I struggle massively to fit in with big groups of people

[skittleboy]

I'm not shy as such, I just cannot fit in with a group of 3 or more. E.g. if I go out for a meal with 6 friends everyone is talking, laughing and joking together but I'm just sat their awkwardly, not saying anything and not sure where to look. I feel completely disconnected from the group. I wish I could get involved with what they are talking about but I just can't. I can't explain why, even to myself, I just can't.

I wish that someone from the group asks me a question about the subject they are talking about like 'Do you have any pets?' then I can say 'Yes, 1 cat and 2 tortoises'. That gets me involved. But that rarely happens. And it's not peoples job to do that anyway.

It's not that I don't have anything to talk about. I go out all the time on countryside walks and other social events. If I'm talking 1-1 with someone it's easy, I can talk for England and it's far less complicated.

I just can't do groups. It's not normal. No one else is like this. It's just me. And I hate it. What can I do?

My Mum says that the more I do it the better I will get but that is nonsense. I go out all the time and I'm still stuck in a rut.

Thank you.

I’m the same. I just can’t get the cues right in a group situation. I also have problems speaking to people on the phone because I can’t see the body language.

It's not just you it's me too! The minute the group is big enough for more than one conversation going on at the same, I'm lost. I think lots of people are like this, some cover it up better than others. I go from outgoing and fun to quiet and confused.

I’m the same. I’m very sociable in small groups though.

I’m very upfront about it. My hobby involves doing things in larger groups sometimes and staying away. I warn people I’m like this and don’t go out for the evening meals and brief people that I need to escape to be by myself on acvadion so not to come and find me when I do.

People are understanding, I do better because I’m free to manage my anxiety as I’d like to, and the more I do it the more accepting of myself I am and so the better I actually get at group situations as a result!

All I can say is that I dont think this is uncommon. I am also the same. Im not shy....Im good at public speaking, and if for example working in a group I am happy to interject in a matter of fact way "No I think we should do this/yes do what X said". But in a social context not so good. Although I am also the same in smaller groups so maybe different. For me I think its because Im good at functional speak but not "chit chat". I dont know why not, but that seems to be the issue. I work in customer service and can give people good service, but my colleagues laugh watching me "do conversation" beyond my job role, I obviously look and sound so awkward. I am fine talking with family and DP but still maybe have different conversations to average.

So I dont think its that unusual. Like you I have hobbies where I get enough social interaction where I can talk to people better about the specific hobby, so personally I just have given up on the situations I feel awkward and excluded. It does mean I dont have many true "friends" because friendships tend to be based on more than just talking about sports (my hobbies), but again I dont mind as I am not too socially isolated. I also find it easier to talk about serious subject matters like politics and that sort of thing so am happier chiming in on those sometimes. But I dont know what Im supposed to say about someones car or holiday or whatever.

I should just add my anxiety is confined to social situations. I love public speaking and enjoyed taking the lead and working in large teams and busy highly pressured workplaces.

The contradiction between my work persona and my private one is stark and someone I struggle to reconcile

I hate it too. Especially if someone asks something and everyone else is listening to the answer. Alcohol helps a bit!

You sound like an introvert - there's nothing wrong with that. Why do you want to socialise in large groups? Could you make life easier by sticking to one on one/ small group situations?
If you do want to socialise with groups, perhaps a more structured event would make you more comfortable as you'd be given tasks to do independently that would also allow you to chat with others (e.g. Yoga workshops).

Yup, me too. And you know what they best thing to do is? Accept it, be happy with it, tell people. Stay away from situations where it is likely to happen wherever possible and if you have to do something that will put you in this situation, try and find a friend to rescue you from time to time. There's a lot of us about.

A lot of people think you're just fussing about nothing if you say it though!

I'm the same. Amazing 1-1, terrible in a group. Even with 2 people I'm less chatty.

I just cannot 'hold court'.

If I speak whilst in a group and everyone goes quiet and listens I feel myself shrivel into a ball. It's horrible. Not for me.

I'm the same. I remember one time my friend told me that a friend of hers thought there was something very wrong with me because I would clam up in large groups. it upset me but it made me realise that yes I'm not like a lot of other people when in large groups but I tend to just avoid those situations or if it's a group of people I know very well then I'm ok.

Me too - there's a lot of us about. In my case it's linked to hearing impairment, where I physically struggle to follow conversations where people are more than about 3 seats away from me, and to nasty low-level verbal bullying at school which invariably happened in gangs.

I don't see it as a problem, more like part of me, like people who don't suit bright orange or can't tan or have loud voices. In situations where you professionally have to deal with large groups, there's generally more formal structures in place, for good reason. I think it's not as common as we think to be at ease in a big group.

I hate the sound of a load of different conversations going on as well

I’m the same. I prefer smaller groups or one to one.

There are several reasons for this: I get distracted by noise and vision input. Literally, I get overwhelmed by there stimulus and my brain cannot process all the info and I feel like I’m not actually myself. I don’t have the processing powers to be myself.
I also suffer from dissociation in large groups and zone out. I have learned to keep focus but it takes a while to overcome.

I don’t think it’s so uncommon.

It's exhausting. I need recovery time after any group event.

Crikey me too! And here we all are all chatting together . Seriously though I am very similar to other posters; many people would probably describe me as confident, and quite talkative and maybe opinionated . But put me in a social situation and I seem to lose all confidence, even with people I know well and have known for ages.... it’s hard. Someone once told me to engage people with questions about them/ things that will interest them but I sometimes think that can be a bin nosey! I think the good thing is,we all know this and I guess it’s just practice, trying small steps to move out of your comfort zone each time we try.

Me too!

I always feel like a weird outsider in a group, yet I'm fine with just one person.

I don't think I'm an introvert because I'm fine about giving presentations at work.

Introversion and shyness are completely different things and the former most closely relates to what we are discussing here, I would say. Some of it may be due to a unwillingness to talk for the sake of talking, which can often be the case in large groups. But, at age 52, I care less about why and just accept it. If others can't do the same, so be it.

Wow thank you everyone. That's a massive response.

I'm surprised that so many people are saying they are like me. I never ever see anybody struggle like me. None of you must live where I live! A lot of people say that they struggle socially but it doesn't come across in any way. It's always just me.

Some people are telling me to avoid big groups. I do to an extent, for example I never go to nightclubs or music festivals because I don't like the big crowds and I don't dance because I don't have the confidence to let my hair down like that. But I don't want to avoid going out for a meals with big groups because I enjoy it and I want to go. I just need to solve the problem and I don't know how.

It's just me
Not it's not :) I too hate going out in group. I just can't mix and I just don't enjoy it. I'm late 40s and was like this as a teenager already.

What it is for me is a mixture of things. For one, I find it hard to hear. I've been tested, don't have an hearing problem except for one frequency, so either group talk falls under it, or my brain can't decipher was is being said.

I also find that is such group, there tends to me one leader/star, who takes the lead with everyone else lapping at everything they say and only talking to contribute to what they say.

And finally, I find that the level of conversation in group is very superficial, too often fuelled by alcohol. What is discussed is boring and could be talked with any strangers.

I definitely much prefer 1-1 get together and talking about deeper matters. The conversation flows between the two, and I feel I get a lot more out of it.

I have one friends group, which started just me and another, then grew to a 3rd until it became 4 or 5. I could just about cope then as often one couldn't make it, but recently, it's expended a lot and I can't cope with it so rarely join in except for the first hour or so. Bless them, they still invite me every time and don't hold it against me. I still regularly see one or another on a 1-1 and I can cope with 4 of us once a month or so.

It is how I am and they respect it, but we are all older!

There’s nothing wrong you! I suspect you’re just an introvert (like me!)

Those posters who talk about sensory overload are likely also highly sensitive people (HSPs).

There’s loads of us, you’re just unlikely to find us in large social groups. And it’s a different thing to giving a presentation or working in a group with defined roles (although those things tend to be more tiring for introverts too). As a PP mentioned, introversion and shyness are different traits, although they can coexist.

It’s not a good thing or a bad thing, our brains just process sensory input differently. Unfortunately, western societies tend to value extravert traits, so it can take a little while to get comfortable with being introverted +- HSP.

Reading recommendations:

Quiet (Susan Cain)
The Highly Sensitive Person (Elaine Aron)

Also consider doing a Myers Briggs test. It’s personality typing, and can be an absolute revelation in terms of understanding our own preferences and reactions, as well as group interactions.

There’s loads of stuff online about this. Also TED talks (if you’re looking at TED, watch Brene Brown whilst you’re there).

I used to feel like you. Now I understand myself better, I’m happy and comfortable being me. I socialise mostly one to one, and rarely force myself to attend big group events. I give myself as much alone time as I can to recharge (I have a people-facing job and a DS, so luckily DH is very understanding).

I'm the same. I'm very chatty one to one or even if there are a couple of people. In groups I tend to just annoy one person by sticking with them all night

Having said that I've got to an age now where I can sit quietly within a group and not worry about it or what people think. I like listening to other people chat.

OP, regarding group meals.
I try to get there early, before everyone is seated. If there are people in the group who know me well enough, I’ll just sit with them and they’ll include me in the conversation from time to time, or we’ll end up having a deeper discussion, which is much easier for me than making small talk. They’re used to me being quiet in groups, so won’t think anything of it.
If it’s a group I don’t know so well, I’ll try to sit near the end of the table, so I only need to make conversation with one or two people. Then I do a lot of active listening, which often leads to a more meaningful conversation. People are generally very happy to talk about themselves!
If it’s really not working out, I’ll make my excuses after the food is finished, and happily head home to my pajamas and a good book.

One of my best friends is like this. I love her dearly and we have brilliant conversations 1:1, but I hate being with her in a bigger group and tend to make sure I’m not sitting next to her . She is incapable of joining in with the group conversation and has a habit of dragging the nearest person into a 1:1 chat just as the group conversation is getting interesting.
Luckily, she is such a lovely, interesting person, she seems to have a great time at parties because there is usually someone there who is happy to chat to her alone

Personally, I love a good group chat - I have a group of old school friends and when the 6 of us get together we somehow manage to sustain about 3 conversations all at once, everyone chipping in with comments. I can see this would be some people’s idea of a nightmare!

I'm the same, and would also recommend Susan Cain's book "quiet".