Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

She’s on his side anyway. I never expected it.

She’s told me he cares about her despite him not coming to a single appointment, never contacting the Nursery and only replying to my emails when he wants her for contact.

She says it’s not unreasonable of him to never go to appointments as I’m going and she says it’s ok for him to expect me to contact him after them and not the other way round.

She says I’ve been obstructing contact and I’ve been pushing him out, despite him having contact with her every time he’s asked.

Apparently he’s a good dad whose just been in unfortunate circumstances that mean he’s harmed me and DD. He’s told SW he never hurt DD and as I wasn’t actually there for one incident I can’t be witness to it and the other incident can’t be used in court as it wasn’t documented.

Apparently his parents who’ve bullied me and threatened me and my mum are just hard done by grandparents who just want to see her.

I’m going to lose this I think, I might as well hand her over to him now. I ain’t watching him kill her.

I'll admit i don't know a lot about court but I don't think they can stop you discussing ongoing issues with your Social Worker?????
Especially seeing as you haven't actually been to court yet

You need to see a solicitor - or at least CAB - but a solicitor is better. Don't give up on her OP. Contact Women's Aid and ask their advice at the very least.

Find a good family solicitor. It's really strange that it should say you can't talk to your SW about it, how can she do her job properly if you can't? It's bonkers. Are they real Court papers?

Have a word with a solicitor and find out what that's about, and what your other options are.

Please don't hand dd over to him.

Definitely real papers as they name a solicitors firm nearby and also a date for a premilimary hearing.

Phoned the solicitor but apparently because he has legal aid I am going to have to pay the fees myself.

I can't afford this.

He's won. I was doing so well, but he's won.

That doesn't make sense to me. Call Women's Aid.

Hi Catlady, I don't really have any advice but don't give up, he hasn't won. TheFormidableMrsC helped you before, I would message her, see if she can provide any guidance

Phone Women's Aid tomorrow - or even tonight.

I have heard (on these boards - don't pretend to be an expert) that you can get legal aid if there has been violence - and he has been violent towards you, despite the fact he is denying it, and you contacted the police, so there is evidence. CatLady please don't just lie down and give up. Phone Women's Aid.

I contacted the NCDV they gave me advice before but I never used them, but they seemed really keen to help and will ring my Womens Aid Support Worker tomorrow.

Please do - I can't believe that anyone would take a happy toddler from her loving full time resident parent and hand her over to someone who isn't her full time carer - even if there had been no violence (which there has been).

Find it hard to believe that you can't involve your SW either (although you feel she is on his side so maybe it's just as well).

If it weren't so stressful for you I would welcome a day in court where a judge told him where to get off. Anyway, talking to WA is the best way to go because not many of us on here are experts (I'm certainly not).

I can't believe that anyone would take a happy toddler from her loving full time resident parent

At the moment I wouldn't put it past them. ExH has basicaly slated my mental health, lied on the forms and is saying I am emotionally unstable and unable to care for DD. SW is saying I'm obstructive and I have no seeked help for my mental health - I have, I'm on Antidepressants, I have made friends with a couple of other single mothers, I have the contact numbers for 2 of the parents from Nursery and I also regularly attend meetings with my WA support worker although I admit I've missed two appointments but one was just after Mini's operation and she was too ill for Nursery but I forgot to cancel it. I've said I don't want counselling a) because I absolutely feel fine in myself, I'm not suicidal, I'm not down, I in fact feel the best I've ever felt and b) because I don't know how I'd fit it in with Mini's medical appointments and as I said I feel fine in myself. I will admit I have bad days, I'm not perfect but I have never not done things I've had to do for DD - she gets to all her appointments even if I have to say "I don't have a car so can we have it at X hospital instead as I can get there on the bus/train/foot". I have not said I will never have counselling in the future I've said no right now. But the SW is saying I'm not helping myself and I'm not as fine as I say I am - I honestly am, if I wasn't I'd completely shut down, I wouldn't be having a playdate with my friend for DD and her DD tomorrow, I wouldn't be heading to the shops after dropping DD at Nursery.

I admit home conditions haven't always been perfect but they are a hell of a lot better and nobody seems to recognise that actually they were bad before we split up and ExH is just as much to blame as me. Everyone is saying it's me that's the problem, yet here I am holding it all together and yet everyone's pointing the finger and making ExH is the poor scorned Ex cut out of his childs life.

But I will fight for her. And I know if I lose her at least I tried. He'll poison her against me and I'll never see her again, but at least I'll have tried.

Sorry for the rant.

And by bad days I mean, I have days where I drop Mini at Nursery (you know where she's safe, happy, settled, loved and I have trouble getting her home from at the end the day so you know hardly a bad thing) and I get home sleep for a few hours, tackle a bit of housework then go for a walk along the canal, not with the intention of hurting myself, but because I can find a bench to sit on and I sit and watch the boats and the ducks and the wind rustling the trees - I find this relaxing. And I think a day "away from it all" like this occasionally (even once a week) is far better for my mental health than anything a counsellor can say. I live in a beautiful little town, and I do enjoy looking at it sometimes.

Sorry your going through this, and it explains why he was so good with minicat at the weekend. He knew he was about to drop this bomb shell on you.

And as for your SW unfortunately I think you now need to be very careful what you tell her, because for some reason she is no longer fully supporting you and more importantly Mini cat.

I don't understand how she can do a 180 degree turn in her view of what happening with you.

I give up!

NCDV are saying they can’t help me as he’s applied to them and proved I abused him and it’s a clash of interest.

Civil Legal Advice say I’m too far from them for them to help me.

CAB are only open one day a month and I only have 3 weeks to fill the forms in for court so not sure I’ll have enough time to go to CAB.

I’m struggling here that he’s basically proved I abused him. Maybe I did, I don’t know. Maybe I just have to accept that I’m not the best person for Mini.

What have Women's Aid said?

I’ve called and left a message for my support worker

I've found a solicitor!

Appointment is next week. She does take legal aid but only in certain circumstances but my mum's going to get a loan for me if needs be to pay for it or her workplace might pay. I need to pay £100 up front to start with, but I've been told she's one of the best in the business for this sort of thing.

I have an amazing family, I know I do!

CatLady I have nothing useful to add, no helpful advice to give. But I am in awe of you - after everything your horrible Ex is putting you through, your SW letting you down - everything! You are still upright, still fighting.

Your daughter is so very lucky to have a) such a wonderful mum and b) to have such an amazing role model

That's good news!

I’ve just written a list of everything that’s happened since we split that I have evidence for. My god, I didn’t realise he’d dig himself such a big hole. I didn’t believe he’d not get no contact but writing all down I’m beginning to wonder if a year or two of no contact would be better for him to get himself sorted out.

Social Worker is now saying that I have to let DD go with her to a supervised contact visit with ExH so she can complete an assessment on him. She won't tell me when it'll be and is expecting me to provide nappies, wipes, spare clothes and a snack for her as well as her carseat.

Does anyone know whether I have to let her go? Or can I wait for Cafcass and make them do it in a contact centre?

I'm not comfortable with no knowing where she is and how long she'll be away from me especially as SW has suddenly changed sides, I'm worried I won't get DD back after he's gone for Full Custody.

I'd speak to her manager, and explain that your SW worker has totally change her thinking towards your EX, and is now suggesting that she takes Minicat to see him but won't tell you when or where they are going, and you are no comfortable with this.

Ask her to explain to you why this is happening, why all the the cloak and dagger about SW taking Minicat, and as her mother and the one who has been caring for her would you allow your child to be taken somewhere with out knowing where.

Because let face it even it was you mum she would tell you where they were going.

I assume I can say no, which I think I will.

If they need to see ExH with Mini then the courts/cafcass can ask for that and I will work with them. I'm not going to be giving in to his demands 4 weeks before we go to court about the issue anyway.

If the SW is already saying you are obstructive in letting Ex see Mini then saying no now when they would be supervised by a professional would be giving them evidence. They may get positive evidence of Ex caring for Mini if you say yes but this will be less powerful than the negative evidence of you refusing.