DH suffered a massive blow this week...

[ConcealDontFeel]

...and I’m completely at a loss.

I don’t want to go into the details too much but basically it is work-related. To cut a long story short he put himself forward for something and despite all indications to the contrary (management as good as told The team that the position was his), he didn’t get it. They decided at the last minute to go “in a different direction”.

He worked so, so hard and he is really disappointed about it. I feel so bad for him because it really stings and he’s embarrassed etc. But you know, these things happen in life.

He isn’t in a good place. He’s really down. It’s been three days now and he has barely opened his mouth. My patience is wearing thin and I’m not sure what on Earth to say to him. I feel like I can’t pull him out of this. There is nothing I can say that’s the right thing.

It’s all just a bit of a mess. I’m sure he isn’t meaning to make me feel pushed out and sidelined and worried but he is. His mum and Dad are starting to lose patience with him too. He needs to pick himself back up. He knows this. But it never goes well when I say this to him.

Then just give him some time op to lick his wounds, he probably just needs the weekend away from work. Some people don't take set backs well, and he must have reallly thought he was going to get it, and built it up in his head, especially if he told his parents etc,

I quite like what Cameron and Mitch say to each other in Modern Family "I need to feel my feelings' Give him space and time to feel his feelings and don't be an ass.

He'll also be embarrassed about going in next week and feeling ashamed and then seeing the other person in the role. He will have a tough week next week too.

I don't think anyone is being harsh. His own parents, who I assume know him better than anyone on mumsnet, think he's being unfair to OP and his kids. He's barely spoken for three days, I assume this also means interacting with his own children, he's refusing any offers of support or help from OP and isn't doing anything at home. He's still ok to go to work and partake in his responsibilities there though. So, yeah, I'm completely on the OP's side here.

You can be disappointed and work through your feelings with your partner and have their full support. Shutting people out, being sullen and moody and affecting everyone in the house and barely interacting with your own kids just isn't acceptable.

He has indeed been humiliated. He'll be thinking of his colleagues' and peers' opinions of him, wondering if they feel (as he does right now) that he's 'not as good as he thought he was'.

He is good enough but he can't process that at the moment because he's dealing with the shock. It is a shock and it's a betrayal too in a way as he was lead to believe he'd get the job and what's worse is that his colleagues were also lead to believe this by the manager. That's a lot of shit to come to terms with actually.

What can you do? Calling them bastards is really helpful - keep doing that. When you deliver a cup of tea, give him a mini-hug or comradely punch in the arm (whichever works best in your relationship) and acknowledge that it sucks, that the manager is a twat, etc.

I think you could tell him that he's too good for them, nevermind him being good enough - and maybe that will start this thoughts in the direction finding something else. For now though, he will think that he's not 'worthy' in his industry. That won't last, but that's what he thinks right now as all his plans and hopes/dreams have gone up in smoke.

You sound kind but a bit out of water with this which is fair enough. If you haven't gone through it, you won't see the undercurrents of despair swirling around in his head. Just acknowledge that they're there and you'll be helping him.

I agree that making plans for distraction is a good idea but just know that he has a giant distraction already - this, so I would make plans that he can join in if he wants to rather than plans that you will depend on him to participate in.

I'm really sorry, it's a shit time for him and for you too. Your kids will cope though.

thethoughtfox's post is very succinct and hits the nail on the head, I think.

I've been there and its shit. Yes, his confidence will have taken a huge knock and he probably would be better looking for another job, but because his confidence has taken a knock, he's probably thinking that he has no chance of getting another job. It took me almost a year from the knock-back to finding another job, and I had the satisfaction of the external candidate who got the internal only job leaving in less than 6 months, having shown herself as utterly useless. Going in to work after a blow like that is the hardest thing in the world. I think he will need the weekend to really get his head around it. Tough for you, but this time suck it up. Then you need to talk about what he is going to do now; stay or look for something else.

In your shoes I'd say 'I get that you're finding this really hard, so take the weekend and work on dealing with it. I'll help if needed, otherwise I'll leave you alone. Sunday evening we'll talk about how you're feeling and what you do next.' It is early days and he may need some time, but he also needs to remember he's part of a unit that needs him and he can't just close himself off.

We've had loads of crushing career blows over the years. Hug him, tell him he's a brilliant guy, have a 🍷 Or two, sex can help too. Berate the bosses. Tell yourselves how lucky you are for all that you have together. That's all you can do really. Don't hassle him at all. Might take a couple of weeks.

I had this where I was told and the team were told a position was mine. They then changed their mind. It was awful and left me angry for months. I now don’t trust my manager at all and it’s left it so awkward between me and the person that now has the role. My advice would be let him vent. He will sound like a broken record to you but he has to go into work every day and smile as if he totally understands and agrees with the decision and isn’t bothered at all. Maybe have a talk about what his plans are now. Does he want to get the same role if it comes up again, does he want to stay as he is or is he looking to get out now?

Given he's usually hands on even after work all day then three days is barely anything. He should the one having to go in and face everyone after not you so be supportive rather than moaning he is upset.

Yes nobody died but that doesn't mean his feelings are irrelevant and unwarranted.

That knock to his confidence is going to stop him applying else where at the moment so he's stuck where he is with no escape and can't simply leave as he needs to feed and house himself as well as you.

It's all very well, but sometimes when you're a parent you can't just opt out-it's not fair on the kids or the other parent.

It's also a complete waste of time!

He’s teaching your kids nothing about resilience. He needs to man up and get on, make a plan, look for other jobs, do something positive. You don’t just give up! And the sulking is so childish, what a baby! I don’t have much patience with wallowing - you pick yourself up, hurt or not, and carry on. Yes it’s hard, yes it feels unfair, but three days being a grumpy arse and treating your family like shit because you didn’t get one job? Come on!

I'm glad I'm not married to a lot of the poster on here.

He will be feeling bad about the job and on top of that having to face up to the humiliation of going into work the last couple of days. Once in a while it's ok to take a couple of days out to get over things. Yes, he has children to consider but he also has someone else there to pick up the slack while he processes this. What would he be like it the roles were reversed OP? Would he be telling you to snap out of it?

I dont think you realise how this feels till youve been in this situation. Op dh is being alot of emotions ranging from disappointment, embassement (sorry dyslexic) to being cross. He might also be rethinking about workkng for a company who treat people like this. Be careful op as dh could below depressed. Give few more days. Be supportive do fun things

sounds like he needs lots of hugs and love and reassurance from you right now not being made to feel rushed to snap out of it

"he also has someone else there to pick up the slack while he processes this. "

That's lucky then isn't it!

Sounds as if he might be about to tip over into taking the piss though.

I’ve been your DH in a similar scenario. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt like I had run into a physical force, I felt physically sick, achy and exhausted.

What helped, was my DH’s support, and gentle efforts to get me to talk about it - when I was ready. In the meantime he made me extra cuppa’s, offered to help out a bit more so that I could rest - and importantly - didn’t judge. He knew how much it hurt, and that it hurt because it mattered to me.

I’m almost more concerned about his parents attitude. Imagine being brought up by people who clearly dont think that something he has put his heart and soul into matters.

OP you have an opportunity here to model a much better example to your DC.

Well we all have those things in our lives that knock us for six, things that might not bother other people.

Some people take to parenthood like a duck to water, while others suffer appalling PND.

Some people experience PTSD years after an event that others lived through and moved on from.

If his identity is tied up in being good at his job, or financially providing for his family, or being respected at work, then he's going to struggle more than someone who just works to pay the bills.

So pp saying he needs to man up and model some resilience : the next time something in your life throws you into turmoil, just know that a great many people wouldn't be bothered by it and think you're being a bit pathetic.

A bit of empathy and compassion go a long way.

Real disappointment, embarrassment and humiliation are very difficult to 'get over'. You need to think about them to process your feelings but, when you do, you just feel an enormous cringe and are crippled by the feelings all over again.
Be patient and support him- especially until he has gone back to work after the weekend. That will be a huge test of his resilience.
My DH was so humiliated by being made redundant, he started drinking heavily and died 15 months later. He just couldn't get over being shafted by bosses he'd worked hard for and thought respected him.
Support him now. It's a critical time. Build him up. Make him feel loved and good about himself. Remind him of his strengths and achievements in and out of work. Discuss other potential opportunities.

This happened to me although because it was a restructure I had to reapply for a job that was very similar to my own job that i had done for years (And never had any concerns raised about my performance although i had reservations about the conditions of the new job) The team expected me to be successful. My manager indicated I was lined up for it. And then I didn't get it.

Now despite all my misgivings it was an enormous blow. My confidence was absolutely annihilated and i wasnt sure how i could put one foot in front of the other at times. Holding my head up at work was very difficult.

Now what i did was stick a grievance in (which again was stressful but gave me a good focus and a boost when it was upheld ) And then I looked at what i wanted my career to look like. I spent a while working out what i wanted to do as opposed to what people expected me to do. I learnt some new skills within my downgraded job and now ive been successful in a similar but more speciliast, more senior role and i handed my notice in recently.

All this took time. I was probably going through the motions for a good few months before the fog lifted although i threw myself into home life in that time. It's taken another year to get to the point I'm at now with better prospects. What helped was having people to sound off at when i needed, people to leave me alone when I needed it and some constructive ideas when i was looking at where I wanted to go. Sometimes dh was the right person for this and sometimes I needed friends to help.

Its a cliche but time does help. It helped me. And now im at a point where I can look back and see it all as a positive because i hadn't gone through that i wouldn't be where I am now.

He is grieving. It's not the time to make any decision. For men work IS their identity. He is still a great Dad, a great achiever, his qualities have not vanished, he is still valued for them ( You still know that), people first think about politics in the workplace, but it is not always the case. You are not his mum, you are his wife. (everybody has to pinch in, tough). You are married for better and for worse. Make clear that this is for worse for BOTH of you, it's not him against the world it's you two (against your children, Yeah !) It will sink in later, like in 10 days. People do not grieve in the same way, I would make my husband promise that I'll give him some slack but when it's my turn he'll have to be there too.
What his language ? I do forced cuddle time (give me that sock will you, then wrestling, he's twice my size, I never win, but at least he starts moving), phone calls from friends of yesteryears that admired him and who are not aware of the situation (hon guess who's on the phone), getting some sun on the skin ( I wish I had a dog, instead I make the last one yell that he wants to learn how to ride, those kids are so good at nagging), and watching cartoons ( cartoons works like drama for us girls) he can watch cartoons with the kids. Pepa pig, captain underpants and the like,"to infinity and beyond !" "Lego movie" he gets cuddle time from the kids at the same time. The simpsons does the trick in my house ( mine are slightly bigger). Sleeping and eating well in between sleep is good to. Let him sleep. And a cookie wrapped in a paper with derogative language that he never thought you knew (Have a cookie and &%$£ those people from your %&£$* job) might help. Take a day pass at the gym and put him in front of a boxing ball, let him sweat it out. We had 2 years in a row when going to the cemetery at least once a month was the new normal. I learned that grieving is part of life, it comes in all sorts of shape and size, sometimes you think you grieve for that while you grieve for something else. He has to assess the real loss, let go of it, at his own pace, it's not all grim. Something small can be devastating because it comes as a shock. Bullets are so small, if you see what I mean. He has to get the bullet out, and start healing.

This happened to DH a few years ago exempt he’d already been covering the job for 9 months during a time of great change and then when it came down to it, it was given to someone from another team. He was completely screwed over as he’d been doing it for no extra money and putting in a lot of work with the view to it becoming permenant but we believe they already knew who they wanted before the interview. It could have been super awkward going back to his old role with a new boss but he had a really good attitude and they’ve worked really well together, with dh being ‘2nd in command’. The other guy has now moved sideways and dh has finally got his role!

He could have sulked, caused problems, looked for new jobs etc but his attitude has paid off in the end! So what I’m trying to say is, he needs to sort himself out for Monday and go in with his head held high.

I don’t think he should be over it before now but I do think he’s being a bit pathetic in how he’s dealing with it. I had a very similar thing happen to me and I was gutted but I certainly didn’t stop speaking to my husband or opt out of parenting my small children over it.
Surely as adults we are able to carry on functioning even when experiencing difficult feelings.
My dh as lost jobs and had many disappointments over the years that have had a big impact on our finances but he has never behaved as you describe.
I’m finding it hard to imagine a woman opting out of family life under the same circumstances. (Some) men & their egos!

Sorry my use of Now seems excessive!