Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

You really need to get in touch with the paediatrician who provided Mini's diagnosis - clearly the SW has the facts completely wrong. When that falls down, so do a lot of other things, so get that letter from the paediatrician! It will be in Mini's medical records and you have a right to see those under FOI.

It still won’t change the report. It’ll just go to the judge with an amendment saying “amendment dates (date)” then confirmation from the paeds about her diagnosis. It’ll still say on the report that I am over anxious about a none existent delay - I’m not sure it’ll make any difference at this point.

I’m seriously considering giving her up on my own terms and just fighting for contact with her - it’s not letting him win it’s protecting both of us as he’s already said he keep taking me back to court until he gets what he wants or worse, he’s threatened to take her from her nursery before. If he wins I know he’ll stop me from seeing her. Maybe it’s better to accept defeat now and preserve what’s left of my integrity.

Let him think he’s won, he’s already telling people I was the abuser. Maybe it’s better to let people think I was and see her on my terms where she won’t be removed from the nursery she’s so happy in, where I can see her every other weekend and 2x a week plus all her appointments - at least then I know she’s getting the support she needs.

Of course it'll make a difference!

The first report says "over-anxious about non-existent problem" and the amendment says "Very senior relevant person says condition exists", so completely undermines the first report. At that point many other things in that report (and any other reports from that person/agency) are also undermined.

Then you get gp's report which says "CatLady is in fine fettle with no need for MH services, I have no concerns" and Nursery report says "Mini is a fantastic little girl and her mum is doing a fab job", which further undermines any report from SW.

Then there is police report re DV, which undermines ex's declaration that he is wonderful....

CatLady, 10 weeks. The best thing you can do for Mini is keep fighting and get all that in writing and submittable.

Agree with Jux - if they get the impression you're giving up, then what sort of message does that send.

Ten weeks.

I agree with Jux and kaitlin. The report contains many factual inaccuracies - and you have the evidence to rebut them. So put that into play. Prove the SW is wrong - all these contradictions will make her look biased and sloppy and will cast doubt on the original report. Judges are not stupid.

Please don't give up! I know it must feel like an impossible mountain to climb but you bloody show them that you are strong and you won't be intimidated by them! (You are way stronger than you think you are. We can all see that).
Show mini that you fight for what is right. Even if he gets 50/50 (let's hope not) then at least you can hold your head high knowing that you did your very, very best.
Please don't give in and play into his his mother's hands. KOKO 

It's in Mini's best interests that you fight this to the very end.

Hi cat lady I’ve read your thread but posted before. So the worst that they can come up with is that you are an overprotective mum. That you are obstructing access to a parent with two dv incidents logged and another against his own child. That you have mental health problems. That your dd’s physical problems are fabricated.

Your dd wouldn’t be attending the amount of appointments that she is without a medical condition this can be proven with reports from her consultants.
You must have documented evidence from social services stating that only supervised access was recommended.
Your own Gp supports you as not needing anything other than primary care for your mental health needs.
Dd’s nursery reports on a healthy, happy child with a supportive mum.

There isn’t enough evidence to remove her from you. You may have to accept access rights that you are not comfortable with. Mini would not benefit at all from losing you from her life. You have to fight. Print all emails and evidence of threats from him and his family. Get all the medical reports you can. Keep proving that you are doh g a good job and keep fighting. Don’t let that bastard beat you after how far you’ve come.

I have all her medical notes right up from when she was born, some of the earlier medical reports are listed as “Baby (Maiden name)” as we didn’t get married until she was 10 months. All notes are in order of conditions diagnosed and state diagnosis date, consultants or in some cases Nurses name, hospital or clinic she’s seen in and also for a couple the date she was discharged from them. There’s also the discharge letter for when she fell down the stairs in April.

Social Services report for the first incident he harmed her. And I can get the nursery home incident forms from the second incident although I lied on them to cover for him. I didn’t report the second incident as we already had SS involved and I was scared I’d lose her.

I’ve reread the SWs report I got yesterday and it does state there were two further incidences involving the police prior to March - one in which ExH threatened suicide, the other in which the police report states I repeatedly said “he’s not ever hurt me or Mini” and there’s a note next to it from the PC who attended which states she thinks it may be a household where DV is taking place between the adults doesn’t say in which direction but the way it’s written and the things I’m reported to have said make it obvious. Surely I can use that?

I would say yes. Also could women’s aid provide an expert witness? Most victims of abuse deny and deflect. It’s normal behaviour for a person who is being abused.

Get every single shred of evidence you have and present the lot. Every action you have taken, every decision has been with one over riding precedent - to protect mini. Not to hurt him but to keep her safe.

I left my ex when my dd was 18 months old. She is 8 soon. He still has four hours supervised access weekly. My family supervise as SS wouldn’t facilitate it and if I were to allow unsupervised I’d be negligent and she would be on the at risk register. I understand how fucked up the system is.

I also have had long term mental health problems resulting from my relationship. I was also flagged to social services through an A&E admission (me not dd).

The one thing I have never messed up is being a mum. I’ve sought professional help, I’ve used all of my network of family and friends, I’ve learnt to swallow my pride and ask for help when needed.

To me that’s a sign of strength not weakness. You have done the same. You are tackling your anxieties, you are taking yourself out of your comfort zone because you know mini needs to expand her world. That makes you an awesome mum.

Don’t stop fighting, never stop fighting.

I haven't actually spoken to my Women's Aid Support Worker for a couple of weeks as Women's Aid lost their funding in my area so they're no longer operating as such but work under an umbrella organisation who we weren't sure whether I'd get the support, I'll ring her on Monday if I can find her number, if not I've got her WA email address hopefully that still works or at least redirects to her new email.

I've been told that I have classic symptoms and hints of a woman that's been abused. I don't think I play the victim at all, but apparently even without me trying it's obvious.

So I start emails with "Sorry to disturb you" even if it's that persons job to deal with the query so for example the finance manager at Nursery I needed to ask about funding and how it works in holidays, it's her job to know, her job to answer queries but I still said "sorry to disturb you".

I also justify myself a lot to people I don't need to. So I met a friend for lunch yesterday and I told all about why I'd chosen to spend over £100 on swimming lessons for DD, and she said "Cat, you don't need to explain it to me, I'm not judging you or your parenting"

I also have a habit overthinking everything to do with ExH because he's made me believe I am the bad guy and that he's so much better than me.

Yep they are all classic signs. You are used to being controlled and made to justify yourself. Therefore you need to seek approval from others because your ex isn’t there to do that anymore.

It doesn’t happen overnight but eventually you will start to have self belief. You will trust your own judgements. You can be a grown up adult mother and be ok.

You are already doing it! You just want someone to say you are making the right choices. Trust your gut. It’s bloody scary being a parent. Being in charge. Even worse when you’ve had the independence worn out of you by an abusive ex. But you are making the right choices and being a good parent.

Hell I’ve rung my mum tonight to discuss Xmas presents for dd and fair an opinion on what’s best. I’ll make make my own decision but sometimes you just want another adult to talk to. That’s normal!

For not fair

Zofloramummy My granddad bought my DD a tablet for Christmas, very generous of him, he told me I could pick one. I offered him the money, and I asked him 5 times after if he was sure he didn't want money for it. Ex made me believe that I take advantage of people.

You don’t, it’s your family and they want to give nice things to mini, there will be loads of apps you can download to help with her education. Reading eggs is good.

They are doing nice things because they love you and mini, not because you are taking advantage

I’ve downloaded loads. I kind of want to give her now a because I’m still convinced I’m going to lose her and he can forget me sending a £150 tablet with her as he’d only sell it (he always used to say that he needed more money and more free time) and b because I know some of the apps will help her now

Wait until Xmas, she’ll enjoy having a nice present from you/grandad. Don’t give up yet. Gather all your evidence and talk to the solicitor

You are not - NOT - taking advantage of people, especially not your grandad, who loves you and Mini and wants to help you both and give her a real treat at Christmas.

You are NOT the bad guy.

I'm not in the UK so I can't be helpful on how the system works there. Just want to send you good thoughts and strength. Please don't give up the fight. It's not over 'til it's over. And it's not over yet!

Oh honey ... You need to know that this is kind of a diary for you, and I think all the dates are on here as well. You need to go back through your previous posts. You have so many fans here, we can probably do it for you, babes....