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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH suffered a massive blow this week...

136 replies

ConcealDontFeel · 20/07/2018 23:22

...and I’m completely at a loss.

I don’t want to go into the details too much but basically it is work-related. To cut a long story short he put himself forward for something and despite all indications to the contrary (management as good as told The team that the position was his), he didn’t get it. They decided at the last minute to go “in a different direction”.

He worked so, so hard and he is really disappointed about it. I feel so bad for him because it really stings and he’s embarrassed etc. But you know, these things happen in life.

He isn’t in a good place. He’s really down. It’s been three days now and he has barely opened his mouth. My patience is wearing thin and I’m not sure what on Earth to say to him. I feel like I can’t pull him out of this. There is nothing I can say that’s the right thing.

It’s all just a bit of a mess. I’m sure he isn’t meaning to make me feel pushed out and sidelined and worried but he is. His mum and Dad are starting to lose patience with him too. He needs to pick himself back up. He knows this. But it never goes well when I say this to him.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 20/07/2018 23:29

Three days doesnt sound like that long to be feeling a bit down about whats happened. The weekend may help. Is there some back story you havent mentioned? How do his parents even aware of all this and why are they losing their patience over him being withdrawn for a few days?

Rollonweekend · 20/07/2018 23:33

I'd let him have a pity party for a few days to process it - it's still early and the suggestion of getting away is a good one. Could you even plan a day trip or afternoon outdoors which would help in him getting out of his head a bit?

He'll probably feel much better this time next week so hang on to that thought.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 20/07/2018 23:39

I know it’s not long. But I mean he’s taking himself off to bed in a sulk at 9pm. He doesn’t want to do anything over the weekend (we have small kids who need to be entertained - guess I’ll think of something..)

We are close to his parents and they knew he was going for this thing and were waiting to hear how he got on. That’s all. They feel he’s being unfair on me and the kids.

OP posts:
roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 20/07/2018 23:47

3 days is nothing. He probably feels totally humiliated. He needs time to process this. 3 weeks maybe but not 3 days. I think you and his parents are being unreasonable expecting him to pick himself up. Maybe he can't - you did say it was a massive blow.

shinyredbus · 20/07/2018 23:47

I can sympathise - my husband went through something similar- without being too outing, they basically promised him the job, made him 'write' the job description according to his CV, made him apply for the job...... only to give it to someone else because they thought he suited the role better - even though, the job was based on my husbands CV.

Sorka · 20/07/2018 23:50

It’s crushing when you work your socks off for something and don’t get in. Especially if you think you’ve finally got what you’ve earned.

I think you’re being insensitive. You have made him feeling upset and disappointed about you. You have obviously sounded off to his parents about your feelings, so now they’re weighing in too.

I feel sorry for him. He needs time to process and his family not only won’t give him that, but are ganging up on him about how him dealing with disappointment tries all of your patience.

GetToFuck · 20/07/2018 23:57

What are you up to this weekend? Any activities that might distract him? Doing something that requires concentration and focusing on the task in hand always helps my DH, who has recurrent bouts of depression.

UpstartCrow · 21/07/2018 00:01

I agree with Sorka. Is he sulking? Or is he upset? They aren't the same thing.

TheseThingsMatter · 21/07/2018 00:03

Give him more time. Three days is nothing.

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2018 00:04

Hmm I think you’re being a little unfair UNLESS he’s going to leave you to it all weekend with small children. Disappointments don’t give you a free pass from parenting.

ferando81 · 21/07/2018 00:10

3days is nothing .A bit of empathy on your side would help.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:12

Ok maybe I am being unfair. I’m tired, and he hasn’t helped me at all tonight. Just watched golf with a face like fizz then went to bed when love island came on.

I haven’t been sounding off to his parents though. They just know what he’s like at times like this (which to be fair don’t happen often).

I know it’s hard for him. I’m not trying to make it about me. I just don’t know what to do to help. I feel a bit useless.

He’s very despondent and yeah, I admit I do find it hard to have patience for the negativity. That’s not to say I don’t feel for him. I do. But what use is lying in bed? How’s that going to fix anything!

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 21/07/2018 00:14

Agree, 3 days isn’t a long time to deal with a huge disappointment. Cut him some slack, and tell his parents to do the same.

zzzzz · 21/07/2018 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:16

I’m not worried. I’ll do it and I’m happy to. But you know what? He works long hours and he barely sees them through the week. They love their weekends with him.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2018 00:16

Three days is nothing! Give him time. This is going to sting for him for quite a while.

Stop talking about it unless he wants to. You are right - nothing you say right now will make this better. Certainly telling him that he needs to pick himself up after only three days is unhelpful.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:18

Ok see this is what I was after.

Should I just not mention it? Is that the best thing to do? Will the think I don’t give a shit? Do I just keep asking if he’s ok?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 21/07/2018 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:22

I pray for the day my three year old understands the concept of personal space 😂

I’m not articulating this very well. I hate to see him like this and be unable to help him. I don’t think wallowing helps.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 21/07/2018 00:23

Yes, check that he’s okay, support him.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 21/07/2018 00:23

My husband has been through a redundancy scare this year, so I know what it's like, but I'm afraid it's just time for you to keep putting a brave face on, keep reminding him what he's good at, keep staying positive, keep listening to the endless analysis/moans. What are we here for if not to support our partners through the dark days? Three days is really nothing, be more realistic and think weeks. You are just going to have to pick up the slack and keep the family going for the both of you for a bit.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 21/07/2018 00:26

How’s that going to fix anything!

It can't be fixed though- can it. It sounds like his work have basically fucked him over. I know you want it to go away and for him to get over it asap - that would be easier for everyone but sometimes that's impossible. Especially as he has to still go into work and face these people. It's like telling a depressed person to snap out of it. Tell him they are a bunch of bastards, he deserves a wallow and you'll hold the fort for him.

Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:28

I’ve been going on about how they are bastards since it happened. And they are.

We are at a crossroads. I think he needs to leave. I haven’t said that to him though. It’s not the time. He needs to move past the initial shock.

That’s it really, roundturn I just want it all to fuck off and for life to go back to normal. It’s not that I mind picking up the slack. I’m just not good in these situations I don’t know how to do to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:29

I mean leave his work, for the avoidance of doubt. Not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:30

I’m not sure I agree that it’s like telling a depressed person to snap out of it though. I mean surely there comes a point where he does have to pick himself back up and decide what next)

OP posts: