The ex wife!

[Yelloworange1111]

Hey everyone,

I don't really have a specific question as such but hoping to share experiences with anyone in / previously in a similar situation.

My partner of 8 months (42) is currently going through a divorce following a 5 year marriage with 2 young children (4 & 2).

They have a decree nisi and are going through mediation to arrange finances.

The wife (37) doesn't like me at all which I expected - we started dating not long after they separated, and I have had a string of a abusive emails as well as grief off of her friends whilst out.

I also get the feeling she may have said to my partner I'm not meeting the children although he hasn't actually said this to me. I'd like to think at some point I will and we can have a 'normal' relationship. I'm 29 if that makes any difference.

We have a great relationship but I am concerned about his ex forever being an issue.

Any advice?

She wont be able to stop him from introducing the kids to you.

If he and you feel that she could withdraw contact with the children i would advise from him to get a court ordered agreement in place and when he is ready to introduce them to you she will have no say what so ever.

Try and leave this as long a time as possible and personally i would not do this before (6 months).

Tread carefully and be as sensitive to her feelings as possible.

i say this as the person who wanted to introduce my partner to my DD and her Dad was not happy. I told him that i was thinking of introducing them and he asked me to wait a little longer which i did out of respect and then i TOLD him i was doing it... unfortunately he did not treat me with the same respect but i was fine with it.

Neither party can put i stop to it BUT its much better all round if there can be some respectful communication about it

Yeah the last thing I want it to cause issues and stress in an already tense situation.

How long is 'normal' before being introduced? Like I said it's been 8 months now.

My partners concern is exactly what has been mentioned, that she will say he cannot see them when I'm around. This is absolutely fine at the moment & I respect that but I don't want to live the rest of my life like that (or until she moves on and decides it okay!)

You are involved in a complex situation and I think you need to be prepared for it to take a while to settle down.I would advise a friend to not get involved, lots of reasons for this...just pop over to step parenting board.

The youngest is only 2 so the relationship can't have ended too long ago and that suggests he has moved on quickly.

I think you need to focus your attention on him, how he treats his ex wife will show you the type of man he is. Don't believe the "ex wife was crazy" stories and its very important he to takes responsibility for his part in the marriage ending.

Everyone knows how tough life is with 2 young dc.
Did he just decide to bail when it got tough?

Remember he is still legally married so it's not wise you get involved with his dc as you don't know how long it will take. If it goes to court it could be a year.

You are quite a bit younger than him so he will have more life experience.Personally I would be cautious of a man who has left a short marriage with young dc.

Stay out of it.

Like it or not they are still married. You aren't his partner. You're just someone he's been dating for 8 months. Wait until their divorce is final.

I wouldn't be putting all my eggs in a basket with a still married man who you've only been dating 8 months.

If you don't want to live like this, then why did you put yourself in the situation with a married man in the first place?

Sorry i didn't see the 8 months part... I would have said that was enough time but with the kids being so small and the divorce going on i would leave it another few months.

If she stops contact he will have to go through mediation/court anyway it depends how difficult she wants to be which is crap and no good for anyone including herself. Do they have a routine of when he sees the kids?

Maybe she thinks you were a catalyst for the break up? Not saying you were but as you got together so quickly after they split up. I suppose that would explain her bitterness.

You're 29, involved with a middle aged man who has tiny DC? Run, run hard and find someone your own age.

I agree. When you meet someone so soon after they tell you they've separated from their wife, you can't demand that no bitterness should take place. They were married 5 years, they have two very young children, he decided to live when the second one was still 1yo, clearly not giving his marriage much of a chance and they running into someone else for comfort.

She might come around one day, but who knows when, you knows if you'll be still be with him by that time.

My stbxh introduced my two young children to his new partner and her children, he then moved in with her and had my 2 over night. They told me that daddy had moved in with a woman. It was emotionally hard but i had no choice but to suck it up!!
Its odd as she treats me with far more contempt than i have ever her!

Give it a bit more time maybe a year or so. Its respectful to inform the mother that you are going to meet the children.

They were married 5 years, they have two very young children, he decided to live when the second one was still 1yo, clearly not giving his marriage much of a chance and they running into someone else for comfort.

they were married for 5 yrs, no one knows how long they were together before this, you dont know who did or didnt give the marriage a chance

What grobags forever said

Best advice would be to spend some time reading the step parenting board and decide if this is actually what you want. It’s not easy. (Understatement) it’s probably the most difficult type of relationship to be in as the step parent. My personal opinion is that a lot of people would be a hell of a lot happier if they had stayed as a dating relationship with their partner rather than, rushing to move in, becoming blended and getting involved with exes and children. Honestly, it’s possible to love someone and be in a relationship with them without becoming involved in their lives with their kids and ex.

Thanks for all the replies

He’s never said to me that she’s crazy or anything like that. He doesn’t bitch about her. He just fell out of love with her some time ago and it couldn't it be resolved.

I’m not sure how I’m not his partner? We’re in a relationship and he is separated. You are of course entitled to your opinion. I’m sure lots of people don’t wait for their divorce to be finalised before meeting someone else, these things can take years in complicated circumstances. Also I said I don’t want to live like this forever. I understand totally that in the early stages it’s going to be hard. I’m just interested in hearing from others in my situation & how long it took etc.

Yes @notthisagain83 - he has them three times a week & would like more when she’s ready.

That doesn’t sound nice @whatiwishfor. I certainly don’t want to do anything that way & ideally (when everyone is ready), we can be civil.

Running hasn’t crossed my mind at all. We have a great relationship & I definitely don’t see him having two young children as a reason to not be happy with someone other than their mother.

He provides for all 3 of them and intends to do so long term which I think is great. Their divorce is very much in the final stages (she initiated it after he left).

This is a really great point. @AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale

I'll check out those posts too x

Focus on your relationship with him and leave his DC out of it for now.

Personally in his shoes, unless I had long term plans with a new person, I wouldn't introduce them to my DC.

You don't need to be a part of their lives. When the dad had them, he can focus on them alone.

Did you already know him, and how long after he left her did you get together? It all sounds very raw and with very young DC involved, one only a baby really. If you want to stay with him (personally I'd run for the hills) then it's best for you just to back off, leave him to it with his kids/ divorce etc and just date him. Don't get involved with the rest of it.

Their divorce is very much in the final stages (she initiated it after he left).

I do wonder why a lot of men are quick to leave, but don't initiatiate the divorce process.

It's not just him, but I've heard that numerous times. Husband leaves but drags his heels about divorce.

Could it be due to finances or wanting to keep the door ajar maybe.

Defirnetly read the stepparent board. You're 8 months in a d there's already signs of potential problems.

Her children are so young, they are exes babies still really. For you they are just your partners children so I would be understanding. Do you live together at 8 months? If not i would shelve it until it’s been a year (and he’s divorced). If you do, then you need some compromise that doesn’t kick you out of home 3x a week or have him stuck in a soft play for hours with tired miserable tinies because it’s Raining. But remembering they are her babies should be key for a while.

That's very good advice, thank you.

I think just staying out of that side of his life entirely for a little while is best.

We don't live together, no but have discussed it and were thinking the end of this year (which would make it a year).

If his ex still isn't ready then I'll just have to respect that and make plans for the days he has the children. Thankfully one of the days I'm at work anyway and the other is a weekend where I tend to see friends / make my own plans anyway.

He’s quite a catch isn’t he, 42 and with small children and a wife?
You could do better at your age

Even if he's not been 'bitching' about her you do need to be very aware that you're only getting his side of things. Including when they actually separated, and if he made clear to her when he moved out that he considered the relationship fully ended - a lot say stupid things like 'needing some space' rather than having the guts to actually say it's over - he may also have still been sleeping with her after moving out which also muddies the waters.

If you decide to stay in this relationship (I wouldn't) then you need to go very carefully - for your own sake as much as anything else.

I've seen this sort of situation and when it came to the crunch the person in your partners position went running back to the ex.

He certainly doesn't sound the most mature, dependable type. It sounds like he ran away from his marriage when it was going through a perfectly normal albeit difficult stage of transition - parenting. If you want DC you need to consider he seems the type can't cope with the stress that brings.

I met my partner whilst he was separated and it took over two years for the divorce to be finalised.. The divorce came through in November am due to be getting married next month..

8months I would say is short in relative terms but then again that is not up to her I would ignore the ex and treat it as though she is the past. Can't stop you from meeting that decision lies completely on your partner and no one else. Ignore and block the ex and as hard as it sounds think she doesn't exist and whatever you do try not to get too involved trust me it can get messy x

We don't live together, no but have discussed it and were thinking the end of this year (which would make it a year).

Could I ask why you would want to live with someone you’ve known a year, who ha step small children, at 29? That’s a genuine question. Is it to save money? What is your current living situation that you need to leave?

How did she get your email, did he give it to her?