Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Been to my doctor this morning.

She is really happy with me, is really pleased I am doing well. Doesn't think I need counselling, and is happy to submit a report on me to the courts stating I am doing loads better and I look a lot better than I did.

She's said she can tell I'm not suicidal and doesn't think I pose a risk to Mini (who was happily running around the room laughing at her own reflection definitely my child). She says the way I deal with bad days is perfectly acceptable, and her only advise it to use the Nursery or family members if I need them.

I may have high fived the air on coming out. I feel so good in myself, actually I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Has the social worker said anything else?

She text me asking if the report she'd written was ok, and if she could show it to ExH which confuses me as I'm sure she told me right at the start that we can't keep it from him.

She sounds a bit confused. Did you say she was young? Perhaps she's very new and has lost her way a bit, or got you confused with another client or something?

Not young, older than me, but not as old as my mum (my mums in her 50s).

I think you need to speak to her manager and find out what the hell is going on because this woman seems to be back and forth on what she's saying about his contact access

Now I'm even more confused.

Manager says contact supervised by the SW is "Par of the course of going to court" and SW can insist that the courts let her supervise. Contact will be in a public place, but they can't stop every member of ExHs family turning up and basically doing the caring for DD. Apparently though it's not uncommon when this happens that the dad does all the caring just to make himself look better. I know up to noiw Ex-MIL has done all the nappy changes and other caring as DD says so "grandma change nappy".

She doesn't know what's going on with the report because it's not the departments policy to keep a person with PR from information about their child.

I don't think they believe me. The report talks about speaking to my doctor, and my WA worker but not ExHs doctor or whereever he went for his apparent counselling, it talks about me being overanxious and obstructive of contact but how much ExH cares about DD - not mention of the fact there's been over 20 appointments since we split and he's not done a single one, no mention of the fact he's never spoken to the Nursery about DD.

They're trying to prove she's unsafe with me aren't they? Even with my doctors backing I'm going to lose her to a man that in the blink of an eye can go from being fine and happy to angry and violent.

Why is this allowed?

Can you ask for them to gat reports from his doctor and his counsellor (and anyone else?).

If it's "par for the course" then you probably should allow it, as looking obstructive is not good. I'm afraid I don't know much about the process, but I think that all the reports which show his violence towards you will be submitted to the Court, and judges aren't stupid (they are bound by the law though).

I don't think his not doing appointments or speaking to nursery are of account though, as long as you are keeping him informed. It's unfair that the onus is on you, but that's the way it is atm.

I don't think they are trying to take her away from you. When they talk about you being over-anxious, for instance, what do they say about it? Does your doctor's report refute it?

No, no you will not. Caffcass is a completely different ball park to social services, they've seen this type of stuff over and over. They won't mention speaking to his doctors or counselling because that's to do with him, just like they won't speak to him about you. Cafcass is the one that will focus on if he's attended appointments, spoken to nursery, that kind of thing. You need a shit hot lawyer though

They say I’m over anxious and let that stop DD from doing things - it never does stop me doing anything, she goes to Nursery even on my worst days, in the last few weeks she’s had 2 play dates and been to 2 different soft plays and I was chatting to the staff and the mums of other children she stuck up a friendship with. SW insists I need counselling, my doctor says there’s no point as although I’m still having anxiety attacks and moments where I feel scared it’s not stopping me doing anything and she’s met Mini and says she’s happy and healthy. I never not feed Mini due to my depression admittedly I might get us a McDonald’s or something if we’re out at an appointment but she’s never had a takeaway and I do now have enough meals in my freezer that if I’m not feeling up to cooking I can take one out and give DD that (usually stuff that can be done from frozen like lasagne or pie or something). Report says I justify myself a lot to both the Nursery and SS, but I feel like I have to because they’re judging my parenting.

I’m already one step behind ExH as he’s lied on the court forms saying that DD has never been subject to domestic violence or abuse - social worker has seen forms and hasn’t even commented that he’s not said she’s witnessed this so I know they don’t believe me.

So your doctor's report does refute the SW claims - that's great.

Keep a note of things. Keep notes each time she has a playdate, each tine you go out for the day etc. They will prove that you're not stopping dd from doing normal th8ngs. Oh, and a MacDonald's really isn't a problem, especially within the context of 'proper' food. Honestly, we've all given our children Happy Meals (probably even the judge)!

But do find a SHL as Queen says.

My doctor is happy to write a report for the court, she said I'm doing really well. Not only do I sound better in myself - more upbeat and happier (her words not mine), but she's also says I look better. She's seen me 4 times since the split, and the first time was a week after he attacked me and I couldn't string a sentence together due to being so upset and anxious, we had a lovely conversation on Saturday about Drs son starting University. She also says I have colour in my cheeks now, and my whole demeanor is more upbeat and healthy. She says I'm not going to be happy and ok every single and she'd be worried about anyone who was let alone someone whose been through what I've been through (again she said this not me) but she said the way I feal with bad days and the way I parent DD proves that actually I'm ok most of the time, and I am no risk. She did the paper score thing that they do for MH issues (not sure if it's just my surgery or a universal thing), on my very first one I scored -1 which means I was a risk this time i scored 15/20 which means i'm classed as stable. I'm not suicidal but the SW keeps saying just because I'm not doesn't mean I'm "ok" but actually I feel ok.

Seeing a solicitor tomorrow, she comes highly recommended for cases like mine, got her card from a woman at my mums work who used her to regain custody of her son in similar circumstances.

*every single minute
**deal with bad days

CatLady I have followed your threads from the beginning and you are still the most awesome person I have ever read about. I have no experience in any of what you are going through but one thing stood out:
When you said they say you are overanxious and "stop your DD doing things", please ask them to be specific and state exactly what they mean - if they say you "never take her out", you already have specific days where you can evidence that they are incorrect. Do this with everything they say and write the answer down (if you can).

If I had a magic wand I would send it straight to you - I don't know anyone who deserves one more.

x

Catlady, you couldn't ask for a better endorsement than what your doctor has said, really people would pay good money to have a doctor say that about them!

I think with the sort of reports you will have from the doctor and the nursery that you really don't need to worry too much. And great news about the lawyer - very best of luck there tomorrow.

I feel like they're looking for a reason to say "he's not a risk". If I say yes basically they've found their reason, it goes to court and I lose her for being overanxious or so it appears.

If I say no I'm obstructive and that also goes against me in court. I can't win. They've got me in a catch 22, basically to prove my mental health isn't good to remove her from me and give her to him.

I think I need to accept that he's manipulated everyone to make it seem like I'm the liar, and although I have evidence he's some how got everyone thinking he's the "poor dad who doesn't get contact" won't help that Ex-MIL told me what he did wasn't that bad and I need to stop being a drama queen.

I will still see my solicitor tomorrow but I'm not hopeful we'll win. I think i need to accept that this is the last time DD will live with me and ensure it's the best time possible - we did a leaf hunt on the way home as they're making pictures at Nursery tomorrow, even found a conker which she was excited to show off to them all. And we found a feather in my cousins favourite colours - my cousin died in 2014 and was my best friend.

Well you take that feather as a good omen - a sign from your cousin. I bet you will feel better when you have seen your solicitor.

He can't get away from the fact that he was violent - and this is documented - and he has lied about it.

I’m guessing they’re just trying to work out if he can see her, not that they’re taking her away. They are trying to see if your being obstructive re contact justifiably...or if your mental health is blowing things out of proportion.

How did the solicitor meeting go?

Solicitor is hopeful we can get supervised only access but because he's asked for full custody with no visitation for me I can't do anything like apply for schools as they could still switch custody to him. She doesn't legally have to go until September 2020 as she's not 5 until June 2020 but I wanted to start the process particularly as she may need an EHCP but I've been told to hang fire until after the preliminary hearing.

He's got what he wanted anyway, to mess me around. She may end up with a delayed start to school, which means I can't work or anything until we know.

I’m still as worried as I was before I saw her. She says she’s hopeful and thinks we’ve got enough evidence plus the fact he’s lied but you just never know and it can depend on the Cafcass guardian/judge as much as anything.

Also panicking a bit as DD has been saying she wants to live with her dad since her last contact . I don’t know what to say to her to make it better

Thought I'd already replied oops!
Whens the court date?

1st November, got cafcass interview the week before that and seeing solicitor again on 29th October to finalise everything for the first hearing.