Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Don't forget his mum. I think she keeps pushing him.

Don't forget his mum. I think she keeps pushing him.

I am sure she does, also she'll be funding this as he doesn't earn enough to do it alone.

Mini's got her first supervised contact today. Getting nervous for her, feel like it's me being watched even though I know it's not

That's Mini off.

I've had to provide everything. Spare pants, spare clothes, even toys and lunch.

What's the point of that?

Document what you had to provide. Keep a written record from now on of every access visit.

The Family Support Worker collected her from here and told me to provide it, said ExH hadn't had enough time to get anything. These visits were arranged last week and he's known it'll be supervised since 1st November which is almost 4 weeks ago, he's had enough time.

So document what you had to provide today. Document when the next visit is arranged and what happens next time. If not providing her basic needs becomes a pattern then it will be a useful thing to be able to evidence.

They're trying to prove I'm the problem, I knew it.

Just had a text to say everything is fine and MIni is happy.

They've never believed me, I know it. They're building contact up so she's used to him so they can take her off me. I knew it.

And you don’t need four weeks to sort out lunch!

You are catastrophisong again! Oh course have messaged you to tell you how mini is doing. They know you will be anxious. Having a nice time in secure and supervised environment is a normal reaction for a child of minis age.
That does not mean they are plotting to remove her from you!!
You need to calm down and put a smile on your face for when they come back. Do not react in a negative way or you will be shooting yourself in the foot.
Please listen! Deep breathes. You’ve always said you wanted mini to have a relationship with her dad. Well this is the start of that journey. It DOESNT MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE HER

No, they're not. Listen to Zofloramummy, and take some deep breaths.

You also don’t need 4 weeks to buy a couple of sets of clothes and some pants, particularly when he works in the a supermarket that sells children’s clothes!

Indeed @catlady! Are feeling any calmer now?

It’s just the way it was said to me “he’s not had enough time” like the fact he works gives him an excuse.

I have a million and one things to do every day including SALT exercises with Mini for 15 minutes and I still remember to do my shopping, pay my bills, bath her. It angers me that with 4 weeks notice he’s not able to do those things, it’s like he can’t cope with normal life.

Why are the pandering to him if it’s not to make me look over anxious?

They're pandering to him so he'll slip up. So he gets comfy and makes a mistake.

You've got this Catlady. Queenofthestress is right - they are pandering to him and you have shown that far from impeding access, you are enabling it by sending all she needs - at the request of the FSW. Them sending a message to say that she is fine is perfectly standard and assuming that, as a loving parent, you are anxious about her well-being. Now, you know that you do tend to catastrophise Catlady, and it's all due to lack of confidence in your own abilities. Just keep on doing what you're doing - and document everything as Zofloramummy says.

@catladytoddlermother , we are all behind you! You're an awesome mum. You are proving that you can out mini's needs first he isn't! Big hugs

As happy and healthy as Mini is, can anyone doubt your love and care for her? I think NOT!!!!!

It's their 'job' to encourage parental involvement, even if the parent concerned is a poor one (like him). But give him enough rope.......

This is just the first visit. He's on his super-best behaviour. It can't last. It never does. His true colours will show soon enough.

They've said they're not supervising anymore contacts but I still need to make her available weekly.

I assume he's satisfied them.

So we've gone from no supervision, to 3 to 1.

Solicitor says we can't make them supervise anymore as the order doesn't actually say they have to supervise any.

Ok so they are following the interim order. So as stated make her available weekly, document any requests for clothes, food etc. Document any lateness or sudden changes of plan.
And carry on doing so until the next hearing in January

He won't ask for anything. He never does, he'll wing it and try and make me look unreasonable.

My solicitor thinks they're going to push for 50/50 which I've said all along, they don't believe me. They're talking the talk to get me on side.

50/50 is the usual starting point but often due to working patterns etc isn’t feasible. Most families do one night week and EOW.
Try not to over think things until January comes. You were so certain he’d get full custody only a few weeks ago. He won’t, but is possibly going to have more access than you would want. Chin up. The battle isn’t over yet.

The solicitor says she's going to find out exactly why they've decided not to supervise anymore as the FSW would have been there less than an hour.

She left me at 12.25, it's a 10 minute drive at most to ExHs (same town just opposite ends, he lives 2.5 miles from me), and Mini was back with me at 1.35pm. So even if it took the full round 20 minutes to drive, they've been in the house 50 minutes, if it didn't it's still only just over an hour, how has she in an hour judged that they no longer need to supervise?

I've been told nothing, all I got was that text. I asked how it went when she was dropped off and I was just told "fine". I've seen some photos on Facebook of her, but that's it. When I asked Mini she just said "I saw daddy" and that's it.

Does the order stipulate how long the visits are?

So, when Mini was there, she had her lunch? He can't have done anything with her, if it was only 50 minutes.