DH suffered a massive blow this week...

[ConcealDontFeel]

...and I’m completely at a loss.

I don’t want to go into the details too much but basically it is work-related. To cut a long story short he put himself forward for something and despite all indications to the contrary (management as good as told The team that the position was his), he didn’t get it. They decided at the last minute to go “in a different direction”.

He worked so, so hard and he is really disappointed about it. I feel so bad for him because it really stings and he’s embarrassed etc. But you know, these things happen in life.

He isn’t in a good place. He’s really down. It’s been three days now and he has barely opened his mouth. My patience is wearing thin and I’m not sure what on Earth to say to him. I feel like I can’t pull him out of this. There is nothing I can say that’s the right thing.

It’s all just a bit of a mess. I’m sure he isn’t meaning to make me feel pushed out and sidelined and worried but he is. His mum and Dad are starting to lose patience with him too. He needs to pick himself back up. He knows this. But it never goes well when I say this to him.

Some of you have obviously never been through this, I can't understand such a lack of empathy or patience for the people that you love.

I know Lady, I think it's because he's a male and is expected to put up and shut up and carry on earning.

It would be a very different thread if the sexes were reversed, he would be called all sorts for not supporting his partner.

boxsets Bollocks, if this was about a woman and she hadn't spoken to her kids and husband for three days, she'd be told to sort herself out!

That's what people are talking about. Shutting off emotionally from your family, not talking etc. Anyone that thinks that's ok is as much of a selfish knob as the OP's DH.

Paraphrasing the OP. "The weekends are the only time he gets to see the kids because he is always at work"

So this is someone who puts their everything into their job including losing out on seeing his kids and thought that his efforts were going to be recognised, who then gets given the finger by the company he is putting before seeing his children.

And some of you think he should be over it just like that ? OP, you're a partnership. Help him through the weekend and show him some compassion FGS... I am sure that he will do the same for you some time, or already has. As for the others posting the opposite, I hope that if something similar happens to you you don't get treated by your partner in the same way as you are suggesting.

OP, the time will come soon when he will want to take action and maybe leave. At that time suggest gently to him that maybe seeing more of the kids and being a great dad is worth more and more rewarding than any job... Maybe try and address the work life balance a little. I wish I had done it sooner as then I would remember my eldest as a young kid rather than having spent all my time working.

I spent my 20's and 30's shinning my way up the corporate pole and have what some people may consider a senior job now ( to me it is just a job... I lost the belief that work is important for anything except giving me money ). I endured disappointments, but was so focussed and bloody minded that a company who disappointed me became an ex employer very quickly ( the joy of working in the city in the field I specialised in ). I can assure you that this sort of shit is common. Whilst I try to treat those under me as human beings, the company sees people as things, resources, pawns, who can be manipulated with promises of jam tomorrow. ( No, I am not bitter or cynical, just realistic ).

Hopefully he will move to a new company who really does treat people with respect as a result of this. They do exist. It is just hard to weed them out from the rest of the bullshit spouting hives.

Good luck to you both OP. I hope that you both come through this feeling your relationship is stronger because of the supportive way you dealt with this rather than harbouring anger with each other because you unilaterally decided an arbitrary number of days was enough to get over it.

RLD

expat what a truly wonderful and empathic human being you are. Plenty of people ( not just men ) shut themselves off when given huge disappointments. Must be nice up on that ivory tower. Careful you don't give yourself neck strain whilst you're looking down on the rest of us.

I wasn't patronising. I was saying you're an un-empathic human being. But if being empathic is patronising, rather that than your tough love bollacks… Yes, life is tough, but the tough times are much easier with the support of a loving partner.

When my mum got diagnosed with leukaemia and was given three months to live, I wanted to rage and scream and lock myself away. My ex wife's way of coping and helping was to make arrangements and be practical. She wasn't wrong because it was HER way of coping, but it was at the wrong time for me. For the OP's husband, his parent's and the OP's views aren't necessarily wrong, but for him they are surely at the wrong time.

I would just say "I know you're hurting and I totally get why. I'm feeling a bit stuck as to what to say to you. If you need me to be a shoulder then I'm here. If you want to wallow for a bit then that's fine too. Just let me know what you need"

rock* I'm far from an human being lacking in empathy, and the situation you described is completely different. Someone struggling with terminal illness in the family, it's understandable that their reactions are going to be extreme and they will need all the support or space you can give them. This isn't the case here.

My ex husband used to get in dark, silent moods every time something stressful happened, as did my grandfather who brought me up. I used to feel sick as a child with nerves watching my grandmother try to
support him, look after him, give him space, anything, but after so many times of this behaviour she couldn't help but think it was her and I did too. Home life was strained and complicated. This behaviour has a big impact on everyone.

Sometimes people take things out on the people closest because they can, they shut them out and think solely about themselves. A relationship is about support and communication, this kind of behaviour can too often become a pattern and in some cases very destructive to family life.

Awww shit
I've been there and it was awful and really knocked my confidence.
Went for an internal job, was essentially told I got it, I didn't get it and it was given to my bosses friend who had absolutely no experience.
As it happens, the woman who got it was (unsurprisingly) useless and had a combative attitude which upset everyone. She lasted 6 weeks.
I was asked to step in and rocked it.
I never looked at my boss in the same way again though and I left a year later.
I'll never forget how hurt and embarrassed I was by the entire situation though.
Or how much respect I lost for people I previously respected massively.
I have no answers for your DP apart from saying that it will get better, maybe it's time to look outside his current company?
Best of luck to you both