Something's not right here...

[Onedaysoon]

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

you poor thing, he sounds awfull. Get a good mantra you can keep repeating to him when things get tough, something like, 'I am a good decent honest reasonably nice person, I believe you have lied and not shown the type of commitment and respect that I require.'
Well done going to lawyer.

there aren't that many good men out there and unless you get one of the good ones you are better off on your own.

Aaarrgghhh...mind games again! he came back after a couple of hours as if nothing had happened, didn't mention the fact that I knew about the woman and the texts, started telling me all about the new business he wants to set up - I was almost numb with shock and couldn't even respond and yet he carried on! Then asking did I want to go to a works 'do' with him on Saturday night! I told him to go on his own (I have NO desire to go anywhere that he will be drinking alcohol given what happened last week) and he said 'well the kids can come too' as when I asked a while ago if the kids were invited he said no. But when I told him to go alone he said 'oh, well I can't go then can I as I'll have no way of getting home and I'm not going if I have to stay sober'!! So all he wanted is a bloody chauffeur.
I asked him again to tell me what was happening, what he had done and he said again nothing, that it'd been a year since he'd done the chat room thing and so what anyway? I said 'I know you've been in them recently, I know you've been texting other women...just tell me the truth' and he said 'there's nothing to discuss' so I asked again how much he spent on his phone and he said the same, 'a tenner, twenty sometimes, thirty if I'm downloading games'. I asked was that a week or a month and he said a month and I said 'But I know you're running up huge bills on your phone so thell me the bloody truth'. he just frowned at me as if to say 'you're mad woman'! At which point I lost the will to even try anymore. Then he asked did I need anything today, and would I like some money to go shopping with! . See, this is what I mean when I say how manipulative he is and how he can really twist your mind.

All I can say is that you will go when you are redy and that might not be when you think you are.....one day it will just happen.

I do not think you have any reason whatsoever to dobut yourself and your suspicions (trust me I have just discovered similar situation however when I managed to jag details WTF-H admitted it)

Make sure you have someone anyone for a support including professional help (if you have become detached from friends and family as can happen in abusive relationships) until you are ready to make the change....take care and don't dobut yourself any longer

by the way generallt waiting for an admission regardless of how much proof you have can be awaste of your energy as manipulative people can justify anything they do and will often egin to beleive their own lies or that you actually have NO proof therefore your feelings/accusation matter nought

Hi Riss. Sorry you are going through similar.
I think one of the reasons I keep posting every new development is so I have a 'written' record of what is going on, and other people's reactions because although I know I am right and he is in the wrong, as you say, abusers are so very adept at manipulating your thoughts and feelings that you end up doubting yourself. I think he genuinely believes that he is justified in everything he has done. There is a lot more in the history of our marriage; a hell of a lot of emotional abuse towards me and the children, lots of doubts and suspicions and manipulation. He has also, as you so rightly say, distanced all my friends and relatives so that I am pretty much isolated and I don't have a support network at all.
I can't understand, as I am a decent human being, how someone can behave like this. How he can lie and justify even when the truth is staring him in the face. I was actually sick, physically sick last night, with the confusion and all the ensuing feelings it brings.

I am also not wasting any more energy on looking for 'clues' or proof. I don't check his phone (having said that he didn't let it out of his sight for a second since I confronted him) and I have no intentions of doing so because even if I showed him his own phone, and his own texts he would lie his way out of it. So no point.

just caught up with this thread.

i think you should write down the events so that when he does try to twist things round, you can read this and remind yourself of what a wanker he is.

i'd urge you to follow custardo's wise words. you don't need more proof now, he's not going to admit anything, you need to get solicitors involved and get the police to kick him out. shouldn't take too long, given his behaviour.

good luck things WILL get better. you have family and friends waiting for you to come back.

Hi

Just caught up with this thread I agree with what everyone has been saying try and get him out ASAP! I noticed you were going to claim tax credits, have you done this as a single person or as a couple? The only reason I ask is that both parties get a copy of the entitlement from tax credits and if he knows you are getting money he may well DO something, so be careful, intercept his copy if you can the seem to always arrive together.

Good Luck
xx

How did the solicitor's appointment go?

Hi all. Ellie, neither of the solicitor's have got back to me yet so Inow have the weekend to get through, and all the mental s**t that will go with it.
Warthog, the only way I can get him out of the house is to file for divorce, which is why I'm dragging my heels. The thought of having to live with him when the papers are served just fills me with horror and I have to make sure I'm mentally strong enough to deal with it.
Debz, I am applying for the tax credits as a single person and the forms are being sent to a 'decoy' address so he won't know anything about it.
I'm feeling ok today really considering. I got chatted up in tesco just now by a gas fitter who came to my house a few months ago and remembered me! So that was nice!
In the meantime I am continuing to look after myself, I've lost shed loads of weight (31 lbs so far) and feel ok in myself. I just need to keep my mind healthy too.

You're being incredibly strong and brave onedaysoon, and I salute you for it. Just think of the day when you will be able to come home, walk in and know that it's just you and the kids and a hassle-free time - not to mention the possibilities of dates with gas fitters!
Look after yourself this weekend - will check in to see how you are x

More scary stuff. Last night he started looking at dogs; with a view to buying another one! Today he was going on about buying a boat next year...WTF??? he was saying how nice holidays'd be if we had our own boat and could go sailing...'oh we could pick one up for about £10k' says he, with yet another final demand landing on the doorstep! It all sounds sweet, like his intentions are good, but they're really not. It's massive arrogance on his part because he is just completely ignoring what I have said, and how upset I am about how he has behaved etc. he is treating the fact that I have said he is a liar and a cheat and I can't stay married to him with absolute contempt, like I am some second rate citizen whose opinion doesn't matter!

And now he's cleared off to a party on his own!

It'll be interesting to see if he bothers coming home at all tonight, as the party is 30 miles away and he had to drive there. I can't see him 'only' having 2 pints given the fact that he's been binge drinking at weekends recently. So, will he shack up with someone (it's a women's football team party - end of season) or will he drink drive?

Hi. Well he came home at some point last night, I don't know when as I was asleep. But this morning, once again, he's stormed off in the car because he kept asking did I want to go out for the day. I said I wasn't going out aimlessly, and if he had somewhere in mind I might go (as it's Father's Day) and he went mad, stormed out, said 'great f*ing Father's Day this is' and drove off, saying he wasn't going to stay in all effing day!!
Now normally I would have planned something for today, but he doesn't give me any money, and I don't have any income apart from maintenance for my oldest 2 and child benefit which I have to spend on food shopping so I never have any spare cash. So what he expected I don't know.

Please don't get caught in in what you were supposed to do for him for Father's day. You have MUCH bigger issues with him. If he tries to make you the bad guy when he comes back, just bring up the calls again and the nurse, etc. Say you're still waiting for the truth and to hear what's going to be done about it.

To be honest, One Day, I have worried about you some. Are you in any physical danger from him?

Really think about that.

Sounds as though he engineered that argument solely so that he could storm out and do whatever he already had planned and blame you for spoiling his Father's Day.

What sort of father does he think he is, anyway, by behaving in a way which is almost guaranteed to split up his family??

Hi all. Well we've just had the mother of all rows. He finally admitted that he has been in chat rooms every night, up until Wednesday this week, and 'chatting' to other women. He also admitted all the money he's been spending on them. He said he didn't know why he did it, and that I didn't deserve it, but that he did it anyway, knowing I'd be hurt if I found out.
There were lots of tears on my part, some relief I suppose that I was right and not imagining it, but also a deep sadness that this man who promised never to lie to me could do it so easily, even whilst knowing I knew the truth.
But there is no genuine remorse there; it's kind of 'I've done it, I'm not doing it anymore, deal with it. I'm not going to keep apologising or explaining'. I told him if he genuinely cared he would happily explain it day in day out til I was satisfied I could trust him and he said no...if I couldn't accept his 'apology' and couldn't trust him then we might as well call it a day. So I told him ok...enough's enough, I can't trust him, I'll never be able to believe another word he says, that he has never made himself part of the family and that I can't live like it anymore, so he turned his back and told me he's moving out next week.
That's it.
So, looks like it's all going to happen. he tried to turn it around, said I was giving him attitude (!!!!) and that I had never been here for him, which is so untrue. I have always always been the listener, and will sit listening to someone for hours but he has never ever come to me and he said he went to these women for 'someone to talk to'. Do you know, that hurt more than anything really. The emotional absence from me whilst he was connecting emotionally with someone else. he has now put the barriers up, won't talk to anyone or engage in anything. He's curled up on the settee as we speak, shutting out everyone and everything.
Hey ho...onwards and upwards.

And he still denies the nurse.

You sound like you've had a horrid weekend, well done for being so strong. You've been really brave confronting him about all this stuff, and his answers have not been good enough or anywhere NEAR acceptable. It is good he is leaving, please stay strong and don't let him change his mind or make it your fault, because it isn't. He isn't good enough for you or your children, you deserve much more than him.

good luck onedaysoon, i really feel for you, sounds like you are being really strong. Well done standing your ground. I think you deserve better.

Well yesterday he stalked around the house, slamming doors and drawers etc. I told him he needn't go around acting the wounded party, as this was all his doing. He's behaving like he's the victim. He then tried to accuse me of having an affair 3 years ago with one of his work colleagues! One day I was out shopping and bumped into one of his mates, who was doing the army's banking. We walked up into the town together chatting and when i got home I told him about it. That was it. But apparently he asked this bloke had he seen me lately and for some inexplicable reason the bloke said no which then automatically translated as 'we slept together'! he said that I always acted like a 16 year old with a crush when this bloke was around! I didn't even fancy this bloke!!!!! And teenager? Um, shall; we go back to the chat room thing? So the mind games have started in earnest.
Anyway, he went around the house yesterday getting all his dirty clothes and washing them so I'm hopeful that that means he's planning on moving out really soon.

Hi

It sounds as if he is blaming you for it all now, which is a sign of guilt. My advice would be - and this is hard - dont give him the satisfactions of seeing how upset it makes you. If he says anything hurtful again try and ignore it and not let him get to you. By showing you are angry you are also showing you care, so instead dont shout or row with him try and shrug and say 'ok i am sure i can deal with that - i have dealt with worse' even if you want to scream try and save it for when he is not there.

Good luck

It may well be a compulsion he has always had for chat rooms that he can't help. There is a 12 step programme for internet addicts a bit like the 12 steps for alcoholism. Perhaps get him on to that.

There may be ways to help him and stay married if you want to stay married. If you don't then money is the first issue, not blame. You can divorce without lawyers in the UK so the fact you can't get legal aid should not stop you but will there be enough money to live on and is that what you really want?

Xenia, I have had 4 years of abuse, social services got involved because of his abusive ways, the police had to remove him from the house, he has stayed at other women's houses for the weekend, he's put me through many many suicide threats and now has lied again and again and emotionally distanced himself from me and the children whilst seeking it elsewhere. All the time running up huge phone but not paying household bills, loans and credit cards and it's me who has to lie to these people when they call. There IS no marriage to save.
As for money, well he doesn't give me any money now, makes it impossible for me to work, and has got us into massive debts so I will be better off alone financially.

And there's no way he would go for help anyway, even if I were inclined to try. I have tried to get him to go for counselling in the past and got a mouthful for my efforts. And I don't subscribe to the theory that he couldn't help it. Of course he could. I could have had affairs throughout my marriage as the opportunity was there several times, but I wouldn't. because I have a set of values. because I know what would hurt someone and what wouldn't. He knew I'd be hurt, and yet he still did it.