Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

It was Nursery who thought they saw them on Mini earlier this week.

I went to GP and they took a stool sample off me and Mini, and I got us all treated. Cat had her yearly jabs and I asked vet to check her over before I gave the treatment and he said he could find no evidence of them in her system but I should treat her anyway. And the samples from us came back clear so no idea what Nursery saw.

Undigested spaghetti perhaps?

Possibly Zoflora!

This makes perfect sense I think, from my solicitor

"Hi CatLady,
Spoken to (Social Worker) about why they are no longer supervising contact.

They felt that Thursdays contact was set up, it was very obvious that (ExH) had deliberately set up the activities to make him look as good as possible and they were quiet activities to cause as little stress as possible. Which is all well and good but doesn't represent real life and they felt he'd continue to fake the sessions to get unsupervised contact and that could put Mini in danger. They realised within a few minutes that it was all a show and he'd obviously been coached to behave in a certain way*

So they've said they're stepping back. To (ExH) he's being supervised by his mum to you, you are using (Social Worker) and/or (Family Support Worker) as a proxy, they will still collect her and pick her up from contact but they will leave Mini with her dad. They will then park nearby to check (ExH) isn't taking Mini out of the house as the court order says he's not allowed to, they will also be close enough that if he does kick off they could intervene and also record it.

One of the neighbours is also aware of the set up and has agreed to keep an eye out to see if she can hear/see anything that would put Mini in danger."

That makes sense, I can understand what they're doing and why.

*One of his family members has worked closely with SS in the past so would know exactly what they want so could easily coach him.

Makes sense. That's got to be a relief to you, at least in that it makes very clear that SW is definitely not trying to take Mini from you. Quite the opposite, in fact. They want to give him enough rooe and then watch him hang himself. Phew!

Have a happy weekend!

That is the best news you’ve had in some time! They are suspicious of him, and they are trying to gain evidence of risk whilst also having a safety net. You must be feeling relieved.

Have a great weekend!

He's gonna go down in flames!

I lost your thread ages ago and it's been a harrowing read catching up.

It is great news that SW is very suspicious of him

I have a lifelong MH and when very unwell part of it is paranoia, reading through all this in one go I can see this in your posts. Hopefully in the future can take up the offer of counselling to help you deal even better with your anxiety and to have more self confidence. Nearly everyone could benefit from a good therapist - life is hard and a safe place to explore feelings is a good thing.

KOKO and I hope you've arranged a catch up with Mini's former KW

Your last update made me rub my hands together and cackle evilly!

He'll get his. Maybe not as soon as you'd like, but he will get his!

Mini is doing so well honestly I have no idea how I do it, some days I feel like all I do is shout at her or put her in timeout, but yet at Nursery, at Swimming even out and about she's a pleasure.

She did show and tell at Nursery a few weeks ago, and she was able to show her toys and even though she couldn't really explain where they came from she was able to say "I like to dance with my robot" (she has a fisher price beatbo my mum bought her after her op) and "I have elephant, he favourite" and she even let the other children have a look at everything apart from her elephant.

Couldn't be more proud. I actually cried soaked my pj top reading about it on her online journal.

All mums remember the failures before they remember the good times, I'm guilty of it too

FFS I’ve just had a letter from HMRC about an over payment of tax credits. I can barely afford to live as it is...

Ensure you check that their revised calculations are correct ASAP.

HMRC do it all the time. Get your figures together, go through theirs (they get our figures wrong every single time!) then phone. Their call centre people are fine and seem to understand that the system is just wrong and the figures it spews up often have no basis in reality!

Are you claiming child maintenance through CMS? Does ex pay anything towards Mini's upkeep?

He pays £20 a week, and is trying to wriggle out of that. I did it throguh CMS but it's direct pay.

I think it's just come at the wrong time of year that's all, it's not a huge over payment only just over £100 but it's 4 weeks to Christmas and I'm struggling due to that so think it was just a WTF now moment rather than anything. Looks like Ex might be liable for a similar amount though which could make things tricky...Ex-FIL told my mum yesterday that it's disgusting that ExH has to pay me so much money each month when my family can help out (my granddad keeps chucking me £10 or so but he shouldn't have to).

Your exFIL is a dick. Of course ex should pay towards his daughter's keep, and £20 a week isn't much. I don't see why his son gets to abdicate responsibility, or why your family should have to pay.

You could ask HMRC if you can pay it back over installments. As it's only a small amount, you might be able to get away with paying back a fiver a week. Worth a try.

We only repay £10 per month!!!

I would ask to repay weekly over 12 months...

Ex-FIL told my mum yesterday that it's disgusting that ExH has to pay me so much money each month when my family can help out

You can see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I think FIL is disgusting to say that. Why shouldn't your Ex pay for his own child - and come to that, she is FIL's family too, why doesn't he put his hand in his pocket? (Not that you would want to be beholden to him).

I haven't called HMRC yet, I'll do it tomorrow when Mini's at Nursery as when I rang earlier the waiting time on the phone was over an hour and I can't really leave Mini alone for that long so I hung up.

Just spoken to my lovely GP, she has said she will be telling anyone who needs to know that she believes me and is happy to write any letters or reports for me and if necessary will appear via video link in court.

It was a general catch up phone call by the way by MH is still stable.

I did mention the catastrophsing though and she said it’s fairly common for people who’ve been in abusive relationships as they’ve been convinced to think the worst. She says that if it’s making me suicidal or I ever feel so worried by it that I might hurt myself then I need to call and speak to a doctor but otherwise it’s ok for me to take a little bit of a step back if I hear myself doing it and remind myself that actually thinking the worst won’t help.

Recognising that you are doing it is the main thing, then you stop in your tracks and recognise that your fear and lack of self worth is saying those things.

You could keep a MH diary just for you and your GP?

Note down thoughts where you are catastrophising or being paranoid then how you took a breath and put them back in the box. You will most likely see a pattern where the frequency is diminishing. You can also note down what would you do if the worst happened...

Lost residency- I would still see DD 50:50 and I could give her 100% when I did see her, I could work part time as no childcare worries etc. Show yourself how you can still see the positive regardless.

BTW you aren't going to lose residency but your fear of it is a recurring theme hence using it as an example

Every so often when life is crap I read this thread. You are proof that life can improve and I find you truly inspiring for the way you deal.

I know you probably don't believe me but you are extraordinary. Mini is very lucky to have you.

Being told by a 3 year old that the only reason they go swimming with Nursery is to get biscuits and they aren't going tomorrow unless they get biscuits

She does actually love swimming, and enjoys it, otherwise I wouldn't pay just shy of £120 for 10 lessons for her to go...well I hope she enjoys it anyway, the teachers and the Nursery staff say she loves it...

Spoke to Tax Credits yesterday and they were lovely.

I am only liable for £55 something of the debt but they cannot take it out of my current tax credits as it's a new claim. I have until Jan 1st to pay.

My granddad usually gives me £100 christmas money for me and DD to share so I'll pay it from that and use the remaining £40 or so to buy Mini a smaller gift from my granddad. Seems the most sensible way to do it. I'm an adult so can go without if I have to.

Get to Nursery to pick Mini up to the Manager having a laughing fit. When she'd calmed herself she says "Mini's just weed on the floor" I must have looked a bit shocked as she said "It's ok, I think she just forgot to tell us she needed to go but bless her when (Male Staff Member) asked her where that goes she looked at the floor and said "Oopsy I wet myself""

Apparently her face was very matter of fact about this and that's what they found so funny. I can well believe she'd just shrug it off she's like that.

Still can't believe it had to be my child who weed all over the Nursery floor. I did offer to clean it up but it had already been done when I got there.

Not sure whether to find it funny or be embarrassed on her behalf!