The ex wife!

[Yelloworange1111]

Hey everyone,

I don't really have a specific question as such but hoping to share experiences with anyone in / previously in a similar situation.

My partner of 8 months (42) is currently going through a divorce following a 5 year marriage with 2 young children (4 & 2).

They have a decree nisi and are going through mediation to arrange finances.

The wife (37) doesn't like me at all which I expected - we started dating not long after they separated, and I have had a string of a abusive emails as well as grief off of her friends whilst out.

I also get the feeling she may have said to my partner I'm not meeting the children although he hasn't actually said this to me. I'd like to think at some point I will and we can have a 'normal' relationship. I'm 29 if that makes any difference.

We have a great relationship but I am concerned about his ex forever being an issue.

Any advice?

I haven't read all the replies so my advice may have already been said.

At the end of the day, she will always be in his life. Your dp and the ex have children together so she will never go away. Right now she probably feels threatened by you. It's all still raw for her. And it will be for some time.

I know that you are not an OW and I don't think there was any infidelity involved? But again, to her it will seem that like that in many ways. You have made him ' unavailable' and he's moved on, happy and has feelings for someone else.

The only thing you can do is give it time. That's literally all there is. That and don't get involved. If you get any messages, don't reply. Unless you feel you really need too and then just take the higher ground and try remember the wife is probably hurting. She's the one going through a divorce, not you.

As for the dc's, I'd say 8 months is an ok amount of time for you to meet the dcs.

However it is not a good time. Their mum and dad are going through a divorce. This won't be a good period in their lives. Being introduced to you won't do them any favours. If you are serious about your dp then you need to have his dcs best interests at heart from the start. That will speak volumes for you.

Can you imagine if they did meet you? And what it would be like for them to go home to their mother afterwards? I went through this with my mum and dad. Met dads new gf in the middle of the divorce. My mum asked me nothing but questions and put me in the most awkward of situation's. I expect the same will happen here and at the end of the day....the dcs have done absolutely nothing wrong. They will already be going through a shitty time and adjusting to a life without mum and dad together without meeting you and getting grief from it afterwards.

So please don't add pressure by wanting to meet them. It will all come in time.

Like I've already said, if you see this relationship going long term then put his dcs as your priority as there will be a time when they will be in your life. You don't want to mess it up by doing it all at the wrong time. The dcs will be vulnerable - remember that.

Good luck

4 year olds understand a lot. 3 & m4 year’s old is a key age where you know intellectually they comprehend things and so do they but they are unable to apply those concepts. Eg I know I’m only allowed one biscuit. But I know where the biscuits are and I want one. And they simply can’t apply the restriction because they could take a biscuit and they want one. It’s pretty difficult and gets them very upset and makes them look naughty. They understand but they find it very very hard to deal.

SilverDoe.. so nit just the STBXW acting abusive, but her friends too?

It's not normal behaviour...and that's a lot of people in a small circle to be acting like lunatics.

So either she's got something to be angry with the OP about/or she wrongly suspects this started as an affair or she's unstable ...with unstable friends too.

This isn't teenagers who go around saying you stole my friends boyfriend. These are presumably grown women giving you grief because you're in a relationship with their friends STBXH.

What kind of women are her friends? Not respectable ones for sure. It's one thing them possibly ignoring you if you're out with him...but giving you grief..why? That behaviour comes out of some loyalty if thet think a wrong has been done.

You haven't actually said what abuse or what grief the STBXW or her friends have dished out to you.

If she doesnt think you were the OW... what would her abuse consist of?

Not liking you as the new GF is one thing. Abuse is another.... and more than once.

Have you not thought of reporting her for harassment? Because if all I'd done is get in a relationship with a seperated man and I subsequently received abuse from his Ex ... I'd be seeking legal advice/ taking legal action.

It calms down and she does it again.
What does your BF say about it?

"It must be a horrible situation to be in being unhappy but not wanting to hurt your wife or your children"

It's worse I'd argue to have your husband up & leave you with 2 very young children to parent yourself, likely leaving you much worse off financially too. Only to then take up with a much younger woman very shortly after you break up and be able to have a fairly carefree life and new relationship with all the fun stuff and none of the stressors.

You need to consider the true measure of a person - any person - isn't how they behave when things are going well, but how they behave when shit gets real! Seems to me your man when shit gets real - runs away.

You need to consider NOT just this marriage, but all his relationship history. He's something of an older dad already - why? What happened in his earlier relationships? How doe he get on with his parents?

Because I have a feeling you've a Peter Pan on your hands.

Op have you thought about what you want in your future? Did you want children? How many? Does your bf want the same? Is your bf a high earner? Have you considered how your disposable income will be affected by maintenance payments? Which could affect the amount of children you can have together?

His ex will have had her world shattered, has 2 young children and going through a divorce which is a emotionally tough situation.
Throw into that her ex husband has just got a younger woman who is financially secure etc and it's the perfect recipe for her to lash out, be upset and have a go at you,to her your the other woman even though your relationship started after they separated. Just because your bf had fallen out of love doesn't mean his wife had. Sounds like she is dealing with a broken heart.

It doesn't mean that it's always going to be like that but possibly it will be, depends on how amicable the divorce goes. She will also think as a younger woman you're unlikely to stick around or your bf will get bored of his midlife crisis. I'm not saying either of these will happen but that's most likely the thought process so why would she want her children to meet and become attached?

Give it time and space, don't react to any emails and don't run straight to your bf with it either. Just ignore it and she will soon get the message that your not taking the bait. If you go to your bf each time with it he will eventually raise it with her and there is the possibility of her then using the children as weapons and making him choose which you will lose out on and it becomes a very messy situation.

As for meeting the children that's best for them to agree but be patient with it all.

There's so much to reply to! Thanks for responding and the advice.

I would never report her because what would that mean for her children? I understand why she would dislike me (for reasons others have mentioned) and ultimately her friends think they are just having her back.

It's definitely right to wait x

You might think these replies are shrill but let's say most of us have been around the block a bit.

Most of us are parents and are uncomfortable about a man who "fell out of love with his wife" and got together with his much younger colleague, whom he had known for a while, very shortly afterwards. Hmm.

All this when he has two young children, the youngest only 1.

Now you're talking about moving in together when you've been together only a year. There are exceptions to this but generally this is far too short a time before moving in together. As I said, many of us have been around the block a bit and learnt this the hard way.

Plus you're saying the children are so young they've adapted. Who says that - him? That would be very convenient for him to believe that - no guilt for abandoning their mother at a crucial time bcs he "no longer loved her". Hmm.

And these children, who have "adapted so well", will soon have to live with a stranger. Their mother is very upset - why would she be so upset?

Posters are accusing you of being naive - if they mean 'lacking in experience' then I'd have to go along with that. You are not experienced in these things, you have posted on a site where posters are experienced in these things - are you listening? You seem to have an answer for everything - sorry.

Your man doesn't sound so wonderful from here is the bottom line. You seem to think the stbexw is the difficult one in all this. Hmm that would be very convenient for him, that's all.

You seem to have an answer for everything

That's what I thought too.

I've seen so many of these scenarios and am probably rather cynical.

Those 2 and 4 year olds will grow up like the older kids on the stepparent board.

Maybe their mum will hate you less by then and things will be bliss.

OP blended families are fairly common now, so may be do some reading around this? Just Google 'blended families' and a number of books/articles will come up. I know people who have been in this situation and things haven't worked out, equally I know many where things have worked well. Just take it slowly, do some research and be prepared for some difficult periods during the divorce. Also be aware that people going through divorce on both sides can go through a 'mourning' period, this can be hard to live with, but it doesn't necessarily reflect on your own relationship. However, with any relationship no matter the circumstances it's best, in my opinion, to make sure you are able to leave if things don't work out. 8 months is a short time, but I moved in with my OH after a shorter period and we are still together many years later, but it could have worked out otherwise. Also check out what stage the divorce is at, if you move in together before a financial settlement has been reached, your income could impact on the settlement, and that could cause problems for your partner and for you.

I hope things work out well for you.

And don’t believe everything he tells you. Don’t be that person.

Don't move in with him until you have an established relationship with his dc. Do it gradually. Take my advice.

Once you have moved in with him and then start intergrating the dc then its too late effectively. You have to get used to having them around 3+ days a week. How do you know if thats what you want? How do you know that will make you happy? You have no idea at this point what the dynamics will be like with the dc until you meet them and get to know them over time. Once you've moved in with your dp then its much harder.

@SandyY2K it kind of comes across like you think op must have done something to deserve these emails - what circumstances would make it ok for someone to send abusive and harassing emails to someone? I can assure you that some grown women do act like teenagers. I feel generally sorry for the ex wife here but if she’s sending abusive messages she’s rather given up her place on the moral high ground. Maybe he left her cos she commonly displays threatening behaviour- who knows? We have no idea. Seems like OP has been given good advice so there’s no need to be snidey about her relationship.

29 and a potential step mum to 2 kids.
With a bitter ex.
Who causes you issues.
Is abusive to you.
And has her friends do the same.
Hell No!

Find someone with no baggage.
Trust me on this!!!!

I bet you’re sorry you asked. Most of the commentators on here are really bitter about their past relationships so and project their shortcomings/ bad experiences on posters. Chin up OP.

Ah Chutney you silly sausage. That must be it of course, couldn't be wisdom gained by going round the block a few times.

So you are financially secure ? You do realise that if you move in together before he is divorced that your finances then became relevant and of interest to this wife's situation - as in he has a place to live provided etc.....you are looking at a future where a huge chunk of his income is going to be going elsewhere . Good luck with that !

@ChutneyNose haha it's fine. I just can't keep up!

The advice I was looking for wasn't whether I should stay or leave which seems to be what I've been given.

I've got no reason at all to walk away from a man who I personally think is pretty amazing. Everyone is entitled to their contrary opinions though of course.

@NewtoOLD I'm not sure what you mean by that. My income has nothing do with their financial arrangement living together or not living together.

That's where you are wrong yellow - as soon as you start living together and he is still married , information may be required by his wife's solicitors about you and what you are bringing to the relationship with him financially . I know this for a fact .Think about it - he has a place to live ( with you ) and his wife will want to stay in the house . She will likely have the children for vast majority of time. Wise up . Suggest you start googling . eg.

www.brethertonlaw.co.uk/news/does-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce-settlement/

Serious new relationships can also impact upon financial negotiations and settlements. During the proceedings you will be asked about your intentions with regard to cohabiting or remarrying. You must answer honestly, and if you do intend to set up home with your new partner, their financial situation will become relevant to your case. Even if you are living under a separate roof from your new partner, if you share each other’s households this could be construed as living together, which could affect the way the court looks at what you need financially for the future. If in doubt, have a word with us about it.

www.cflp.co.uk/dating-during-divorce/

OP,

I think your heart is in the right place here but why the rush? (Genuine question)

Moving in together after a year is quick. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a bit longer dating especially without all his relationship drama.

Also as someone who was young when their parents divorced it does affect young children. It confused me when a new partner was introduced. Again I’d personally say give it a year after the divorce. The children are just gettting used to big changes - it’s a lot to throw at them.

@NewtoOLD thanks I'll take a look at the link

@GinUnicorn there's no rush. Things have been gone great and it's something we'd discussed like any other couple.

I don't personally think a year is super quick but everyone's different

I'm in a similar situation

I'm 28. Partner is 43

He's in the middle of his divorce - his kids are still under 10. His ExW lives with her partner of a few years

Anywayyyyy..

We don't live together. We are waiting until we are married for that; although no firm plans at present but he's said it will be before I'm 30

I love this time. We have our time together. We spend time with our children separately. It's lovely

Plenty of time for washing/ironing/cooking etc

Slow down and enjoy it. Mundane life comes to us all eventually