Husband gone feeling bereft.

[CrapYear]

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

I am 3.5 years on from you and I just wanted to say there is hope .

I am a changed woman, rebuilt from scratch standing on my own two feet and it feels amazing without a 12 stone dead weight to drag beside me!

I see the EX regularly as we have children; he's still exactly just with a different woman (the OW)

I have a new partner, but it's completely different and i fiercely guard my independence and still live alone.

You will get there. You can do this. The greatest gift he ever gave you was to leave

Your posts have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your support, it means so much. AsIfIWould Sausage Yes it is time to get down to business isn't it? Yet it all feels so very against the grain still.

Another night crying. Going to request the keys back today - then give him a deadline to get his stuff. All of it. I don't think it will go down well and I'm a bit worried and just feel sad that's it come to this.

I also feel really shitty about the sexual rejection. I feel he has all the power over me and I have none. My thinking is just not straight...I need to stop obsessing. I'm starting my assignments today.

You poor thing , he sounds like an arse !

Please get some advice via a solicitor and landlord op. Otherwise I fear he will just get angry with you and try to walk all over you again. You need to know where you stand and give him straight facts about how far he can shove it up his asshole.

Take back your power. You've got this.

Do you have a garage where you can out all his stuff, so he doesn't have access to the house.

You need to get angry, don't hold it in let it out at him. Tell him what he will be doing now with regards to the house, his belongings. He know longer has the right to come and go as he pleases. He using your hatred of confrontation to walk all over you. And if you can't then let your sister, parents they love you and want to protect you and you need that for now.

Oh and let your sons get angry with him. They are allowed to be angry with him, they are allowed to tell him what they think of him. It a consequence of his actions.

When my dad left my mum I was slightly older I was around 22 and I let him know exactly what I thought of him and his behaviour and yes he didn't like it but he couldn't blame either me or my mum only himself.

Well done crapyear, its absolutely the right thing to do.

Have you worked out what you're going to say, there are some really good lines in this thread already especially the first couple of pages. Get yourself a bit of a script, deviate as little as possible and stay firm.

Also I think you'll find you have the power now, the other night was a reality check and I'm sure a massive turning point for you so don't feel shitty or embarrassed. Feel strong.

Good luck with the assignments they are the most important thing now as this is your future for you.

You can do it

and hopefully by the time Christmas comes and you're free and settled you'll want to change your username 2018 will be independence year.

You need to be prepared for him to refuse to return the keys until all of his stuff, and whatever else takes his fancy to remove, has gone according to his timescale. Or until he's put up all the shelves that he wants to put up. Is it worth having a word with your landlord or agency first to explain some of the situation? The problem with asking him to return the keys is that it gives the power to him again - to return them if he wants to, in whatever timescale he deems acceptable to him. There is absolutely no reason for him, or anyone else, to hold keys to your property unless it is at your explicit invitation. I think it would be better to take charge of that if possible and get the locks changed yourself, with LL permission. Locks are not difficult to change if you don't want to get a locksmith in.

I also feel really shitty about the sexual rejection. I feel he has all the power over me
Meh - you made a mistake.
So many have done just that.
It's called hysterical bonding.
If you feel he has all the power then you take it back.
He can get all his stuff by 3pm Sunday or you will throw it all out.
You need to make it clear that he doesn't just stroll in and take things bit at a time.
Fuck that - he gets it all or you get rid of it.
Time to make to stand.
Time for you not to be walked over any more!!!
You can do this!

So he gets to dictate the terms for the entire process. Is that what he thinks? Comes when he pleases, takes what he wants, leaves you in pieces. Who does he think he's dealing with? I hope you destroy him.

Exactly Mmer - he doesn't get to dictate terms to you. He has made it abundantly clear you are not on the same team. I really would like to think that the next he hears from you is a snotty letter from a solicitor - then tell him "that's how it is so accept it."

Git.

Book a man and van to load up his stuff and take it to his mum's.

You have all the power my darling, right now you are just recovering from a horrible shock and trying to find a way through the torrent of grief. Once the waves in side you change from grief to anger, then the son of a bitch won't know what's hit him.

Don't dwell on what happened with the rejection honey, it's not your fault and you did nothing wrong. I am sure it hurt deeply but these little moments where you realise what a genuine dick head he is will steel you in the months to come

Focus on yourself and your children and don't let him disrupt your university work, use it as your anchor, he can't touch it, it's yours and yours alone and if you can get through what you are, while still getting your qualifications then you can know just how strong you are

OP, I woke up this morning and thought of you, how's things? X

Hope today has been a better day and although it feels like you’re wading through treacle...you’re still moving forward

Well, I knew asking for the keys back wouldn't go down well. On Wednesday the boys went down to visit him at their Grandmother's. I thought the intention was that they were going for a day out or something, but no, turns out he bonded by getting their help in putting up new shelving and new temporary wardrobe in his room! A sort of 'help me to move on' gesture.

Anyway I texted him when they were gone, telling him that I felt that as he chose to leave his home, he had forfeited his right to a key and I would feel better if he didn't just breeze in whenever he wanted, and to please drop them on the way back, or hand them in an envelope to eldest DS to give to me when he returned.

And he did! Gave them to DS when he came in. I was so nervous and on edge about the whole thing, I felt palpable relief and felt I had got a little control over the situation.

Fast forward to today. He had promised to do a monthly shop, and there was nothing in, so I waited for him to make good on his promise, but there was nothing, no attempt at communication. I got a sense that he was waiting for me to have to ask him, and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of me asking him for anything, so today I told Eldest DS to text his dad that there's almost nothing in the fridge, as I really did not want to actually ask him directly for help or communicate with him, as not really feeling able to cope. So DS did. But then he rang my phone anyway and I just dismissed the call. Then he rang eldest DS again saying I needed to provide him with a list, which seems fine, but usually when he buys the shopping he never uses a list, we buy roughly the same staple items every other week, but I thought maybe he's wondering if we've run out of something major, so I told DS tell him we're down on rice. Thinking that should be it.

But then he rings again, and again I dismiss. So then he rings youngest DS this time, who tries to give the phone to me, but I tell him I'm in the bathroom, which I actually was, but as soon as I got out the bathroom, he calls me again! So I answer this time, and I can hear voices in the background and DH is talking loudly in a terse voice over the phone 'What shopping do I want' because he is 'At his sisters' and 'his mum is waiting for him to drop her to swimming' but he can 'squeeze it all in now between shifts since I insist on having it all today' and 'Do I just want the same shopping as usual' - as if I was putting him out by asking, so I said 'fine if you can cause we're out of everything' but then just before he hung up I heard him saying 'Got to go now, she wants me to do the shopping' and I suddenly twigged that it was all a nice little show for his family, him offering loudly to do me a favour of shopping and making it out like I was demanding it. And I started wondering how he's probably telling them its all my fault we've broken up. And how good he appears in comparison. Not one family member of his has even messaged me to ask how the kids are, so I think that's the script he's reading them and I feel so embarrassed by it all that they must be thinking badly of me.

Anyway, I was upstairs, fully expecting the door to knock, cause I had no intention of coming down, but no, he lets himself in and then makes his way to the kitchen and starts putting the shopping away and joking with the boys, so I came downstairs wondering what is going on, and he turns to me and says 'Brought the rice, I thought we agreed you're supposed to pick up your phone when I call?' So I said 'how did you get in, was the door open?' and, this is where I finally saw a different side - he dangles a set of keys in front of me. Now about 4 years ago I lost my set, so we had another set cut. I think he did it one day after work or something. Occasionally we would give the extra set to either my or his mum if we went away for a couple days etc, but as far as I knew they were always put back in the cupboard. So it seems either he took the extra set beforehand, anticipating I would ask for his keys back, or his mum was the last person to have them and I just forgot, but he stands there waving them in front of me and looking very satisfied ' Saying Oh, I found these, remember?'

So I said 'You were meant to give the keys back'
And he said 'I did, but my mum has these, and if I'm dropping shopping, I need access. You can't carry heavy things, and DS is going away soon, so I need to hold onto them, just consider that you have the spare'

Then he turned to the living room, said goodbye to the boys, walked to the door said 'Goodbye Crap Year' and left.

I was sobbing. Eldest DS got very annoyed and has just rang him against my wishes to tell him not to come back to the house again but he's not answering as he's at work. So he phoned my sister to come round. She is pissed and says she'd been holding back but is going to have words with him...this is so not what I wanted! It's all a nightmare. Youngest DS just ignored me crying and became very quiet, I feel this is having a dreadful effect on him

And the landlord is concerned about changing the tenacy, he thinks it will be better if DH stays on the agreement as then he's legally still obligated to pay his half of the rent, just in case he defaults. I suppose he's (rightly with my health) concerned about my ability to keep up with the rent on my own, but I don't know if he's just telling me this as he's a distant relative of DH. They don't talk or anything and as far as I know he really doesn't have much if anything to do with the rest of the family, but there's still a connection I suppose. Its all so so shit. I want all this to be over and not happening.

You need to take control. You will feel so much better. And go as low contact as possible. He needs to set up financial support for the DC asap. Into your account so you can shop. Online if you need to. Otherwise you have this pointless communication which is just being used by him to manipulate and wind you up. And it seems as if him buying a shop is some sort of favour to you as opposed to him needing to support his DC.

Get legal advice. Tell who you want what has happened. Start to act as if you are moving foreward without him. Eventually it wont be an act.

Put a chain on the door op. At least then he can't saunter in when you're in the house.

Is crap year a nickname you have been using online or has he found you on here OP? I would start changing your passwords honey just incase he has been accessing your emails or something sinister because that feels so bloody ominous.

I think you need to contact women's aid honey, his behaviour is controlling and abusive and you need advice on how best to protect yourself from him now as he really can't keep sauntering in like he is. He is purposely trying to tear you down and make sure you don't heal. I feel so so angry on your behalf as you don't deserve it and he is using your grieving period to whittle you down, it's so malicious.

I think I speak for most women here when I say I would gladly bring you coffee, cake and set a rabid animal on his testes I knew you irl. We all want you to be happy and come through this so rely on us as much as you need xxx

It might not feel like it, in fact it probably doesn't, but you have genuinely made progress here. He has shown his cards completely, shown that he is playing games and what games he is playing.

I can see where the LL is coming from and maybe he's right, however upthread (I don't know how far) someone suggested a chain on the door. I think that should be your first priority tomorrow morning. I'm sure with all the DIY your DS did at the weekend he can help fit it.

Have you managed to get any legal advice yet? You really need to as you need to start planning particularly financially going forward.

In the meantime I'd suggest supermarket delivery. EXH needs to understand that he can not keep coming in and even if he insists on maintaining a set of keys (Ha Ha how very clever ) he left, this is not his house anymore.

I do feel for your little one I'm sure you've mentioned it but how old is he. He needs plenty of opportunity to talk through it whenever you can, but don't force it. Car journeys are usually a good option if you drive as they don't have to focus on you and can often just talk.

take care of yourself and have a good night sleep

What a disgusting individual.
He’s putting the knife in and twisting it.

Why is he hell bent on torturing you like this.

Any chance of you being able to change the lock yourself...with help of a friend. Ignore hubby comments

2 ways to get new locks:

1. Take out old lock. Send hubby to locksmith, B&Q, Screwfix etc with the lock while you stay home protecting the fortress. Hubby gets a like-for-like lock (making sure it has BSI kitemark). Bring home and install.

2. remove lock. Measure it as required (depending on lock-type - see guides). Replace original lock. Buy replacement on internet. Wait for delivery, then swop them over.

Keep the old lock for your next property or to give relative when they move!

Yale type latch:

mortice type lock:

Euro type lock:

For replacement locks:

www.locksonline.co.uk/

www.ironmongerydirect.co.uk/products/locks_latches_and_security

Plan of action for the foreseeable...

1. get chain fitted or lock changed

2. don't rely on him to do the food shop whatsoever, he's using this as a way to control/manipulate you. He's also trying to make himself look like a good guy, providing for the family (that he's just abandoned)

3. ask for payments to be made directly into your bank account to cover food and any other outgoings

4. use online food shopping (makes like so much easier)

5. contact CSA and look into any other benefits and financial help you may be entitled to

6. google solicitors in your area.. even if you're not ready to contact them yet, it's good to have a list for when you are

7. GO NON CONTACT with that fucker! He's enjoying sticking the knife in. Don't let him. Only communicate if it's absolutely necessary. This will honestly make such a difference to how you're feeling

8. try to do things over the weekend to keep your mind busy and not thinking about him. Try to get into a book, gardening, plan and cook something nice, see friends/family, or even download games on your phone where you need to concentrate

I know the pain you're feeling, I've been there, like a lot of other people on this thread, but please believe when we say... it will get easier and then eventually your new life (without him) will become the norm.

Take care love xx

Why is he putting shelves up if you rent the house, is it so you will lose the security deposit because HE is damaging the house.

How much longer do you have on the lease, can you rent some where else for you and your dc and remove yourself from the house you are in now.

Let your sister and children get angry with him, especially your children they are allowed to be angry with him. He caused all of this, he needs to see what his actions have done to your children.

Hi CrapYear

As you know my XH left almost 5 months ago after 25 years and the only way I’ve coped is total NC. He’s tried many tactics to get me to contact him, but I haven’t.

I’m feeling loads better now and I’m sure that’s because I’ve totally avoided having any contact. Don’t allow him to taunt you, just don’t react, that really pisses them off.

You can always change the locks claiming you’ve lost your keys then make sure you don’t give him a key for the new lock.

It’s really difficult for the first few weeks but you can help yourself by cutting him off completely.

You will survive this awful ordeal, I’m proof of that.

Take care

I think you're right Lilly007. Because I don't think I can take this pain anymore. It's funny Fibromyalgia is so physically painful sometimes, but when it's really bad, I go to the medicine cabinet and use every painkiller at my disposal; but nothing seems to stop this pain. I keep replaying the scenario where he told me he was leaving over and over again. How calm he was. How he stood there sipping his coffee as I fell apart, at his sudden disgust towards me, his anger from nowhere. His complete detachment. I just remember how quickly he wanted to get away, like he couldn't get away fast enough. Like I am something disgusting. Now everytime I see him, I feel the sharp hot emotional pain all over again.

One thing that he said that really galls me is his desire for a 'woman who understands him'. What have I been doing all these years then? DH has always been insecure within himself, and I have always understood that. He was never encouraged growing up, and his relationship with his mother ironically, has always been one of wanting her attention and not really getting it. He now bends over backwards trying to get it.

I am the one who constantly told him how intelligent he really was, who encouraged him to do whatever he wants, constantly telling him he could do it, who placed value on his opinions, even when I knew better, who would ask his advice even if I already knew the best course of action, so that he could feel more secure. When he was depressed, I brought him the natural medicines he needed to feel a bit better. I was the one who waited patiently, cancelling plans to do things together because he wouldn't be able to manage it, I was the one who listened to his accounts of failures at work, who soothed his ego and encouraged him to start his business, constantly telling him how grateful we were when he worked hard. I cooked nearly everyday. Sometimes if I was out, I would rush back home, just so his dinner would be ready after work, and he could relax straightaway. God sometimes I would even massage his feet! Not to mention helping to raise our children. When he was snappy and unloving during depressive phases I kept on loving him, looking at the good I saw.

Now at a time when I really need his support, he has just casually cast me aside, like something distasteful under his foot. All his 'I will really support you at uni' has turned to shit. I truly believe he knows doing this now will place a lot of difficulty on me during the most important year, but he doesn't care. In his mind he just had to do it now.

He has become an angry stranger throwing so many trivial wrongs at me. Everything is my fault. Everything. Suddenly I have been no support whatsoever. Suddenly 'I have never really got him' Yet there were so many things I didn't do because he didn't want to do them. I literally put him first, but now I am trash. All that affection, all that loyalty, all the times I put him first and me second.....well all of it meant nothing, meaningless, unimportant, rubbish. He wants to runaway and find 'happiness' with some other woman, some new person who has done NOTHING for him. He has thrown away years of devotion in a second.

He has flipped on me. And yes he is twisting in the knife. How have I missed his penchant for cruelty, where has it come from? What have I done to elicit it?

Last night, I started to feel really angry for the first time. I now feel wronged. Massively, hugely wronged. And I cannot understand such selfishness, how everything we shared and have done together hasn't even warranted a proper conversation. It has simply not been negotiable. How he has sat there, pretending to still be a team, simulating love, simulating affection, touching me, having sex (I won't say making love) with me, playing with my emotions and messing with my brain, knowing he has been planning to leave all along for two. Bleeding. Years. 2 Years!!

I don't know anymore whether I am crying because of him leaving, or the cruelty of it all. I just feel terribly rejected and despised and like I will never trust another human being again. How could he treat me with such callousness? After everything? Then presumably telling everyone it's my fault, adding humiliation to my despair.

So this morning I blocked him on my phone and whatsup. Felt a bit petty, but I got a huge sense of relief. Now I won't have to hear his voice. He can communicate through the children if he wants to. My Dad is coming in an hour to put a chain on the door. I've started packing his stuff from upstairs again. This time he can take them all. There was a rug in the bedroom I really didn't care for that he liked. I have thrown it outside. Removed all the DVDs from the bedroom. I know I need to go further, but am afraid of starting to actually hate him, and DS has already stated that he hoped we don't end up hating each other.

We were meant to go settle DS into uni together, but I simply won't be able to spend any time with him. I cannot tolerate it. I don't know how I'm going to get around that. In the past I thought couples who couldn't stand each other were petty, but now I understand, and I never thought I would be in the same situation.

I really don't want to be in this strange new reality.