The ex wife!

[Yelloworange1111]

Hey everyone,

I don't really have a specific question as such but hoping to share experiences with anyone in / previously in a similar situation.

My partner of 8 months (42) is currently going through a divorce following a 5 year marriage with 2 young children (4 & 2).

They have a decree nisi and are going through mediation to arrange finances.

The wife (37) doesn't like me at all which I expected - we started dating not long after they separated, and I have had a string of a abusive emails as well as grief off of her friends whilst out.

I also get the feeling she may have said to my partner I'm not meeting the children although he hasn't actually said this to me. I'd like to think at some point I will and we can have a 'normal' relationship. I'm 29 if that makes any difference.

We have a great relationship but I am concerned about his ex forever being an issue.

Any advice?

Agree with saloubalou. When your young older men seem appealing but would they be in love with you if you were 50?

"I’m not sure how I’m not his partner? "

Because you are still in the very early days,, and you do not cohabit, he's a boyfriend and newish one at that. Partner generally means long term and established, and usually living together.

I think it is far to early for him to be thinking of introducing a girlfriend to his DC. If I was advising him, I would say definitely not until after the divorce is concluded, property dealt with and the DC have coped with all that part of the transition. Because their interests come first. And either he's serious, in which case waiting won't matter, or he isn't in which case it's better that they never meet you. The XW might be coming from the same place, IYSWIM, because she also thinks that it is in the DC's interests to delay until new arrangements are more settled.

So maybe a few months after you move in together, if that happens according to plan. But don't be in a hurry about this. If the DC are showing stress consequent to the upheavals in their life, it will be in heir interests for further change to be put on hold.

He’s quite a catch isn’t he, 42 and with small children and a wife?
You could do better at your age

My thoughts too. Why do want the hassle of an older man with the baggage of kids and a STBXW at 29.

I would have only considered this at early 40s if I was still single.

I’ve plenty of emails and don’t get a different impression from her on the situation at all. I’ve also known him for a while in a professional capacity. I’ve never doubted his separation. I’ve got no reason not to trust him and wouldn’t even consider a relationship with him if I thought he was lying.

Thanks @unicornandbows. Hopefully at some point things will settle. I’d much prefer to meet the children when both are ready to but who knows.

@awomanisanadulthumanfemale - I don’t think a year of being in a relationship is a short period of time. We have known one another longer. I own a flat and currently rent one. Everything else about our relationship is totally normal so it feels like the next step. The fact he has children isn’t a negative for him (not saying it’s a positive either). It’s just part of who he is. I’m sure if he could have made his marriage work he would. It would certainly be a lot easier!

@dirtybadger - no, she guessed it. Isn’t hard to work out a work email when you know my name

@auntiestella - partner / boyfriend mean the same thing to me

I don't actively want the hassle (trust me haha) but equally I've been in a long term relationship with what you seem to consider ideal for me (same age, no children or previous commitments) and he was a complete idiot.

I'm very happy in my current relationship. We get on really well, have the same goals and aspirations for life and like similar things.

I own a flat and currently rent one.

So you’re financially good on your own. You dont need to compromise your living arrangements (which is what moving in with a family is) out of necessity. You’ve nothing to gain from moving in with him but it could have quite a negative impact on your personal happiness, and on the children’s.

Everything else about our relationship is totally normal so it feels like the next step.

Do you mean you actually Set out to move in with a Man with children and this is the next step on your plan or just that you think that’s what you should do because “well everyone moves in together when they’re in love dont they?” (Hint: the smart women don’t- evidence: read the stepparenting board!)

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale

Sorry, didn't mean it to come across as I felt I should. I'm not a herd follower at all.

I'm really happy in our relationship and not afraid at all to be with someone who has a past.

I'd love for us both to live together when the time is right and 4 months from now doesn't feel 'too soon' to me.

I've had a look at the other board and it's hard to relate as most are talking about children who are old enough to understand. Being so young, my partners children have adapted.

On threads like this whenever pp you've only been together for a few months... it transpires the OP has known him for much longer. Were friends or colleagues before.

Why not say that from the beginning? Because it would look like you're the OW... Or at least had a part in the break up.

At the end of the day...only the OP knows the full truth. You know why she doesnt like you.

Why does a mentally stable person start sending abusive emails because you're in a relationship with their STBXH after she initiated the divorce and her friends give you grief. Are you in some small village or something?

What kind of friends just start giving grief to the new GF of their seperated and soon to be divorced friend?

I'm sorry...but something about you're story doesnt add up. I think you're ommiting some vital information.

If that's as I suspect...you're in for a rocky ride and she may well prevent or try to prevent the kids seeing you. She may stop them seeing their dad too if you are still in the picture.

@SandyY2K that's definitely not the case at all. I never meant for it come across that way.

I've got no reason to omit information on a site where I'm anonymous and looking for genuine advice.

Even tiny children can be affected if they develop a relationship with a new partner, get close and then (as can happen in the early days) it doesn't work out after all and they never see that person again.
Try to imagine if that was your tiny, soft little fluffy-haired baby still in nappies and you were imagining another woman caring for her that you don't know and did not hire as a nanny. Just after you'd had your life shattered by a separation, and now your ex seems to be off living the dream with her. If I was advising the wife I'd tell her to try and be dignified, but that her rage was totally natural and understandable. It's not about you personally; it's about the crap situation she finds herself in.

If your bf was footloose and fancy free, it would be fine and dandy for you to move in together already, but he's got some serious reponsibilities there. My bf has a young daughter and he puts her first at all times. It's a very attractive trait in a man, I find! When choosing a good point for you to move in together, it can't just be based on your feelings.

Can you not see how it doesn't make sense though.

Abusive messages, saying what? Accusing you of an affair?

What's the basis for the abuse? You didn't know her before did you?

@ravenmum yeah I completely agree. He's a great dad and has done more that most post break up to support his family.

I never imagined myself in this situation (it isn't on most people's tick list is it... kids, wife? Yep great! Sign me up!) but ultimately he's the person I want to be with so we have to find a way to make it work.

I don't want to rush anything or make anyone feel uncomfortable

My situation is similar.

I met Dp a few weeks after he left his wife. I had also just left my husband a couple of weeks before that. 3 months later we started a relationship. Stbexh hates my Dp and dps stbexw hates me. I have 2 kids with stbexh and do has one adult son with his stbexw.

My advice is to stay out of anything to do with his marriage or kids.

Do not move in together within a year together, that would mean that your dps kids find out about you and then see you move in with their father with 16 weeks at most.

There is no rush. Let this settle down.

Being so young, my partners children have adapted.

I don’t mean to come across as patronising but I fear it will do. However you are being extremely naive to think these children have adapted already to daddy moving out, let alone the introduction of a new girlfriend and then her living in daddy’s house. I’m sorry, but you have never even met these children, you can’t seriously know they have adapted. You’re kidding yourself. I know love is great and all that but take of the rose tinted glasses before you are in too deep. It’s very easy to tell yourself things aren’t perfect because you want them to be perfect but reality is usually different. Especially when children are involved.

It sounds like you want children.

These young kids will never be your children.

And step-parenting them would be relentlessly hard, given that their mother already sees you as the enemy. That is unlikely to change for a long long time.

Your boyfriend is being ridiculous and so are you.

Back off. Keep hold of your two properties.

If he really wants YOU then let him do the running...because you are the one in the driving seat here. I suspect he won't be bothered, or will meet someone else.

And you will have lost another 3, 4, 5 or 6 years putting off having kids of your own.

A year is NO time at all, no offence but at 29 it may seem a long time, it really isn't. ESPECIALLY when moving in could compromise you financially as well as emotionally, AND when there's children involved.

Also you say he'd have given his marriage a chance if possible - he barely gave it OR parenting really, a chance at all.

Working with someone, even dating them is nothing like living with them. He's not even divorced yet. Seriously you need to slow down.

No they haven't 'adapted' they're too young to understand what's going on! It's when children get older the problems become apparent. My dd was 2 when ex and I split and was fine initially, as she grew (and admittedly no thanks to ex playing silly buggers over contact) and realised she didn't get to live with her dad or even see him much, that he'd moved on and had a new family and each new child he and 2nd wife had, impacted on her in a hugely negative way.

Besides which - how the hell would YOU know? You don't know them and you don't know what it's like parenting at all.

Have to say I too am sceptical you had no part to play in the breakdown of the marriage and would be thinking that if I were his ex.

"He's a great dad" based on what?! He's barely been a dad at all - you don't have DC yourself, being a great dad means:

Making more than a passing effort to maintain the marriage
Not running off at the most difficult point of parenting (arguably, but certainly I bet he thought so as he hasn't yet parented teens)
'More than most to support his family' - do you mean financially? Because parenting is about much more than 'throwing money at the problem'

If you move in after just a year of dating you ARE rushing things.

Most people I know even in their first serious relationship didn't move in until they'd been together at least 2 years, usually 3-4.

You sound incredibly naive and somewhat immature - even given your age.

How do you know they have adapted well?

Is that what he says? How would he know?

My parents split when I was 2. I thought I adapted well. Didn't know anything different. But in my thirties I realised exactly how much their divorce had impacted me and shaped who I am, my concerns, years etc.

He can't say within 8 months that they have adapted well. He has no idea.

I assume since you knew him before he left, he probably surprised hee by leaving, then he got with you very quickly and you are talking about moving in etc, that his wife thinks you are OW?

No judgment, I have had it off dps ex wife too. We did meet just after they split. I left my husband around the same time. I didn't even set eyes on him until weeks later and didn't get together for a few months. She is convinced we must have met before then and been having an affair for ages.

If you were not the other woman then its very possible he was lining you up whilst he was with his ex. If he walked out on her he can do it to you too.

Sandy just to back up the OP's story, my partner has a very horrible ex that he had a child with. We met over a year before they broke up they were very young and she got pregnant very quickly (and "accidentally"). So despite them not having much of a relationship despite me not even meeting him until well over a year after they broke up - she went absolutely batshit at me. Multiple abusive messages on any platform she could contact me on, attacking me when I'm out. Some women do act oddly (to put it mildly) after a breakup. It's not out of the realms of the possibility that this ex wife is putting OP at the forefront of her anger.

With regards to moving in, I would wait and respect her boundaries. Everything is so raw from that perspective regarding the ex and children, then it seems a bit cruel to move on so swiftly. You will meet the children eventually as things calm down (although I do unfortunately have experience of it going the opposite way). I think most women are not like my DH's ex though, and it sounds like despite this woman being angry at you she still has her childrens best interests at heart.

If you are secure in your relationship, do what is best for him in terms of preserving a good relationship with his little ones and slow down a bit. You may feel it's the right time now, but if it is, then 6 months/1 year away will still be the right time. If you care about him in a mature and deep way then you will have his best interests at heart and you'll want to facilitate a positive relationship between him and his ex for the sake of the children.

Sorry for the terrible grammar! also obviously that should read we met over a year after they broke up.

There's definitely not been any over lap whatsoever in terms on our relationship. Her dislike for me is purely based on the fact that I am the new girlfriend.

Whenever she has had an outburst at me we've talked it through and the situation calms down thankfully.

I certainly don't want to push the situation and make anyone uncomfortable.

The comment that I clearly want kids is just totally ridiculous. That's so far from where my head is at with this situation.

@SilverDoe haha don't worry, mine is just as bad. I'm typing quickly x

@Hellywelly10 seems like a very risky move to leave a wife and children in the hope that someone you've never dated or been romantically connected with would be with you.

I don't actually have any question over his motivation.

It must be a horrible situation to be in being unhappy but not wanting to hurt your wife or your children

Does your bf also want to move in so fast, even though he's legally still in his last failed relationship? Speaking for myself, having just divorced the last thing I want is to rush straight into anything else binding.

The first relationship I had after separation was amazing, but after 18 months turned out to be quite a flash in the pan - cliché of the rebound! When you've just been in relationship hell, being all loved up is magic, and when you've lost the partnered-up future you imagined, it is so tempting when a replacement future is dangled beneath your nose. The whole mixture can be intoxicating and make the new relationship feel very special. But at some point you come back down to earth. You need to be very careful with your bf, who might well be a bit funny in the head at the moment!

Some women do act oddly (to put it mildly) after a breakup
I certainly acted out of character. I was obsessed with my own death. I was diagnosed as suffering from moderate depression. Not sure if that counts as "odd", though.

Were the children his attempt to revitalise a failing marriage, then? Seems a short period to go from baby-making to so unhappy the only way is divorce, otherwise.