Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Cafcass are wonderful, they'll speak to nursery, your family, the doctors, every one they can to get the full picture. The first hearing is usually just a plan of action if any needs to be under taken i.e my SIL's ex was indirect contact only whilst cafcass investigated

I'm so hoping cafcass are alright. My mum, my best friend, one of the mums from Nursery are all happy to speak on my behalf, my doctor is happy to write a report and/or speak about me in court or on the phone -will it matter that I've asked her to not mention two things? They don't affect my parenting, and happened before ExH and I got together so he's unaware of them, but I don't really want them bringing up as I was teenager (Nothing serious, I had Glandular Fever for 18 months and was bed bound at one point with it which is on my records, I was 17/18 when it happened and didn't get with ExH until a year later and the other thing is I have a caution on my police record from before I was 16 - I stole some sweets from a shop aged 13/14 as I was out of pocket money, got caught and got the caution. It's never stopped me being employed so it doesn't reflect my character now, will court run a DBS or anything? It appeared on my university CRB but they let it slide as they said anything that happens before 16 as long as it's not serious can be put down to errors of judgement) Dr said she doesn't need to say those things and it shouldn't be brought up in court, but it's worrying me a bit. Nursery have also said that they're happy to write a statement/have a phone conversation with cafcass.

I have a support network, I can prove that. I can show on my bank statements and on my mums (as she sometimes pays) that I take DD swimming and to soft play, I have photos of her at various soft play places.

I'm a bit more confident today that Mini is going nowhere. I can't see how indirect contact would work as he never replies to my emails unless he asks to see her, but I am happy to keep sending them anyway, he is her dad and he is entitled to that information about her.

I don't see what relevance having glandular fever when you were a teen has on this situation, whether they get told about it or not. Why would it be relevant? I don't understand your thinking on that.

I do understand why you'd be worried about your caution, but it won't make any difference. You were a minor at the time, and there are plenty of families with a parent who has a criminal record, much worse, yet they don't have their children taken from them because of it.

Because I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was a teen so worried they might say “well she spent x amount of months in bed then so that might happen again”

well she spent x amount of months in bed then so that might happen again

Well your DH tried to kill you so that might happen again.
Well there were queries about how safe your DD was with your DH so that might happen again.

Can you see how that goes both ways?

If the worst things you think they might use against you are that you had glandular fever as a child and that you were anxious after your DH attacked you - then that's nothing. There is a trail of abuse from your DH towards you and neglect towards your DD.

If the worst things you think they might use against you are that you had glandular fever as a child and that you were anxious after your DH attacked you - then that's nothing.

When you put it like that it makes logical sense, I know I'm overthinking everything, probably as a result of him - he made me think I'm a bad mother so I constantly look for the evidence that I am. Despite being told by several people (including the MD of the Nursery in front of the Social Worker a few weeks ago) that I am a good mother.

Have you been offered anything like victim support? My nspcc worker said that what they look for with caffcass isnt evidence that you have mental health problems but evidence that you've recongised you've got them and are being treated for them so you're SW was talking a load of codswollop

I have a women’s Aid Support Worker but I’ve not had contact with her for awhile. I was supposed to do Freedom Programme but they lost the funding for it so it didn’t go ahead. Victim Support discharged me a week after this happened as they felt WA were better placed to help me.

Doctor won’t refer me anywhere as she doesn’t think I need it

I also have the help of GDDUK for DDs GDD, they have meetups although less of them in the winter months as they try and go to places that are public and cheap which are less places in autumn/winter. But I also have access to a Facebook page which I can rant, ask for advice or just chat on at any time to people all over the country with children with GDD. This is actual a sub-group of a bigger charity, but that shouldn't matter?

I also am in contact with IPSEA to get some advice on how to proceed with schools and EHCPs, they've been very helpful and listening to me.

I see my Depression/Anxiety as part of me, almost a seperate personality. It doesn't work for everyone, as everyone is different, but if I treat it as something that needs both indulging occasionally and ignoring. So it's ok to indulge in a lazy/pyjama day occasionally if I need it as long as most of the time I'm living up to my responsibilities and not letting that aspect of me affect my daily life regularly.

there is no arguing with that last paragraph catlady. print it off and hold on to it tight.

I still need to join that group on facebook, I keep forgetting! We're having trouble with DS's ECHP as well, my mother's coming with me to parents evening to sort out school though

Queenofthestress It's a really great group, I haven't posted on it for awhile but when I do you'll probably recognise me as my DDs name is an unusual spelling of a common name plus I've posted her medical problems here.

Is it the one with the rainbow heart around it?

I’m on that one but also on another one which I use more with handprints as the photo

Found it, I was on it before but had to remake my facebook because of DD's sperm donor, I'll keep an eye out for you lol need to ask about DS's school anyway!

Bloody social worker turns up unannounced. DDs asleep, I'm still in my pyjamas nothing revealing just a baggy tshirt and trackies but still I'm not decent

Snap I got a phone call off mine this morning

Feeling pretty aggravated by it, she has no reason to pop by unannounced. The flat was a tip, and I just feel like she was nit picking every little thing about me and my situation - yes it's Monday afternoon, yes I'm still in my pyjamas as is DD, but todays our relax day. We'll pop to the shop later but I'll stick a jumper and coat with socks and shoes on DD, and I'll get dressed. But that's it. We'll watch Peppa Pig, take a few selfies and snooze when we want to. We've been out all weekend, and have plans for Thursday - friend of mine is taking us pumpkin picking with her little girl, then we're going to make pumpkin cake (yum!).

Document it. All your reasons are good, people do have pyjamas days, and it's perfectly OK and normal. You've been busy and are relaxing. Seems like you're well-tuned to dd's needs.

Having rotten luck today. Boilers broke, it's freezing but nothing HA can do until next week as I have an electric fire and an electric oven. Apparently we can camp out in the living room with the electric fire on despite the fact it costs 50p per hour to have it on!I said I have a 3 year old and they don't care, apparently lots of people are in similar positions and manage. Brilliant...

She's under 5 so shouldn't she be a priority house?

Apparently as I have other sources of heating and I am a top floor flat that receives heat from the flat below it doesn't matter that I have a child. Trying to find out if this is true...

I don't have an electric shower, so I have no means of washing me or DD until they fix the heating, I use a shower attachment on the taps.

I give up trying to get through to anyone. Shelter are busy so can;t get through, HA keep fobbing me of with "Well its that time of year, we only have so many gas engineers you are were you are on the list".

I'll argue it tomorrow. I'll ring my solicitor if I need to. I am done with today. DDs having an early night to hopefully be asleep before it gets dark/cold. And if need be I'll do what I rarely do with her and co-sleep in my big double bed.

Well, it's not too cold out, so you should be alright, especially once you're under the bed covers.