Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Aaaargh, i didn't put the link in, sosorry! This dictaphone is just over £20

I agree with your SHL vis SW's reasons for behaving like she does. Hope SHL has an enlightening chat with the manager.

how you doing today Catlady

Sorry I've been away for a few days had a massive headache that wouldn't go.

We have a slight problem...

I've spoken to the FRG. And they said that I can't use the incidiences where DD was hurt by ExH in court because the revious social worker has chosen to believe they didn't happen and closed the case, even though the report says he confessed the previous SW may say that he was under pressure from me to say he did it...

So that means I only have the incident against me in March. FRG says even though police say it happened the SW doesn't have to believe me, I can however submit evidence to the judge and it's up to them if they believe me.

So basically the FRG think the SW is working under the assumption that I was the abuser and that's why I'm having the problems I am .

I've been given advice on how to deal with her, like recording all meetings and things, but FRG says all I can do is hope the judge believes me.

If she doesn't then I could lose my DD.

Omg bloody hell!! Wtf is wrong with the system??

Ok deep breaths, you still have - the incident against you, the medical reports for Mini, the nursery reports, the fact that you were acting under advice (from social services) regarding supervised access. Any relevant threats on email and text. Still a chunk of evidence in your favour.

Not surprised you’ve been under the weather

Oh and your GP saying you are of sound mind (which if your SW refutes then she is basically calling her incompetent- with no proof to back that up)

It's not all bad. The FRG did give me some very good advice.

They said no to argue with the SW, because it makes me look desperate and could play into her hands with my MH. They've told me to do everything she says even if it seems silly or inappropriate because she can't argue I was unco-operative.

They also said if she starts saying I'm lying about my mental stability again get it in writing from her, so if she says "You've lied to your GP" ask her to either send it in a letter or email.

They couldn't advise on the contact issue as they don't when it's going to court but have said it's an idea to ask both ExH and SW to sort contact through my solicitor as she will then filter requests and should only send me those that meet the requirements on the interim order.

I am actually feeling a bit more positive. They're right, the SW is entitled to her opinion, but I can and will prove that her opinion of me is wrong.

And they've told me to complain after the S7 goes in and ask for her o have more training on DV and the mental health issues that present when a person has been in that relationship. Which I think is a good idea as she so clearly doesn't believe me.

I’m so glad you are feeling positive and they are right, you have options. This isn’t a done deal.

Not sure what the FRG is (I'm in the US), but what does your SOLICITOR say? That should be who determines what can or cannot be used in court.

FRG is Family Rights Group, they deal with problems with Social Workers, Social Services and anyone who works directly with them.

Solicitor thinks we can put the fact he harmed her to the judge but as the previous Social Worker closed the case it will probably be thrown out.

It’s going to be a struggle but I’ve got to give it ago. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t at least try.

Did the previous SW not believe you either? Did they close the case because you had left him? I am talking from a position of NO KNOWLEDGE, but if the case is closed, that's surely not the same as never existed?

Anyway, get the police report of the dv against you, and anything else they may have that's relevant and your SHL can decide whether she wants it and what to do with it.

Hope your head is better and you have a fun weekend.

The previous social worker closed the case of him hurting DD, no action was taken which means she chose to think it didn’t happen and this means it will not be reopened or reinvestigated at all so to Previous Social Worker and probably the court no it didn’t happen.

Basically means that there wasn't enough evidence to say it happened and DD was too young to say it did. We were together when it happened and even though I witnessed it, it's my word against his.

When my mum goes to the new b+m in town and buys Mini a Rubble toy....

Such a neglected and abused child, clearly...

I'm glad you contacted them OP..

Feeling a bit depressed at the thought of fighting this and I know it's the effect he's had on me, but part of me thinks is it worth it?

I mean even if I keep custody of her and he gets to see her I still have to have him in my life, her Christmas Concert at Nursery is coming up and I'm dreading it. Usually it's two tickets per child but her Nursery have said I can have 4 and are being understanding about it all, but Solicitor says I have to let him have 2 of those. Just seeing his name on my emails makes me cry, how the hell do I sit in the same room as him with no protection for an hour? How on earth do I get through that and focus on my DD? And what if he tries to take her at the end? Do I stop him or let him? And how do I stop him? I don't want a huge fight in front of DD, and I am definitely not confident enough to defend myself. I could barely manage the initial hearing with him.

And it's going to be like this for the next 14 years potentially. How on earth do I be the bigger person when all I feel is sick? I hate the fact he's telling people he's scared of me, me?

And then I think, well maybe it was my fault, maybe I provoked him or deserved it or worse. And I'm so worried about my past being dragged into this, like the fact I almost terminated DD when I found I was pregnant - will he say that means I don't care about her or don't want her? Maybe he's right and it was my brains way of saying "you can't do this". Then there's my brother and his history. Oh and the fact that the Social Worker hates me.

It's such a mess. I'm never going to get a "clean break" really am i? He's always going to be there, and I dread to think what he'll tell DD when she's older, will he convince her that I was the one in the wrong?

Maybe I'm better letting her go now on my terms than having her poisoned against us all (me, my mum, my brother) when she's older.

How do I know what's best? And how do I find the strength to fight this when in my head all I've got is him saying "You're wrong" "you're evil"?

Just feels so unfair that I do all the Nursery runs in the cold or the rain or the snow, I do all the contact with Nursery, I pay almost half my monthly income to keep her there not that I begrudge that she's worth every penny I do all the hard graft and he gets to do the best bits; the shows, the fayres.

How is it allowed? He'll also take all the credit for it too I bet

And who knows what he'll tell the other parents?

So put the women of MN in your head, and we're all saying "You're NOT wrong. You're a great mum. You CAN do this. It IS worth it".

Type it out, print it, expand it onto A3, laminate it, stick it on the wall. Read it every time you pass it. Stop and read it out loud.

Or, write those things onto index cards and stick them up near your bed. Every time you enter your bedroom, read them, say them out loud.

CatLady, you CAN do it. You're a great mum. You're doing really, really well.

It will get easier. There WILL come time when he will be nothing to you.

The nursery will know who is the one doing the cold, rain and snow. They will know who is there with her day after day. They will know who is paying for it because it is best for her.

They will know he is (if he bothers) showing up for the good bits without any of the grunt work.

Also same room doesn't mean next seat. You can sit the other side of the room and not have to look at him.

But what if he tries to take her? He's on her BC so he technically can take her.

Think I'm going to withdraw her, it'll be a shame but my anxiety levels are through the roof.

Don't withdraw her, Catlady. These nursery workers could be your greatest allies. They have daily interaction with Mini and they know will be called up to support you. They know her delays and they see what you do for her every day. Slow down and breathe. Please.

CatLady, you won't gain anything by withdrawing her, and you'd lose a lot. So would Mini, she'd lose all that lovely socialisation and stimulation, and you'd lose all that on-going support.

Please don't do it, think again.