Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

You know that she's safest with you, you know it.

You see I don't, part of me thinks I'm deluding myself because let's face it most days I feel like I'm keeping my head above water, and everyones saying "oh but he's a good dad" "he's no risk" so I think I imagined what happened to me, I think that I am the one who made it all up, even though my friends tell me that they knew I was being abused they knew something wasn't right. Heck most of them are offering to speak to the SW themselves about it (1 of whom is a former neighbour and was so scared when she heard him kick off one day that she called the Police but by the time they got there he'd gone out threatening to kill himself again). But I keep thinking I made a mistake, that I actually am stopping him seeing his child, I actually am evil and the abuser. He told me he used to lie to people about me, say I was lovely and kind and funny but he used to say that was all lies and I'm evil and one day people will see me - he told me my own mother didn't like me and was using DD to make herself look better at work (how I have no idea he never explained it to me).

The Social Worker actually said to me today she doesn't believe my doctor. My doctor said I'm fine, confirmed I have been attended appointments with her, and says she feels I'm mentally stable. When the SW tells me I've lied to my GP (who by the way is 43 years old with over 20 years experience as a GP and has a PHD in womens mental health) I think I have because that's what I've been told I've done.

So no I don't know she's better with me. I know that I question every meal I give her; is it health enough? Is there too much salt? Should I have let her have a glass of squash with that? I know I question myself everytime I give her calpol or I put "magic cream" (sudocrem) on a grazed knee because does she really need this? I know I feel guilty every time I put my favourite chocolate bar or a bottle of wine in my trolley at the supermarket because all money should be spent on those that earn it first and I don't work.

I know I cry everytime I think about the fact that people think I've ruined his life by reporting him to the police. Was that excessive? Are people judging me for that? Should I have just done what I've always done and forgiven him?

I was planning to leave him before the incident in March because he was refusing to get himself sorted out. Did he find out? Is that why he attacked me?

I tie myself in knots. And all I see around me is people believing him and that just makes me question myself further, because am I really so blind that I can't see my own faults?

This may be a silly question but is the Social Worker actually a registered social worker? Family member had no end of issues with a social worker's report for CAFCAS - massive inaccuracies including reports of meetings which did not occur, and when we checked discovered she was not a qualified social worker but some sort of child social work assistant.
Get your evidence lined up ( Pead report, GP reports about her and you, statement from nursery, Mini's social calender) and also complain to the Ombudsman and Registration authority and children's team leader . She is not neutral.

Daisymay2 How would I even check she's an actual SW?

What you have gone through is making you question yourself but it’s because you care so much too... again, PLEASE don’t give up.

I agree with those saying make a complaint about that social worker... just try not to let what she is saying get inside your head... there are people who are bad at their jobs even if they have qualifications.

Mini has a lovely mum, you are doing the best you possibly can for her x

If she is a Sw in England she should be on the healthcare Professions Council register
www.hpc-uk.org/check/
You select social worker on the professions box and then her surname. I think you can earch by locality as well.
Family member had problems with the non social worker who wrote the report who tried to make diagnoses themselves and did not agree with a Consultants diagnosis. Also contacted CAMHS to give her opinion on family members non existant MH issue. I do hope this is not the same woman.

There is a woman listed with her name on that register Daisymay2 and although it's not our authority name it's the next one across which my town sometimes falls under so assume it's her.

CatLady, what I said is true. Mini is safest with you.

Of course you question yourself, most mums do (and dads, come to that), and that's part of what makes them good parents - that includes you.

It's the abusers who don't question, because they know they are right and everyone else is wrong. You and I know they are deluded.

Your ex is deluded.

Your SW has been deluded by ex, suborned and corrupted by him. She is not doing a good job. She is outrageous saying you lie to your gp, in implying that your gp couldn't possibly tell the difference between a patient.

It is so unlikely that it is nigh on impossible that all these agencies and people and authorities can all be deluded. No, they are not. Two people are deluded, the SW and your ex. That's it.

You are the person dd is safest with.

... between a patient who is lieing and one who is not I meant.

Just searched the previous SW and also the disabilities SW. The first SW we had appears on that register oddly in my actual authority, although my current SW says she's spoken to her so not sure if the two authorites could have some overlap due to my town being between the two?

Disabilities SW isn't on there, at all

Contact whoever it is, and send in every inkling of evidence you have saying shes bias, there is abuse on his part not yours, police reports, the whole shebang

It seems unlikely that your town would be covered by two different authorities. Maybe your file got transferred to the other authority when you thought you might be moving into a place there? I remember one place fell through, didn't it? Maybe you're actually being seen by the wrong SW. That would be nice.

Once you've had a bit of sleep and it's a new day, maybe you could contact CAB again, and WA, to ask if there's anything you/they can do to help with this SW and this next hearing, to pull it back towards fairness.

You still have weeks.

Yes, he's going to wreak havoc on Mini's routine, but that is also playing against him. Keep notes, ask Nursery to keep notes for her behaviour before Contact and after. Diarise everything.

CatLady as a mum of three I can categorically state that I have felt EVERYTHING you wrote in your earlier post. Its called being a loving and caring mother and if you weren't a loving caring mother you wouldn't feel this way.

So no I don't know she's better with me. I know that I question every meal I give her; is it health enough? Is there too much salt? Should I have let her have a glass of squash with that? I know I question myself everytime I give her calpol or I put "magic cream" (sudocrem) on a grazed knee because does she really need this? I know I feel guilty every time I put my favourite chocolate bar or a bottle of wine in my trolley at the supermarket because all money should be spent on those that earn it first and I don't work.

None of us on here know you, we only know what you have written but please please believe that your love for your daughter comes shining through in every single post. Please keep records (including dates and times) of what this (barmy) SW keeps saying and give them to your solicitor. I have a relative with first hand experience of barmy SW but yours seems even worse!

I bloody love my SHL

She’s said I am not to contact him and she is emailing his solicitor and stating that all contact is to be done via them. The only need for us to contact each other is in an emergency. If he wants contact he needs to speak to his solicitor who will speak to mine who will then contact me - she says we make it as difficult as possible without being difficult

Also means he has to give sufficient notice of contact to take into consideration the tooing and froing over it.

She says he can’t just say “I want her now” because that’s not in her best interests.

She’s also going to email the Social Worker and say that if she wants to make threats to me she is to say them to her and not me. She’s also going to ensure she knows that the interim order actually says that Mini lives with me and has supervised contact with her father until a decision is made - and that she should be supervising the first 3 contacts.

She also says she believes me.

That matters to me because sometimes I don’t feel believed.

Sounds like she's coming up trumps for you. And all of us on this thread believe you too.

Just got Mini from Nursery and I am so so proud.

She's worn pants at Nursery all day with only one tiny accident

Love your SHL too now. TBH, I was beginning to worry she was a bit useless, but perhaps that was just her not being present when you needed her and now she will be. Great news re her plans over contact, and so glad she's not afraid of upsetting the SW.

I do think that you could benefit from contacting the people Gemini linked to anyway.

Well done, Mini!

I think my Solicitor is also hoping he'll run out of money. It's costing me nothing but he pays for everything to do with it, I reckon he's already spent £2k just on solicitor and initial hearing.

So far it's cost me £100 for the initial consultation and that's it. Any letters or emails she sends are covered by LA, any phonecalls I need to make to her I email her and she'll call me so the company she works for pays.

You get LA, does that mean that your solicitor, or the Law Society or someone has evidence you were subject to dv?

Jux I get it for financial reasons anyway due to DD getting DLA and also CTC. But yes she has a letter from my GP that says I was the victim of physical and emotional abuse from my Ex-Husband and that documents are held on my medical record about that.

*She being my solicitor

Fantastic news lady... keep fighting

See? It's always worth keeping up the fight!

Yeah, your DD gets DLA... and yet the SW says there is nothing wrong with her. What is going on with this woman?

But now you know you have to keep fighting. People are fighting with you. You will have deep lows again - just don't let them make you give up. Tell yourself this too shall pass, because it will.

Great. Your doctor has evidence, the DWP has evidence. Why on earth does this idiot of a SW keep coming out with crap she does?! How can she possibly justify it?

Get a copy of the police record, going right back to basics. Ask your solicitor to keep it on file and maybe make a notarised copy of it. Add it to your complaint against the SW. She needs to be doing a different job.

Now's the time for ensuring you have as much written evidence as you can get. Don't rest on your laurels, help your SHL do the absolute best she can for you and Mini. If that includes completely discrediting the SW then all to the good. Get your paperwork sorted.