Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

Mini has such a sense of humour.

She has a boys flat cap that my granddad got her before we knew she was a she. She's wearing it! With a purple tshirt and jeggings.

She looks a picture!

Sounds seriously fab, she'll be a style guru!

Going from a tiny 11 in second hand TV to a proper 22in computer monitor it's the best thing in the world. Proper HD screen, it'll take a bit of getting used to.

Cousin was getting rid of his computer monitor and offered me his for £5.

That's the only size increase I need

Bloody Social Worker, turns up unannounced again. And has nothing nice to say to me.

I feel awful.

She's told me it's my own fault ExH got the contact he wanted. And she'll be recommended that I don't co-operate with her and that Mini go to her dads. Solicitor says they have a lot of power and they will probably follow her recommendations .

Solicitor says we can use the fact he never attends appointments, or ask for her, or contact Nursery but his solicitor may say that I stopped him even though there's no evidence I ever have, I actually sent an email to the Nursery when we first split saying "If he turns up at Nursery DO NOT prevent him for taking her". She says that his solicitor may say that he was scared of me, even though he abused me.

However judge may not even read the reports, just hear the Social Workers recommendations.

The system isn't fair. How am I being made out to be the abuser? Why is it I did everything I should, reported him when he hurt DD, had police out to us when he attacked me, and yet everyone believes him.

OP have you made an official complaint about the Social Worker ? have you initiated a complaint with the Social Services Ombudsman ? Her behaviour and opinion will have a detrimental affect on all your lives forever.. you must speak to someone asap.

www.frg.org.uk/about-us

maybe an organisation like this could help ...

I have started to write a letter of complaint about the Social Worker.

I don't have the energy to fight right now. I am going to spend my last weeks with my DD.

Clearly someone thinks he's the better parent, maybe they're right. I've never been good at this - I know he'll use it all against me.

So I give up.

this is appalling...I'm so sorry OP

Please send your Complaint to the Ombudsman not Social Services.. they will protect their own..

Social Worker is also saying the 7 day rule no longer applies, so basically he could text me tomorrow morning and tell me he wants her that afternoon and I'd have to let him see her.

How is this allowed?

Use the family rights action group to help you put the complaint in, you need to do it asap

I give up fighting, I don't care anymore.

I've done nothing but try to protect her and it's clearly not good enough. It's better for her that I gracefully accept that her dads the better parent and just fight for my own contact with her.

He’s basically got it that if I refuse contact I look bad, because he has to have weekly contact so if the only time he can do is when she’s at Nursery or got an appointment I have no choice but to rearrange that or I will look bad in court.

Social Worker said it’s my own fault. And it’s his right to have her whenever.

So he could email me tomorrow morning and ask to have her tomorrow afternoon and if I don’t see that email I look bad in court for not having seen it or let him have her. How on earth is it in her interests to be suddenly taken out of nursery without warning? I know nursery isn’t as important as contact but I financially lose out if he takes her for random afternoons, the whole point of the 7 days notice was so that if he decided he wanted her a random afternoon I had enough time to say to nursery “he wants her Tuesday afternoon so can I send her Thursday instead?” Therefore she still benefits from nursery and i don’t lose out financially but the nursery need 7 days notice of any chances as they have to produce a weekly register and sort out staffing etc. So basically he’s making everything as awkward as possible. It’s on the interim order so I have to follow it.

So basically he will be as awkward as possible to make me look as bad as possible so he can say “she’s stopped me seeing her for x amount of weeks” and therefore he’ll get custody and there’s absolutely nothing I can do as he wouldn’t compromise in court and as it’s not in the order theres nothing I can do. My solicitor says we can’t even take the interim order back to court as it’ll take as many weeks as we’re waiting for next hearing to go before them.

She suggested asking the social worker for him to be reasonable but as she’s on his side she’s agreeing with everything in the order and saying it’s my fault he got contact.

So I give up. He’s won. It’s not what’s best for my girl but no-one seems to care.

You care.
Nursery care.
GP cares.
We care.

And ultimately, dd will care.

Contact fgr.org as linked to by Gemini a few posts back. PLEASE. Do it tomorrow. If you do nothing else all day, do that.

Here's the link again www.fgr.org/about-us
Freephone: 0808 801 0366
Between 9:30am and 3pm.

You can do this, CatLady. Phone them. YOU CAN.

Thats the wrong link guys its
Www.frg.org.uk
The one you've just posted takes you too a random german page

it works fine for me. I just clicked it ...

has anyone else tried it ?

I clicked the one Jux posted, not the one you posted Gemini, Jux's link sent me to a german site lol

aahh sorry I thought you meant me lol oops

I've got an urgent meeting with my solicitor tomorrow afternoon, as I've called her saying that I want to give DD over to ExH and she's told me not to do anything til we've had a chance to regroup.

I do really like my solicitor, of the 3 I spoke to she's the one I felt would represent my interests the best and she has a good success rate with custody cases (something ridiculously high like 75% which considering it's often dependent on circumstances and individual parents I thought was quite good it was the highest of the 3 I spoke to). She's also met DD (one of her requirements was that she met the child/ren in question if they are living with her client so that she could remember them and they're personalities in court negotiations) and of course DD won her over with her cheeky smile.

You must reiterate to your Lawyer that she needs to fight the bias shown by the Social Worker... because ultimately the SW Report will be the highest profile document in Court.. it's a difficult job.. but Social Workers can be wrong.. they can get personal and they can make mistakes... they are only human after all... so please ask you Lawyer to make sure that your SW is remaining objective and focusing on the best interests of the Child.. and not the interests of the family that shouts loudest .. simply because its easier for her to let them win ..

Also you need to ask your Lawyer to have someone find those Domestic Violence Reports that prove you have been a victim.. that is paramount to your Hearing.. and proves you are no fantasist..

and your Lawyer needs to ask the Court to issue a Contact Order.. stipulating contact where when with whom... the current idea that your Ex can phone anytime without notice and take the Child is not appropriate and should be written into the an Order.. for your sake as well as your Exes... then everyone knows where that stand... no surprises and no outrageous demands...

I'm likely not terminology accurate but your Lawyer needs to address these issues fast on your behalf...

You need a sharp Lawyer....OP..

Do not be daft and sign her over!!
She needs to fight the social workers report, hell, screen shot your original post on here and send it in too

I think part of the issue is that it was her colleague who came to court with me, who works in family law and is a solicitor herself but her specialty isn't custody cases, and one of the reasons I chose my lawyer was because she would absolutely tell me if I was being UR whereas I don't think her colleague would have as her specialty means she's used to compromising a lot.

I know what I want. I think I'm going to ask my Lawyer to email his and state that I would like as much notice as possible for contact as it's easier for me to organise Nursery but no less than 5 days if it's weekend contact and 7 days if it's weekday contact due to the issue with Nursery or if he can't give 7 days I want financially compensating for the missed time in Nursery. The hourly rate is £3.75 so that times the number of hours she misses. And no contact can take place on Wednesday before 12.30 as she goes swimming with Nursery and this is a non refundable class that she is only missing if she is ill (I have reorganized all Wednesday morning appointments and the majority of her consultants were very understanding so if they can be then ExH can be when it's his child). Is that unfair? He gets his work shifts 3 weeks in advance so technically he could tell me now for the next 3 weeks, but he won't to be awkward. I also think I need to make sure she resends the email address I've asked him to contact me on because he tells the Social Worker he's emailed me and I can show he hasn't but we were friends for a long time before we got together and he may have a very old email address and be using that to be awkward again - not sure if I can ignore emails sent to the wrong address (I have 3 for 3 different reasons; one for ExH to sort contact, one for spam or marketting, and then one for day to day use I use to contact family on).

I also need to find out how long contact is supposed to be for, as it doesn't state on the interim order, so technically he could ask for overnight.

I also think I need to know where I stand in terms of him actually getting custody. And make sure that the Social Worker is actually going to do her job.

All that and applying for Legal Aid too, going to be a long afternoon.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I thought I c&ped it but clearly not. The phone number's right though isn't it?

Please please CatLady, don't give up. Im agine living any length of time at all where Mini is living with the man who hurt her. You can't give up yet. Get onto Gemini's link, phone them, do it tomorrow. Please!

You know that she's safest with you, you know it.

I haven’t posted on your thread before but I would like to say you sound absolutely lovely and it’s so obvious you love and care for your little daughter... please don’t give up x