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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

telling him it's emotional abuse....

102 replies

blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 00:34

My marriage is in pieces. I have mentioned some of the issues on MN before using another name. We are struggling with the fallout from his "affair" with a colleague. Not full blown but definitely emotional and kissing and now over. But they still work together.
But this situation has just brought everything to a head. Namely the way he treats me. So I have had years of it - emotional abuse and angry tempers involving punching of walls and household items / smashing items. Never hit me and i believe he never would. He pushed me once and said "feel like killing you!"
Lots of this several years ago but still recent / very recent tempers / swearing at me / emotional stuff.
When I mention all this and say I don't like it this is his response ... "Why mention stuff from years ago?" " you don't forgive". "I don't do it often." "you saying i'm a violent husband?!" "I'm not that bad"
Yes of course he can be very loving and good but not all the time. He often says "you don't know what goes on in other homes" "I've said I'm sorry".
He makes me feel guilty with some of these comments about forgiveness. These comments also apply to the affair situation which I'm struggling to get over. Some days I say ok I forgive / I will try to move on. Then I change my mind especially when he is horrible to me and now he says I'm being unfair to him. I keep trying to be honest with him. One part of me wants to just walk away completely.
We started couples counselling but because I disclosed some of his behaviours they will no longer do joint sessions. He has just found out about this and he is upset and cross.
It has helped me to be more assertive and straight with him. I have only recently talked about him being controlling and now I am saying more. I still haven't said "emotional abuse" but I am trying.
The counsellor and I have suggested he has individual counselling about his behaviours but he still isn't fully sure. He says he will go because I've asked him but then in a row he will say the opposite... "I've forced him to go!" He also says what will it be about and what's the point? He just doesn't seem to get it.
Have I been a fool to put up with his behaviour for so long. Why does he make me feel guilty for "Bringing up the past?" Please tell me that it is not normal to tell your partner to f off and call them an f... sh ... bla bla (sorry for swearing)? I feel so anxious when he starts and so resentful about it all. So many posts I read on MN are so similar to my situation and they have helped me tremendously.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/07/2018 06:07

He has been emotionally abusive and it sounds like he still is. Divorce him op, he's not going to change

8FencingWire · 17/07/2018 06:19

He’s abusive. Don’t bother anymore, get out and be happy 💐

tillytown · 17/07/2018 06:25

Op, you can swear as much as you want on here, its fine.
Your husband has cheated on you, smashes your stuff, and is verbally abusive, he is a nasty dickhead. You don't have to put up with his crap.

JellyBean31 · 17/07/2018 06:41

I could have written your post OP. Me exh persuaded me the "affair" was partly my fault. I'd been emotionally abused for so long, I actually believed him, but that meant I could never bring it up because all I'd be doing was bringing up my own shortcomings!!

It wasn't until I found this site I even started to recognise his behaviour as abusive and found the strength to leave. I was in a no win situation, you are too I'm afraid.

DownTownAbbey · 17/07/2018 06:46

He wants you to 'forgive' the affair and the abuse because it bores him that you don't just stf up and do what he wants. He doesn't care about your feelings, they annoy him.

Why are you flogging this dead horse? Why do you want to stay with this nasty piece of work?

RedPill · 17/07/2018 06:58

You deserve better op Thanks

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/07/2018 07:05

He won't get it. He knows already. He doesn't care. Making you feel bad, makes him feel better. He enjoys it. There are no magic words, no magic labels, that will make him change. No 'forced' counselling will make him get it. He simply DOESN'T WANT TO!
You need to get it: your husband is emotionally AND physically abusive. Pushing, smashing, punching walls ARE physical ways of controlling you and therefore physical abuse.
You need to stop minimising his behaviour. Bet you believed he would never have and affair. Bet you believed he would never punch walls in anger. Bet you believed would never treat you like dirt. Bet you believed he would never swear at you. Bet you believed he would never push you and say he wanted to kill you. And yet you believe he won't hit you? With his track record?

You can't fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. You can't fix your marriage. The only thing you can fix here is you. By leaving. Stop flogging this dead horse of a marraige.

GreenItWas · 17/07/2018 07:19

One of you needs to do some clear thinking and take action and it isn't going to be him OP. Re-read and see what we all see. Please stop allowing him to do this or breathe the same air as you

SmileSweetly · 17/07/2018 07:34

I'm wondering ,after years if unhappiness, why you haven't left him yet? If you did, you'd be so much happier, he's really never going to change.

Cawfee · 17/07/2018 09:13

Don’t you think you’ve put up with enough OP? He’s had too many chances. He’s vile and disrespectful and no his behaviour isn’t normal. Nobody should or would put up with him. Cut him loose and get on with your life. You sound like a decent person and you deserve better. Get rid of this weight weighing you down. He’s horrible.

Original poster
blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 09:30

Thank you for your advice everyone.
jellyBean31I'm sorry you had to go through all that. This site has helped me too.
My OH can say the most awful things in a row and then at a later stage say he didn't mean what he said/ it was in a row / he was frustrated. This is something I find really difficult. For example, he will tell me to f... off then later say sorry / claim he was just "saying it " but not too me!
He minimises everything and counselling has made me recognise this.
Surely things you say im a row is what you really mean? What do others think of this? He hurts me so much by what he says then changes it later and I feel confused. For example, the other day he said he wasnt sorry but rather sorry I'd found out about "affair". Other times he has said sorry and shown remorse. He seems full of contradictions and I can't handle it but he doesn't seem to get it.

OP posts:
memyselfandi1 · 17/07/2018 09:49

Hi OP I am so sorry that you are going through this.

He is definitely being narcissistic and emotionally abusing you, I went through something similar and I read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that' and that's when everything became clear to me and it really helped, I also started counselling as when you endure this kind of behaviour if really knocks your self esteem.

Being told that these things were in the past well hmm of course he would want them in the past and forgotten he was the one that has done wrong not you, they know what they are doing but will not admit it but the more they get away with it the more they do it

I left a situation like this in the end and it was the best thing I have ever done it made me stronger and it gave him the wake up call required he did a total 360 and realised what he lost and his out-look is totally different but whether we got back together or not my goal never changed and that was for me to be happy.

Good Luck OP sending lots of love and I really hope you manage to sort things nobody should be subjected to this behaviour xx

Original poster
blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 10:14

He has a way of making me feel guilty especially when he says such things as "it's not healthy to store all that in your mind / bring up the past". He also says I'm not the type to forgive. He is clever in arguments and I get weary.

OP posts:
memyselfandi1 · 17/07/2018 10:24

Bluesea - thats totally understandable but he s preying on you, if he hadn't done what he has then it wouldn't be in your mind would it?

Forgiveness is easier in my opinion than forgetting, you do have to choose to try and put it behind you because if you want it to work you can't keep throwing it at him, BUT on the other hand and more importantly it took time for him to hurt you and therefore you won't get over this in a day and it's unreasonable for him to expect that of you!

He's being selfish as he has been all along and now if he is serious about you he needs to support you, but remember it's not all about HIS choice to stay it's about what you want too, not everyone can get over things like this xx

yetmorecrap · 17/07/2018 10:25

I have a single mum friend who although she currently has a partner said to me she doesn’t think long term she’s bothered about relationships, too much of the eastenders kind of drama that’s on this post (not the OPs fault at all) far too much Aggro and not enough fun. I used to not agree but after being on this forum almost 2 years, it does feel like that in so many cases. As she told me , she now concentrates on her friendships

magoria · 17/07/2018 11:14

He won't change. You can't change him.

All you can do is change you.

You deserve better. Get rid and enjoy life it is too short.

Original poster
blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 11:31

The few people around me who know also dont think he will change. Individual counselling is the last hope but he doesn't really seem committed to the idea.
Please can you give me your opinions on the saying of horrible things in rows then backtracking later? I find it so difficult and the things he says unbelievable.
I have not spoken to the OW or her husband to avoid making it worse if you get me. But my OH makes me out to be awful and unforgiving. When I said I'd confided in others he says I'm badmouthing him to others. I think it's all too late now. I actually think I've forgiven him a lot over the years and now I've reached saturation point. Especially with what happened recently. It is hard to forget.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 17/07/2018 11:36

Why stick around and try to
Persuade him that his behaviour is bad? It suits him, why would he change.

And he’s right you don’t know what happens in other houses. In mine my oh is always respectful. It’s a bottom line and a given.

Up your game op, you are worth more than this .

Tiddleypops · 17/07/2018 11:55

OP I could have written your post.
It has taken me a while, but I now realise I do not need my H's approval or validation to end our relationship - and nor do you to end yours, he will never agree with you, but you are perfectly justified and right in leaving him.

All that said, I am still having trouble - because of the diminishing things he says, the responses he comes up with when I tell him it's over and he can't change that - "Don't rake up the past", "I have changed", "You are betraying your marriage vows", "I didn't know I was doing all those things because I am depressed and not in my right mind but I can see that now", "I am not going to accept this" etc etc etc. I am having trouble with this and in my H's case "I will just stop drinking then" (he's an alcoholic).
Although I know I don't have to justify myself, it's really difficult to know what to say when he just shuts down the conversation. In my case, I really need him to leave - I own our house and can buy him out. He can't. Otherwise I would just go I think.

Original poster
blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 12:56

Thank you everyone.
Tiddleypops I understand how you feel and I can relate to what you say... The closing down in conversation/ deflecting and minimising.
When I hear that others partners don't do these things and don't swear and frighten it makes me so sad. I don't like conflict and he is such hard work. He is easily offended and quick tempered. His job has been so stressful. Your words give me some strength.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 17/07/2018 13:35

But it’s not in the past, is it? It’s happening right now in the present! He can’t take back what he said. He is emotionally abusing you. Please don’t tolerate it.

Original poster
blueseagreensea · 17/07/2018 13:56

This is what I think snd say to him. When I remind him of recent stuff he says "what? 2 weeks ago?! There's no point if you won't forgive". Until he acknowledges his behaviour there's no point.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2018 14:07

Oh blue this is no way to live. This all sounds awful.

Does he have any redeeming features? I'm not sure why you still hanging in there trying to fix him, he sounds pretty vile.

I know others have said it too but you really do deserve better than this. Move on with your life. You do not have to put up with this crap!

Until he acknowledges his behaviour there's no point

He is not going to do this. He is not going to change, no matter how much you want him to. Sorry Flowers

spunkymom22 · 17/07/2018 14:10

My ex said and did some of these exact same things. I finally realized I was the one who had to make a change, and I left. I love having my own home and the peace it gives me. I will be sending thoughts of strength your way, and Flowers . They just do not "get it" do they?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2018 14:15

because I disclosed some of his behaviours they will no longer do joint sessions
Thank goodness - finally a therapist who knows to stop joint sessions when there is abuse involved.
Look OP. You've recognised it now.
You know what it is.
You know it won't improve.
Time to put YOU first for a while.
Get out. Get away.
Find yourself again.
You've lost yourself in all of this and you know it.
He's a master manipulator, that's why you feel guilty when you've absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
Don't let him sweet talk you with promises he will definitely break in the very near future.
Just make your plan and get away.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!!

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