Something's not right here...

[Onedaysoon]

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

Maybe you should contact your solicitor and get the ball rolling? I agree you shouldn't act on impulse but you are so unhappy, and no one should have to put up with the crap he's putting you through. Perhaps now's the time to get him out?

I'm not sure I'll be able to keep my distaste hidden when he goes on with his stupid explanations about his phone. He is now saying he is going to take his phone back to the shop cos the battery runs out so quickly!!! of course it does; he is on it half the night! I hate lying, so much. It makes me so mad.

He is a tosser and you deserve better. If I were you I'd go home and chuck all his stuff out and change the locks. Contact the domestic violence people at the police and your solicitor and tell them what you're doing and just get him out. What could he do to you?

hi im in sort of same predicament my partner is flirting on the sites and claiming he is single even tough we live together and two kids one of which is new born, i checked his phone and he had messages from women saying can you talk etc......he claims it is innocent flirting he would never meet them and he does not want me to leave and says he will stop and i find he is doing it again....any advice please i feel so cheated but have 2 kids and aslthough head tells me to leave, heart says stay

Spogs, it IS cheating. There are various levels of infidelity and this is one of them. Would he like it if you were contacting men, swapping numbers with them, asking can you talk? In a way emotional infidelity is worse, as sex can be put down to 'just sex'...lame excuse and I wouldn't accept that either, but this intimate talking, sharing secrets etc...that goes way deeper.

so you think i should leave would you leave if you were in my shoes

i have two kids to think about though my eldest is 4 she will be deverstated

I have spoken to some of the girls he comminicates with and they know about me and dont see why i have a problem with it, the problem is now i do not trust him when he calls to say he is working late i think he is staying on to talk to the girls etc and when he gets a text i instantly think its one of them.

TBH what hurt the most of DH affair was not the sex (though that was pretty bad)..but the phobe bills ) many many long phone calls to her and lots of texts - shile he was clamming up shutting me out not talking to ME about our problems he was talking to her a lot (some calls up to an hour)...that hurts the most

How you doing onedaysoon? Things OK this weekend?

Hi Ellie. Haven't been able to get on as he has been off work. Friday was an absolute nightmare. We went to his friend's pub, about 80 miles away, and he got absolutely slaughtered. Drank upwards of 15 pints and as soon as I started the car up on the journey home he turned on me, yelling abuse at me, calling me 'psycho btch' which is the name he calls his ex wife: the person he despises most in the world. He just carried on hurling abuse at me with the three kids sitting in the back listening. I was so shocked at his onslaught that my legs were shaking as I drove. Then he changed completely, asking did I want to stop at a restaurant and have diiner! No bloody way was I sitting in a restaurant with that drunken lout, having him abusing me and the kids so I said no, I wanted to go home, and he started again, saying I was mental and asking over and over again, face up to mine 'what do you want to eat, what do you want to eat...' when I said nothing, I would cook at home he just repeated himself again and again and then calling me psycho btch again. yesterday he said nothing until I asked him what the had gone on and how dare he treat me like that and he just shrugged, said soory and that he was drunk. I asked for an explanation and he refused, saying he'd said sorry and that was an end to it!
Flogging a dead horse.

He makes me sick.

Ah onedaysoon,
that drive home sounds horrendous! Glad you made it safely home. I know the feeling of feeling petrified in a car. My ex was driving once, and ranting at me big time. Literally trying to attack me in the passenger seat, and thumping the steering wheel, and speeding big time. Kids in the back seat. Thought we were going to crash! Not read much of this post for the last few days, but I hope you can escape to safety soon before it is too late.
It is really striking a chord reading what you say about your man. I wish men like that didn't exist!

Am so sorry onedaysoon he sounds like an absolute louse. You REALLY need to get out - for the sake of the children too, they shouldn't hear their Mum being treated like that. Can you contact the domestic abuse people at police today? It isn't going to get any better and there will never be a 'right' time to do this.

Hi. the whole thing is rapidly gaining momentum on it's own. yesterday he was talking about games (again) and I asked again how much it costs and does he play them online. he said they are usually £3 each and no, he wouldn't play them online as it'd cost too much! So I asked him how much he tops his phone up with every month if he's downlaoding these games, and he said 'oh £20 usually, sometimes £30 but that's rare' and yet he had a text from 02 telling him that he had earnt £18.50 rewards from topping up since 1 April. That's 10% of his top ups, in other words he's put £185.00 on his phone in just over 2 months! Not as much as I thought but still a phenomenal amount, especially as he doesn't use it for business; in fact he's not allowed to use it whilst at work full stop for security reasons! Then my son asked could he have his old phone, like he promised, and he got a bit flustered and said he still needed to swap some phone numbers over etc, but I know for a fact that there are no phone numbers stored in that phone, but that he still uses it regularly in addition to his normal one keeping it charged up and topped up.
In addition, financially things are rapidly collapsing. His bank keeps calling asking for him to call immediately. Another company called saying he needed to contact them over unpaid bills, a loan company left him a message on his mobile saying he needed to contact them urgently...this is all in the last few days and he doesn't call any of them back. A letter from his bank said he is over £2k overdrawn...it's endless.
On Sunday evening he had £12 on his phone, yesterday morning he had £2, so again, a tenner had been spent overnight. He thought I had gone to bed on Sunday night, and when I walked in the room he was usinjg his phone. I walked over to him quickly and asked what he was doing, and he said playing a game, but when I asked to see he said 'oh, it's gone from the screen now'. There's really no other explanation for all this is there?

Doesn't sound like it. Are your finances separate from his? You don't want to get dragged down in his mess.

I've only skimmed this thread but it seems you are fixated on this phone business. Being blunt - so what? So he's up to his eyballs is debt, so he's constantly on chat rooms, running up huge mobile bills, so he may be having an affair, on-line or RL - SO WHAT!!!!!!

This man is an aresehole - all your energy should be going into getting out of this situation, not looking for the ultimate proof of his dodgy phone use!

my advice to you would be - the next time he is drunk at home and screaming at you - you need to call the police and tell them you are scared.

he will be removed.

even if he refuses to relinquish his tenancy - if the tenancy is his or is joint, you still have a right to remain in that property in "marital law"

please contact shelter for specific law advice - and do not take on face value the ranting of housing officers who usually do not truly and definitively know their arses from their elbow.

you will then need to seek legal advice, go to the CAB and find out about a restraining order.

at this moment in time, you should be squirrelling away as uch as you can, even if its just a pound here or there.

you need to check "entitledto.co.uk" to check your benefits entitlements.

when he has left you need to send his bills "return to sender" so that the companies investigate his wherasbouts and you don't open his post.

now is your planning time. my opinion is that you are spending too much energy finding things out for sure.

for sure? jesus lady - is he really going to sit there whilst you prsent exhibit "a"

and if he makes the divorce your fault

boo hoo.

who gives a shit - you wont be in the marriage

so

now is the time for planning. plan your finances

your support network of friends etc

contact the community support officers and ask them about a home panic button.

change your phone number.

extra security on your house.

ask the police to do extra patrols.

seek legal advice

know your finances and what they are likley to be

know what bills you are responsible for now and what bills you are likley to be responsible for

is the debt joint?

i work for a housing association so any partic advice in that regard, please let me know.

Hi Titchy and Custardo...you're right of course. I have been getting a bit 'obsessed' with the whole phone thing but there are reasons for it. Last time I gained information about him (by asking questions from other people as he was putting me and kids through hell and I needed to know what was going on with him) me and the kids ended up in a refuge because of his reaction. So this time I have to have it all in place or he will twist it all and I KNOW he plays mind games and I'm trying to pre empt that.
But, at the end of the day, again, you're right. Does it really matter? The fact remains that he is dragging the marriage down the pan, with no regard for my feelings. I asked him yesterday about the phone calls from debt collectors etc and he just shrugged and refused to discuss it so I really should stop banging my head against a brick wall.
Ellie, the debts are all his which is a blessing (he refused to ever have a joint account thank God) but my worry is that as I am not working (he put a stop to that by destroying my business) if his finances dry up, as in he has to declare himself bankrupt, it's me and the kids who will suffer. Otherwise I;d quite happily let him drown in his own s**t!

do you own your home?
Don't forget that if the mortgage is in his name or yours jointly that the debt companies can foreclose on your house...

Custardo, I meant to say, I am trying to get hard evidence (although I think I have enough really don't you?) for my sake, not his. Of course it's not going to be me presenting exhibit A and him watching, but he has played such vile mind games that I am really scared of being pulled back into them. if I know for SURE, as in hard proof, then he cannot make me think I imagined it all, which is what he's done in the past.

CountessDracula..no it's not an owned house, it's a council house and the tenancy is in joint names so at least I know I won't be homeless. The council are well aware of the whole ongoing situation as there has been a domestic violence issue ongoing.

thank goodness for that

I know! Small mercies eh?

Tell you what
If I were you I would get the locks changed and leave his stuff outside
Then go away somewhere for a couple of weeks til it has all died down