Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

You couldn’t in that context without appearing against acces entirely.

I am more fortunate in a way than you in that my ex admitted to me and to social services that he had thoughts about harming my dd. He was psychotic at the time but also in full time work and appeared on the surface as a normal bloke.

I will never trust him. And I’m sure you feel the same way about mini. But I made a choice to support a safe relationship. Because I know ultimately it’s the right thing to do. She will know her dad, good and bad and she’ll make her own choices when she’s grown up. I really wish I could protect her forever but at some point she will ask hard questions and I will tell her (age appropriate) the truth.

This is my worry about ExH. He still says he didn't do anything to Mini and that I provoked the attack on me in March, he claims I followed him, which given the layout of the flat and were I say I was when I was attacked is impossible.

If he held his hands up and said "Yes I did this and I'm sorry" I'd feel a bit better but no, he just says it didn't happen and I was the abuser.

I still don't think anyone believes me, because he and this process has worn me down so much. I mean I've proved this week that I can do it on my own, yes I needed help from my mum, and a friend, but I've proved that actually even when I am ill I can do it, but yet I still think I can't.

I will never trust him again. But strangely I can't hate him, because to me hating him would be like hating a part of my DD and I could never hate her.

And that is part of what makes you such a good mum! That you feel that you could do better, that you can acknowledge that you are not perfect, that you need help...also that you can't hate him, and that you believe that the right thing to do is allow Mini to have a relationship with him, that you have a principle which isn't centred entirely on what you want in the first place!

CatLady, trust you solicitor with regard to the cOurt Order thingwhatsit.

Trust your instincts with regard to Mini.

Try to trust yourself.

My mum once told me (whilst I was in the throws of a massive meltdown over my DDs paternal grandmother wanting custody) this -

The best parent you can be is one that accepts you're not perfect.

My friends think I'm the perfect mother. They actually do. I do messy time, get out and about, I dont shout, my kids do whats asked when they're asked, I do all the therapies and the reading and the writing, and all the constantly playing. They think I'm an ace mum. They dont see the 3am phone calls to my mum because DS has shit on the carpet for the 6th time that night. Or the goddamn bone deep exhaustion because I cant sleep from worrying that I'll have him home with me until I bloody die. Or the red screen rage fits at 8pm when the kids have gone to sleep because fucking hell if I have to hear them arguing one more time I'm selling them to the circus. They've not seen me ring my sister at 1pm when DS is at school begging her to take DD because jesus if she clings to me any tighter she's gonna be back inside me. No ones perfect. Don't expect yourself to be hun mini is goddamn lucky to have you and they all know it

Queenofthestress You're brilliant, I've seen your photos sorry I do a bit of Facebook stalking and your children are clearly loved and know they are.

But I'd never say anyone was perfect. Perfect would be boring. I also like to play "guess how I am going to mess up this time" with myself, always funny when I predict right.

I just hope Mini knows I love her and I always put her first.

Stalk away m'dear! i did to you too so we're even

She knows it in every kiss, every cuddle, every pumpkin picking trip

I simply don't believe that Mini feels anything other than loved. Every single thing you have told us about her says she's a happy and well-loved little girl who knows she is loved, who trusts you utterly. She is so much fun, her humour is superb. You don't get that from confused or uncertain children. The children like Mini have the confidence which comes from being loved.

Sorry for the silence. My sinus infection really took it out of me. So I have still been around but under a name change when I've not been sleeping. Mini ended up doing a couple of extra days in Nursery, but she didn't seem phased by that.

Good news! Social Worker has agreed that all contact can be arranged through solicitors after the first 3 contacts which will be supervised. I have agreed to let the Family Support Worker supervise that for 2 reasons a) to SWs credit she has a very good relationship with Mini and I think if she was supervising Mini would want to spend time with her and not with her dad, which isn't the point of contact and b) because the FSW isn't in a position of authority as such (she is as she's reporting back to the SW but she has no say in what happens) I'm hoping ExH will drop his guard and be a bit more relaxed. I know the FSW won't put her in danger (she's introduced me to her DD whose a year older than Mini so i think understands my concerns a bit) but I'm hoping ExH just "forgets" to do things like feed her she won't starve missing one meal afterall or hasn't got clothes to change her into if she wets herself as she's still potty training which I think if the Social Worker was there he'd be on the ball with. My solicitor thought this was a good plan too.

I've bought Mini's costume for the concert. I am so excited for her! Have ironed out my concerns with the Nursery Manager who is Mini's keyworker. She says she doesn't know Mini's father so they can't hand her over to him as it's a saefguarding concern as he could be anyone. She will be handed to me unless I take ExH to the manager and say "Mini can go with her dad" so my biggest concern is alleviated. Manager has also advised that I limit tickets for Mini, as she's worried that if ExH knows he can bring anyone (as normally she says any child can have anyone there as it's usually the first concert/show for most children) he'll bring his entire family to intimidate me and also try and prove I have no support network, so she's limited tickets to 4 for Mini so I'm taking my mum or my brother and ExH can choose a member of his own family to attend hopefully not his dad.

Feeling a lot happier recently, not sure if the doctor put something in the antibiotics I was given for my sinus infection or it's just I'm coming out the other side. Either way, it feels good.

Had a meeting with a local school head and SENCO (diff people) about Mini and they're very positive. Think it'll be that school she goes to, it's a lovely school (I went there). I know ExH will try and stop her attending though as there's only one school he'll consider.

Will he want her to go to his old school? Why won't he want her to go to the one you like?

He wants her to go to the school next to his house which his cousin goes to Nursery at who is the same age as DD as he wants them to be friends but I think they can be friends without being in a class together at school.

He won't want her going to the school I want her to go to because it's too far from his house and he has no connection to it. I have no bias for a particular school, yes I went to this one and yes it's a good school but I just want her to go wherever is best for her needs and she will be happiest.

You do need to consider the journey for her, too. If the school you want is a reasonable journey for her, and is more convenient from your home than from his, then it'll be much better for her to go to the one of your choice. Is her nursery a 'feeder' for it?

Nursery is private so isn't a feeder to anywhere but already has an established relationship with the school as the school use the Nursery for wrap around care.

We walk past the road that the school is on to get to Nursery, it's closer to home than Nursery is. The school he wants is over 2 miles from my house and I don't want to be walking that every day as I doubt I'll be able to afford a car before she starts school.

I also liked the school because when I was sat in reception waiting to speak to the head and SENCo I could see and hear a class of children - I'd guess year 1 or 2 and I loved how the children were so helpful of each other and polite which seems to match the schools ethos and is what I want for my DD.

Staff were positive they could meet her needs and they showed me round and have arranged for DD to have a separate tour as she was a bit shy due to being overwhelmed at the open day. I am really sure this is the right school for her.

I wasn't confident before with my own choices but having written it down here and also on the GDD group I think I have a valid argument for this school should ExH choose to be awkward and take it to court.

Is it the nearest school to your flat OP? It sounds like you have sound educational reasons for liking this school.

It's the nearest to me but only by 0.01m

But ExHs nearest school is the furthest school I am in catchment for

Seems like a no brainer to me. Why send her to a school 2 miles away, when there's a good one a lot nearer?

Simple logistical argument. The school that meets mini’s needs is geographically within walking distance. Heads up, the school he wants isn’t. And guess what? Schools are pretty brutal in selecting students. Also you can fill the forms in without his input. Just been it your choice first (as geographically and economically it’s the best choice - also sounds like a great SENCO. And put his last).
You have given your preferences and it’s not your decision.
P.s. the LEA will ali most certainly place her in your preferred school because it’s the closest.

We're applying for an EHCP so preferences go out of the window as I will name the school I want on the EHCP

Just had an email from the Swim School that DD goes to with Nursery as I emailed them

"Hi CatLady,
Thanks for the email, lovely to hear that Mini loves her lessons.

She's doing really well at swimming following our (programme name) all the resources are available on our website so you can see exactly what we're doing each lesson. I will be honest when I heard about her before meeting her I was nervous as her needs are quite complex but she clearly loves swimming and clearly benefits from it and is an absolute pleasure to teach."

I love this, money well spent

I’m slowly building up my evidence to prove I am the right parent for DD to live with, all this help. If others are saying “she’s a delight” “she’s a pleasure to teach” “we love having her here” then that proves that I don’t let my depression and anxiety hold her back and there’s no evidence of emotional abuse.

Can I ask Cat lady, what do you think is his motivation for driving this as much as he is? Most dads honestly threaten full custody but actually it’s all about the money and they back off. What do you think your ex actually wants? Is it about torturing you and winning some sort of game where mini is a prize?
Because he doesn’t actually know her very well really. You are the centre of her universe not him.

It’s about control I think. He’s lost control of me also is trying to use Mini to control me. I don’t honestly think he wants her full time, his job and his free time is too important to him.

That and his parents telling him I’m the person who is wrong is making him want to take back control.

I think you are right and shows that he sees mini not as a person in her own right but something that he wants to ‘own’ in order to hurt you. Sad, nasty man.