Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Find it funny. They did!

I want to meet her, she sounds do entertaining (and with cool fashion sense!). As I never shall I will continue to enjoy your tales of the life of Mini.

Yep, definitely funny, not embarrassing!

Most anxiety inducing part of the week

Social Worker is still pushing for us to communicate directly, I am going to ask my Solicitor why she's pushing for that as I don't understand.

And SW is saying that option 2 above won't work. And neither will option 1 as he has to have weekly contact. She's suggesting he has her all weekend every weekend, that's not fair to me, when do I get a weekend with her? Why do I have to make all the compromises? And when are my family who work full time expected to see her?

I don't think every weekend is in her best interests anyway, as the way they've explained it I'd get no maintenance as he'd have 6 in 14 nights, so the courts could deem it 50/50 and cut my maintenance. I can barely manage with it.

This is about money isn't it? If it was about anything else he'd be able to put Mini first and realise his variable shifts, his temper and his selfish ways are incompatible with her routine. He just doesn't want to bloody pay for her, he won't actually see her as he keeps saying it's unfair that his parents don't get to see her so he'd leave her with them. SW has said they'll likely let him have unsupervised contact as well.

I don't feel like any of my concerns about him have been listened to. He has no proper room for her, two huge dogs which are taller than her (she's on the 2nd percentile for height so is smaller than average) and could not only knock her over but are quite boisterous and could easily get over excited and nip her - not viciously or in malice but just because that's what they do.

No-one cares what's best for Mini do they? It's all about him and how he can stop "paying my bills" as he put it.

If the roles were reversed and it was me who had to have contact with her then I couldn't see him struggle for money as that would directly affect my child, but he doesn't care about that does he?

For heaven's sake, he only pays £20 a week - how far does he think that goes? If he had her 50/50 it would cost him a lot more - or does he think his parents would pay that. Also, most separated parents that I have heard of (where there hasn't been violence) who don't have 50/50 do one night a week and every other weekend - why does he deserve more for being a nasty twat?

Do remember that the SW was trying to lull him into a false sense of security - are you sure that this isn't part of that?

Do speak to your solicitor. I don't see why you should be forced into contact with a man who has been violent towards you.

And do remember about your catastrophising, you don't sound as bad this time in fact, so whatever you are doing is working.

Stick to your guns with EOW and offer one week night T/W/T that can move to fit in with his shifts. Absolutely you need quality time with DD and once she starts school weekends are the only time for this.

Yes - why should you do all the grunt work in the week and he gets to be Disney Dad at weekends? As you say, when will Mini ever get to see her other grandparent and other members of your family? That's hardly fair on her (or them - or you).

£20 a week doesn't even cover her food for the week as I average a spend of around £50, and only £5 of that is spent on the cat, so I easily spend £25-30 on her.

Then there's Nursery fees which cost £300 a month.

Gas and Electric costs me £20 a week each in winter. Water rates are £20 a month.

That's £530 a month without shoes and clothes, and extras like her swimming lessons. I assume I'd still have all those expenses?

And I also assume he'd be able to put a claim in for the Tax Credits and Child Benefit, if I lost them then I'm screwed as they make up the majority of my income.

I can't work the Social Worker out, sometimes I think she's trying to catch him out other times I feel like she's been manipulated by him and is trying to make me give DD up.

If he gets every weekend so be it. Yes it's not fair and yes it appears no-one believes I was abused (despite a police report and a GPs letter saying I was) but that's life. I'll just have to enjoy the little time I get with her.

It's not what's best for her, being cared for by her grandparents when I am here and able to, but that's life.

My mum will be gutted to never see her as she works Monday-Friday 7am-5pm but she'll have to come in the week and I'll have to give up my time with her then. My granddad's less problematic as I see him in the week anyway.

And when she starts school I'll have to make the most of the school holidays.

Life is what we make it afterall. I will just have to try and find a job but a weekend job will be easier as no-one will want them.

That's all stuff in your favour - it's not appropriate for him to have every weekend when he isn't even there!

You could agree to be flexible on which weekends he has her so that he gets 50% over an 8 week period - how far in advance does get his shift rota? That would be very reasonable.

He used to get it a couple of days ahead, so he'd get it on the Sunday to start the next day (Monday) but he's now saying he only gets it 24 hours in advance. I think he's still trying to control me.

Sorry meant it got a weeks worth on Sunday to start the next day Monday.

There's nothing you can do about that... he can't every weekend in case he has it off!

You can state that he always used to know on a Monday and you are happy to "try" and swap if asked on the Monday

But I can't this is what I'm getting at.

I've always asked for 7 days notice, which is not at all unreasonable, he'd know on a Sunday if he had the following Sunday off. I'm also pretty sure he's lying as I have friends who work with him some in the same department and we're able to organise to meet up a few weeks ahead and they often say "I can't do that as I'm working" so if they've got their rotas he must have.

They're letting him control me and there's nothing I can do. He's exactly the same with maintenance, it's supposed to be paid on 1st of the month but as he has 5 days to pay it he always pays randomly at some point in those 5 days.

CatLady you have been so strong and brave, sorting all this out yourself against what sounds like a monstrous tide of unfairness. But please do read back some of you posts last week when you realised that SW were giving him enough rope to hang himself with. Yes he IS trying to control you still and sounds as though he's drawing the SW in but please please dont give up hoping. You are such an inspiration

I don't know what their game is, why am I still expected to provide everything?

Today I've sent her with spare clothes, pants, socks and shoes. She's come back pumped up on sugar and wet herself because she's had so much squash.

I just don't get it, either they're trying to catch him out, or they're genuinely on his side.

I've been told I'm being unco-operative again, and obstructing contact.

It feels like a persecution of me, I honestly feel like I'm the one whose done wrong.

I don't think it's UR to offer one night a week and EOW but apparently it is, apparently because he wants it he gets it,

What does your solicitor say?

Make sure you document the wetting herself etc as well as you having to provide all her stuff - you wouldn't be doing that if you got no maintenance from him would you?

Haven't spoken to my solicitor, she didn't reply to my last email. I've emailed her again today.

You never know - she may have been in court all day.

I sent my last email last week and she hasn’t replied to that. No reply today either but she works from home on Fridays unless she’s needed in court so should get a reply tomorrow

Remember, the SW wanted to give him enough rope. Are you sure this isn't just more of that?

Take deep breaths, I really can't recommend it enough for calming onself.

I simply don't believe that a Court would remove Mini from you.

If he cannot keep her dry for one short contact/visit, how the hell do they think he will cope with her for he entire weekend?

She wet herself in the car according to the family support worker and then again on my carpet when she got through the door.

How she’s wet herself twice in the space of 20 minutes I don’t know, so I’m wondering if he actually did let her wet herself but I did pack spare clothes if she needed to be changed.

She also had a long nap afterwards but not sure if that was just her processing everything.

She usually has a 45-60 min nap every day, even at Nursery. Today she slept 12.30 - 2.15 and would have gone longer had I not woken her up. She's also been asleep since 6.30pm which is a bit earlier than normal.

It is worth noting these variations from normal behaviour, CatLady. I know it's early days and you would expect her to be more tired with the new routine of contact. Processing new stuff - brain work - is exhausting. There's no surprise that she's preoccupied to the point that she doesn't notice when she needs a wee!

I've got a diary of contact which notes any changes in her behaviour, where I've refused contact and any strange marks, so she came back with 3 scratches on her upper thigh once which worried me so it's noted with a photo. They look like finger scratches tbh, which would make sense as Ex-MIL likes to keep long nails so probably scratched her changing her nappy (as this was pre-court/potty training).