Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

I'm not sure of the exact wording as I don't have the order in front of me as I put it in a safe place and can't remember where that safe place is but I'm sure it says up to 3 hours but more or less can be awarded at the discretion of the Social Worker and her team.

I'm not sure if she had lunch. As I sent a brown paper bag with a sandwich, juice carton and banana in as I didn't want to lose any of my tuppaware.

Photos on Facebook show some jigsaws and a doll, so I assume he played with her a bit.

Found the order exactly where I thought it was but couldn;t find it the first time

It says that the respondent (me) will make the child available for weekly contact for between 2 and 3 hours but if told to do so by (Social Workers name) or any member of her team the respondent will make the child available for more contact

Contact is to take place within the applicants home supported by his parents for up to 3 hours or longer if the (social workers name) or her team feel it is appropriate.

I presume that three hours includes travel time?

It doesn’t say and I’ve not had that confirmed. As I’m doing drop off and pick up I assume not.

Are you going to take your mum or your brother with you for support?

I always take someone with me for pick up, but my solicitor says he may use that to say I’m trying to intimidate him so if I can go alone I need to.

They can stay in the car while you walk Mini to the door. If anything escalates then you have back up. As Mini gets more used to it then the other person can take her to the door and you stay in the car to limit your contact with him. That isn’t intimidating.

I don’t get out of the car at pick up anyway, I’ve always let ExH put her in her car seat.

Good idea. Sitting in a car is hardly intimidating

You’d think so but I was still told I was a bully and shouted at by Ex-FIL in the car at pickup (when he returned her late)

I think the bully is the idiot shouting in front of a three year old myself

She was inside with her dad thankfully

Sat at the end of Mini's bed as I can do that now she has a single not a toddler bed and watching her sleep.

I didn't realise she chews her elephants ear while she sleeps, no wonder he's always soaking wet and his ear keeps falling off! I say he as he has a name and Mini always refers to him with male pronouns

She was a bit quiet after contact but I thought she was tired but she didn't fall asleep until just after i'm a celebrity started so wondering if somethings happened with her dad as usually when she's tired she falls asleep quickly. Also she's laid in the same position for ages, she's usually quite a wriggler - I know she's ok as when I go in I'll kiss her and she always either partially opens her eyes or lifts her hand to push me away.

Can you have your phone on record, so you have a record of the behaviour at drop off/pickup time.

I don't understand why they think it better for you to be alone when he can have his whole family there.

Don’t over worry. Children are often a little different after contact. It doesn’t mean something has happened. My mum always used to say I was a little different after I’d been with my dad (they spilt when I was two). It’s a lot to process at that age.

I have to get ExHs and all the family who he lives with permission to film, and he won’t give it.

Nursery are monitoring her behaviour today. I do think the contact changing each week is going to be more unsettling for her than not seeing him but obviously I need nursery to back me up for that.

But I’m not really sure how we’d combat that and neither is my solicitor as we can’t force him to set his shifts which means when she starts school I can arrange extra curricular stuff or my own work (if I get a job) in case he wants her/doesn’t want her. Which again feels a bit controlling on his part

*can't arrange obviously

It’s normally just parental permission required. A bit weird that his parents are factored into it at all. I take it that you are talking about the nursery play?

Clutterbugsmum said I should use my phone and record drop off and pick up for contact with ExH but I'd need permission of everyone there for the contact to film it, and I doubt ExH would give permission and if he did then I doubt his dad would. As contact is supervised for now I have to ask permission of everyone there at pickup/drop off.

Get a dash cam. Leave it on.

You are not recording them...

I don't have my own car, I borrow my mums and don't always take the car for pickup as they live in the same town as me, it's 2 miles but I don't mind walking it.

I was thinking last night, I know exactly the game of my solicitor and why her/her colleague allowed the interim order and I don't think it's to stitch me up.

I have come up with some questions for him and I think that's part of the plan.

How are you going to maintain Mini's routine if your shifts are variable?
How are you going to ensure she feels settled and happy if you aren't always there?
How are you going to get her to Nursery if you're working early and how will you pick her up if you're working late?

Remember I said cafcass are on my side? This is part of it, I can do this.

I think I know how we can combat the variable shifts too.

We can do one of two things:

1. He can have a set day and time each week/twice a week for his contact and if he's working he'll just have to miss it that week

or 2. Have times which are "protected" so when I know which after school swimming class she'll move into and which night she'll be doing other clubs (not sure whether to go with Scouts/Girlguiding or Drama or something yet) set those as the times which are protected and he just has to have contact on other nights.

I can do this. I can play the game.

That sounds very sensible. You're thinking clearly today. Having followed your posts for a long time, there's a pattern of catastrophising, calming down, then some rational thinking and a plan of action. It's always one step back but two steps forward, and you should be proud of yourself for that.

Having to treat me, Mini and the cat for threadworm and accept an exclusion from Nursery for Mini to find out we didn't have them...not even the cat...

Well hooray for that! Who thought you might , and as you don't have them where were they supposed to have come from?

Make a note of this.