Annoying guy doesn’t seem to get the message

[PookieDo]

Guy is my tutor as I am adult learning which is why he has my contact details. Now he’s started following me on social media where I post arty type photos, and I am annoyed and awkward about it because I feel like right now he isn’t doing anything terrible, just being irritating. He likes all my photos and I don’t really want to have to go private just to get away from him (it’s not a private account... it’s not photos of myself but he knows it’s me and think he found it via my phone number?). Last week he sent me a DM about a photo I posted which I ignored. Last month he sent me a message about something I was wearing at a tutorial.

I have told him multiple times i am not interested, so now I am just ignoring him unless it’s course related. He was outrageously sexual with me when he thought I might be interested but I put a stop to that and now it’s just multiple attempts at being friendly. So nothing that bad.... am I over reacting?

I do not want to report him because I am getting close to the end of course and really just need to get through the exam - and I am concerned that if he got thrown off this course as tutor it would really affect mine and my fellow students progress and be a complete mess. We had a rocky start with tutors and just want to finish. I also do worry he’s going to pass my work because he thinks I will shag him

In summary, annoying guy seems to have no self awareness and is pissing off woman trying to learn something.

I am considering reporting him once I have passed the exam. Is this cowardly?

You have to report him now OP! He will be replaced immediately. Your course won't be affected.

You have kept any evidence of his behaviour?

This is a difficult call - he is a creep in a position of authority and if you have reason to think he might negatively affect the outcome of your course, you are under no obligation to report him RIGHT NOW.

Document everything. Do you have written evidence of him harassing you - emails/texts / screenshots of him saying inappropriate things? Save them and back them up. Has anyone else witnessed his behaviour? Talk to them and see if they would be willing to make an official statement.

Then you get to decide if/when you take action. You don't "have" to report it - this is your life and your call to make. It sucks that this creepy man is making you feel uncomfortable and he is 100% the problem. But you are allowed to decide to wait if you think he might scupper your marks - he is not trustworthy and is doing this because he KNOWS its hard for you to report him.

OP there is an option to exclude people from seeing certain Facebook posts if you want him to stop commenting. I used to do this a lot.

If you aren't comfortable reporting him until after the course finishes maybe just be as frosty as possible, ignore his messages, imply you have a boyfriend etc. then report him once the course is over. But yeah what an absolute creep.

You must report him - he will be in breach on contract. I was a tutor and we couldn’t even give a student a lift home in a thunderstorm let alone get sexually coersive or Facebook stalking. Adult learning is also where a lot of people upskill who may not be as confident as you are get prayed on by this chancer. Please report this to the centre ASAP.

Please excuse the appalling grammar and spelling mistakes as my phone seems to delight in changing correct words into incorrect ones

He will be replaced immediately. Your course won't be affected.

How can you possibly know that?

I don’t think he would get replaced immediately - it’s not OU, it’s a training company and they are usually a shambles

Or I would have to carry on with him/drop out if he stayed

I am just so annoyed because I want us all to just finish this. If it ends up adding another 6 months into our study that would be shit too!

Yeah I have evidence of it all

How long until you are finished your course?

I don’t have the main sexual ones because I deleted them - gross and cringe and I wouldn’t want to actually show them to anyone!

These are from when I asked him to stop. I worry I wasn’t forceful enough and now he seems to think we are friends

This was more recent

A few months. I have been working really hard and the exam is around October/November

Euwww proper creepy! I’d report him

After the exam

He is creepy no doubt, but I think that as it is just a few months, I´d continue ignoring him as you are, finish your course and then make the complaint.

What does he mean, you'd be camouflaged?

He shouldn't be texting you like that anyway. It's one thing to text to rearrange a tutorial or something, but he shouldn't be chatting away as though you're friends, when he's in a position of authority over you.

Bleurgh.

What a slimeball.

Did he really send you photo of his bedding? 🤮

Block him on all social media and don't engage in person. Wait to report him if you prefer, but DO report him.

Yes, he sounds like an utter knob who can't (or won't) take a hint. Seems to be surprisingly common.

He is gross and creepy.

You worry that you haven't told him 'no' forcefully enough - I would bet that he knows he is being inappropriate and making you uncomfortable but is hiding behind the idea that since you haven't directly told him "I don't want to talk to you" he can pretend he "misread signals" or "is just being friendly".

If you are considering reporting it, it would be very useful for your case to have a very clear, unambiguous example of you telling him to stop. If he stops = yahtzee! Problem solved. If he ignores that or gets wounded/shirty/angry then you will be in a strong position to report him.

Send him a message that says "Look, I don't feel comfortable with you sending me messages or having contact with me outside of lessons/unrelated to the course. I think it's a bit inappropriate, since you are my tutor and everything. I'm sure you agree - see you in class next week/whenever"

Then don't respond to anything he sends, but do take screenshots and document anything he says to you in class. Ask if you can record the sessions if you think that would be OK - pretend you want to write up notes later or something.

My guess is that he will respond with a mixture of bafflement and denial ("Wait, you think that there's something....sexual....somehow about me messaging a student to say what she would look like lying on my bed?? That's so sad you would think that. And, I'm sorry to say, a little immature of you. I'm disappointed" etc) and go on about how sad he will be to not have your chats, how he was just "being friendly" and you have taken it all the wrong way, blah blah, blame you, etc.

Ignore him. Send that last message, then don't respond to ANY further ones, even if he sends one that seems like a crisis about your course or something to do with your work, unless it comes through proper channels.

In class, be brisk, cheerful and professional - and if he starts to make things weird for you, tell your classmates (you might want to tell them anyway) so they can witness any retaliatory behavoiur and corroborate it.

It sucks you have to do all this because a creepy guy is using his power to harrass you, OP. None of this is your fault - this is 100% not OK.

It is just so gross it makes my skin crawl now

Thanks for suggestions I’m going to consider next best step!

I also confided in one of my fellow students

The other worst part is - he convinced all of us to write him glowing amazing statements about him so he didn’t lose his job a few months ago. He said it was a restructure. I felt awkward about doing it because he was so directive about what we should say. I wrote a not very glowing but just factual account of the course was going ok but didn’t mention what I thought of him and now I am sure he thinks he has his arse covered by getting us to write that - that I would look like a liar

I agree with everything that SendintheArdwolves said.

This man is a dangerous, manipulative arsehole who gets off on making women uncomfortable by sexually harassing them. He knows perfectly well that you want him to stop. He doesn't stop because he enjoys making you feel a bit humiliated. Men like him thrive on secrecy and plausible deniability.

You have to decide for yourself whether you report him. But don't blame yourself for his refusal to get the message - he's got the message and he knows exactly what he's doing.

Good luck.

Report him now.

To say he would definitely be replaced would suggest a total lack of understanding of how companies work.

It’s difficult, any complaint is going to make things very awkward, and possibly cause you a lot of trouble.
Are you training off your own back or through a company?
I’ve seen things like this several times turned around to make the victim guilty/shamed. I’ve seen both male and female bosses do it.

Hate to say it but, probably best to put up with it if you can, it’s not right though.

It’s being paid for by my employer. My employer would take it really seriously as they really look after employees. Just the fall out from it would be such a shame for us all, more delays etc. We all just want to get to the end! I asked my classmate if he had texted her at all and she said no. I wish ignoring someone worked! I am 100% reporting him once this exam is done without a doubt but I’m worried he’s manipulated me into a position where I had a chance to say something and didn’t and will look stupid.