Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I insane to believe this?

136 replies

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 16:37

DH went out on Monday night to meet a "colleague". I had doubts so challenged him and when backed into a corner, he admitted he had gone round to a woman's house. He has history with this woman, before we were together but has also had shady interactions with her since we've been together.
He told me he was an idiot but went round to help her with her CV. He produced the CV when challenged.

I kinda believe him but also have nagging doubts... alongside the fact that if I read this from someone else on here, I'd think they were fucking mental to believe him.

OP posts:
Ihatemycar · 27/08/2018 11:59

I'll have a make or break conversation. Sometimes it's the only way. And you aren't breaking your family up. He is by behaving in an inappropriate way.
Be brave and talk to him. Even if he isn't doing anything physical with her there is a connection and he needs to stop or risk splitting your family up.
Ultimately is how much you can put up with his bad behaviour.

AngelsAckiz · 27/08/2018 12:54

100% speak to the DP of this ow.
Then you will really get the truth.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 11:05

I'm on the verge of messaging the OW to ask if he's been in contact. Is that stupid? She would lie anyway wouldn't she?

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 28/08/2018 12:07

Nobody deserves to be treated with such a lack of respect.
You'll be fine without him. You aren't breaking up the family, he is, by doing what he's doing.
Thanks

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 28/08/2018 12:09

She will lie, get angry op and use that anger to get your ducks in a row and kick this spineless douche to the curb Flowers xxx

Hissy · 28/08/2018 12:20

She has shown you how she is, rather than come back to you, she flagged it up to him.

she knows what she is doing and she's doing it again
HE knows what HE is doing and he doesn't give a fuck.

If you want to text someone, text him to FTFO

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 12:48

Ok I've messaged her. Which was completely mental. And now I'm a pathetic fool. Ffs.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 28/08/2018 13:06

Yeah, she's going to lie, and then tell him you messaged her.

What's the point? They're both lying to you.

MilkshakeMonkey · 28/08/2018 14:02

The thing is, she’s not the problem. Obviously your pissed at her and she has moral issues BUT he is the lying asshole.
I doubt she will reply and may just block you (it depends if she enjoys the attention/drama). HE needs to answer your questions, HE needs to be honest, HE needs to be bending over backwards to save your relationship.
Good luck OP

mrsaxlerose · 28/08/2018 15:08

He is cheating. sorry

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 15:27

:-( no reply yet- don't think she's read the message

OP posts:
userxx · 28/08/2018 15:40

Did you message on WhatsApp? If you have her number in there and your husbands you can check to see their last seen time - it might tally up.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 15:42

Sadly not, I've sent her a message on fb messenger

OP posts:
Maximoo06 · 28/08/2018 15:53

Don't torture yourself you know the answers deep down.... all your going to find out is stuff that's going to hurt you and stay with you forever. Get out while you can

Freshstart19 · 28/08/2018 15:58

What you really need to do, is throw his arse out!

meowimacat · 28/08/2018 16:13

@BelleEnd1 you messaged her before and she went straight to your husband when she thought he was at work to tell him. Isn't that right?

So why would she now respond? Both her and your husband have feelings for each other which you are trying to ignore. Like others have said, if he just wanted to get his end away he could do that with anyone. Over the years he has gone back to her every time, she clearly has a hold on him and he does on her.
It's an unnacceptable 'friendship' and yet you sit there with rose coloured lenses on, saying your relationship is 'great.' - It's not great if he's unblocked and in contact with someone when he promised he wouldn't be. It's not if you have to check things like this because the trust is gone.

Reality is- he has unblocked her, they are in contact. He has disrespected your wishes and taken the effort to unblock her. Who knows maybe they even see each other on occasions still. They both seem very loyal to each other so I doubt you'll get the truth. But that's the problem, you want the truth and evidence so you can make your mind up. You are never going to get that though, he isn't honest and neither is she.

I'm sure she will have told him you have contacted her now so he'll be deleting anything and covering his tracks again.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 16:43

@meowimacat I guess, yes, this is what I probably think

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 28/08/2018 16:45

Cv
Cock +vagina.
He was sort of being honest.
As good as you will get anyway imo.

bethy15 · 28/08/2018 17:42

Is she still working with him?

BifsWif · 28/08/2018 17:46

Why are you doing this to yourself?

You know he’s lied to you, you know he keeps coming back to her. She won’t reply to your message, she’ll just tell him.

Is this the life you want? Please find your self respect and tell him to fuck off.

Rockinmomma · 28/08/2018 17:48

Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Going back to your WhatsApp questions, yes there is a block list. He very likely deleted the chat history making it look like he’d blocked her.
I think you’re in a bit of shock with some denial. Have you anyone irl you can stay with a couple of days to get your thoughts together?
Definitely do not contact OW again, as others have said her loyalties are with him not you and to be frank, you’ll just make yourself feel worse.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 19:03

They don't work together, never have.
She was blovkrd on his WhatsApp, he showed me. Then I asked to see his blocked list a few days later and it was magically empty.

She did message me back eventually after the initial meet- also convinced me nothing had happened.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 28/08/2018 19:07

You’re worth more OP. Even if it’s totally innocent, he lies and lies and lies. That’s no basis for a relationship.

And no, there’s no way to remove someone from a block list without doing it manually.

bethy15 · 28/08/2018 19:13

For some reason I thought he worked with her and that's why he helped her, and she was looking for a job in the same field.
Must've been another thread.

OK, so it would've been even easier for him to stop contact with this woman. There's no reason for them to be in contact any more, especially since he's fooled around with her during your marriage. He's emotionally invested in her, more so than you TBH. If he cared for you he wouldn't keep contacting the woman he used to fuck.

SendintheArdwolves · 28/08/2018 21:30

OK so messaging her is unlikely to give you any reliable answers, but at least you are doing something. I was concerned you would just ignore it and pretend everything was fine.

I understand that you desperately wish this would just go away, but you will make yourself so miserable if you don't admit to yourself what is happening. Pretending that everything is fine will drive you crazy, and isn't really possible. He has destroyed the trust in your relationship and that isn't something you can just live with Flowers