Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Nat6999 I get legal aid yes, my solicitor insisted I applied for it and there is a letter from my GP which states I was the victim of abuse. I have offered via my solicitor to both ExH and the SW to go for a physiological assessment at a hospital locally which deals with MH but it's been declined as neither wanted to pay for it and I can't afford to or I'd offer.

That's great from the social worker, what a shame that her actions and messages have added so much pressure to you though

Ask your solicitor about a barrister for court, explain to them that it isn't that you think they aren't doing their job right, but you need someone to present the strongest case they can that you are a good parent & your little one should stay with you. I know it must be hard allowing your DD to go for access visits, it broke my heart for the first couple of years whenever my DS went to stay at his dad's. He was only 6 when we split up & I hated it at first, but I learned to view his access as free childminding & used the time to go out & do things for myself, housework was banned when it was access days, it was me time. My DS is now nearly 15 & sorts out for himself who he wants to see & when, the court order is stuffed in a drawer & never gets looked at. As your daughter gets older it will become easier as she will be able to make her own feelings known & vote with her feet to get what she wants. No matter how much it upsets you, try to see her off with a hug & a smile & be pleased to see her when she comes back, don't question her about what she has been doing, she will tell you in her own time.

Well, just because he says he'll get someone sacked, doesn't mean he can! Workplaces (especially public sector) have stringent rules and processes that they have to go through before they can sack someone, so it's highly unlikely they'd listen to a disgruntled parent and sack someone, unless she seriously fucked up.

Remember, he's full of shit, all bluster and bullying, so take no notice when he spouts shit like that.

Got it! I think your solicitor sounds pretty good!

Motoko I'm a retired Civil Servant. I can't count the number of times that clients threatened to have me sacked because they didn't like my decisions. It happens all the time. They usually just call and blow off steam, but occasionally a client would make up allegations of wrong-doing or even more seriously, racism or disablism. These allegations must be taken seriously by management, even if they feel they are scurrilous. Even if you know you are innocent, it's still a bit scary as we all have seen innocent coworkers sacked or disciplined for things they didn't do. So if Jerk Wad is threatening the SW, she's probably nervous. And this may be translating to 'less than wise' behaviour towards CatLady.

you're doing well OP

Well, DH works for the public sector, and in his experience, it's very difficult for someone to get the sack. Perhaps it depends on what the allegation is, and whether there's any proof.

Mini is a snowflake in the Christmas Concert, so now I need to make her a costume, any ideas?

What would she be comfortable wearing?

You could make a simple costume by drawing and glittering a snowflake on the front of a white shift or longish top. Cut out and glitter a little snowflake for her hair. Then a glitter snowflake on a wand?

Or you could go all out with a snowflake tutu, glittery silvery top and snowflake headdress?

I was thinking of a white tshirt and white leggings, or a skirt of some kind. She loves skirts, and glitter...

Plain white (or with little sparkly bits) t shirt and leggings. Big cardboard snowflake attached to front, could be done with safety pins? or velcro? Maybe two snowflakes, one for the front and one for the back if you feel up to it. If you do a few subtle glittery bits - very sparing - she'll be a snowflake sparkling in the sun?

I'm sure there'll be more suggestions!

Like the idea of the snowflake for her hair, too, and the snowflake wand if it won't stop or distract her from doing anything else, and if she's OK holding it.

White skirt would be fine too. As long as she's comfortable with what she's wearing she'll love doing it!

She'd love a snowflake hair clip, and her hair is long enough for it as well!

I'll get creative, sounds like it could be fun. Love the idea of a glittery snowflake on the front and back of a Tshirt, she could also wear it again

All I would say about the glitter is that you don't want her looking more like a star than a snowflake, so not too much of the stuff

Stencil and fabric glitter spray paint. You need a craft shop or online! You could do either an ice blue T-shirt with snowflakes or black/darker blue with snowflakes.

Love doing this kind of stuff. I once made star outfit with cream fabric, hand painted (by dd) stars and a huge amount of wonder web! Even had a crown. Unfortunately she got chicken pox and missed the play

Or cut a big snowflake out of white felt and sew it front and back onto a darker T-shirt. Too light and it won’t stand out.

You can get white glitter, which is really nice.

There's a good indi craft shop in town bet it'll have what I need

Headache is making me not think straight...thanks for the ideas though when I get rid of it I'll reread them all

Bit confused.

My solicitor has said that for the Christmas Concert, the order states that Mini lives with me. She hasn't said whether I can stop him taking her or if there are any consequences to doing so but she also says that contact takes place in his home and is supervised.

Is she implying that he can't take Mini? I can't stop him watching the show (sadly) but I think she's saying she has to come home with me/go back to Nursery with the staff.

Very much sounds like that. Unless it was a planned access he can’t remove her. Are you planning on taking her straight home from the concert or would she normally still be there for a few hours after?

Because say the concert is a 10 and her nursery hours are 9-12 if just go, watch the concert and let her go back to her room and pick her up at the normal time.

Concert is not at the Nursery, it's at one of the local Primary Schools. It's on a Thursday which isn't her normal Nursery day, and is at 2pm in the afternoon.

Maybe she is thinking that since contact is supposed to be supervised if he takes her from nursery himself that that constitutes unsupervised contact? Or that you have no way of knowing if his parents are at the house to supervise? (I'm assuming neither of them will be at the concert)

I'd probably call your solicitor to clarify. I expect there's enough time before the concert to iron the details out.

You take her and bring her home. Look confident, tell nursery that is what is happening and sit closest to where they will be handing the children over. Ask nursery to help with this.