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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH suffered a massive blow this week...

136 replies

ConcealDontFeel · 20/07/2018 23:22

...and I’m completely at a loss.

I don’t want to go into the details too much but basically it is work-related. To cut a long story short he put himself forward for something and despite all indications to the contrary (management as good as told The team that the position was his), he didn’t get it. They decided at the last minute to go “in a different direction”.

He worked so, so hard and he is really disappointed about it. I feel so bad for him because it really stings and he’s embarrassed etc. But you know, these things happen in life.

He isn’t in a good place. He’s really down. It’s been three days now and he has barely opened his mouth. My patience is wearing thin and I’m not sure what on Earth to say to him. I feel like I can’t pull him out of this. There is nothing I can say that’s the right thing.

It’s all just a bit of a mess. I’m sure he isn’t meaning to make me feel pushed out and sidelined and worried but he is. His mum and Dad are starting to lose patience with him too. He needs to pick himself back up. He knows this. But it never goes well when I say this to him.

OP posts:
Aridane · 21/07/2018 09:16

Do I just keep asking if he’s ok?

No - he’s not OK! At least ask if he wants to talk about it or if there’s anything you can do

topcat2014 · 21/07/2018 09:19

Just leave the guy alone, and don't involve his parents in these kind of adult topics in future - he is not a child!

When this happens to me (it is part of life) I just need a few days to 'get over' the disappointment.

Sillybilly1234 · 21/07/2018 09:26

This happened to someone I know. They got a new job and have never looked back. Much happier now.

Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2018 09:26

Wow some very harsh comments here from some. Just give him some time.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 21/07/2018 09:35

He needs to get a grip. It is a job Ffs. Nobody died. None of your kids are ill. It is just work.
I wouldn’t be indulging his moping around nonsense, otherwise he will still be milking this in a month’s time. Tell him he needs to get a grip.
Also agree with other poster up thread. He will have form for this kind of self-indulgent crap.

glamglittergirl · 21/07/2018 09:38

This very same thing happened to my DH. He did leave.

Whatever happens your DH WILL get over this. He just needs time. The river of life flows on. There are other opportunities out there, he's just blinkered by this lost one at the moment. We've got a very limited point of view as humans. What can appear like misfortune at the time can transpire to be a good thing as it can lead to something better. It's just about time, OP.

expatinspain · 21/07/2018 09:50

theVeryThing Exactly!!

C8H10N4O2 · 21/07/2018 09:52

Op you nail it yourself here:

I just think he needs to keep it in perspective. Yeah it’s awful and it hurts but no one died and he has a lot of good things in his life.

If he is actually depressed he needs to see a doctor. If its just the disappointment then yes, he needs to get it in perspective and plan the next move.

None of us get through a working life without the odd major disappointment. I've certainly had my share, they didn't give me the right to stop being a parent and take to my bed. This has absolutely nothing to do with being male or female, its being a parent and an adult.

So be sympathetic, cut him some slack for the first few days/weekend on household stuff if you can, but not with the kids. It isn't fair on them and they won't understand.

Then tell him he needs to sit down and plan his next move or at least start thinking about it. If this company doesn't value him look for alternatives.

The trick in work disappointments is to turn them into the driver to move to something better (or at least build the plan which itself makes you feel more empowered)

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2018 09:57

Jobs do matter. They are a significant portion of our self worth in many cases as highlighted by the extremely common ‘so what do you do?’ Question. Some people are being ridiculous. The important thing for the ops dh to come through with is that his company isn’t loyal to him, it’s not about him, it’s about some dickhead who is very bad at managing people, and they should be ashamed. He should 1. Hold his head up high, 2. Not pretend everything’s fine but own and be open that he’s royally pissed off. 3 make up a medical appts and go for coffee with a few people at other companies and recruitment people to see what else is out there - both because he should look at opportunities and people feel much better if they have choices. No need to be subtle about this, it’s not crawling into a hole to cry, it’s reacting appropriately to being screwed over. 4. Do no extra work to help the new guy or in the interim - if asked just say yes I could do that if I had been given the job but I have my own job to do.

Butterymuffin · 21/07/2018 10:00

It's ONE weekend of dealing with the kids on your own. I don't think that's too much to ask. If he'd been like this for weeks or months it might be different. He could be ill for a weekend and you'd have to do it then - why is emotional distress so much less important?

serialcheat · 21/07/2018 10:11

He's been encouraged to lift his chin up and stand on his toes with his legs slightly apart......

Then brutally kicked in the bollocks while simultaneously being stabbed in the back......

He's hurting. He's definitely allowed a little ' moping time '

And he probably doesn't just feel a failure for himself and in himself, but to you, too......

Stay positive around him, and supportive, he'll come round.

BrownTurkey · 21/07/2018 10:27

It sounds like this is a normal reaction for him, so just ride it out. People at work will probably help in due course, as they will see how close he got and recognise how cruel the situation was. I would get on with things with the kids and just keep being kind and say what feels natural. Maybe see if you can sit down with a glass of wine tonight or something.

CompletelyKate · 21/07/2018 11:06

I've experienced this both myself and DH. It's not just the awful sense of disappointment and self doubt- if the job was mine why did I blow it- it's also the well meaning support from colleagues saying how surprised and disappointed they were you/DH didn't get the post. Then on top you have to welcome in person who did get it and if they are completely new give them the information they need to do the job and be supportive of their leadership when other members of staff or external folk sidle over and say they wish you or DH had got the post even more now. It's the gift that keeps on giving until you decide to either accept it for what it is or go elsewhere. But it takes time and the most important thing was having support at home for the moments when it was difficult. It may come in waves for your DH over the next few months and knowing you have his back will help him through. He will have to be very professional at work so home needs to be where he can relax.

RedBlu · 21/07/2018 11:14

I have experienced very similar, twice! Being told the promotion was as good as mine, that the interviews were just a formality, etc and then to be told I didn't get it.

For me, it was the humiliation. One was a career move to a different team but in the same area so we all knew each other and the second was an upward move in the team I was already in. So both times, it felt like everyone knew what had happened and I found it really hard to deal with. With the one in my own team, it took me months to get over it. I felt incredibly bitter and angry towards my team, more so when the person who did get the job arrived and I was asked to train them!! Angry

It's only been a few days for your DH, it's still raw - he needs time to get over it, which he will. At the moment it's humiliating, he will be angry and he will be in a sulk. It's understandable. You need to give him a break.

peekyboo · 21/07/2018 11:34

I'm wondering if the DH is so used to being emotionally devalued growing up that he chose a partner who is also likely to ignore his more emotional times.

Is he going to bed sulking, or is he going to bed early because he's exhausted after coping with work after his disappointment?

Does he sulk as a usual reaction? Or is any emotional reaction from him perceived and labelled as sulking by his parents and, partner?

Does he succeed so we'll as a father because he is determined to be more involved and empathetic than his own parents were?

And do we need to send him the stately homes link while we're at it?

If it was him posting on here, the replies would he vastly different as we'd get his thoughts and feelings. But because he's been described as going to bed sulking after an extremely stressful and disappointing episode in his life, he's judged as wanting. And needing to man up.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 21/07/2018 11:48

He does need to man up ffs. If he is indulged in this nonsense he will just pull it again next time things dont fall his way. I bet he isnt moping in a corner at work, he will just be getting on with his job. He is saving his manchild shit for the OP.

expatinspain · 21/07/2018 11:51

Really peekyboo? That's a bit of a leap 🙄. People go through much worse in their lives; cancer diagnosis, losing someone very close to them etc and they don't shut off all communication from their partners and children. Embarrassment and disappointment do not warrant this behaviour. How would he react in an even worse situation? Leave the family to deal with his emotions?

No one is saying her DP has to carry on as normal and pretend all is fine and dandy. Just not to take his mood out on his wife and children. Talk, communicate, ask for support, as opposed to the silent treatment and checking out of family life. I know so many men who do this, but very few women. Funny that.

Butteredparsn1ps · 21/07/2018 11:57

I'm with peekaboo. I'm shocked that someone who is struggling with something is described as sulking.

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2018 12:02

Please tell me you refused redblu?!

diddl · 21/07/2018 12:48

"No one is saying her DP has to carry on as normal and pretend all is fine and dandy. Just not to take his mood out on his wife and children. Talk, communicate, ask for support, as opposed to the silent treatment and checking out of family life. I know so many men who do this, but very few women. Funny that."

Just that.

Yes, he's upset, disappointed, pride taken a blow...

But nothing tragic or insurmountable has happened.

RainySeptember · 21/07/2018 14:16

"But nothing tragic or insurmountable has happened."

No but in a partnership it is usual to expect your partner to pick up the slack while you're still reeling, otherwise what's the point.

If he was a single parent he'd have to keep firing on all cylinders. As it is, he can take a step back while he wraps his head around it.

If he's still struggling in a few days it's time for some tough love imo, but three days is nothing.

expatinspain · 21/07/2018 14:21

rainyseptember Picking up the slack is one thing, the silent treatment to the OP and her kids and a complete shutdown emotionally from family life is another thing completely.

stayathomegardener · 21/07/2018 16:19

Time.

And don't say much, cook him his absolute favourite tea that in my experience says volumes.

wantmorenow · 21/07/2018 16:38

This has just happened to my DP. There is no going back. He's handing his notice in asap. I support him, life is too short to get screwed over at work. It's humiliating and baffling.

Rach000 · 21/07/2018 18:54

I would be getting fed up of it after 3 days when you have kids to look after. Maybe give him a bit longer and lots of sympathy but then he needs to get on with things. It's not the end of the world, like you said no one died.