I struggle massively to fit in with big groups of people

[skittleboy]

I'm not shy as such, I just cannot fit in with a group of 3 or more. E.g. if I go out for a meal with 6 friends everyone is talking, laughing and joking together but I'm just sat their awkwardly, not saying anything and not sure where to look. I feel completely disconnected from the group. I wish I could get involved with what they are talking about but I just can't. I can't explain why, even to myself, I just can't.

I wish that someone from the group asks me a question about the subject they are talking about like 'Do you have any pets?' then I can say 'Yes, 1 cat and 2 tortoises'. That gets me involved. But that rarely happens. And it's not peoples job to do that anyway.

It's not that I don't have anything to talk about. I go out all the time on countryside walks and other social events. If I'm talking 1-1 with someone it's easy, I can talk for England and it's far less complicated.

I just can't do groups. It's not normal. No one else is like this. It's just me. And I hate it. What can I do?

My Mum says that the more I do it the better I will get but that is nonsense. I go out all the time and I'm still stuck in a rut.

Thank you.

I used to feel this way as an awkward teenager and in my early 20s. I then observed how confident, outgoing people navigated these situations and copied them.

Some tips:
Look people in the eye when speaking. Look at everyone in the group when you are talking so they know you are speaking to all of them, not just to one or two of them (or the table!).
Speak slightly louder than you feel comfortable with. Don't shout - project. People can't engage with you if they can't hear you and restaurants etc. tend to be noisy.
Ask questions. Any questions. Listen carefully to what people are saying and respond - even if just to prompt an anecdote ("So what did you do then?" "And what did she say?"). They will, generally, ask questions in turn.
When you are asked questions, respond in detail, not just "yes" or "no".
If everyone starts talking about something, join in. Show you are listening by looking at whoever is talking, laugh, make appropriate noises/gestures. Don't just sit there feeling awkward.
For me, the problem was that I was spending all my time thinking / worrying about me and not engaging with other people. As you can see from this thread, lots of people feel awkward and it's probably a lot worse in your head than in reality. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly now but I am a lot more confident.

Or we could all just stay at home

I just can't do groups. It's not normal. No one else is like this. It's just me. And I hate it. What can I do?

It's more normal than you think. I'm the same, always have been. Because I feel awkward around more than 1 other person, I just tend to avoid social occasions. Same with work, when I'm in a 1-to-1 meeting I'm absolutely fine and confident, but if there's a meeting of 3, I'm a gibbering wreck. I can talk for England with just one other person, but just can't cope with the dynamics of a third or more.

I’m like this too. I can bluff the big group situation better than one of my dearest friends can, particularly if I know then well, but it’s exhausting and they don’t get me on the same level as 1-1.

I also hate big group things. As a PP mentioned I find the conversations get boring and very superficial and I'm not loud or forceful enough to interject at the right moment. For these reasons I always dread work Christmas parties. I get on really well with my colleagues at work but I never enjoy the Christmas parties. Noisy, silly conversations and everyone talking over the top of each other. I'm trying to think of an excuse to get out of mine already!

Nothing wrong with being an introvert. I'm not shy or anxious but simply don't enjoy group social gatherings - I'm 47 now and finally have the confidence when invited to simply say Thanks but not my thing - I'm simply not one of life's joiner inners!

Phew I’m glad it’s not just me! After events like this I always end up saying to DH that I always get left on my own - conversations starts and people split off - the people to the left of me will become engaged in a conversation, the people on my right in another, and I’m literally just there in the middle like a lemon. It feels like there is no way I can just chime in as it feels like they’ve purposely excluded me (although rationally I know they haven’t)

Coming from a big family helps as that is how life is like all the time in a big noisy household. My dh is like you he cannot do it. He doesnt know which conversation to follow so tunes out. It actually exhausts him. He hates it but is excellent in a one on one. When we met he couldn't understand how l kept up but now we just accept we both have our own way.

Big group outing = 1 day alone at home recovery time for me! Dh is sent down the pub as I can't face even minor conversations with him.

@malteser yes! I also loved The book of silence (by Susan Sontag I think)

I’ve had very good Myers Briggs training and that was the turning point for me.
We were divided into Introverts/extroverts and asked to think of 3 questions to ask the other group. All the introverts put fingers on their mouths and looked up into the air thinking. All the extroverts started to . . . Talk!

The difference was so clear and striking.
It also made me realize that all those times I got annoyed with people who “speak before they think”. Now I see - they are thinking! That is their way.
And mine is quiet, and that’s fine. :)

@Joysmum are you my long-lost sister? I'm absolutely fine in work situations; I can give presentations and deal with groups of people, but put me in a social situation where I don't know anyone, and I'll be the one in the corner.

Me too! I absolutely hate the dynamics of a big group. You get people who want to be the centre of attention and control the conversation. You can't hear a word half the time.

I am quite a social person but I avoid large groups. If I have to go I stick to a small group if possible.

I'm already planning what to say to avoid the Xmas work party.

I'm exactly the same, it's like a processing thing, my brain is just wired differently and can't cope with the amount of input from more than about 3-4 people and I sort of shut down. It is frustrating and I wish I wasn't that way but I am.

@DasPepe
I haven’t read that one, I’ll have a look!
I’m an INFJ, and very HSP. I may not do well in large social groups, but I’m very empathetic, and soak up nuance. It helps a lot in my work as a GP, but I can only work two clinical days a week before I’m exhausted. I felt uncomfortable in my teens/ early twenties, and have the occasional wobble over the school mum cliques, but in general I like being me.

Oh, and this year I’ve openly told work that Christmas parties are not my thing, and I won’t be attending. They’re fine with it.

@GallicosCat
I don't see it as a problem, more like part of me, like people who don't suit bright orange or can't tan

I love this analogy, thank you, it will help me.

Me too!

I agree with what MalteserHound DasPepeand others have been saying about introversion.

I was such a revelation and a relief to me to find out I was just wired up this way.
Nothing at all wrong

Yes JaneJeffer we could all just stay home I usually do

I'm the same, I can be myself much more in smaller groups, I tend to be quite quiet in larger groups and then feel anxious about it .

At least it's not just me

Me too 😀 Much happier with one to one friendships, and don't much like big groups. It is normal for some of us to be introverts. Extroversion is currently the fashion and seen as the default, but there are and have been other times and places where a quiet or reflective personality would be valued much more.

I think everyone's uncomfortable until they force themselves into the convo... you have to push in.

@MalteserHound
For fiction I also thoroughly recommend “the wall” by Marlene Haushoffer. Which I absolutely love and everyone else seems to think it’s depressing (it’s realistic!)
I’m an ISTP but I think the P is down to work.

Incidentally I have had the odd occasion where I have enjoyed big groups but it’s much to do with the day/ how I Felt/ atmosphere etc and I did feel mentally exhausted too. I think when you are younger, alcohol can mask some of these symptoms.

I also agree that shyness/introversion are separate. I find that when addressing a group - the audience becomes “one”. Little details you notice with one to one interaction are lost. When addressing a group of 10 for example, my brain tries to establish a rapport with each one and hence, overloads.
I have never heard the term HSP. Will look up

If anyone is new to their workplace say from the get go that you don't like Christmas parties.

One of my colleagues established this year's ago and need never goes and nobody asks.

I think not going is frowned upon. I hate it but will go to avoid the questioning that follows. I will stay until the meal is over and then slope off asap.