Something's not right here...

[Onedaysoon]

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

to me, it seems completely unacceptable yes, but i am not here to judge you, and i know that some things are easier (or harder) to resoplve than others. Having said that, if it's affecting your children, or if they will grow up thinking that this kind of uncertainty/lifestyle is the norm then what are you waiting for?

It's hard to explain really. I'm waiting for the 'cleanest' way of doing it really I guess. As he's got (I think) a guilty conscience he is being on his best behaviour, so the children aren't seeing anything but 'normal' family life.

Ok, I just called o2 and asked them whether £20 per night could be attributed to games. They said it was unlikely, as there are very few online gaming sites. They said that it was more likely chat rooms and to run up that bill he would need to be on there for a good couple of hours at least.
He's 42 FGS...not 18. Prat.

Hi. Well last night I brought the conversation round to computer games, and asked him what game it was he played on the phone. He said it was Othello, and went into a really long spiel about it. I asked him (pretending to be interested) whether he just plays himslef or if he plays online and he said no, he just plays himself. So there you go...he's not running up that bill by playing games so it HAS to be chat rooms which in my view constitutes infidelity, emotionally anyway. Either way, he's lying to me and hiding things from me.
We were watching telly last night, and he was on the computer, and his phone, although on silent, went off constantly and I mean constantly sending static through the pc. It was driving me mental. In the end I yelled at him to sort his bl**dy phone out but he wouldn't even look at it, just moved it away from the computer. And when he got home from work yesterday he had a bath and took his phone in with him! He usually spends 10 mins tops in the bath, but he was at least an hour.
Not looking good is it?

Hi again. Well last night he came home from work and put his phone straight onto charge, and went into some long winded explanation as to why...that he had had to use his phone for work as they hadn't supplied him with a company one that day, and that it had run his battery out completely. It was strange in that a) I never said a word about why he was charging his phone and b) he doesn't need a phone much at work so surely it wouldn't have run it out of charge completely (when he charges it overnight every night anyway). Then he started waffling on about how, because it had run out of charge he had had to re-do all his WAP settings etc. Now, I have WAP on mine and frequently run out of charge but that does not affect the settings.
He's made me so bloody paranoid that I checked his pockets and the phone he claims he never uses, the old one he kept in the car, was in his pocket, fully charged.
I hate all this snooping about - it's so undignified and I usually have a lot more class about me but I have to know. Is this still sounding dodgy to everyone?
Also, due to him being on his phone in the early hours he's snoring on the settee by 7.30 every evening so me and the kids are excluded again from being a 'normal' family.

One Day Soon you'll leave him!

Hun, your posts make my hands sweat, as here is an abuser of a frightening kind. I recognise an abuser like that, bcs I was married to one.

No you don't sound pathetic. The police seem to be well-trained in domestic abuse these days, which is probably why the policeman who attended the scene way back remembers all the details. They know that abuse doesn't have to be physical, that emotional/psyhcological etc can be much more deadly.

Please get in touch with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 (24hr helpline) or have a look at their site - you can email them if you'd prefer. They are THE experts on domestic abuse, and totally know their stuff and can support you in all ways; emotionally, practically, legally. The policeman who seems to have fully understood what is going on would be a very good witness in any court proceedings ie the court will listen to him.

Abusers like this wear you down to a shadow of your former self, filling you with shame bcs you know something degrading is happening to you, but you can't put your finger on it. Just what you are saying, how it has affected you, suggests clearly that he is an abuser hun. With the support of Womens Aid behind you you will be able to withstand the onslaught when you make moves to get him out of your life. It's not easy, but you can do it. I went along to a Womens Aid support group (called Survive - there are a few dotted around the country) and that was an enormous help to meet with other women who know exactly what it is like so you don't have to explain.

I have found that reading up about abuse is a good antidote to abuse of this kind, as it's the way abusers twist up your thinking that is the most deadly and corrosive. I can dig out some titles if that helps, though there is a lot more coming on the market now.

You can get free of him one day (soon! ) x x x

He sounds totally detached from real life and the people in his real life. I would just tell him that his relationship with his phones and whatever it is he does with them is causing his real life untold damage to his relationship with you and his home life. Don't bother to do any further snooping, it doesn't matter really what he does. The point is he chooses to spend his energy and time "elsewhere". I think the advice to go and see a solicitor is probably very sound.

have you confronted him about any of this?

Caroline; that's it exactly. He's totally detached from anyone and anything in real life. So detached in fact that I have told him on many an occassion that he is just a shell...empty inside. Which is SO unlike me. I'm very tactile, emotional, have ups and downs, affectionate. He is none of these things at all and is literally starving me of all the things I feel are necessary to blossom. And yes, whatever he's doing it IS damaging his relationship with me and the kids.
There would be no point telling him that though. I have tried so many times to tell him we have a problem, to sit down and discuss things but knw what he does? Switches the tv on, waves me aside and says 'yeah ok duck, whatever'.

Matilda...I do read up on it, lol, and it's true, you do draw strength from the knowledge. To the extent that I have been quietly taking back control of my life. I have lost weight (2 stone so far), undertaken further studies and re-establishing friendships which I have neglected because he 'didn't like it'.

Lucy, I haven't mentioned this phone thing to him no, as the fallout would be worse than the uncertainty. It's only when you live with someone so controlling and calculating and downright cruel that you can appreciate that statement because to anyone in a healthy relationship it sounds pitiful

The problem is that 'apparently' his ex wife used to tell him what to do (this is what he told me...somehow I doubt it) and now he won't allow me any control of his life at all, including telling him who he can or can't talk to/phone/see etc. I'm having to atone for her 'sins' or bear the consequences.

Sorry...I'm posting one after another here! Matilda, you also hit the nail on the head when you said that I know something degrading is happening to me but I don't know what. That's the over riding emotion at the moment...I feel utterly degraded and humiliated. I also know in the back of my mind exactly what he's doing and it's not playing games (well not the sort he claims). I think you're also right in saying I should stop snooping. It makes me feel that I am stooping to his level and it's really doing me no good...only m,essing with my head

Go and see a divorce lawyer, or CAB, and describe your husband's behaviour and on what grounds you could divorce him.

Hi Anna. I saw a solicitor months back but they failed to get me legal aid. I know I could divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour...I have a list as long as my arm. This behaviour goes back a long way, and there's more of it believe me. He's just changed tack, that's all. Whereas before it was 'in your face' abuse, name calling etc now he's being overly polite and falsely interested but having all this chat room stuff.

Falsely interested as in 'so what have you done today' and then not listening when I tell him, and then asking me again an hour later. Every thing I do in the house 'what are you doing?' when it's blatantly obvious I'm cooking dinner for instance. He has NEVER shown any interest in me or the kids so it stands out like a sore thumb that he's doing it now.

How else can you get together some money to pay a divorce lawyer?

Can I play devil's advocate for a moment? Your husband is spending far too much time on his phone, on chat lines etc admittedly. What do you think his view is of you using mn quite frequently? It is sort of the same thing... It strikes me that you have both retreated away from your real life together and are both investing more time in your virtual existence. Perhaps the best thing for both of you would be to switch off the phones/computer and talk to each other. Show interest in each other. It may take a huge effort to get over the resentment but try it. If it doesn't work then at least you both know that you've basically lost interest in the real life relationship and it's probably time to move on.

Hi. I'm talking to other Mums, and it doesn't infringe on the time when he is home. I don't go out to work as he destroyed my business so I don't have the means to talk to others. he on the other hand goes to work, meets plenty of people, coaches football, goes away on training courses....and when he IS here he falls asleep at 7pm leaving me and the children in limbo. he then wakes up when i go to bed and spends half the night using chat rooms; services, I hasten to add, which are geared towards opposite sex relationships (I have been into these chat rooms to see what he's doing and believe me...that is what goes on in them). I am also not running up any kind of bills whilst asking advice from other women; however, his having cyber sex is costing upwards of £70 a week when he's not even paying the rent and owes about £40k on credit cards alone.
So no...it's not the same thing at all.

I also wouldn't do it in secret, and if I have a text on my phone it's not hidden and he'd be welcome to look at it. He, on the other hand, has 2 phones plus another sim card. In short, I am not being unfaithful and he is. Be it 'virtually' or otherwise.
Incidentally, you are also defending a man who drove his wife and kids into a refuge, had to be forcibly removed from the house by the police and has, from the day we got married, withdrawn every ounce of affection, interest and love from his wife and children. But yet again, as I cannot claim he is punching me he is getting away with it and becomes the victim.

Like I said, I think the best thing to do is lay down the devices for a night and talk about whether you actually have a relationship any more. Maybe this him doing his thing and you chatting to us lot about it is easier than getting together and facing up to the situation. If you definately want a divorce then all that needs saying is just that? I know that it will be a nightmare for you (believe me , I am in a similiar situation myself) but you only get one life to live - is this going to be it?

Sorry but that has really wound me up. I have not withdrawn from real life together...I am desperately trying to hang on to real life by grabbing at the life line and support of most of the women on here. I had scores of friends...none of whom will come here anymore becuase he is so vile to me, the kids and to them.

Also, I am not defending him. When you put it like that it's clear. You have no relationship, only simmering resentment. Get out before you find you've given you're life over to it.

I HAVE asked him for a divorce. he then goes on the charm offensive and makes me think it's all in my head. I HAVE tried several times to discuss it with him; I have pleaded, shouted, cried....but he just switches the tv on or tells me I am boring him. I have tried every single thing I can.

BUt you don't talk to each other..you are on here ,he is on his chat lines. I'm not condemning you, I am on here too aren't I?