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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ex wife!

116 replies

Yelloworange1111 · 25/07/2018 16:12

Hey everyone,

I don't really have a specific question as such but hoping to share experiences with anyone in / previously in a similar situation.

My partner of 8 months (42) is currently going through a divorce following a 5 year marriage with 2 young children (4 & 2).

They have a decree nisi and are going through mediation to arrange finances.

The wife (37) doesn't like me at all which I expected - we started dating not long after they separated, and I have had a string of a abusive emails as well as grief off of her friends whilst out.

I also get the feeling she may have said to my partner I'm not meeting the children although he hasn't actually said this to me. I'd like to think at some point I will and we can have a 'normal' relationship. I'm 29 if that makes any difference.

We have a great relationship but I am concerned about his ex forever being an issue.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Altwoo · 26/07/2018 19:41

Run.

It will only ever get worse. Don’t give up the best years of your life for this.

Graphista · 26/07/2018 19:46

Not bitter - experienced in the effect on my dd and having witnessed the effect on children of divorce inc friends my own age.

I've actually been partially looking at it from the perspective of op being my dd and being advised by me (I'm old enough to be her mother - just) I wouldn't want a dd of mine tangled up in this mess until matters were much clearer than they are now. 8 months is actually still very early days, and very much rose tinted glasses phase. I wouldn't want op moving in with this guy, getting close to the DC and it all going pear shaped, then it's a lot harder to disentangle. Not only painful for the DC but also the op who would have no claim on a continuing relationship with children she's learned to care for.

And yes - new partners, especially if cohabiting, finances are taken into account in divorce settlements.

My ex used that to postpone living with now 2nd wife when we first split - despite her being pregnant with his child.

He delayed the divorce generally in order to avoid pressure from her to remarry and tried to blame me. When I learned he was doing that I made it clear that was far from the case.

twiglet · 26/07/2018 19:51

I moved over 600 miles to move in with my OH who has been my DH for 3 years after 6 months!
Whilst I don't think a year is too soon to move in I do agree that you need to consider things carefully and ensure introductions are done slowly (before you move in together)

Graphista · 26/07/2018 19:52

Twiglet were there DC involved there?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2018 20:16

He doesn't make it through the hard bits. You're 29 with no children. You haven't felt destroyed by exhaustion as your two children decide to get sick at the same time and you've got no clean sheets because everything has been puked on. Gained weight and had no time to work out. Wondered how you can be a good mother, wife and employee and knowing something is slipping. Don't have enough sex. Don't have enough time. Don't have enough fun.

Some men bail at that point. Find themselves a younger woman who is less work. Some men stay and work and support and are rocks. You got yourself a bailer. Better stay young, fun and uncomplicated.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 20:18

I do think moving in with people a few months after meeting them is rushing. His children are people. They have real thoughts and feelings and not adult ones where they can see dad is happy and process the changes logically, they are small children who will be confused and possibly worried that you are their new Mum. Worried that they can’t say anything if they don’t like you. I mean you’re taking about moving in with people you haven’t even met yet! You have no idea whether you will even like them or get on with them. Can’t you see that’s a bit ridiculous?

twiglet · 26/07/2018 20:21

No children weren't involved hence my comment that the consideration of moving in and the process should be handled carefully and slowly

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:03

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale I haven't said any of those things. This is my original comment about moving in together-

"We don't live together, no but have discussed it and were thinking the end of this year (which would make it a year).

If his ex still isn't ready then I'll just have to respect that and make plans for the days he has the children. Thankfully one of the days I'm at work anyway and the other is a weekend where I tend to see friends / make my own plans anyway."

Where did you get a few months from? We will have been together a year

OP posts:
Changedname220 · 26/07/2018 21:05

8 months is nothing. If your in it for the long haul then it doesn’t matter having to wait longer to meet the kids. Keep out of it ! Seriously

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:11

@Changedname220 waiting to meet the children isn't a problem for me. Doesn't mean that our relationship can't move forward though.

I was just looking to chat with people who may have been in a similar situation and had advice rather than a load of 'run for the hills' comments.

I think I made it clear in my original post that wasn't what I wanted to do

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 21:14

Where did you get a few months from? We will have been together a year

How long ago did you meet his children?

Changedname220 · 26/07/2018 21:14

To be honest if it’s anything like my ex he was keeping me wondering if he might return whilst dating in secret hoping to line up a replacement. You have no idea what he was saying or doing with her between them splitting and him meeting you . Yes there are some bitter crazy exes about but women don’t usually go to town with absuive emails and their friends wading in without reason. Maybe have a good think why she’s being like this and stop thinking about your own needs and wants for a moment

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:17

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale I haven't met the children

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 21:20

I was just looking to chat with people who may have been in a similar situation and had advice rather than a load of 'run for the hills' comments.

That is the advice from the people who have been in a similar situation!

FWIW I don’t necessarily think you need to run for the hills, but that’s doesn’t mean you need to meet his kids and move in with them! You could carry on exactly as you are, dating him, enjoying the nice meals out, the lovely couple time but getting to retreat to your own childfree home when you like, not having to put up with toddler tantrums and toilet training and chicken nugget dinners and messy bathrooms and wanting to scream because he is being a Disney dad and not putting his children right when they’re rude to you. Honestly, you currently have the best situation, you get all the good stuff about being in a relationship without the shitty parts of family life with chidlren that aren’t even yours. Why on earth you’d want to take all that on and give up what you have is beyond me. Just carry on dating him, leave all the moving in stuff. I guarantee you will be glad you did in 12 months time.

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:20

@Changedname220 of course, that could potentially happen in any new relationship. Having spoken to her though I highly doubt she would fail to mention that.

I do consider how other feel in this situation however I came here to ask advice about me. Not to pass onto her!

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 21:20

I haven't met the children

Exactly, so you’re planning to move in at the end This year with people you will have known only a few months.

Changedname220 · 26/07/2018 21:23

Ok so what’s the abuse she’s sending to you and what’s the friends saying. That might shed some light on this

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:23

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale the children don't live with him. Like I said, the only time where I could potentially be around at the same time is a Saturday and if the ex felt that was too soon then I would happily make myself arrangements.

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 26/07/2018 21:23

Hey OP

I didn’t mean run in my post - it’s just having had parents divorce at a young age it is hard. These children have been through a lot. If you guys are in it for the long haul ultimately waiting a little longer to live together and meet them will probably cause less angst.

Doesn’t mean you can’t make future plans and move forward.

Good luck with everything.

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:24

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale I missed your previous post. Totally valid and great points!

OP posts:
Changedname220 · 26/07/2018 21:26

Quite frankly you are too wrapped up in you. You this you that and your wants. The idea of playing happy families with him and pushing the smiling laughing kiddies on the swings all starry eyed at weekends. You are talking about the feelings and emotions of other people. Two kids and like it or not their mother who will have all sorts of emotions. Break ups and divorces are two different kettles of fish. You really don’t have a clue

Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:26

@GinUnicorn thanks :) I know it won't be easy but I can't say I've seen many relationships that are. Even two people, unmarried, same age, no children!

I have a friend who's now husband has an ex wife and previous child and I've seen how how it has been on her but I know she wouldn't have it any other way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yelloworange1111 · 26/07/2018 21:27

@Changedname220 I have not once said I want to play happy family's and play little miss step mum!! Wink

Quite the opposite. I'm not sure you've even read my posts!

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 26/07/2018 21:28

the children don't live with him. Like I said, the only time where I could potentially be around at the same time is a Saturday and if the ex felt that was too soon then I would happily make myself arrangements.

It’s their fathers house! They are there 3 times a week (for now, that may increase!) you will not always be at work, you will be off when you are ill, on annual leave, bank holidays etc. Will you leave your home if you are ill because its his contact day and the ex wife isn’t ready for you to meet them yet?

Changedname220 · 26/07/2018 21:28

So what’s the abuse she’s sending you. You haven’t answered as I say it might give more of an insight

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