Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

No, you shouldn't be made to feel like that. Her behaviour is even worse as she knew you weren't going to be available - make sure your solicitor makes a note of that.

I do wonder if, for some reason, your dh now has a SW himself and she is it. She certainly doesn't act like a SW for Mini, and it would make more sense of her. In which case, Mini needs her own SW doesn't she. Grasping at straws there though, trying to make sense of the bitch!

Let all this give you the steel to keep fighting. Your SW is crossing deeper and deeper into the realm of unprofessional behaviour. You have the text and the phone messages. You informed her that you would not be available and she has still done this. It's all ammunition for your formal complaint. Let her take the rope and hang herself, just stay strong.

When did she first ask for that date? Because if it was today then that’s ridiculous as she knows her own work schedule and if she wasn’t available to supervise she would be contradicting a court order!

Also you are entitled to attend your medical appointments and not be harassed whilst doing so!!

I am 😲 at this SW behaviour and I think it is obvious that she is biased. And not only that actually setting you up to ‘fail’. You need to make sure that your solicitor is available for the next court hearing and if she isn’t apply for an adjournment.

Keep fighting cat you know that mini is worth it. And you are a good mum.

I’ve also had issues with mental health and that doesn’t not make me a bad mum. Neither are you.

Honestly I think that if she was any way a decent human being she would realise that she is over invested and ask for your case to be reassigned. What happened to “I’ve found you a new house and I’m so excited!” That wasn’t that long ago. Your ex is a master manipulator and he has done a number on her.

It's not for her to supervise, it's just for weekly contact.

She asked me on Monday but I said I needed to clarify the position of the court order with my solicitor. Solicitor offered to email SW to make it clear.

I haven't even received the actual interim order yet as it'll come in the post 7-10 working days after the hearing.

I thought you said that she had to supervise the first 3? I could have read it wrong. I’ve been on the phone to the council and getting nowhere whilst also posting, so forgive me if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick!

She does but she's saying that she only has to supervise 3 and not the first ones.

Which you can’t confirn until you get the interim order.

What if you go to your appointment. He has access and takes mini to hers (or more likely doesn’t). It’ll prove he either is willing to do the grunt work of parenting or is prepared to ignore her health needs (not a good parenting example for a man seeking full custody).

My solicitor has the Draft Interim Order basically a piece of paper with her colleagues scribbles on about the discussions and that says that the Local Authority are to supervise the first 3 contacts and then it is to happen weekly after that but I've said to my solicitor that I'd like for it be only if we can fit it in, otherwise he could say the only time he's available is Wednesday morning and I'd be breaking the order to say no because of her swimming lesson.

It's the fact she's making threats. Basically told me I either let him see her weekly or I'm obstructing contact no matter whether it's in DDs best interests or not. How can I be obstructing contact and putting her needs first if contact can only take place when she has an appointment?

The appointments are at the same time by the same HCP, there is literally no way he could do this one.

I am happy to let him do one of the lesser important ones like her eyes (her eye condition is stable and I have no concerns about it so if she missed an appointment to prove a point it wouldn't be the end of the world).

Because honestly contact shouldn’t be at the exclusion of ongoing activities.
She has an appointment? If it’s his contact time he takes her.
Swimming lessons - he takes her.
It isn’t supposed to be a jolly away from real life, being a parent means sitting in doctors waiting rooms, sports halls, school chairs. It isn’t all fun and games because being a parent is all the boring stuff too.

Ok so move the time of the contact. Say the appointments are in the morning then offer afternoon contact.

Swimming Lessons are done through Nursery, so I pay for them on top of the fees but Nursery take her to the lesson and bring her back to the Nursery again afterwards. Parents are only allowed to attend on one Wednesday a term when they have an open swim.

He has to have supervised contact and courts have said it has to be supervised by his parents so if his parents are only available Saturday morning then he can't have contact at any other time - the SW is basically saying that he has to have weekly contact and if the only time he can do it due to his parents availability is during an appointment then the appointment gets cancelled as that takes priority over the appointment. Remembering the SW says she doesn't have a delay so must think it's just routine doctors or dentist appointments that I can rearrange.

My nursery didn’t do swimming, I did it as an extra curricular (you’re nursery sounds fab!).

Honestly if your SW thinks that paediatrician’s, OT’s, Physio’s etc just randomly keep seeing children for no good reason she must live in a cave. And no, sorry but if an appointment is on ‘his’ time, he needs to take her to it. No children’s service will discharge a child with needs if they miss an appointment and to be honest if he misses them then it’s points in your favour. They will be rearranged and also the consultants and HCP’s will able to provide evidence that only one parent brings mini to her required health appointments. It’s shitty but maybe necessary because otherwise you are providing evidence that you are obstructing access. I completely understand why you want to be at every appointment but please try and look at the bigger picture.

And if he does take her and then says he refutes their diagnosis, well then you have even more evidence that he is unable to safely parent.

But she will suffer if she misses an appointment. Maybe not the lesser ones like eyes but thinks like paeds or SALT missing one appointment can make a massive difference. And letters say that due to demand in the area if an appointment is missed the child will be discharged and you'd have to be re-referred which can take weeks.

Actually legally they can’t do that. Once under specialist care they have an obligation to provide services and report to social services if a parent is deliberately making a child unavailable for appointments. (I used to manage an LD service for a county so I do know the law). Also if you ring the next day and explain that mini did not attend because it was court ordered access and her father did not take her.

Ultimately the court will expect him to behave as a responsible parent, therefore withholding access because he might not take her will be frowned upon. However if he actually doesn’t take her, he will shoot himself in the foot. It’s not an easy choice to make but you have to show he can’t meet her needs and doesn’t have her best interests at heart (only his selfish ones).

At Minis age she still has years of neuroplasticity, years to develop and grow. Right now pre school if she misses an appointment or two to prove her dad is a useless article it will not make a discernible difference in the long run. But it might make a difference over the courts opinion of you as a parent ‘obstructing’ access and him as a responsible parent. Just step back from the emotional protective tiger mum (which we all are!) and have a think about it.

But how will that work with supervision? And also some appointments take all day and are 20-30 miles from home? What am I supposed to do if he wants his two hours slap bang in the middle an all day appointment? Would be a bit awkward for me to leave her if she's half way through a test or x-ray or something.And I can't leave her in the middle of a conversation with her consultants or whatever.

She has regular x-rays that take 30 mins because its her chest and she won't keep still.

I'm not trying to stop him attending, a) I can;t stop him as he's on her birth certificate and b) I wouldn't want to anyway. But I just can't see how your idea would work.

Can you not say you have the appointment at x.

Do mini's first and then have him outside waiting to collect her and then do yours alone?

Or do yours private and then say he can come in at x time when it is mini's turn so he can then be in on her appointment too?

It would show you are trying to be flexible. Up to him to accept that.

at least you have everything on voicemail and text.. proving the bias of the Social Worker.. give it all to your lawyer..

Ok an all day appointment with investigations is different than a SALT, OT etc appointment which is usually 30 mins - 1hr max. I think if it’s a full day investigation job then absolutely say no, and discuss alternatives. If it’s a ongoing treatment then I would allow access but expect that (and make it clear) that she an appointment she needs to attend.

Do you see what I’m saying though? She has needs. If you always say no because you know he won’t take her to appointments then you aren’t proving he won’t. In the courts eyes it looks obstructive even though you know, I know and everyone on this thread knows that he is useless. Sometimes you have to suck up a short term loss for a long term gain.

And you need every up to date medical report you can get to prove that she has needs. Your SW is boiling my piss and I’ve never met her!

Those ones are the ones that you rearrange

Had an email back from my solicitor.

She says I can't stop him attending appointments and as long as I've informed him of when and where he can't say he didn't know but they are in my contact time as the order states that all contact takes place in his home.

That's why the SW is saying I'm obstructing contact because if Mini has an appointment when he wants contact I'm technically breaking the terms of the order.