The question is in what. But I think I know the answer now.

You’re a fool.

NotPerTickly I think you’re probably right.