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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I insane to believe this?

136 replies

BelleEnd1 · 19/07/2018 16:37

DH went out on Monday night to meet a "colleague". I had doubts so challenged him and when backed into a corner, he admitted he had gone round to a woman's house. He has history with this woman, before we were together but has also had shady interactions with her since we've been together.
He told me he was an idiot but went round to help her with her CV. He produced the CV when challenged.

I kinda believe him but also have nagging doubts... alongside the fact that if I read this from someone else on here, I'd think they were fucking mental to believe him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 21:35

Why would you block a friend who you were only helping with a cv. You wouldn't. Then unblock her as soon as you looked the other way.

He's cheating.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 22:13

It's difficult without being in the situation to explain but I really don't think he's cheating with feelings (does that make any sense). I'm not even 100% sure he's cheating at all.

But he has lied and as people have said, this has caused the trust issues. And whilst I really don't think he has romantic feelings for her, yes he is putting her feelings and needs ahead of mine.

He said he blocked her because he realised when he was there that he was being an idiot jeopardizing what he has with me to help her out.

OP posts:
userxx · 28/08/2018 22:19

BelleEnd - I can understand you giving him the benefit of the doubt, I really can but I think you need to open your eyes a little bit. I really hope you are right and it all works out ok.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 22:22

Op, I'm sorry, but cmon, he blocked her and promptly unblocked her. He's been with her before, why would you believe he is cheating with no feelings?

I get why you wish to believe it, but I think you know the truth here, I'm sorry.

Grab hold of your dignity and end this.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 22:22

Thank you, I am really ok.

I just feel a bit unhinged I think. I've just sat watching netflix with him for 2 hours but now I'm back on here thinking why the shit bags did I message OW?

I'll be fine again but then the thoughts get stuck in my head like an ear worm. I did mention it to him the other night. That he had broken my trust and I was still struggling. He went quiet and went to bed early. :-(

OP posts:
bethy15 · 28/08/2018 22:25

But he has cheated with her before.

And he's slept with her before you were together.

And he's given her money. And he's still in contact with her and going around her house and Whatsapping her.

I think you're in serious denial about it all, as evidenced by contacting her, even though you knew deep down in was futile and she wouldn't confess to you and just tell him you've contacted her.

If he has no feelings for her, why does he even need her in his life still after the sexting photos (cheating)?

userxx · 28/08/2018 22:31

Op, the reason why the thoughts keep coming back is because you are not addressing the issue, it's not resolved in your mind. You can keep trying to bury them but it will keep rearing it's ugly head.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 22:31

@bethy15 I mean when you spell it out like that.... I do sound like a sad fucker Sad

OP posts:
Cazastrophe · 28/08/2018 22:33

I’d be very very suspicious and wouldn’t believe this. Why not invite the woman to your house to do her cv if it was all above board and innocent. I’d be checking his phone from now on...

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 22:35

@cazastrophe I went through a period of checking his phone a few years ago after the sexting thing. It drove me insane. I don't want to be like that anymore. I found I was constantly full of adrenaline and waiting to snatch time alone with his phone.

OP posts:
Bodear · 28/08/2018 22:38

OP, what do you think the most likely scenario is? What do you think has happened between them, what do you think he feels for her and what do you think is likely to happen in the future (assuming you don’t change things)?

userxx · 28/08/2018 22:38

@BelleEnd1 The adrenaline feeling is actually anxiety - fucking horrible feeling. Please be kind to yourself and get some stronger boundaries.

bethy15 · 28/08/2018 22:41

@bethy15 I mean when you spell it out like that.... I do sound like a sad fucker sad

No, you most certainly are NOT! Don't speak about yourself like that.

He's the absolute shit who has treated you like crap and made you doubt yourself and what you know deep down to be the truth. It's all on him, but you just need to open your eyes a bit more. It's obvious he is invested in her, but even if he wasn't, his behaviour is still awful.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/08/2018 22:47

He has really diminished you to the point that:

  • if he is ‘only’ sexting then it’s ok
  • if he is cheating but there aren’t romantic feelings, it’s ok
  • he still sees someone he has cheated on you with in the past and given money to and it’s ok as long as he (pretends) to block her now

None of it is ok. Why are you wasting your precious, only life accepting this utter shit? This disrespectful, loveless bullshit?

I bet in RL he’s an unremarkable AnyBloke and you are letting him treat you and your life and your love like it’s all nothing.

Wake up OP! You deserve so much more, it’s ridiculous.

IsabellaMoltisantixx · 28/08/2018 22:48

@BelleEnd1

Belle.. sorry tbh here but everything you've said about him points to him cheating with this woman
People may think I'm paranoid but after fifteen years of similar lies, shady stories I cannot trust anything now

At the end of the day I don't think men can be even be friends with women these days, I might get stuck for this but I reckon there's too much temptation

Why would he be helping her with his CV if he didn't want anything in return? Helping her etc . Men are just so weak in that way n have so much temptation
It's hard but u either gotta confront him that he's cheated or just pretend like he hasn't

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 28/08/2018 22:57

@bodear I think she asks him for help with things and he likes to be seen as the big I am and helps her out. I'm sure he's probably attracted to her.

I think my feelings are not even bottom of the list... just not considered.

Things are so much better than they used to be and I'm generally (before this) pretty happy.
It makes me really sad to think thatch might be wasting my life or that a truth could come out in the future. Maybe there isn't another truth but I just can't relax- I feel likecim waiting for him to come clean.

OP posts:
Bodear · 28/08/2018 23:11

@BelleEnd1
What do you think he feels for her? What do you think is likely to happen in the future if you don’t change things?
You know them much better than we do so you know the answers to the those questions better than we do.
Maybe another way to look at it is this; if he confessed to sleeping with her would you leave? If you wouldn’t leave then there’s really no point knowing anyway. If you would leave then either hire a private detective or just realise that you already know enough.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2018 23:18

I think she asks him for help with things and he likes to be seen as the big I am and helps her out. I'm sure he's probably attracted to her*

Op, what are you saying? He's shagged her, you know this for a fact so yes he's attracted to her, he's still seeing her,

Not wanting to leave him because of it is one thing, but at least be honest on here and with youtself, this is a long term relationship for him.

user1467232073 · 28/08/2018 23:27

You keep coming back to it because you know deep down it’s not right. You are looking for more and more proof because he is laying that seed of doubt in your mind. If this was your daughter in this situation what would you say? It’s so hard to leave the relationship, if you don’t feel ready, try and psychologically step back (without him knowing and watch and wait). In the meantime, be kind to yourself do things to boost your own self esteem

userxx · 28/08/2018 23:53

@IsabellaMoltisantixx I disagree with so much of what you have wrote. Of course men and women can be friends, I've had male friends help me out and I'm pretty sure they weren't expecting a blow job. Not all men are weak little creatures that lose control whenever they see a nice pair of tits.

SendintheArdwolves · 29/08/2018 07:21

Not wishing to derail, but Isabella, I think you are wrong - stop trying to excuse one man's shitty behaviour by saying "they're all like that, can't resist temptation, men are weak, etc".

All men most certainly aren't weak creatures who will cheat as soon as you take your eye off them, and women don't have to resign themselves to a certain level of crappy behaviour if the men around them think they can get away with it.

OP, you deserve better than living with this constant anxiety.

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 09:37

Either let it go and believe him or leave him. Your torturing yourself at the moment OP, and you have the choice not to do that. Make a choice that's kind to yourself.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 29/08/2018 13:13

I guess I do need to let it go because you're right, I am torturing myself.

OW hasn't opened my message so I assume she's ignoring it.

OP posts:
puzzledlady · 29/08/2018 14:34

Op. In the nicest way - stop being so naive. Pick up what dignity you have left and leave. Why are you still with this guy?? You don’t trust him - forever more you will doubt him. When he goes to the shop - is he meeting her? Out for a drink with mates, is she there? Don’t do this to yourself.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 14:39

You're just going to accept it op?

Can I ask why? Is it because it's too difficult for you to leave?