Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Withdrawing her will be detrimental to Mini, as well as your case. Stop catastrophising, and just take one day at a time. Don't keep thinking about all the what ifs, it does you no good, as you then end up in a downward spiral.

You know, we know, the nursery know, that Mini is better off with YOU, so you've got to keep fighting.

No, don't do that. The best thing you can do for both of you is just keep on doing what you've been doing. Don't disrupt the routine.

I know you're scared and nervous. But I really think things are not as bleak as you think they are. You may not end up with things exactly as you want them, but you will NOT lose Mini.

In keeping with the day (11/11)

Don't give up the ship! (Perry)
We will never surrender! (Churchill)
I have not yet begun to fight! (Jones)
Victory belongs to the most persevering (Bonaparte)

And of course,
Fuck him and the horse he rode in on! (Me)

Mini is hilarious.

She calls her Elephant toy, her pet
And tucks him at night with a kiss and tells him she loves him.

And we just walked to the shop with her dolls pushchair which has two seats and she said to everyone "I got my pet and my Christmas for a walk" as she had a santa toy in the front.

where on earth does she get her sense of humour from?

She also insisted she "needed" crumpets for lunch, a sandwich or wraps just wouldn't do "I need rumps (crumpets) mummy, I need them" so we walked to the shop for crumpets

Rumps, love it!

That's perfect, her pet and her Christmas go on an adventure to capture rumps!

Just been partial to a conversation my solicitor had with the Social Worker and the Family Support Worker.

They are testing ExHs commitment, they need him to show that his work is as flexible as he says it is, they can't let her miss appointments due to her issues but they have told him that he can attend and I cannot stop him. They are also checking I can put Mini first for those 10-20 minutes of the appointment and act mature around him. So if he doesn't attend appointments but I do that's a tick on me prioritizing Minis health needs and a cross for him not attending. If he attends and we manage to be in the same room together for that time it's a tick for me acting and behaving maturely and putting Mini first, and a tick for him attending. They are monitoring how many appointments she has in the time between now and 9th January and tracking how many he attends - they have said the only ones I can stop him going to is any in my home.

They do not want me to withdraw her from the concert. Family Support Worker will be attending if Mini takes part as she wants to see a) if he turns up and b) will stop him taking Mini from me as the order states she lives with me. They also say that they can use this to show that Mini is happy at Nursery and I don't hold her back.

Social Worker admitted that she forgot to blank out details about me in a report she sent to ExH . She has apologised not to me though and says she took it out on me as she was angry at herself for forgetting that I wanted that information kept confidential. SW agreed to send all reports to Solicitor before sending them on to ExH from now on. If I get an apology and the way I am spoken to improves I am happy with that, it must be so hard to have so many clients and remember individual circumstances when writing reports.

SW says she wants me to move still and can guarantee he won't get my address from her or the Support Worker, but courts could choose to share it. She also told my solicitor that she doesn't think ExH will show his commitment to Mini. She does want him to work around Mini but she does need to take her out of Nursery for a supervised visit as her behaviour is worse when she's tired so they need to see how he manages her behaviour when it's both good and bad, however they have agreed to stick to the 7 day notice rule for Nursery and have planned that for 2 weeks time so I can say to Nursery "I will be taking her out at lunchtime on X date". They also said if he keeps insisting on taking her out of Nursery I can use that to say "well he can't put her first because he keeps taking her out of Nursery and out of routine".

Support Worker said they know I am the reasonable one, and that they know I do loads for Mini and that I always put her first, and they will be writing that I don't often talk about myself unless it's in the context of my own health. They've also said that I have been fighting for whats best for Mini and that I have acted maturely and fairly, they just have to prove ExH is being UR and unfair to want to uproot Mini from her life with me to live with him.

I'm not sure whether to be happy or not.

That is WONDERFUL! One if the best things I have read in a while. Yes, it isn't great for the short term as it will disrupt Mini but is is very positive for the future. They are on your side.

Well, I think it sounds very good, for you!

It sounds to me as if SW may have a 'give him enough rope and he'll hang himself' attitude.

As far as the courts go, if SW thinks the courts may give him your new address if you move, can't moving be put on the back burner for now? Although here (US) it's pretty usual that parents have to provide their addresses to the other parent so each parent knows where their children are. Unless of course there's danger involved.

this is excellent news .... and your SW admitted she fucked up .. this is on record..... you are getting there Lady... honest

Happy Days, Catlady!!! Keep doing what you do best! (Being Mini’s Mummy!!!) Just try not to react too emotionally when pushed by these people.....

She's still saying one thing and doing another (SW).

Just had a call saying ExH needs contact this week and the order states we are to organise it between us and not through the solicitors.

FFS! The reason I want to go through the solicitor is a) to prove that he can't put her first as he gets enough notice of his shifts to say I want her on X, Y and Z date and b) so with that info I can also come back and say well she's not available Y due to this but if you want her on A or B instead you can. I am not trying to obstruct contact, I want her to see him regularly, but that shouldn't be at the determent to her Social Life or Education.

I give up for today. Have emailed Solicitor to see what she suggests I do.

Emailing your solicitor is exactly the right thing to do!

do not engage with Him.. send it all to your Solicitor

It sounds like she's doing what I thought which is giving him rope to hang himself with. Like I said earlier, they can't say that he's unsuitable without proof that he's unsuitable barring those few incidents which arent admissable in court. I know you wont be loosing her, I can guarentee it xx

Unfortunately you are going to have to parent (I use that word very loosely in his case) with her dad for the next 15 or so years.

You can't do this through the solicitors for every time he sees her. Hopefully he will (get bored and go away) get set times so you don't have to have as much communication however there is always going to be some.

If you can bring yourself to respond that yes she is free or unfortunately she has nursery/swimming/doctors at that time so an alternative would be better for DD. It will look better on you and is something you will have to get used to dealing with.

Keep is factual and short.

My solicitor told me to do everything via her I’m only following the advice I’ve been given.

I also suspect that he might be trying to use the SW to control me, and because she’s pushing back he’s making threats about her job to her and even the most experienced and professional person might get a bit spooked by that. They know I’m the reasonable one so are putting the pressure of me due to the fear.

Actually reading back my post about the conversation with my Solicitor I am convinced that's what's happening.

Thats a common tatic, my ex-SIL's partner once sent her an invoice for the appointment she missed due to her manager needing her help, the invoice was for £400, her manager thankfully just laughed at him but I can see why one without backup would be scared for her job, these men really are vile

it's common place for Social Workers to be threatened with losing their jobs by 'client families' .. they hear it on a daily basis.. it will not deter them from acting in the best interests of Children OP.. stick with it .. honestly you've come so so far....

I agree.

CatLady, that is such great news! They are ON YOUR SIDE. They know you are reasonable. They know he isn't.

As for the SW and her actions not fitting her words, it does seem that there may be a deeper layer where she has fucked up and he is taking advantage of that vulnerability.

Your solicitor is clearly there for you, she seems strong, determined, experienced and active on your behalf. She is your strongest weapon, so yes, use her.

I've still got that picture of a cute little girl pushing a pram with her pet and her Christmas going off to capture rumps it is delightful and I smile every time I think of it.

They are NOT trying to take Mini from you, that's just NOT what they want for her. They WANT her to live with you because they consider you to be A1 Mummy, and you are.

Believe in yourself.

I don't understand how he could threaten her job?

Motoko He has when we were together said "I am going to get so and so sacked because they're awful at their job" and has really convinced me that's what he's going to do.

AcrossthePond55 It's the same in the UK re addresses, a parent has a right to know where their child is living but I am considered vulnerable and he is a risk to that, so they may say that him knowing my address threatens mine and DDs safety and sense of stability so may keep it from him. My solicitor thinks the courts will rule to keep it a secret as long as I agree to do drop off and pick up for contact which I am happy to do and if I can't my mum or brother will step in and do it for me.

I've been reading both your threads & my heart goes out to you, before you go back to court again, ask your solicitor to get a barrister to represent you in court, they run rings round Caffcass & social workers & will improve your chances of a good outcome. I hope you are getting legal aid as you should be, due to the DV that you can prove from the police. Don't give up & keep fighting, they are trying to use your previous MH problems against you, would your GP get you an emergency Psychologist consultation to give more weight to the fact that your MH is no longer a problem? Use whatever support you can to back your case, Google domestic violence for your area & see if there are other organisations who would help you.