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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I insane to believe this?

136 replies

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 16:37

DH went out on Monday night to meet a "colleague". I had doubts so challenged him and when backed into a corner, he admitted he had gone round to a woman's house. He has history with this woman, before we were together but has also had shady interactions with her since we've been together.
He told me he was an idiot but went round to help her with her CV. He produced the CV when challenged.

I kinda believe him but also have nagging doubts... alongside the fact that if I read this from someone else on here, I'd think they were fucking mental to believe him.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 17:12

hellbells I told a friend irl and that's what she said- why didn't he help over email. She did however said that she believed him and thinks he's just been a stupid test.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 17:12

*TWAT, not test

OP posts:

AlwaysSleepy1 · 19/07/2018 17:15

why did he admit it? we're you going to catch him out? if he volunteered it without a risk of being caught I think that supports some honesty but I also think you should insist on no contact with this woman (aside from work if there's no option there)...

MiggledyHiggins · 19/07/2018 17:17

I helped my friend with her CV not too long ago. Since her house is a couple of hundred miles away we did it via email.

He had NO need to call over to her. He did so because he wanted to see her. He decided to lie to you to do it. He's broken the tenuous trust you had after the last incident with her - and that's enough even if they only sat and made cows eyes at each other over typos.

And even if it had to be done in person -which it doesn't- , did he not cop on to text back "Sorry, can't help you. Out of respect for Belle and considering what's gone on before, you need to find someone else to do your CV" and then be transparent with you about her messaging him.

Something stinks here Belle. You know it deep down.

Original poster

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 17:23

Yeah I guess that's what I am worried about- it's all a bit stinky.

No, he only offered up the info when there was no way out. So I guess he's just said the minimum he can? The thing is, I can't make him tell me and I might have to accept that I'll never know what happened- and that kills me a bit

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 19/07/2018 17:25

Thing is, whether he's actually 'done anything' or not you are still left with the knowledge that he is ok with lying to you in order to do something he knows would hurt you. I'm not sure how you ever truly get past that, he did something he knew you would be upset by for no real reason other than he wanted to. He in no way had to help her, he chose to and with a woman he has form with, I'm not sure how you come back from that tbh. Sorry OP, I'm sure that's really not what you wanted to hear but the very least we should expect from our partners is loyalty.

Prestonsflowers · 19/07/2018 17:31

You messaged her and she didn’t reply but text your DH
That strikes me as them getting their stories straight.
He also has form for lying,
It’s up to you what you do next but I wouldn’t like to live like that, knowing that he’s a liar and very possibly a cheat

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/07/2018 17:32

I'm a freelance editor and often edit CVs - I rarely meet my clients as all the work and any correspondence is conducted via email. There's absolutely no need to go round to someone's house. It can all be done virtually.
Tricky one though with no real proof that he's lying. Maybe say nothing more for now but remain vigilant, it there's something going on they'll trip themselves up again.

EvenThoughYouDidCHEAT · 19/07/2018 17:34

I feel really backed into a corner over this. Essentially my choices are
-believe him and just drop the whole thing
-leave him and break up our family

It's pretty clear you don't believe him (as you shouldn't - this is such blatant cheating it's insulting that he would lie so badly), so actually your choices are more like:

accept that your husband is a liar and a cheat and try to live with that
don't accept it and divorce him (in which case it will be his fault that the family is broken apart, not yours)

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 19/07/2018 17:39

I think you already know what happened OP, as many people have said you can tweak someone’s cv without having to meet them face to face.

Get your ducks in a row before he leaves you on his terms .

So sorry you’re going through this , what a shit head .

Also the OW will never admit anything or she will just minimise , lets face it she could just style it out with her DP and say “she just lent money from a friend so what’s the issue” . Go with your gut xx

Fluffywuffyunicorn · 19/07/2018 17:48

Given the history I would think he cheated. Why else not tell you and wait til her dh was there? I'd be inclined to ask her dh if he knew and was OK about it, given their history?
I would give dh two choices. Either tell me the truth because he's definitely lying, and maybe then we could try and move on and work on the relationship. Or keep lying and split up.

bethy15 · 19/07/2018 17:50

I think whether or not he did anything with her isn't really the biggest issue.

The big issue you have is that he puts her and her happiness above you and yours. He's prepared to lie to you for her, give her money, and the sexting (photos?) also proves he's into her sexually.

He's deeply attached to her, and he's still on her hook. She can call him for anything and clearly he'll come running.

How did it end with them? I wonder if all along he's had feelings for her (possibly unrequited?) due to their history and the fact she's made appearances a lot throughout your marriage.

I don't know whether you'll get the truth from him, but maybe you need to have a calm and honest conversation with him about his feelings for this woman. His true feelings, because clearly something's going on. If it wasn't, why would he need to lie about where he was going in the first place?

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 17:57

You know he's lying. You know he is cheating.

Is the problem that you don't feel justified in breaking up when you don't have 100% iron clad proof?

He will definitely make out that you are being unreasonable, he did nothing, you are crazy, you are totally unjustified for divorcing him, he's so wounded as he tells his friends and family about what a big crazy meanie you are. Question is, do you care enough about that to tolerate him taking the absolute piss out of you?

If you divorce it is because you have lost trust and respect for him. You can say that even if nothing did happen over the alleged CV help, it made you realise the trust has gone, your respect for him has gone, his respect for you was gone too or he wouldn't have put himself in such an awkward position with his ex-mistress.

Joysmum · 19/07/2018 18:01

In essence, her needs continues to be more import to him than your need for him to be truthful to you.

Ifyoukeepchanging · 19/07/2018 18:06

Why couldn't her own dp have helped her? Was he there? He is aware that yr dh was there? If its innocent then surely it's ok that he knows? Or is she trying to entice him. Someone on here once said women need a reason men just need a place. R u ok as a couple? If not she may be aware and needling her way in?

pisces7268 · 19/07/2018 18:11

I think you should contact her DP. Just ask if he knows your husband was there the other night or not. If not they both lied about being together and that is suspicious and he might find out more info than you have.
Why is he even in rich with her nevermind caring enough to 'want to help with her cv'

pisces7268 · 19/07/2018 18:12

In touch *

SomeKnobend · 19/07/2018 18:12

He's in a relationship with her that he knows you wouldn't approve of so he's been lying to you to try to cover that up. The relationship has been going on for years and there is certainly a mutual sexual attraction, as there has been sexual interaction between the two of them - albeit by text (as far as can be proven). Why is he even still in touch with her, when he had an affair/emotional affair? He should have cut all communication immediately if he was serious about his marriage.

So despite years of history, the fact they fancy each other, the fact they would (and have) crossed marital boundaries and insisted on continuing contact with each other since, the fact he went round there while her husband wasn't in, and the fact he lied to you about it, you want to know if you should believe that he went round there with totally platonic intentions to help her with her CV? Really? Really OP?

How many years have you wasted on being this man's fallback woman, who he passes time with when he can't sneak away to be with her? Wake up. You are wasting your life, or rather you're allowing him to waste your life. We're all dying. Tell him to get his lying, cheating arse out of your house and move on.

Queenbee93 · 19/07/2018 18:19

Why did he bring her CV home with him, except as "proof"?

I completely agree with this.
Why else would he have brought it home?
To work on it at home?
Then why go in the first place when she could've just sent it to him?

Sorry OP but don't listen to him

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2018 18:50

Why did he bring her CV home with him, except as "proof"?

Really good point.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 19:04

I think he's telling the truth. He should have been honest...but I'm sure he knew you wouldn't be impressed.

I'd tell him that you don't want any contact with her from this day forward...and if there is...It's over for good.

I've helped people with CVs before...so being an adult doesn't mean you're above getting help.

fridayrain · 19/07/2018 19:10

OP said CV was on laptop. I'm not sure but assuming he didnt make any changes, can you check the date and time of both Last Modified and Last Accessed?

Original poster

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 19:14

Thank you for your thoughts.

Cv was emailed to her around the time he left her house.

I've told him I don't want him to have any more contact. He says that he blocked her when she messaged this morning.

I just feel exhausted.

OP posts:

fridayrain · 19/07/2018 19:25

Sorry you're having to go through this. To me the history just makes their contact more insulting, even if nothing happened. And now because of his disrespectful actions you're put in a really shitty situation. Suppose the question is are you going to be able to trust him again.

Peonylover123 · 19/07/2018 19:30

I think I'd actually believe him. I think he did help her with his CV...however, the reason why he helped her is because he fancies her/wants to keep in her good books. So it doesn't really matter, he lied to you, you should move on

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