Annoying guy doesn’t seem to get the message

[PookieDo]

Guy is my tutor as I am adult learning which is why he has my contact details. Now he’s started following me on social media where I post arty type photos, and I am annoyed and awkward about it because I feel like right now he isn’t doing anything terrible, just being irritating. He likes all my photos and I don’t really want to have to go private just to get away from him (it’s not a private account... it’s not photos of myself but he knows it’s me and think he found it via my phone number?). Last week he sent me a DM about a photo I posted which I ignored. Last month he sent me a message about something I was wearing at a tutorial.

I have told him multiple times i am not interested, so now I am just ignoring him unless it’s course related. He was outrageously sexual with me when he thought I might be interested but I put a stop to that and now it’s just multiple attempts at being friendly. So nothing that bad.... am I over reacting?

I do not want to report him because I am getting close to the end of course and really just need to get through the exam - and I am concerned that if he got thrown off this course as tutor it would really affect mine and my fellow students progress and be a complete mess. We had a rocky start with tutors and just want to finish. I also do worry he’s going to pass my work because he thinks I will shag him

In summary, annoying guy seems to have no self awareness and is pissing off woman trying to learn something.

I am considering reporting him once I have passed the exam. Is this cowardly?

Right I am back here with this issue! I have had to report him to my employer. Unfortunately it does not seem he has got the message yet that I am refusing to be taught by him. I was so embarrassed reporting it to work because I had to explain the nature of the issue and became really anxious that I have led him on in any way. HAVE I LED THIS MAN ON?

Timeline since early 2018:
-Met tutor. Group all get friendly which I assume is normal. People talk about their lives/jobs/families/kids don’t they? I was nice and we did mess about a bit being silly/funny. He seemed pretty laid back but I don’t fancy him
-He starts sending texts to work phone, friendly and course related then flirty. I ask him to stop because it is my work phone

• he starts texting me on my personal number which is on my records. I tell him that nothing can happen between us because it’s inappropriate. He says he hopes it can when the course ends. I do not respond or encourage this
• it stops for a while
• I have not seen him alone but after a group session he sends me texts of his bed as in other posts. I ignore him
• he follows me on social media and makes comments which I ignore (now blocked)
• he sees me again very recently in a group. Professional in front of everyone. I leave immediately when session is over and move to another room and close the door
• he sends me more texts of a sexual nature after this session (while I am in room opposite with door closed) , saying I looked very sexy in what I was wearing, he has a big penis and good with it, wants to hurry me through the course ‘wink wink’ lets go for a drink as we are friends and can ‘help each other through tough times’
• I demand that he stops texting me, I don’t like it, I have a boyfriend now (I don’t but I told him I do) NO MEANS NO and he immediately responds that my boyfriend is just a fuck buddy and I should just cheat but he is sorry for upsetting me
• I block him and tell my boss and my employer who says they will get me moved/address it
• he continues to email me asking me generic questions (repeatedly) about the course in what I think is attempt to engage me

However I seem to remove him or block him he will find a new method of contact as I can’t block work emails. It’s like he’s made of Teflon. How can you be so oblivious to someone not being interested!!!!

What bothers me is him easily finding out my address via my paperwork

I am very tired of this and angry now. Partly as I feel so objectified. All he wants is sex out of me. He doesn’t seem to care about my job, his job, the course, my fucking personality, my feelings, my emotions. How do horrible men like this get through life without ever waking up to what a fucking creep they are

I think they do know, they just don’t care You’ve done all the right things as far as I can see, you were clear you were never interested and have done nothing wrong, you certainly haven’t led him on.

So what’s actually happening now? What are your employers doing now you’ve reported it? If he’s still contacting you would you consider also reporting to the police? They may only warn him at this stage but if that doesn’t work and he persists or escalates at least it will already be on record. What’s happening with your course, are you still attending?

Thanks. It’s making me doubt myself. He honestly seems to think that the reason I am not naked with him right now (despite numerous invites and requests - oh and it’s ok if my kids are home if he popped round, he would shag me quietly) are that I’m his pupil and once he speeds me through the course I will be all his!

I said I refused to be taught by him anymore. They said leave it with them they would deal with it. I have not had a response. I am not turning up to the next tutorial in 3 weeks. They will have to find me something or someone else as they have paid for it already

Do not blame yourself! You have done nothing wrong! These people are clever, they manipulate you to make you doubt yourself.

just the fact that he has used your contact details which were provided for a professional reason in a personal/ non professional way is a sackable offence- would be in my job anyway

Next time he contacts you, you could say something along the lines of: 'I have asked you numerous times not to contact me. I am not interested in having a relationship with you now or ever. You are harassing me. If you continue to contact me I will call the police.'

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing handing it over to your employer to sort, none of this is your doing and it shouldn’t be down to you to deal with it. You’re doubting yourself because his behaviour is alien to you and so wrong and creepy you can’t make sense of it so you feel like it must, somehow, be you. It’s categorically not you, he is deluded.

I would be asking your employer what they can do to safeguard your personal information from him. Any sign whatsoever of him contacting you at home and I think you have to involve the police, then you can look at options such as restraining/non molestation orders etc. Let’s hope it doesn’t get that far of course but it’s good to have a plan.

Don’t let anyone play this down or imply you’re at fault though, you were clear early on that you weren’t interested, everything since then is in his head. Don’t be afraid to point out that you should only need to say no once, pursuing you after that point puts him firmly in the wrong and constitutes harassment.

I know deep down it’s not me. He’s not a very nice person. He’s got a really bitchy side to him that comes out accidentally sometimes - from day 1 of him trying to chat me up I thought NOPE immediately as he’s really vain, self obsessive, an over thinker and clearly lets his imagination run wild, I don’t think this is his first rodeo and probably being a tutor has been a sexy turn on for younger more oblivious/vulnerable women and he fancies himself a bit. He tells us personal things that Do Not make him look good, he tells us he doesn’t bother ever doing any work but gets paid loads and works on the side as he’s in loads of debt. He told me after I had only met him a couple of times that his last girlfriend was shit in bed. I looked at his social media when he followed me he seems to have no actual friends and it’s photo after photo of himself doing various mundane every day things with a very self satisfying smile on his face. I think he’s vain and shallow and doesn’t give a shit about anyone and I worry he has a nasty side and I really don’t want to see it...

He sounds creepy & vile. And potentially dangerous.

This is harassment. The Police would probably be interested. Maybe ring 101 & run it past them.

I was thinking the same as @KeiTeNgeNge

The next woman he tries his crap with might struggle to be as assertive as you (as in making it crystal clear you're not interested)

Please report him, the fact you said he was outrageously sexual towards you to begin with is hugely inappropriate and unprofessional. What a creepy bastard

Police. This is harassment. I reported someone to the police who was harassing me and they gave him a caution saying he would be arrested if he contacted me again. They took it very seriously, when my employers didn't (some of the harassment took place at work, although he's not a colleague).

I’m worried about triggering him into something worse if that makes sense. I’m just trying to disengage myself quietly. I worry the police would be a big statement to him and could make it worse for me? I don’t know what to do. My friend said the same as you, what if he is dangerous

The first time round with the sexual things I put down to bad judgement. He was kind of doing a whole ‘life is tough on your own, isn’t it?’ Empathy Thing (we both single parents) after asking me far too many questions which felt awkward and it led to him reassuring me that it was ok, he’s not like all the other guys I’ve had before (he assumes), he likes giving women oral sex and would show me a jolly good time. I was very 😳 and responded with the text on page 1 that I am not interested in that and it was purely professional

Ergh, he sounds utterly vile, you on the other hand sound wise and astute, your instincts are good so stop doubting them. You’re in a tricky spot atm, you could talk it over with the police but I’m not sure there’s quite enough there for them to act on as it stands. The ball is in his court really, if he escalates even slightly you can and should go straight to the police so it’s down to whether he backs off once your employer has taken the necessary action.

There is no way anyone you reported this to would think its normal. Its absolutely so off the wall l don't know where to start. I do adult tutition and my only texts are to make arrangements in a pure business like manner. I'm glad you have gone to your employer. You are not responsible for this. There are clear guidelines for tutors and how they should behave and he is way off the mark. That is him..not you.
I hope he gets well and truly wiped off any list of tutors forever.

he is stalking you. I think you need to report to the police as well.

Please do. Report everything that has happened up to this point and log any future incidents with them too.

It's possible that he has done this to someone else or will do so in the future.

If incidents are reported to police, even if nothing happens after that, then a picture can be built up in the future, should anyone need to take it forward.

OP I worked in further education /higher education for many years and unfortunately there are some tutors/lecturers who think their workplace is their personal playground. There are policies and procedures to deal with this behaviour for this reason

www.suzylamplugh.org/

I just wanted to come in here and say I am a tutor, I teach adult learners like yourself in a college.

I would be immediately suspended for a similar accusation pending an investigation. With the evidence you clearly have, I would undoubtedly be fired and struggle to find work again. He knows, as a tutor, that he has gone above and beyond normal contact with a student. We are advised to not even have social media if possible but that if we do, to change our names on there or at least lock it down so it is as private as possible. We are only allowed to engage with FORMER students on social media so he has broke a code already with that alone.

You have done nothing wrong, he is a creep. I’d be surprised if this is the first time he has done this, maybe other women have experienced the same but been too afraid to speak out. I’m so glad you have found that courage and I sincerely hope he is now suspended and this comes to an end. I would honestly be considering going to the police. It doesn’t take long to make a statement and it could further prevent him from doing this to others in the future. Sorry this has happened to you .

Definitely report. If he has your contact details, he will know your address and that is what I would be worried about! He could be doing it to other women on the course too.

I wasn’t sure of how strict the rules were around adult tutors so thanks

This is the type of thing he has sent and my reply in green (re my fake boyfriend! )

He’s now blocked obviously

He’s so fucking deluded

I've literally read this entire thread with my mouth wide open.
First off well done OP for telling work. He's a massive creep. As PP have already mentioned, calling 101 wouldn't hurt either.
The issue is with things like this we always feel at some point that we've done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong and you certainly haven't led him on. He's probably that deluded that he thinks he's bloody invincible, which he isn't! Keep talking here and if he does manage to contact you again I'd seriously think about going to the police with it. He's already shown signs of stalking just by accessing your info so he can text/ whatsapp you and also contact you on Facebook.

Well done on your last message to him!

That was extremely clear and says it exactly how it is, you have tried to be polite, and said no in many ways nicely and politely that any other person would have taken as a clear no even if this vile man has taken advantage of your unwillingness to ‘be rude’ and he’s pretended to fail to understand what you’ve meant.

But for another time, although of course I hope there never is another time, saying a firm no! isn’t actually rude. Men do it all the time. Women have been brought up not to say it and it puts them at a horrible disadvantage that scumbags like this latch onto. So, say a clear NO!!! And be proud of it.

As for this vile man. The way he’s twisted and turned and deliberated pretended to ‘misunderstand’ your messages makes me feel sick, and it’s not even directed at me! It’s not possible it’s all an innocent mistake, so don’t worry on that score, he’s chasing and I get the feeling of a hunter to be honest, which is why it’s so vile.

A hunter who’s not interested in your no’s or your kind excuses and your attempts to bat him off, because he’s hunting you down and cutting off your attempts to get away one by one. And the way he takes something nice and clean and above board like a new boyfriend, and turns it straight away into something sordid and dirty and foul, about someone taking advantage of you and only wanting you as a ‘hole’. I mean... that’s disgusting!!! That language shows how he thinks about women. And it’s foul. It makes me shudder.

And although I don’t like the idea in general of men fighting it out for ownership over women, I heartily wish there was a huge pissed off boyfriend coming for him to wipe that kind of language right off his vile mouth!

Omg op. He needs to be reported please please please listen to everyone's advice. He is in a position of authority and he is harassing you. He needs to be sacked and realise that he is not as an entitled twat as he thinks he is.

So do I! I am tempted to ask a friend to do the honours for me! But that won’t help and I shouldn’t have made up a fake bloke I was just trying to say NO.

That’s what I hate the most. He sees me as a hole it’s pretty obvious. I have a much busier life than him and I think he is bored and lonely and is hunting me for something to do

Ugh what a nasty creep

How close to the exam are you? do you have all the course materials? Could you sack the tutor (any tutor) bit off and study at home/work for the exam?

I’m going to speak to Work today and 101

I think he has to enter me into the exam and then coach us through it. I don’t have enough of my own material to close off all the units, take exam and then have to be assessed on my coursework.