Am I insane to believe this?

[BelleEnd1]

DH went out on Monday night to meet a "colleague". I had doubts so challenged him and when backed into a corner, he admitted he had gone round to a woman's house. He has history with this woman, before we were together but has also had shady interactions with her since we've been together.
He told me he was an idiot but went round to help her with her CV. He produced the CV when challenged.

I kinda believe him but also have nagging doubts... alongside the fact that if I read this from someone else on here, I'd think they were fucking mental to believe him.

This “man” has no true feelings for anyone apart for himself , I think you’re looking at this as a competition op and he is no prize. She has a faulty moral compass to even accept such side offerings and he is a full on dickhead .
Leave them to it and find yourself a lovely guy who doesn’t put you through this shit. Xxx

It would be tricky to leave, yes.

I sat down last night and read other posts I have written under other names about him. I felt quite sad. I would hate to read one of my friends writing something like that.

I appreciate the advice and understand as a reader why it's frustrating when OPs don't immediately find their balls and up and ltb. But I will keep this at the back of my mind as I muddle on.

@BelleEnd1 I fully understand how difficult it is to leave someone who is no good for you.
I have been divorced, took me a long time to get the balls to up and leave him - I have never regretted doing so.

Now I am in a relationship that I know is shit, but what keeps me going with it is that we have children and I do not want them coming from a broken home BUT I am fully aware that we are on borrowed time, I can not keep living like this and it will start to have an effect on my children at some point, so sooner rather than later I am going to have to own the fact that I am not happy. I am not happy being treated like a doormat and I'm not happy being lied to when it suits and only told half truths when it suits.

The saddest thing from your update was 'I will keep this at the back of my mind as I muddle on.'

MN is here if you want an outlay for venting, don't be too put off by the fact that you have been adviced to leave but feel you can not right now.

@youarenot thank you

@BelleEnd1 It's totally your call, I hope it all works for you and your family.

OK BelleEnd, I know that, much as we'd like you to just kick him out, you don't feel like now is the time.

Please post in the future if you want to - there is always support for you here. And maybe think about things you could do to just explore the option of ending things in the future. Maybe that looks like thinking about where you would live and saving up some money just in case. Maybe it's making sure your contraception is locked down. Maybe it's even going through all your stuff - paperwork, sentimental items, clothes - under the guise of "spring cleaning" and just get everything streamlined and sorted out in case you decide to move so it doesn't seem like an insurmountable task. (Before the end of my last relationship I went through all my books, took loads to charity and wrote my name in the front of all the ones I was keeping. I didn't realise what I was doing at the time, but looking back, I wad basically packing.) Maybe it's making sure you feel your best self - making time to see your friends, taking exercise, doing a hobby that makes you feel happy.

You are important, you have value, you get to decide how you live your life and you have options.

Thank you user and Send

I call absolute bullshit I’m afraid

I'll be a little more blunt. It's fine to stay, but stay knowing this man is lying to you and shagging someone else. Don't try to kid yourself he isn't, or that he has no feelings for this woman. Accept that he is physically and emotionally involved with another woman.

Stay but be honest with yourself about it. Stay with your eyes open about what you're doing and taking from him, becayse if you try to convince yourself otherwise you will simply walk into a world of pain when it becomes apparent to everyone else.💐

Op, you already know, from (a) the sexting (b) the money loan (c) the save-the-CV intervention how corrosive this is to your peace of mind.

Newsflash: it won’t get any better. I’m so sorry but every time you are feeling doubt, you are feeling third-best: you rank after your DP, then this woman or some other person who prickles your instincts, and then finally there is you. It’s just not good enough. Living on your nerves, checking phones, messaging this woman - it is no way to live. Doubt and suspicion are horrendous and extremely damaging. Please consider cutting your losses. I know what it’s like: I totally understand your quest for validation and certainty, and I went through all that, but even when we went through a trial separation, my now-ex seemed to be the only human on earth that could change her lightbulbs, and the damsel in distress was ever so empathetic in offering her spare room after I finally kicked him out

My ex had this really weird thing with a friend. I still genuinely believe he didnt cheat but i told someone tonight the full story which ive never done before and she couldnt believe or make sense of it either. Their behaviour left me questioning whether anything anyone said was real. They gaslighted me constantly. Its a large part of the reaaon i left and he has the cheek to tell people i was manipulative. I honestly wish he had just bee shagging her. That i could process eventually. Id already accepted he didnt want me and tbh i knew i didnt want to be with him anymore. I just couldnt leave for lots of reasons. He eventually stopped having contact when he could no longer deny his behaviour. He never exained it. Just said he didnt know hy he behaved like it. But it mentally did me in. I couldnt get over that.

My current bf also had a weird thing with his sister in law. She blatantly had some sort of limerant type thing for him. He cut contact her after a couple of months of him giving her several chances to behave herself (for the sake of family more than anything). He definitely wasnt having sex with her. It was very strange and quite distressing to be honest. Especially as she would cause trouble and initially he believed her. It was upsetting but i could see why he believed her. She was very convincing and good at it and hed known her a lot longer, most people would beleive someone theyve known 17 years over someone theyve known a couple of months. That hasnt effected me like ex. The truth came out in the end and weve discussed it at length. He cut her out mostly because of behaviour regarding me, the way she spoke about me etc and several times walked away from her in public because of how she was talking about me and defended me at length before cutting contact with her too which helped make up for the initially not beleiving me.

So i know what you mean by it being odd behaviour on someones part at least. With my ex they both behaved strangely. With current boyfriend it was her behaviour that was odd. But im 99% certain ex wasnt cheating physically and im 100% certain current BF hasnt been with SIL. But that didnt matter for my ex and i because so much damage was done in other ways, it simply doesnt matter if he was having sex with her or not to me.