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Original poster

Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

999 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/07/2018 17:47

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

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Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 18:14

Order also says that I have to take her to his house and then pick her up again afterwards (which I have no problem with)

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Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 18:22

He can't take her out of his home for contact, he is breaking the terms of the order if he does.

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Zofloramummy · 07/11/2018 18:30

So you have no choice but to rearrange (even if at short notice) any appointment over the 10 weeks that are in his contact time. You should explain to the services that there is a court order that you cannot contravene. In ideal circumstances the environmental restrictions wouldn’t e there so he could take her if needed. But for now you can’t be seen to be stopping access until the next court date.

What has your solicitor advised?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/11/2018 18:34

Do you know enough about his parent's 'schedules' to know if when he wants visitation is reasonable considering those schedules?

I mean, if they work M-F then it's not reasonable to assume that a visit on a weekday (when Mini might have an appointment) is the 'only' time they can supervise as they'd normally be at work. Likewise if they're retired, it's not reasonable to assume that a specific day (when she has an appt) is the 'only' time they can supervise as they should be relatively free for a visit any day (within reason).

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 18:37

I have no problem rearranging but I'm not getting the notice to rearrange. The order actually says that it should work around any other commitments that Mini has and I have always said I am happy to rearrange Nursery/Appointments but need sufficient notice to do so, as I can't just ring up on the morning and say we need a new appointment, she has been discharged for missing appointments before so I won't risk it happening again.

He won't attend appointments if I am there as he's told the SW he's scared of me. She is buying this and basically telling me I need to rearrange, because there is a clause on the order which states that the Social Worker can choose to award more or less contact to ExH as she sees fit, and she's told me she will say I am obstructing contact if he doesn't see her weekly. She told me that contact is more important than appointments/nursery etc. I repeated that with enough notice I will rearrange so she isn't missing out and told its not always practical to give notice Confused

Before the interim order I never let contact take place unless he gave me 7 days notice. Which solicitor says is more than reasonable as some court orders will state 28 days notice.

Solicitor says she's going to speak to my Social Workers manager tomorrow as it's not fair for me to be harassed while I have appointments.

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Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 18:41

His parents work nights, but I've only been told they have a "flexible schedule" no idea what actual days/nights but ex-mil works for the same company as ExH and it's policy they get their rotas 3 weeks in advance so they could arrange with me and then sort Ex-FIls work out around that then I could rearrange around contact.

However Nursery have said they will only accept a certain amount of day changes before it's no longer in Mini's interests. They would rather she stuck to her set days or had her set days changed around his rotas.

But SW says he doesn't have to give me any notice at all as she's his DD and it's his right to have her whenever he wants. So I could be given notice by Nursery if he's messing me around too much.

Which I think is his plan as he doesn't want her in Nursery as he thinks there's no need when I'm not working.

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Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 19:11

Getting a call from Nursery at 6.45pm and you're wondering if you've actually picked Mini up...She was sat on the sofa but where is she now

Oh no it's ok, Mr Elephants been left at Nursery!

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Jux · 07/11/2018 19:54

Calm, breathe deep. Let the solicitor deal with it tomorrow.

You know the SW is being unreasonable with her threats and her disbelief and her bias. Chances are that having a legal conversation with the SW's manager will bring a little light in. At least the solicitor will say that she has evidence of dd's dx, and all the rest of it, and the manager will backtrack massively and set a rocket up SW's arse.

Calm. Breathe deep.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 20:06

I just feel in a catch 22.

I want to be reasonable, I don't want to stop him seeing her but I also need it to be at a time that works around Mini.

But the SW basically has it in for me, so I either cancel appointments and let him see her and look like I'm not taking care of her medical needs, or I take her to appointments but that might mean he can't see her but then I'm obstructing contact.

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Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 20:06

I deleted all bar one voice mail, as they upset me. I was crying after my appointment.

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Varmints · 07/11/2018 20:16

Keep on keeping on op.

Binglebong · 07/11/2018 20:20

Try to avoid deleting voicemails if you can stand to - they can be used as evidence of the way she's talking to you.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 21:26

My phone company only keeps them for a few days anyway

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Gemini69 · 07/11/2018 21:26

STOP deleting anything ... these are evidence of her bias Catlady..

please.. don't delete anything...

and when she talks to you.. hit record on your phone.. and let her know/see that you are recording her your conversations... Flowers

Binglebong · 07/11/2018 21:56

You may have to download an app for recording calls - a lot of the built in ones won't operate when you're in a conversation. Which network are you on? Thete should be a way to keep voicemails longer. If not then put them in speakerphone and have someone record it (or use a recording app if you do download one).

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 22:02

I’m with GiffGaff

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Binglebong · 07/11/2018 22:31

Ok, I've had a look and there doesn't seem to be a way round the 30 day voicemail limit. The advice seems to be use an app to record.

This one seems to have reasonable reviews. If you call voicemail you can just record the whole thing, including the "press button #". Make sure you tell anyone you speak to that the call is being recorded or it may not be considered evidence (I don't know the exact rules).

play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=call.recorder.automatic.acr it's free but with adverts.

Jux · 07/11/2018 22:50

If you can afford it, this is really all you need. Put your phone on speaker and use this dictaphone to record. I had one very like it years ago, easy to use and recording quality good enough. I used it to record a couple of Council meetings when I needed to remember what was said; I was right at the back of the room and it was just a discussion among Council members at a large table at the other end of the room.

It was good enough for that so I imagine that if you have it on the table by the phone (on speaker) it'll be good enough.

Jux · 07/11/2018 22:54

Stop deleting things!!!!!

If you need space put them on a memory stick if you can, or send them up to the cloud or forward them to your solicitor. She'll probably want to see everything anyway.

justilou1 · 07/11/2018 23:04

I'm beginning to wonder if SW isn't dating your ex.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 23:09

She’s a bit old for him, she’s the same age as his mother

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Binglebong · 07/11/2018 23:31

It is possible that Justlou has hit on something. He is clearly very manipulative and it sounds as if he would be willing to lead on the SW to get what he wants. No idea how far he'd go of course. And it could be completely wrong. But there is something going on.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/11/2018 23:41

My solicitor thinks it far more likely she’s said something to him that she shouldn’t off like she’s disclosed my medical information or something to him and is treating me badly to try and hide it

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Binglebong · 07/11/2018 23:55

Whatever the reason she is nasty and wrong. You are a GREAT mum and your little kitten is very lucky to have you.

Save the evidence, fight, trust your solicitor and WIN.

justilou1 · 07/11/2018 23:58

DO NOT DELETE A THING FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!! THIS IS CRAZY!!! You need records of this harassment!!!

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