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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH suffered a massive blow this week...

136 replies

ConcealDontFeel · 20/07/2018 23:22

...and I’m completely at a loss.

I don’t want to go into the details too much but basically it is work-related. To cut a long story short he put himself forward for something and despite all indications to the contrary (management as good as told The team that the position was his), he didn’t get it. They decided at the last minute to go “in a different direction”.

He worked so, so hard and he is really disappointed about it. I feel so bad for him because it really stings and he’s embarrassed etc. But you know, these things happen in life.

He isn’t in a good place. He’s really down. It’s been three days now and he has barely opened his mouth. My patience is wearing thin and I’m not sure what on Earth to say to him. I feel like I can’t pull him out of this. There is nothing I can say that’s the right thing.

It’s all just a bit of a mess. I’m sure he isn’t meaning to make me feel pushed out and sidelined and worried but he is. His mum and Dad are starting to lose patience with him too. He needs to pick himself back up. He knows this. But it never goes well when I say this to him.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2018 00:32

I don’t think constantly asking him if he’s OK is helpful, either. Clearly, he’s not OK. Indulge him for a bit longer - make him cups of tea and just deliver them without comment, buy him his favourite treat, make him a couple of nice meals, keep the kids out of his hair for the weekend. He needs a bit of TLC.

KickAssAngel · 21/07/2018 00:32

well, I think 3 days is plenty!
Not to totally get over it, but enough to get beyond the 'can't speak/eat/sleep' level of upset.
It will be better for him if he does some things - even if only for half an hour - and better for the rest of the family, too. It is a blow & he deserves sympathy & support, but these things happen ALL the time and we all just have to pick ourselves up and get on with things. He just didn't get something he wanted - he's not lost something precious or had someone die.

Can you encourage/suggest he comes out with you & the kids somewhere local/easy so that he is inclined to come? A bit of physical activity instead of lying around will really help him. Spending time with the kids should do as well. He can't be almost non-fucncional forever.

Ilady · 21/07/2018 00:33

It's only a few days since he heard he did not get this job. Its hard when this happens and I speak from experience in this regard. A few times I did not get a promotion or job that I expected but long term it worked out better for me.
Has your dh worked for long in this company? Has he gone for promotion before and got rejected in the past? Perhaps he is very good at his job, has a high work output compared to others doing the same job?

Perhaps his employer wants him to stay in role a rather than moving to role b?
At this stage I would bring your dh out and do something that will take his mind off not getting this job. See how work goes for him say over the next 6 to 12 months and if you feel then that he is still unhappy see if he could look into upskilling or change jobs.
One of my friends husband s worked for a number of years in the same job. He found that over time he was doing more work and not getting paid more. He then had an accident and was out of work for a while. It made him look at his job and his life in general. His wife said look I know your not happy working for X company so why don't you look for another job.He started to apply for other jobs and got a better job with more money.

Some times you have to change employers to get the job or the money you want or deserve.

ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:35

I will try to get him out of the house over the weekend.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2018 00:35

Give him a hug and tell him you and the children love him.

ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:36

Hedda I’ve done all that. I’m not a compete emotional husk. It isn’t helping.

OP posts:
ConcealDontFeel · 21/07/2018 00:37

Emotionless.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2018 00:38

Yeah, sorry ☺️

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/07/2018 00:56

Obviously, family life goes on, but it's only been three days. If he'd just put in a discreet application with everybody else and then the successful applicant had been announced and it wasn't him, such behaviour would be over-dramatic indeed.

But apart from probably having made mental plans based on the job he was told would be his, he's been professionally and personally humiliated in front of his colleagues (not to mention his extended family) and he may be concerned that they might jump to conclusions as to why the sudden change of plan e.g. "I wonder what skeleton they found in Mr Conceal's closet to make them take his job offer away - there's no smoke without fire, you know." Totally irrational, I'm sure, but these are the kind of worries that go through people's minds in cases like this.

It's very frustrating for you, especially as it's falling to you to hold things together at the moment, but don't take it as a personal slight to you. Don't be afraid to gently share with him your struggles and concerns for you all as you get through this; but whatever you do, don't use the phrase 'pity-party' in front of him.

I'd try to show compassion and just be there for him. Talk to him about his feelings but don't directly bring up the subject of the actual act of betrayal; but provide a willing and sympathetic ear if/when he does feel the need to replay it as he tried to make sense of it all. If you can, maybe try to engage him gently in getting back to normal again and make sure he's in no doubt that, whatever his workmates may have done or said, his family love and value him as much as ever, are proud that he did all he could to try and get the promotion and are behind him all the way.

And, when his confidence and security in his self-worth have started to recover, maybe suggest that he explore other avenues where his skills and experience would be more appreciated and he (and his feelings) be valued as a person by people with a significantly more professional outlook on their own jobs.

This has clearly hit him hard, but the feeling of having been cruelly set up for a kicking will pass and he has nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about. Maybe if, in time, he does decide to move to a company more deserving of him, it might just make them take stock as they realise what - and why - they will lose when he goes.

slithytove · 21/07/2018 01:06

I’d bet a few packets of custard creams that if it was the other way around you wallowing while he was dumped with the parenting wouldn’t be tolerated long.

It’s hardly a tragedy like a bereavement or an illness is it?

In which case could something more be going on? Could the stress or upset of this situation have triggered a depression which is far harder to ‘get over’?

slithytove · 21/07/2018 01:08

I feel sorry for the kids, they won’t really understand and might be a bit upset. Can he force himself for them?

ThisIsHistory · 21/07/2018 01:14

If he’s been going into work these last few days and having to put a brave face on it, he hasn’t really had three days to get over it. He’s had three days to get through. He could be just desperately trying to make it through to the weekend so he can breath again.

Rollonweekend · 21/07/2018 01:15

You can't 'fix' this. He just needs to work through it. I'd personally suck it up for this weekend and let him wallow a bit. He'll be back to himself in a few days, be patient (and don't discuss it with his parents).

dirtybadger · 21/07/2018 01:25

"Its hardly a bereavement or illness".

Well no but its been 3 days! Nobody has said "give it 6-12 months" like you might with a bereavement. More like "give it a couple more days". Seems reasonable, especially as he has presumably been at work. His reaction seems perfectly normal to me. And it may have triggered some general negative stuff- its a boot to your self esteem, being rejected in any regard. But its likely to pass.

And this may just be me, but he works long hours and is feeling a bit rough emotionally...9pm doesnt seem like a real early time to hit the hay.

The plan to get him out for a few hours over the weekend to get out of his own head and gain some perspective sounds good

Mrstobe90 · 21/07/2018 01:31

I kinda agree that you're being a bit harsh but having small children is difficult, so I understand your frustration with him not helping.
I'd give him some space to grieve the loss of this opportunity but tell him that you're sorry what happened and you're here for him if he wants to talk about it.
Maybe ask if there's anything you can do?

Giving him a path to communicate may help him.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/07/2018 01:50

It's tough. Some bounce back and some take time to get over a disappointment. Have you actually said "What can I do to help you feel better?". Often times we commiserate and sympathize but we don't actually ask what the person needs. It may very well be that he says "Nothing" but at least he'll know you offered.

My DH can go quiet when he's had a severe disappointment. Once I've asked if I can help, if there's nothing I can do I find it best to just leave him to himself. He usually manages to get back to himself in a week or so.

Italiangreyhound · 21/07/2018 01:51

I can see this is very upsetting for you and him. I'd basically tell him you love him and you are so proud of what he has done to try and get this promotion. Just say if he wants to talk about things you are there. Is there is a chance for some romantic alone-time (that you want as well) go for it. Because sometimes for some men (people) a bit of romantic alone time with their special person can have healing properties.

Maybe it is time for him to review his work life balance. He works long hours but maybe now feels he is not appreciated. So allow him a few weeks to lick his wounds then help him to move on.

Good luck.

Changedname3456 · 21/07/2018 06:44

I had something similar happen to me early on in my career. It’s humiliating and undermines your self confidence badly, particularly when your boss has all but told your colleagues that you’ve got the job.

It didn’t help that, in my case, the person he actually employed had no prior experience, wasn’t particularly good at the job and he expected me to support her heavily to get up to scratch! She was good looking, although I’m sure that had nothing to do with his decision Hmm

I moved on within a month and that helped me bounce back. It might be time for him to do the same, once he’s got over the initial shock / disappointment.

rwalker · 21/07/2018 06:45

sound like the start of depression the job could of been the straw that breaks the camels back.

W1neNot · 21/07/2018 06:46

It's funny how women don't get to indulge themselves in this way isn't it?

Not speaking, skulking off to bed at 9pm, choosing to opt out of parenting this weekend ...

Sounds pathetic. You're spot on OP.

Yes support him but I'd bet money that he's got form for this sort of thing

MidiMitch · 21/07/2018 06:56

I have been in this situation - pretty much assured a job was mine (after doing it unpaid for a year) only for it to be given to someone else. It hit me really hard and I ended up having to go to the docs for some happy pills (I have never before or since had any mental health issues). Your husband will be feeling deeply humiliated - I felt that everyone was talking about me and people kept stopping me in the corridor to give fake condolences. It's all turned out well now - a different job and now at a more senior level than I could have got to if things hadn't gone this way. It will take time for you DH to heal - definitely more than 3 days and I don't think he is being unreasonable to have a child free weekend.

Fatted · 21/07/2018 06:59

To be fair, you sound like my DH. He's always trying to 'fix' problems when I talk to him about things upsetting me. He doesn't understand somethings can't be fixed and I just want someone to talk to without any judgment.

Just let him have some space to sulk for the weekend. Yes it's annoying, the kids miss out etc. But let him have the weekend alone if that's what he needs. Then start talking about how you're both going to get over this together.

topsy2tails · 21/07/2018 07:08

A massive blow?

A massive blow is when you hear your partner is leaving you.

Or your child is diagnosed with a life threatening condition.

Or someone you love has been killed in an accident.

It's a setback.

Tell the snowflake to suck it up and get back to his real job. That of parenting his children!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/07/2018 07:13

Send him off alone today. It’s sunny. He can do an all day cycle or walk with a pub lunch. Endorphins and head space. Help him put things in perspective.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/07/2018 07:21

topsy2tails

^^ this
He needs to get a grip. We all have set backs in life, but he has a family that needs him, he needs to such it up and spend time with his kids.

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