The ex wife!

[Yelloworange1111]

Hey everyone,

I don't really have a specific question as such but hoping to share experiences with anyone in / previously in a similar situation.

My partner of 8 months (42) is currently going through a divorce following a 5 year marriage with 2 young children (4 & 2).

They have a decree nisi and are going through mediation to arrange finances.

The wife (37) doesn't like me at all which I expected - we started dating not long after they separated, and I have had a string of a abusive emails as well as grief off of her friends whilst out.

I also get the feeling she may have said to my partner I'm not meeting the children although he hasn't actually said this to me. I'd like to think at some point I will and we can have a 'normal' relationship. I'm 29 if that makes any difference.

We have a great relationship but I am concerned about his ex forever being an issue.

Any advice?

We have been in that situation. That’s why we’re telling you to run :-)

Honestly, there is nothing you can rationally do to make this easier or better, and that is why it is so hard. Your life is forever more in someone else’s hands.

So - run. Genuine advice that I wish someone had told me.

I was just looking to chat with people who may have been in a similar situation and had advice rather than a load of 'run for the hills' comments.

That's Mumsnet for you. You don't get the advice you want. You get the advice you need.

You think we haven't seen this? I have a lovely friend, beautiful and awesome. She's ten years down the road from you, stepparenting teens, no kids of her own, with an old man for her boyfriend. He didn't marry her and doesn't want any more children. She's unhappy but used up her youth on him. He's selfish and she knows he leaves when he's unhappy so she tries to keep him happy not herself.

That's why we're telling you to run.

@Changedname220 from friends it's that I shouldn't go to this bar or that event because she doesn't want to see me etc (all very childish).

From her its just hatred... "they are married have two children". I've had family pictures sent and messages that it's my fault she's miserable. I'm a monster. I shouldn't call myself his girlfriend. She retracts every time and has apologised and said she wants to be civil, it's him she hates etc but then it normally kicks off again at some point.

@MrsTerryPratchett that's awful, your poor friend.

What made her stay so long and not call it quits after year 1, 2, 3...? X

Do you want to have children yourself at some point?

@Saloubalou yes, ideally just one in a few years. We've obviously had that discussion.

Op - why did they break up? And sorry for asking - how long after they broke up did you two get together?

Because she had romanticized the situation. And he dangled possibilities. And then one day it's too late.

Wait and see what type of parent he is first. You’re in a better position than someone who is dating a childless man. You get to observe him in action before you decide he is a good person to raise a child with.

"No children weren't involved hence my comment that the consideration of moving in and the process should be handled carefully and slowly" yes that's why I asked - big difference DC being involved and not just for the DC.

"Doesn't mean that our relationship can't move forward though." Actually in some ways it does, because they have to be considered in what that looks like.

"That is the advice from the people who have been in a similar situation!" Yes - or seen friends/family go through it. Including being heartbroken not so much missing the guy, but the children they've come to care for.

"That's Mumsnet for you. You don't get the advice you want. You get the advice you need." Exactly

Lots of good advice (especially your finances affecting his divorce!) and like anything, I think it’s important to mull it over and be super honest with yourself and take what you need to.

The question of whether you and he want children together is a really important one and one you need to be certain on before you move in or meet the children. Eg are you going to want a child in a few years time and he doesn’t want to be a dad for the 3rd time at nearly 50 when his kids have just got beyond the very needy younger age??

Having dated with a very young child myself (well, not actually WITH my child obviously!!) and dated men with children, I think you absolutely have to meet and spend time with his children before you move in together. If the situation is too volatile for that to happen then you need to push back the date for moving in. The dynamic with the children has a huge impact on everything about the relationship and can totally change things. I’m so glad I very carefully introduced my DS to a couple of men as i Saw a different side to them which, while it was nothing awful, they were decent men, I knew would not work for my DS and I.

It makes total sense to me, since you're in the good position of having your own flat, to keep it and wait a white longer before moving in. You can still spend plenty of time with him and round at his but it allows you precious space outside being a stepmother, which as you've said yourself isn't a role you're rushing to jump into. It also (being cautious) stops your life having to revolve entirely around his kids when they are there - because that's how it is (and should be) when they're small.

If this is the right person for you, it's not going to be wrecked by waiting a bit longer to move in together, is it?

If you're happy, carry on.
I have a similar, slightly larger age gap between me and my husband. I waited 3 years to meet my husband's daughter. It was the right time of us. We are quite close in age so we treat each other more like sisters.
People would tell me not to get involved with someone who had "baggage", that I could do better, that the age gap is inappropriate etc.
We've been together 10 years and married for 5. He is wonderful and what we have works.
Nobody can really comment on your situation. Only you and your partner will truly know what's going on.

How long ago did they separate? It must be so difficult for her being left with such young children. Those messages make it sound like she was blindsided by him leaving and is completely heartbroken.

Indeed it sounds like she still feels that she is in a relationship with him.

Regardless of how things went she certainly shouldn’t be blaming and abusing you about it.

However this would set off alarm bells for me in terms of how he ended his previous relationship and whether he is one to work on issues when they arise or just up and leave without giving you any input or say...?

I was in a very similar situation to you... I was 28 and started dating a 42 year old colleague as he was going through a divorce initiated by his now EX-W " He had a 4 year old child the time...

5 months in to dating him I fell pregnant unplanned (pill failure, literally zero idea how it happened)... We were moved in together and I was 7 months pregnant by the time we'd been going out a year 😶 Now we have two kids and we're getting married, I have a great relationship with my (soon to be) step-daughter who adjusted brilliantly to the situation and guess what... we're happy!

We get lots of ongoing drama from EXW... Way more than I'd care to mention 🙄 Ot hasn't gotten any less aggressive on her part over the years, and it is INCREDIBLY time consuming and tough at times dealing with someone on the sidelines who's so consumed with bitterness... but we're a team and we take on these things as a single unit so its inconvenient more than anything else...

At the end of the day your partner isn't in a relationship with her anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️ How she handles that is on her.

Ignore the STBEXW as much as possible and try not to involve yourself in the drama that will inevitably come... concentrate on your relationship and eventually the kids when you do meet them... (and the final decision on that rests with him, not with her) If it's the right relationship for you, it'll work out regardless of what's thrown at you! Age is a number ☝🏼