Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

That's a shame about the social worker - but I am encouraged by the two charges he has - they sound serious. Surely they can't just be dismissed as not important. How can he be considered a fitter parent than you are. It's beyond my comprehension.

I see what you mean about the head of the stairs now - but wouldn't the bed be too high up?

Good thing about Christmas Day.

That's my concern the height of the bed! She's only just got used to her single bed and stopped falling out of it and she's had it a week today. But I am sure the Social Workers on his side.

My solicitor just emailed me back (that was quick) and says the best we can now hope for is 50/50. She thinks basically my MH problems even though I'm sorting them out, cancel out his violence.

50/50 would be a disaster. How on earth can a small child have any sort of routine when she's passed from pillar to post. Plus how on earth will her appointments work if he won't even be in the same room as me? Surely he can't say any on his time are his responsibility and I can't attend, that wouldn't be fair. I don't go because I am overanxious or trying to police things but because I want all the information in order to help her - there's been over 20 appointments since we split in March, I don't think it's fair to now only be able to attend 10 of those, particularly as which 10 do I attend, just the ones he can't do or 10 random ones?

He's also saying he only works 20 hours a week, and they are now set shifts. I am not allowed to do anything to prove otherwise even though I know he's working double that.

He's doing this to control me. If he cared about DD he'd contact the Nursery, attend appointments, ask about her when I say she's ill. Instead he sits on his backside and waits for me to do it all.

How is 50/50 best for Mini?

She thinks basically my MH problems even though I'm sorting them out, cancel out his violence

I can't believe we live in a country where this is what the courts think!
Presumably, if he is working longer shifts than he says, he will get his parents to look after her then?

I am sorry if as your solicitor says it is looking like 50/50 - but you do have to remember that a little while ago you thought he would be the RP and you would be just seeing her EOW and once in the week. The routine will be difficult because it doesn't sound like he will have her on the same days each week - it won't be best for her, but despite the fact that they say they act in the child's best interests, they don't seem to be.

Yes he won't have her the same days each week from what I can tell. I will try and push for that.

I've said all along no-one cares what's best for Mini, or what I think, it's all about him. If he gets either 50/50 or full custody he'll lord it over me about how he took me to court and won. He'll do everything in his power to keep hold of her longer to "punish" me. He will alienate her from me as he has already - since last contact she's been saying "I'm going to live with daddy", but no-one cares because I'm the one with MH issues.

I think I have no chance as Social Worker is saying he and his parents don't pose a risk to me, and keeps saying I have no support network despite having the contact number for my mum and I've shown her texts from my friends inviting us to playdates etc.

No-one care's about Mini, it's all about the fathers rights. I know after 21st January the next time I see her she'll be an adult whose come to find me. I hope she knows I fought for her and always did my best

*pose a risk to Mini

I think you need a stronger solicitor. Can WA advise you on that? When will you be allowed to submit evidence?

Make notes of things that Mini says, like she's going to live with daddy etc, too, as this may help illustrate parental alienation.

This is the third solicitor I've spoken to, all of them have said there's a chance he'll get Full Custody.

I've told cafcass what she's been saying and Nursery have said she's said it there too, so it's not just my word for it.

You know the phrase you get on here "People who lose their kids can never accept they're in the wrong" maybe that's me, I'm just in-denial

CatLady I have followed all your threads and messaged before that you are amazing and strong and incredible. That still stands.

I have no experience or advise to offer but wonder if its possible for you to focus on short term, little steps for now? Yes the bastard has got his own way (partly) but Mini is still with you for 163 hours in a week - the strength and positive parenting she gets from you will have way more of an effect that the 5 hours of crap she gets from him (or his parents!). It will be incredibly hard but can you focus on yourself for those 5 hours, maybe take in a yoga or meditation class? If he sees that his games aren't affecting you it will become boring to him.

Can you ask nursery to document any changes of behaviour from her having contact with him? I'm sure someone can advise better if it would be a good idea.

Don’t usually post photos but this really made me happy!

The last photo was Minis attempt to draw lines on her own. The middle one is the one she did with her keyworker holding her hand. And the first one she did after the middle one on her own with no help!

Not much to some as they usually do this worksheet with the 2-3 year olds and Minis 3 and a half but I’m so proud.

White blocks are where I’ve removed her name.

She's a clever lass - not surprised you're proud!

I've started a letter of complaint about the Social Worker. I realised last night that she's never really been on my side.

The way she speaks to me is exactly the same as ExH used to "You're not fine" "You're not ok" "You're too anxious" making me doubt myself. It's almost like a lesser form of Gaslighting which ExH was a master at (he would call me evil and say I was abusing him). She's also told me I am very clever and I know exactly what I am doing - I just wish I'd noted down dates and times for this now but it's taken this long to wise up. There's been times where I've come away from meetings feeling really depressed and like I'm the problem when my solicitor keeps saying yes I've had problems with home conditions, but I have improved them (she's seen the before photos and been to my house so seen the "after"). She also made me feel like she was trying to catch me out and prove I was mentally unstable. I've also been told by the Nursery Manager that she's been having meetings with the SW and Family Support Worker without me present when I had been led to believe that nothing would take place without me and also I still have no clue what these meetings are for which seems to be a common theme. I don't have things explained to me. Take the contact issue a few weeks ago, they made me look silly in court because all I wanted was an explanation as to why it was taking place, where it would be, who would be supervising and how long it was for. When I asked these questions I was told I'd already agreed to this and that it was now taking place - they decided to take DD out of Nursery for it without me knowing. Thankfully the manager stepped in and said she wasn't comfortable with anything going ahead without me knowing. In court they said I'd given permission then removed it after speaking to my solicitor - I remember saying "I'd need more information before making a decision" in a meeting where it was discussed but not saying "Yes". If I question this they say they explained everything to me and I agreed it - but I'm not stupid I know what I agree to, I always read all the T+Cs before signing anything so I know I wouldn't have just said "yes" without understanding exactly what was happening.

I've also been told of two more meetings taking place in December which I can't attend due to appointments for DD - apparently they're going ahead anyway.

I just feel so out of the loop and also like I don't know what's happening. Quite often the FSW and the SW will contradict each other. So one will say I can have a shelf in my flat which is high up where Mini can't reach it which I don't have to keep tidy and the other will say "No you can't".

It's not about the Social Worker believing me as I never felt she did, it's about what's best for Mini and I never felt she wanted what was best for Mini and only wanted what ExH wants.

I've CCed in my MP (who I wrote to before regarding the housing issue) and also my solicitor. Not going to send it yet though as I want to get the Section 7 out of the way.

Great idea CatLady - make sure your complaint is factual, to the point and with as little emotion as possible. Use bullet points rather than paragraphs - they are easier to read and more likely to be taken notice of. Apologies if you know all this

Does feel almost like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted though.

I can't help feeling a bit hard done by that he stamped his feet and got his own way. I can't believe how much people are buying his poor me act. I told my solicitor what I wanted she went to ask for it and came back say no he wants x, y and z so we compromise and give him x. She went back and said he is only offering x, y and z so we'll take it to the judge. Sat in the court room said we'd tried to compromise and the judge without even looking up said "Let the applicant have the contact he wants when he wants" and off they went

Definitely the bad parent tonight...

Told Mini if she could clean up all her toys by the time my phone alarm went off (3 minutes) she could have a full sized curly wurly...she did it though!

That's not bad parenting CatLady thats inspirational! I believe that the skill of parenting is knowing how to adapt to each new situation that your little darlings provide - and yes sometimes thats every minute of every day!

Bad parenting would be you shouting at her to do it and standing over her while she did it. you made it fun and rewarding!

Dates for SW could be back through here love. Might involve a bit of trawling, but there might be some! X

Feels like yet more criticism.

Just had to sign for a letter from Social Worker, seems she has nothing positive to say about me. And has also sent a copy to ExH with my medical information on it when I specifically asked her to blank that out on his copy and said I was happy if he wanted the same for my copy

She's basically said everything that ExH has said to the courts, that I'm overanxious, that I hold DD back and that I obstruct contact. FFS. He will use this against me.

I give up, no-one wants me to keep her clearly

Well at least I now know why ExHs solicitors said certain things in court. Social Worker has it down that DD has no medical issues and I am over anxious about a none existent delay

I’ve been told by her Paediatrician she has a diagnosis of Global Developmental Delay but I don’t have it written anywhere. Need to get a letter or something I think.

Your Lawyer must believe in your cause ... in his Client.. which is You... I don't think you've found the right Lawyer for you and Mini yet lovely.. I'm so sad that the system that should protect a you is being used to undermine you .. I'm stunned at this turn of events .... please don't give up...

Gemini69 thanks but I’ve pretty much given up hope of keeping her. I’ve got a social worker doing the section 7 who isn’t on my side who says I’m over anxious and an Ex-Husband who thinks he’s the victim and happily lied to the courts about the violence that apparently didn’t exist. I’m sure the Social Worker doesn’t believe I was in a DV relationship,

I’d lost before he even started court procedures.

do you have grounds to appeal this decision ? with the view that false information was given as fact ? is there any route of appeal possible OP

Can’t appeal until a decisions been made but I’m not going to have Mini passed from pillar to post it’s just not fair on her.

While it’s unjust and I could fight it she’s my priority. I will get the facts changed if I can but the original reports without the amendments get submitted to the judge alongside the amended version, so it’s still there.

I think I have to accept that life’s not fair. And just hope he doesn’t abuse DD like he did me. I’ve got 10 weeks until the final hearing so I’m going to do everything I can for her so hopefully she has some memory of me.

I’m not giving up per say but just re-evaluating whether he’s worth the fight when he’s got a Social Worker whose doing all their reports believing I’m mentally unstable - my solicitors already wrote to my doctor asking for a report as she doesn’t believe the SW will ask for it. Unfortunately my solicitor can’t speak to my support network and I doubt the SW will as she keeps saying I don’t have one.

I know the next time I see her she’ll either be an adult or I may never see her - he will use her to “punish” me for leaving him and he will always shout about how loud he’s won.

So 10 weeks. What can I do with her over the next 10 weeks to make sure she remembers me?