Something's not right here...

[Onedaysoon]

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

In that case I would serve a divorce petition on him and start the ball rolling. You can do that whilst still living together.

It's perfectly possible to divorce someone whilst still living in the same house. Bloody uncomfortable, but apparently quite common, according to the mediator we saw a couple of months ago.

As you recognise, this accusing you of having an affair is just a mind game. He knows you wouldn't do such a thing, so it puts you into defensive mode. If you had actually had one you could just lash back and say "yes, I did, so what, and he was miles better in the sack than you" (even if he was useless!).

attack is the best form of defense, and he's using that principle to the full. just ignore, and as it sounds like the end of the road, i'd file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Thinking of you onedaysoon and sending strong vibes your way, you're doing SO well xxx

Lots of us don't have any choice (we stayed together whilst doing it) because if you both own a house you both have a legal right to be there and usually the lawyers say if you want the children don't leave them so if both parents want the children etc you're likely both still to be living at home. It is a good plan to do it in some ways because it concentrates the mind on agreeing the financials whilst you have to see each other each day rather than take 2 or 3 years negotiating them after.

Hi. I realise you can divorce whilst still living together; it's just something I really wanted to avoid as it's not something he will take kindly to. He can't handle any kind of personal 'affront' or defeat if you see what I mean, and doesn't deal with them well. It was always impossible to argue with him, for instance, because he would say everything he wanted to get off his chest about me, but when I then tried to have my say it would be 'oh that's right, start insulting me now, this conversatiopn is finished' and sulk. In reality I would have said something as simple as 'you're so cold towards me' or something.
I did hold hopes of him moving out by himself but that doesn't seem likely. He came home last night and talked like normal, whereas on Sunday when I tried to speak to him he shouted at me and told me not to expect any social niceties! This emotional rollercoaster is what wipes me out completely so I will have to seek a divorce straightaway, rather than wait til he's moved out. For my own sanity.

He sounds a bit like my ex husband on the not letting you say what you want to say - was exactly the same for us. We were both advised by lawyers not to leave the house so just had to stick it out. It took 7 months. I suppose i cuold have left but then you lose possession of the house, sometimes people then lose their children (older children often want to stay home) and have to get back what you've lost.

Onedaysoon I've just read your thread and I just cannot believe what a selfish cold uncaring shit your dh is. In fact it has echoes of a relationship I had once where the guy in question used to say he practised solipsism:

1. The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known and verified.
2. The theory or view that the self is the only reality

In other words, selfishness to the nth degree, and a complete lack of feeling for anyone else. He used to do all that "Conversation closed" and "I'm reading a book now, feel free to carry on but just so's you know, I'm no longer listening. Thanks" bollocks too, like he was made of ice. Thank god he was also commitment phobic as I might have ended up with him. At the time I never realised what was happening, just thought I was doing something wrong and if I could just approach it a different way... (Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood helped me understand my behaviour a lot!)

I'm so glad you're now at the point where you can see what he's doing and you want out. Thank god all those bills are in his name, is all I can say. You honestly sound like a great mother and you obviously have so much to give the right person, what an utter shame you ended up with such a damaged pig of a husband.

Really hope you take steps to protect yourself from him, he sounds delusional and unstable, and he may decide to fight an outright war with you now the gloves are off. Stay strong and don't let him see you cry. Start talking about him making arrangements to leave as he said.

Have you seen isheisnthe's "Think I may have been right" thread? link She's going through similar situation right now too (trying to split from the man she lives with after suspicious behaviour and texts from a woman on his phone etc) so you aren't alone. Far too many women go through this shit.

Anyway sorry for rambling, to you, I'll keep an eye out on this thread to see how you get on.

Hi bananabump, and thanks. You pretty much summed up the whole marriage! He told me the reason he went looking for these women in the chat rooms was because he could never talk to me; and yet on numerous occassions I have come into the room, closed the door, and sat down saying 'we need to talk', or 'come on, tell me what's going on', or 'I don't understand what's gone wrong, let's sort it out'. In response I have got 'can you just step to the side a bit I can't see the telly', or 'Oh God not this again', or 'yawn you're boring me now', or 'I've explained myself once, I'm not going to keep explaining myself', or even 'do you mind, I'm trying to go to sleep and all I have is you whingeing in my ear' (this said whilst he was watching telly and not trying to sleep at all).
I've asked him to explain to me what his past relationships were like, his childhood etc...and he told me he didn't want to talk abotu it, but he told my sister a few months ago, after meeting her for the first time, all about his childhood, his first marriage, his subsequent relationships etc...he told her about being traumatised in Bosnia and his suicidal tendencies. then he told her he would never give me 100% and that I would always pay the price for his ex's mistakes. All this in front of me, whilst I sat there in tears, open mouthed. When I asked why he had never ever opened up to me like that he said 'you never asked the right questions'!!!
He is an empty shell, dead inside. We don't have sex, haven't done for longer than I care to remember and when we did it was cold and emotionless, no expression, no passion. So at the age of 38 I have had to bury that side of me otherwise I would go mad! And yet I am one of the most tactile people you could meet. I love affection.
It feels like this man took me and sucked the life out of me. He drained every ounce of life from me and if I stay with him i will become as empty and void as he is. At the moment I can still see a glimpse of the 'old me' and I know it won't be long before he has wiped that from memory too.

Well you either need to leave, persuade him to leave or stay together whilst rushing through a divorce/financial agreement. When I asked my lawyer what happened if once we had decree absolute transfer of money to my ex (I earn more so had to pay out to him - awful to pay your abuser but such is English no blame divorce) she said if we got to that point, house in my name, decree absolute, he had his money and he wouldn't go then he would be forced out but in fact he went then, found somewhere to rent about a month before everything was finalised and left on the very very last final day.

Hi. Well, I did think that he was going to leave. He washed all his clothes. got them all together in a pile and said he'd be out by next weekend. BUT...he's making no attempt at all. I asked him on Monday and again last night if he had made any enquiries about finding somewhere else, and on Monday he said he hadn't had time and last night he shouted at me that he would move when he could afford it!!! He asked did I have £1000 to give him for the deposit etc as he didn't; needless to say I told him that he should have thought of that when he was spending a fortune on his mobile phone chat rooms.
He's just not taking this seriously at all. Yesterday he came home from work as I was getting the kids ready to take shopping and to the library. He asked did I want him to come!!!! I can't even stand being in the same room as him. But when I said no, he told our 2 year old that Daddy wanted to come but Mummy didn't want him to. What an a**e!
So I'm going to have to go ahead with the divorce. I had an email from the solicitor so I'm going to call later and make an appointment.

Well...I have made an appointment with the solicitor for Monday; I'd rather have seen him before the weekend but oh well. I think I'm just going to have to ride the storm.

He was probably hoping you'd change your mind whne you saw him washing his clothes and say "wait, don't go! we neeed yooou!!" lol

He's probably biding his time while he can sweet talk someone into letting him move in with them. He's probably discovering all these floozies he was flirting with are shallow tarts who don't want to get involved in his marital problems.

This won't last forever, keep your chin up!

Bananabump, you're probably right. It's incomprehensible to him that I might actually mean it!!!! God forbid that I have a mind of my own!

Incidentally, this nurse he was texting? he had no idea who I was talking about when I said her name, where she lives or the fact that she's 44! He genuinely looked puzzled. Of course he did, she would have told him she's 25 with an exotic name like Tatiana or something. Kind of burst his bubble.

Well, that's what people are like when they live in fantasyland. It's a wonderful place where everyone is under 25 with tanned skin all year round, all the women are nymphomaniacs with 36D boobs, no periods, baggage or problems, and all the men are fantastically well endowed and witty!

What a saaaaad man. lol

You sound like you're feeling a bit stronger at the moment hon - you're certainly doing brilliantly - keep yer chin up and hang on in there the end is in sight
Let us know how goes with the lawyers

Hi. This man is unreal! On Wed night, after I told him I had made an appointment to see my solicitor he kept repeating over and over 'speak to me through your solicitor, speak to me through your solicitor...' every time I said a word. It was pathetic. He's 42 years of age. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms that the marriage is over. But then yesterday he came home and chatted! Was out checking his apple trees, and getting all excited about the grass seed that has started growning! He just does not get it that he will be leaving here soon.
Because everyone thinks 'good old **, she'll go along with anything for a quiet life' he thinks I will just drop it, and go back to the way it was.
NO WAY.
I am becoming stronger by the day, and it's as if the blinkers have been removed and I'm seeing him for the weak, impossible man he is.
Not looking forward to the weekend but hopefully there won't be too many more of them to endure once he realises.

Hey hey, well done! God, you sound so strong, you should be really proud of yourself! He really does sound like he has issues with what is reality and what isn't. He was trying to upset you by saying "speak to me through your solicitor" and it didn't work. (He doesn't recognise the new you, and it scares him!)

It sounds like he changes his tack a lot, so for example if trying to upset you isn't working he'll try brushing things under the carpet, see if that works to put you "back in your place". If that didn't work he'd probably try being horrible and shouty, or a charm offensive. He sounds a lot like my Dad, you have to keep your eyes wide open to his tricks and not believe them.

My Mum believed my Dad when he said he wasn't drinking any more and would never shout at her again etc, she took him back, within 6 months he was drinking a bottle of vodka a night, being horrible, shouting at her and putting her down.

They don't change, they just learn new ways of manipulation. Bear it in mind next time he's being nice to you. Re-read this thread. You're going to be sooooo much better off when he's gone! Hope everything goes ok with the solicitors appointment, keep us updated!

Hi, well, I've just come back from the solicitors and I've done it! I've filed for divorce! It's such a sad empty feeling, bringing a marriage to an end, but I've exhausted every avenue, and for my own sanity and more importantly that of my children, it's the only way. I want to live a full life, rather than the half life I've had for the past 4 years!
So the solicitor is going to contact the council to put a stop on him ending the tenancy, which he would be entitled to do if he wanted to be a real st. That would effectively make us all homeless, so this way the council can be asked to refuse notice. I have to wait until the draft petition is sent to me, and once I approve it and sign it, the ball will be rolling.
What I keep looking forward to is Christmas with just me and the kids. he hates Xmas, and has spoilt every single one of them so far, even shouting at DS last Christmas morning 10 minutes after he got up, for spilling water on the kitchen floor. Told him to 'clean this effing st hole up you lazy little sod'! It'll be so nice to have a relaxed, quiet Christmas, the tree the way we want it, lights outside, carols playing, cheesy films playing...the whole shebang! So that's what I'm focusing on and hopefully he'll have moved out long before then.

Isn't it great when you have a huge moment of clarity? Last night I was feeling sick at the enormity of what I had done; ie filing for divorce. And then he opened his mouth...and the nasty, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive side started to creep back in. Nothing major, just the way he spoke to the kids, my son especially, just because he was sitting on the chair the 'wrong way'! He likes to sit with one leg tucked under him, even at the dinner table and I don't even notice it, let alone have it bother me...but H has to actually look under the table to check and then has a go at DS for it. Every meal time.
Then DD2 wanted to go on the trampoline and I said they all could after tea. She went to get her shoes on and H told her no, that it was wet and DS said no it's not, I've tried it. H ignored him and said again, no it's wet, and DS repeated that he had checked it and it was dry so H shouted at him through gritted teeth 'SHUTU_P'.
Not major things like I said, but they all have the same effect, walking on eggshells, being nervous. It just reinforced the message that I am doing the right thing.
DD1 is looking forward to having a sleepover at last, as she has never been able to have one as he would just show her up and spoil it. He would lay down so many rules and regulations that it's just not been worth it. God, it's going to be so nice to just breathe again!

well done!!!!

LOL Paula...thanks

Does he know yet?

Well, he does now!!! I came home from shopping today to find a form to the council asking for permission to build a driveway! he clearly hadn't taken in anything I had said! So I told him I had seen a solicitor, and had filed for divorce. And boy did the s**t hit the fan! How bloody arrogant that he has disregarded everything I have said to him!!!
So then I got the threats, the 'I'm taking everything that belongs to me, you'll be left with nothing' crap. I told him he was free to take his personal stuff, but that he would not take anything which would interfere with the kids' daily lives...i.e the washing machine, the cooker, fridge etc...he said 'we'll see'! I told him I would rather live in an empty shed with the kids than in a house full of possessions if he was in it.
Trouble is, he is now taking it out on the kids, even our 2 year old. She told him 'Daddy, I'm going out on the trampoline' and he said 'oh whoopee' in a real sarcastic voice. Then he stormed off in his car and she called 'bye Daddy' and he completely ignored her. All of this just serves to reinforce my belief that I am doing the right thing.
But I think it's going to get nastier.
By the way...where do I stand with regards him taking household stuff, essentials I mean? Anyone know?