Something's not right here...

[Onedaysoon]

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

Hurray hurray onedaysoon! You are brave and strong and clever and I'm sorry I don't know about household stuff, but I'm sure someone will, just wanted to congratulate you on being fab x

Marital assets are held in common until the financial settlement is complete. He can't just take stuff without your agreement. Your solicitor will help you with details like this.

It is amazing how childish they get when they know they've finally been rumbled. Be grateful for every petty, offensive thing he does because it is all proof that you are right. Taking it out on small children is unforgiveable.

...I don't feel strong and brave, believe me. I feel s**t scared if I'm honest. He's already said he will only pay half of all household bills, which isn't very clever of him as I have no income! I spoke to the tax credits people yesterday and they have said I can claim as a single parent, despite the fact that he is still living here as he is not supporting us financially now. So at least that is some money coming in. I did ring them a couple of weeks ago, but held off doing anything as I didn't know what was happening and didn't want to claim fraudulently, but now I know where we're at I can claim with a clear conscience.
I am grateful for all the pathetic things he's doing as if I have any moments of weakness (and they're getting fewer and fewer) they just remind me of what I will be leaving behind and how much freedom me and the kids will have.
Last night he decided that he would put DD2 to bed and read her her story (he's not done this once in almost 3 years) and it threw her routine. When I put her to bed, she cuddles up while I'm reading and is asleep before I've got 2 pages read, despite the fact that the older 2 are playing in the next room (they won't stay downstairs with him if I'm not there), but last night, because DD2 wouldn't go to sleep he started yelling at DS to 'SHUUUUUUTTTTTUUUUPPPPP' just because he was singing! DD2 always sleeps regardless of the noise coming from the rest of the house. Then he gave up reading to her and stormed out of her room, saying she had no chance of sleeping with all the noise. Guess what? Within 5 mins of me reading to her she was asleep, all cuddled up. And the other kids were still playing and singing!

I do worry to be honest, what will happen as this gathers pace. When I left last year he slipped into a very dark, brooding mood, and I was absolutely inundated by suicide threats; not empty threats sadly as he has made a serious attempt on his life before. he has also, in the past, threatened to take DD2 if I leave him. Now legally (and given his mental state and history) I know he couldn't, but he could just take her IYSWIM? My solicitor asked me if I had any problems with contact between them. I said I wanted them to maintain a relationship BUT...what if he gets into this nasty depressed state again, and suicidal? I can't warrant sending my daughter into that kind of atmosphere can I?

If you are at all concerned that contact with him will be harmful to your daughter I would speak to solicitor or social services about it. You obviously are a caring mum who puts your children's needs first and if there is any suggestion that they might not be physically or emotionally safe with him you need to make that judgement and have either supervised contact or none at all. He clearly doesn't put the children first and will probably try to put the children in the middle of this because he is messed up and spiteful.

Ellie, yes I do put the children first; if I had my way me and the kids would have nothing to do with him ever as he is such twisted person. BUT...I also know that it is better for a child to maintain a relationship with both parents where possible.
My dilemma is that he has spent time in a psychiatric hospital about 5 years ago...3 months I think he was in there (it was before we got together). He never saw out his treatment. He suffers from very black depressions for which he refuses to get help. he did go to the dr on my insistence who prescribed anti depressants but he has never taken them, refuses to. He also refuses to go for counselling or therapy.
Social services were threatening to convene a child protection case conference because of his emotional abuse towards my 2 children from my previous marriage, but he managed to pull the wool over their eyes and they dropped it. He gets suicidal and tried (and almost succeeded) to take his own life previous to us meeting (which led to the hospitalisation).
When he came back froma course a while ago he questioned DD2 about me, in front of me, saying 'did Mummy kiss any other man whileI was away', and 'Did Mummy cuddle another man' and even 'Did mummy have another man in her bed'!!!!
He also drives his car with the most appalling eyesight, putting everyone's lives at risk...he can't see traffic lights or anything!!!
He threatened to snatch her several times, and my fear is that he will take her abroad...his dream is to live in Spain or somewhere else. It wouldn't be because he wants her so much as he knows it would tear me apart to lose her. he knows he wouldn't win a custody battle but said he will fight me for custody as he would enjoy seeing me go through it.
He has accessed porn in front of her; when I went mental at him he aid 'well she's not taking any notice is she?'
I'm not being bloody minded; my 2 older children see their Dad all the time, I regularly drive them 150 miles to see him, and he does the same, and they talk all the time. But they were never at risk from him.

Bloody hell onedaysoon he sounds dangerous! Don't let him have unsupervised contact if you are at all worried he might take her, or be emotionally inappropriate or destructive. Might be worthwhile contacting social services and asking for their advice - I work for social services and I know we help out in stuff like this, I don't know what your local authority is like though.
You poor thing, he sounds like a very hard person to live with. Not long now though.

Ellie; Social services are well aware of him, as they got involved last year when the police reported him to them following a domestic. I have emailed my solicitor outlining my concerns and am waiting to hear back from him. The problem is, I don't ever want to say 'I wish I'd said something' when it's too late. You know, if she disappeared and I had said nothing?

Exactly, you can't be too careful. This is a worst-case scenario, and is likely never to happen, but you may as well think about it as he does sound a bit unhinged. And it's obviously that though your children are you're top priority, they are not his, and he probably won't play fair. But don't freak out, just take steps to keep everyone safe and secure and then it's one less thing to worry about. You're doin' great girl x

Does supervised access have to be sorted out in court though, or can it be done through solicitors?

You will have to check with your solicitor, as am not sure of the process in the UK (am in Jersey) but here it would be officially sorted in the court - that said if, as their parent you had any concerns for your children's saftey no one would blame you for stopping contact unless it was supervised. Over here we have a centre for supervised contact, but what I have advised Mum's in similar circumstances is that until that is sorted, to make sure contact is either in a public place, perhaps supervised by yourself and/or friends/family members. As you say, your child's welfare is paramount here and you can't be too careful. If he isn't happy with that he can go to court to challenge it.

Hiya. It's not that I want to stop him seeing her, but I think it'd be fair enough if I asked that he get help for his depression/mental health before he gets to spend time with her alone, don't you? Especially as he gets suicidal.
I'm feeling a lot more positive today; I've been on the phone to income support etc, and made a claim by phone (I hate filling in forms), and they will be calling back later and will also take my claim for tax credits too over the phone.
It's amazing how strong you feel when you get pro active and take steps to sort things out isn't it? The thing is he won't believe I am 'capable' of doing all this alone, as whenever we got forms to fill out etc he would take them off me and say 'give them here, I'll do it, you know what you're like with forms, you'll just make a mess of it'...so he now thinks I am unable to do anything like this alone.
I also got the council ouit today to look at the drains etc, as they have been smelling bad for the last week or so, and he wouldn't do anything about them. So I thought, right...I'll be responsible for all this on my own soon, might as well start now. I now have a sweet smelling bathroom again

Good for you! He sounds like my ex (in some ways, mine was a nice fella basicly) in that he could be very controlling and made me believe I was not capable of doing things myself. When I finally left him it was such a boost to my confidence getting things done and feeling like I was in charge. Am glad you are feeling this too.
I think you are being very fair about not wanting him to have contact with her on his own when depressed/suicidal, and so would any court. You are just acting in her best interests and unsupervised contact when he's in a state could be at best distressing and at worst very harmful for her.

This is doing my head in. he was away on a course and came back yesterday, chattering away again, and even buying presents for the kids!. It makes me sick. He stayed at him Mum's while he was away and she's probably said to him 'oh she's just throwing a strop. Go back and butter her up and she'll come round' or something. Then he wanted to go out to Toys R Us (all of us) and have a look for DD2s birthday present. I can't bear to be in the same room as him, let alone go on a family jolly. Needless to say I wouldn't go. Apart from how uncomfortable it would make me feel, I have put in a claim for income support and tax credits as a single parent, and they know we are still at the same address but are processing the claim on the understanding that we are no longer living as a couple. So I can't very well go out pressie shopping with him can I?

It's starting to take it's toll on my health too I think. I had a dreadful dreadful nightmare last night, that someone had let off mustard gas on the landing at night, and I couldn't get to my children to get them out. Eventually I managed, but it kept happeneing, night after night despite having a police guard outside the house, someone was still managing to get in and let off the gas. I woke up and my eyes and nose and throat were burning and I was sobbing.
And all morning the room has been spinning; it feels almost as if I'm drunk (I'm not BTW!)

Hang on in there onedaysoon, of course you are going to be stressed and anxious and that's what your subconscious is saying through these dreams. Keep thinking about the day you get to be free of him and you and your DCs can get your lives back on track. And don't fall for the shopping trip rubbish - he's just playing games. You're doing so, so well, just take it one day at a time. Have you got people to sound off at in RL too?

Hi Ellie, no I have virtually no one in RL: as is so often the case with controlling men he completely isolated us from everyone and everything which is one of the hardest aspects of this...I really do have to deal with this alone. The only person I can really talk to about it, and who understands, is my sister and she lives in Oz so can't call her all the time.
It's DD2s birthday soon, and I have been planning on buying her this particular thing for ages; it's all she talks about. Guess what? HE went out yesterday and bought it instead! The wa**er. And now he's taken her out this morning, and bribed my son to go with the promise of a new playstation game. I told him last night that I had applied for income support seeing as he wouldn't pay half the bills...he just shrugged and said 'fine'. And yet today he's asking me if I need anything from Tescos, and what's for dinner tomorrow! I can't cope with this.

Been too busy at work this week for much MNing sadly but was wondering how you are onedaysoon? Hope you're alright there? Let me know lady am thinking of you x

Hi, well not much happening really. I got the divorce papers through but there were a couple of things on there that needed amending, so had to send them back to solicitor. I haven't had the revised ones back yet. HE is still behaving as though I am just stropping; doesn't 'get it' at all...he told my daughter that he planned to build a patio and driveway, and promised her a summer house in the garden with electricity and a sofa and fridge etc so she had her 'own space'...I was furious because the kids really don't know where they are. On the one hand they know I have filed for divorce and on the other hand he is promising them all these things (incidentally, all these conversations take place when I'm not there!)
I told him again last night to stop filling the kids' heads with things, and he told me he'd be here for another 2 years anyway as the divorce would take that long and that under no circumstances would he engage a solicitor...he is still paying off the legal fees from his first divorce and he said no way will he fork out for another. So how does this affect me, does anyone know? If he doesn't get a solicitor is that good news or bad news for me? he has nothing financially to wrangle over, but I want him out of my life as soon as possible because I'm living in limbo at the moment.

Bloody hell he's an arse isn't he? Don't know answers to those questions but someone else might so bumping it for you.

hi onedaysoon, ive only just read this thread, and i am so sorry that u have a w*@ker for a husband.If he is refusing to leave the house for another 2 years then get urself into private accomodation

the council will give u money to pay for the bond and will probably pay for all your rent.got to the cab tell them the situation and that u want to leave. i know that is crap that he is doing this to you but he is thinking if he stalls the divorce that u will end up dropping it and carry on living a dogs life. or if you want to stay in council property get yourself on the waiting list......this may take a few months though so i would deffo look into private renting )