Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

999 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/07/2018 17:47

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Queenofthestress · 13/10/2018 15:12

It was a very lovely picture too!

pointythings · 13/10/2018 21:10

Don't ever believe you are anything other than a really great mum. And now that you have a SHL, your fight will be easier.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/10/2018 16:03

I still wonder what other people see that I can't.

I don't feel like a good mum, but Nursery, and the professionals involved with Mini seem to think I'm doing ok. I feel like I do what any other mother would do. And I keep thinking it's only a matter of time before they realise I'm actually not that good and they take her off me.

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/10/2018 17:33

CatLady it isn't surprising that you have zero belief in yourself. You've been living with an abusive partner and that has consequences. Add to that the fact that being a parent means always doubting and second guessing yourself (I still do it and mine are teenagers!) and it just makes it hard to see yourself through all that.

If you can bring yourself to believe the experts, that's a good start. These people see you and Mini all the time, and they know what they're talking about. The rest will come in time - quite possibly a lot of time, but give yourself that. And also listen to the people on your threads.

Jux · 14/10/2018 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binglebong · 14/10/2018 19:35

I would be far far more concerned at any mum who thinks there is no room for improvement and they get everything right. No one is perfect, everyone has doubts. Doubts are good.

We're none of us with you to see for ourselves but from what you have said, and from what experts around you have said, you done one hell of a lot of good things and are raising a happy healthy little girl.

Jux · 15/10/2018 12:30

Quite. No- one is perfect, no-one gets things right all the time, sometimes you do sometimes you don't and s9metimes you do something to be really proud of. We are all learning and practising all the time.

It's the ones who aren't doing that, the ones who think they're already perfect and have nothing to learn who are dangerous.

Jux · 15/10/2018 12:33

Back when dd was small, I had a friend who would say to me, time after time "aim for good enough. Good enough is good enough." If only I'd had MN back then .....

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/10/2018 18:30

I am the worst mother.

We've lost DDs elephant. The elphant that absolutely goes everywhere with her, the elephant that went down to her operation with her.

We've searched the flat but I think we lost him on our walk earlier. Mums walked the route we did and popped into all the shops/businesses on the route to see if he's been handed in but he's not.

She's absolutely distraught and I don't know how to fix it. She's 3 for god sake I should of been making sure she was taking care of him...

I've posted a message on a local Facebook news site and got to hope someone has got him...

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/10/2018 18:47

Just keep watching Facebook. It's really good for found soft toys, happens loads round my way. Don't give up hope just yet.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/10/2018 19:14

Unfortunately ExH and his family can see the post so I know it'll be used against me Sad

Arghh why am I so stupid sometimes?

OP posts:
Binglebong · 15/10/2018 19:29

Soft toys often get lost. Worth posting a thread to see if anyone has one so that he went on holiday.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/10/2018 19:31

I have a spare Binglebong but she never took to him, always knew it was a different toy even when they were both new. No idea how! Even now she won't take the spare says "it's not mine" so he sits on the shelf wishfully watching his much more loved brother.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 15/10/2018 19:32

If they try to use it against you it will highlight their pettiness. Honestly, this kind of thing happens. The fact that you are working to make it right is far more important (and looks a lot better than them moaning!).

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/10/2018 20:12

The post has been shared including by Minis Nursery who’ve offered for it to be handed in there if the person doesn’t want to be known to me/Mini.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/10/2018 21:23

ExH just text to say he’s taking the dog for a walk and will keep an eye out for the elephant. No nastiness, no snide comments nothing. I’m not sure this is the same ExH Shock

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 15/10/2018 22:20

No one absolutely no one will hold the fact that a 3 year old lost her toy on a walk, even if it was her favourite one. It means you've gone on a walk, you're not sat in the house all the time like they've made out, it means she's getting fresh air and you're encouraging her to walk not holding her back.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/10/2018 00:09

Someones replied to the Nursery share saying she thinks someone's picked up the elephant and posted they've found it. The manager has then replied from her personal account asking which site she saw it on as if necessary she'd go and pick it up herself, but the orignal commenter hasn't replied yet. I so hope we've found it.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 16/10/2018 01:27

Fingers crossed.

pointythings · 16/10/2018 07:51

My fingers are crossed too.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/10/2018 09:54

No luck with the elephant yet, it has been shared quite a bit and it's a small town so surely it's got to turn up soon?

Had cafcass interview on the phone this morning as I moved it forward due to appointments next week and I just feel so awful with it. Told her everything about what had happened, admitted I have depression and anxiety, told them about him returning her late, the aggression from his dad. Said how he never asks about her, how I keep him up-to-date on everything. I admitted home conditions haven't always been perfect but thanks to MN I've found a solution that works for me and I am maintaining the standards (mostly - there are a few things I still struggle with but to me their minor - I clean the toilet daily but it's stained with limescale I keep forgetting to buy the stuff to try and get the stains off but it's not a huge deal to me, and certainly not a major worry). I said I have support from my family and friends, and that I feel there is a lot of positives.

She hasn't spoken to ExH but has to the SW. Apparently none of that is relevant as I've stopped contact and I've been obstructive. Apparently the courts will look at everything and may suggest she goes to live with her dad despite him having MH and hurting both DD and I in the past. He refuses to accept that he's done anything wrong, constantly says that what he did wasn't that bad and from what I can tell there has been no evidence he's received help - but apparently low level neglect and emotional abuse (not sure how I have emotionally abused my DD!) is worse and more damaging than physical abuse and witnessing aggressive outbursts.

I told you this was the last time she was going to live with me...I've emailed my solicitor to ask her opinion but I'm now not at all hopeful. I'm basically been made out to be the abuser Sad

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/10/2018 10:22

You have your SHL onside. You have evidence. One clearly biased sw will not sway a judge. Don't let this throw you into the pit again. Even your elephant retrieval efforts will count in your favour.

Jux · 16/10/2018 14:04

I lost dd's favourite toy, well she dropped it and I didn't notice. She was 6 mo or thereabouts. Luckily I could get a replacement.

Same thing happened with her fabourite toy (a different one) when she was 3yo.

It happens. Sometimes you're lucky and get it back, sometimes you can replace it, sometimes your child has to live with the loss and remember to hold on a bit tighter.

It's devastating at the time, I know, but it is really part of life. The only way to 100% avoid it is to never take a toy outside - simply not practical.

Your SW is, well, there are no words.

Queenofthestress · 16/10/2018 14:50

Its all relevant
All of it
I have experience in this, you have good reports from nursery teacher & manager, the doctor and proof your mental health isnt affecting mini. You've tried supervised contact, he didnt return her as promised, and his mum is a nutbag.
He's got a police report for violence infront of DD, you have a record of threats he's made, he's not done his anger management either.
This doesnt look good for him.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/10/2018 15:44

I did say that I didn’t think unsupervised contact was suitable and that we’ve never really got past the first step of contact, if he’d have had her regularly, stuck to my rules and her routine then returned her on time and I felt that the Social Worker had seen evidence that he was trying to prevent this happening again id have reduced the supervision. As it is I feel like I’m doing this 100% alone and no-ones recognising that. I feel like everyone’s trying to catch me out and prove I’m a risk.

Solicitor replied to my email saying that due to not technically having Cafcass in our area it may well be the social worker who carries out any investigations or reports. I’m screwed Sad

OP posts: